


My Shipwrecked Heart

by outphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Banter, Chick-Flick Moments, Corny, Cruise Ships, Depression, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Meetings, Flirting, Food, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Romance, Romance Novel Elements, Romantic Fluff, Slow Burn, Summer, happiest ending of them all tbh, hopeless romantic dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2020-06-02 23:29:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 42
Words: 120,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19451713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outphan/pseuds/outphan
Summary: After his heart gets broken, Dan Howell decides to chase one of his dreams: he enters a competition to go on a Mediterranean cruise! It comes true and along the way, something even better happens.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is mainly a happy story, but as with every novel, there are some not so happy things. Appropriate warnings will be given.  
> 
> 
> Whew! This is going to be a big one!  
> 
> 
> First of all, I'd like to say thank you to my wonderful betas for the handholding and support. So thank you [Amethyst](http://amethysthollis.tumblr.com) and [Sarah](http://chocobuneary.tumblr.com). Special shout out to [Sar](https://gingersnaptaff.tumblr.com/) who lets me rant. Go give them some love!  
> 
> 
> I'd also like to thank the word war chat people who are so lovely and helpful. 
> 
> Tags and notes will be amended as we go along. The fic is completely written! 
> 
> Based on Here Come the Girls by Milly Johnson. 
> 
> This is for [ Phandom Summer Fics](http://phandomsummerfics.tumblr.com).

“He dumped me,” Dan says, tears rolling down his cheeks. It’s not the attractive kind of crying, it’s the snotty, hard to breathe, life is falling apart kind of crying.

“Oh, honey…” Louise pats his cheeks, tears and all.

Dan called her the minute Patrick left his flat. He called Louise and told her the news, although Dan’s pretty sure all Louise could understand was ‘meet me right now in the cafe’.

Thankfully, he doesn’t have to go far; living right above a coffee shop has some benefits. But he wanted to, he _needed_ to leave his flat because it didn’t feel like home; after all, that’s where his ass got dumped. It didn’t feel safe and he felt like he would leave his sanity in there. Besides, his roommates will be home soon, so he needed to get away. And at the same time, the last thing he wants to do is walk or get a bus to a cafe. Somehow he doesn’t want people to see his snotty look.

“He dumped me and it hurts, Lou. It fucking hurts,” he says, barely managing to get a whole sentence out without sobbing and running out of breath.

“Drink.” Louise kindly bought two cups of hot chocolate for them; she pushes one of them in front of Dan, but he’s not bothered to even pick it up. “Daniel, drink it, or I’ll make you drink it.”

“Jesus, is this how you treat your kids?” Dan wipes his nose with the sleeve of his hoodie, then picks up the thick chocolatey goodness. “Don’t need to baby me.”

“Yeah, I do.” Louise sighs as she picks her own mug up and blows the steam. “I was two minutes late and you texted me saying ‘I guess you’re leaving me, too.’”

“That’s how it feels!”

Louise puts her hand on Dan’s. He’s always liked when she touched him; her hand is warm, soft and small, not big and rough like Dan’s giantlike hands. It’s a comforting gesture Dan’s always appreciated, now more than ever. It provides solace and a glimmer of hope in the darkest of storms.

“So tell me, what happened? You didn’t really make any sense over the phone,” she says after a minute.

Dan’s sobs are quieter now, not completely gone, but at least he can breathe. He thinks back to the events. He's refusing to call it a breakup, those never happen in romantic novels and damn it, his life is supposed to be one. “He can’t remember what Patrick said exactly or how he ended it, but he does remember begging for him to stay. At any given second, Dan is inches away from picking up his phone and calling Patrick.

“He came over. He said he came to surprise me at work a couple of days ago, but saw me talking to another guy. Like, he said that he saw me touching that guys hand.” A deep and short sob breaks escapes from Dan's throat. “He told me it’s not fair on him, he should be the only one I’m touching. I told him he is, and how much I love him and I told him I’d change.” A fat teardrop rolls down on Dan’s cheek; he watches as it lands on the worn table.

He drinks from the hot chocolate. It’s good, as always, the consistency of it is still heavenly, but it doesn’t taste _right._ Why is he drinking a happy drink when his whole life just ended? His heart is in the bin behind the building, in a million and one pieces in the cold and mouldy bin. 

Louise is quiet. Dan knows that she has something to say, she always does, but now she’s oddly quiet like she wants to spare him from her harsh words.

“How long were you two together?”

“Seven months.” Dan doesn’t want to say that it was seven months, two weeks and three days. It’s embarrassing. Louise just nods to this, but still doesn’t want to say whatever is on her heart. “Lou, I can take it, you can say it.”

Louise takes his hand again. “Dan, you’re a romantic. You’ve always been a romantic since we were kids.” He knows it’s true. They’ve known each other for 20 odd years, having met in Year 1. She knows him as much as Dan knows himself, maybe even more. “You always think whoever your current partner is, that’s your soulmate. You always burn yourself, honey. How many big loves have you had since we moved to London?”

“Well, we’ve lived here for 6 years, so…” Dan tries to do a quick count in his head, but can’t do it without actually naming them. “Patrick, Scott, uh… Oisín, Theo and… George. Although you don’t count him.”

“So that’s five, right? You were ready to give up your whole life for each and every one of them, just because that’s who you are. You always fall in love way too quickly and way too hard, and honestly, I’m not saying this to hurt you because you know I love you, but when you do, you don’t listen to anyone, not even your reasonable brain.”

Dan considers her words for a second but then shakes his head. Louise is wrong. She has to be. Sure, he’s a hopeless romantic, but all his London Loves have been justifiable. Sure, he’s pretty much never single for long and sure, maybe, just maybe he falls in love too quickly, but he does listen to Louise. 

“No, that’s not true.”

“It is because you’re not hearing yourself. Patrick broke up with you because he saw you talking to one of your co-workers, probably about job stuff. He’s pretty much saying ‘you can only talk to me and no one else’. Has he ever said anything about your family?” Dan shakes his head because he doesn’t want to say the truth. Although he’s never been that close to his family, he does love them and occasionally goes back to visit them. Patrick mentioned once or twice that he could do with fewer visits. “Oh, honey.” She squeezes his hand. “He’s not good for you.”

“No, he is. He loves me. He loves me.”

He hangs his head as the ugly truth settles in his heart. Dan’s always loved him more than Patrick did. He wants to deny this, not only because he loves Patrick so very much, but also because of the memories the two of them have together. Dan remembers the crazy and fun sex, the lovely romantic dates. Patrick’s not bad and he’s not bad for him so Louise must be wrong. She just doesn’t see Patrick in the same light Dan does. She never has.

“It’s gonna be better this way, trust me. It might take some time, but you’ll be fine.”

Dan nods because, deep down, he knows this. He knows he’ll be fine because he always is, but his everything misses Patrick. His heart is shattered and he feels like no amount of superglue can fix it.

So he puts on his brave face. The ‘everything will be a-okay’ face. When he’s back in the safety of his room, he can cry his heart out in the company of some Ben and Jerry’s. For now, he’ll show Louise that yes, this sucks, but yes, he’ll be fine.

He drinks more hot chocolate, the taste returning a bit. “Thanks, Lou.”

She smiles at him. They don’t talk for a few minutes, the quiet murmur of chatter filling the silence. Both deep in thought, Dan studies the rich brown colour of the drink as his mind wanders. He thinks back to his relationship with Patrick. There were times when things weren’t good, even Dan can admit that, but they always moved past that. At some point, his mind must’ve realised that Patrick wasn’t good for him, but his heart has always been louder, stronger.

So what if Patrick told him to see his family less? Dan’s relationship with his father has never been great, his mum is always busy and his brother is Dan’s complete opposite. So what if Patrick saw him talk to another guy? Dan was probably too forward with him anyway. His stupid romantic self can never really separate flirting and friendliness. So what if Patrick hated his cooking? It was Dan’s fault because he is not a good cook.

So no matter the outcome, it’s Dan’s fault. He can accept that because he knows it’s true.

“Tell you what,” Louise says suddenly. “That cruise, you always talk about, the Mediterranean cruise.”

“Yeah, what about that?”

“Didn’t you get a nice little bonus for Christmas? Why don’t you go?”

“On my own?” Dan’s eyes go wide. He only leaves his flat for work, for outings with his now ex and to see Louise, but otherwise, he’d rather just stay inside playing video games. But here she is suggesting he goes on a cruise with strangers. “Yeah, that’s a no from me.”

“Oh, come on, it’d be fun, you know it would. You might even fall in love with the captain.” Louise winks at him.

Dan shakes his head with a defeated sigh. “I think I’m done with love for a while.” Dan doesn’t add that he’s only done with love that has nothing to do with Patrick. However, Louise’s idea lights up the lightbulb above his head. “But, you could come too! We could drink cocktails, go swimming. We could get sunburnt in Greece!”

Louise scoffs. “I have a three-week-old. The last thing I want is to be sick again or have Pearl be sick. I’m not going on a vacation without her.”

Dan pouts, but that makes sense. He feels awful for suggesting. But his heart has been longing for it for years, wanting to feel the soft sands of Portugal, Italy and Greece between his toes. Sure, he could fly there, it would be cheaper and quicker, but he’s always wanted to go. Guess, he has to wait a couple more years, then.

They soon say their goodbyes; Louise has to go home to take care of her kids and Dan has some moping to do. By the time they part, Louise, as always, makes him realise it’s better this way. Reasonably, Dan knows this, but he loves Patrick. He loves him still, too much and too fiercely. It wasn’t only his heart that broke, but every little bit and fibre of his being. So yes, he’s entitled to some moping.

His heart breaks a bit when he opens his front door. Patrick’s cologne still lingers; his scarf is still on the hook by the door. Dan can deal with that tomorrow, now he needs ice cream, tissues and Love, Actually. There’s nothing better for heartbreak than watching Emma Thompson get cheated on.

He loads up the film on his laptop while he gets cosy. The ice cream is as cold against his chest as empty his heart feels. Inadvertently, he thinks about the warm, sunny days he could spend on the top deck, watching the Sun as it sets over the Adriatic sea. A little checking never hurt anyone.

He puts the ice cream tub on the bedside table and searches for possible cruises. They all sound good and charming, but he’s never realised just how expensive they are. He picks up the tub again as he reads the itineraries and descriptions of the cruises.

He’s done. Today is not a good day, he decides. He got dumped, the damn cruises are expensive, even with his saved up money, salary and bonus. He can’t just go and live a luxurious life; after all, he still has rent and bills to pay, especially in London. With his job, he can just about to afford rent in North London with three flatmates, but that’s about it. Going on a cruise is definitely above his budget.

He’s about to close the tab when he sees a small button titled ‘Competition’. It’s so well hidden most people might miss it. At first, he thinks it’s a virus and almost closes the page. But then the button reaches for his heart and tugs at it ever so he clicks the link and he’s taken to a page describing his ideal cruise: sailing from Southampton, stopping in Málaga, Corfu, Dubrovnik, Venice, Korcula, Cephalonia, Gibraltar, before returning to England. As he sees Dubrovnik, his heart beats faster. He could see King’s Landing, up close.

Sure, getting a plane from London to Dubrovnik would be cheaper, but the website doesn’t ask for his debit card details, so he signs up, thinking might as well. If his laptop gets a virus, then be it. That would put the cherry on the best day ever. And besides, knowing his luck, he would never win.

Two months later, he’s at work, on his lunch break. He’s eating a sandwich, feeling very bitter as another one of his Tinder dates turned him down. His heart isn’t completely healed, but it’s getting there. At least he doesn’t start sobbing when he thinks about Patrick. Instead, he now rationally sees how toxic their relationship was. It isn’t easy to accept that and there are times when he thinks he’s just making up the bad bits.

Still, his heart beats faster whenever his phone rings. He thinks it’s Patrick, he thinks he’s calling Dan to ask him for a do-over. The number is blocked, so he debates picking it up, but he needs to. He wants to.

“Hello?”

“Hi!” a woman says with a cheery voice. God, how can people be so upbeat? “Is this Daniel Howell?”

“Yes, hi.”

“Hi, my name is Martha, I’m calling you from Blue Seas Cruises. You signed up to a competition a couple of months ago,” she says, with the same happy voice and Dan’s heart beats faster and faster by the second, “ and I’m calling to you to congratulate you!” Dan almost drops his phone into his mug of coffee. He’s surprised, to say the least. “You will be going on a cruise with us, on Anna Theresa, in July! Congratulations, Mr Howell!”


	2. Day 1 - Southampton

“You've got your passport?!” Louise asks Dan for the thirteenth time as they’re putting his suitcase in a taxi that will take him to the train station. “If you don’t have your passport, you won’t be able to go.”

“Yes, it’s right…” He pats his back pocket, but the passport is, in fact, not there. He starts his frantic search, but it turns out, the document is in the pocket of his hoodie.”Got it.”

“God, Dan, you’re a mess.”

“I know,” he says with a smile, “but you love me.”

It’s still difficult to believe he’s actually going. When he found out, he almost fainted. Good things don’t happen to people like him, to losers who always fuck everything up. But the cruise lady assured him it was all legit, that he gets to go. Well, him and another guest, but Dan politely turned the second part down as the only person he would ever want to take is Louise and she’s busy with being a fully functioning adult. So after a bit of an administrative hassle, the company found a second winner.

As for the actual cruise… Dan grew up in council housing, so the last thing they could ever dream of was going on a cruise. Dan’s mum and dad were lucky if they could take the two kids to Brighton or Thorpe Park. These holidays were few and far between, and when his dad got a promotion they went to Spain for a couple of days, but that was it. No big holidays, no weeks of sunbathing in Florida. So while Dan has some basic knowledge of general holiday etiquette (don’t steal other people’s sunbeds, don’t pee in the pool), he has absolutely zero ideas of what to do on a cruise.

He’s tried to read up on it but didn’t get very far. Apparently, there are nights when he’s supposed to wear a suit, while on others, smart clothes are fine. He doesn’t know anyone who can afford a cruise, either. Maybe he can spend the next sixteen nights of his life inside his cabin, hiding from dinner and the other guests.

“You got everything then?” Louise asks, dragging him out of his daydream realm.

“Well, I got my laptop and charger, so I’ll be good.”

Louise rolls her eyes, but smiles. She’s pushing baby Pearl’s pram back and forth, trying to keep her asleep. “You’re gonna have fun! Make sure to socialise, okay? Don’t just sit in your room.”

“Alright, mum.”

She grins at him. “Maybe you’ll even find love,” she says, to which Dan replies with an eye roll and dramatic sigh.

Louise wraps him in a one-armed hug, gently patting his back. Dan feels a sort of sadness. He’s going to miss her while he’s gone, it would be fun to go on this adventure with her. But, at the same time, seeing her with Pearl and Darcy (who is currently in school) warms his heart; they’ve come a long way since that playground in Reading and Louise is a fantastic mum.

“It’s weird, leaving.”

“Send pictures, okay? And get me some silly trinket, please!”

“I will. I’ll message you whenever I can.”

“Alright, do that, hon.” She presses a quick kiss on his cheek. “Say bye to Uncle Dan, Pearl.”

“Bye little bunny,” Dan smiles at her but she continues to be asleep. To her, it’s just another day, but to Dan, it’s the start of an adventure. “Bye, Lou.” He sits in the cab.

“Take care, darling! Be safe!” Louise shuts the door on him, and a second later, the car leaves.

The train journey to Southampton is uneventful. He spends the entire time reading articles about cruise etiquette, but he’s pretty much read everything twice, so there’s no new information. He has suits and smart clothes packed, as well as everyday wear, and as far as he knows, he’ll be able to buy stuff on board. Still, a feeling of anxiety lingers as he keeps rereading the websites.

His heart starts beating faster when he gets a Twitter notification. TJ Crowley, his favourite author, tweeted: ‘ _ Going on a much-needed vacation. Well, my agent thinks so. See you in a couple of weeks, taking some time off. Read  _ A Kiss of Perfection! _ ’ _

Dan looks at his backpack. He’s been saving that book for the cruise, wanting to enjoy some steamy me-time. He turns his eyes back to the screen and starts typing. ‘ _ Enjoy Florida! Soak up the Sun, but stay away from crocodiles!’  _ but instead, he deletes it, and writes a generic ‘ _ Enjoy your holiday!’.  _ He doesn’t get a reply and doesn’t expect one, either. Crowley’s a famous author, why would he care about him?

But, he’s actually looking forward to the book. It came out a couple of weeks ago, and it arrived the same day. (Thanks, Amazon pre-ordering.) Dan had to do something he rarely does, he had to control himself. All he wanted was to jump into romance waiting for Sebastian, the protagonist of the novel. Okay, he  _ may  _ have read the first couple of pages, but then forced himself to put it down.

Dan looks up and sees Southampton displayed as the next stop. Outside, trees and fields give way to urbanisation and more concrete, taking up as much space as possible. He is kind of looking forward to getting out to open sea. He’s spent years of his life locked into lecture theatres, his room, then an office. Going outside, as much as he hates it, wasn’t much better, high rise buildings blocking his view. Hyde Park doesn’t count. This will be different. No land in sight, just a vast openness of the blue and kind of scary water.

The train slows then pulls into a station. Dan’s read the email by the company to know there would be a car waiting for him outside. Once they stop, he waits for the others leave the train. He’s not in a rush, for once, he allowed himself plenty of time to get to Southampton. He’s pretty much the last one to leave, taking his time to gather his rather heavy suitcase. As he tries to hurl it down to the platform, he wonders if he really needed to bring three hoodies. It’s hot in England so it will be boiling on the continent. But it’s too late now, so might as well suck it up and just deal with it.

It’s easy to find his ride; it’s bright blue with a sign painted on it that says ‘Blue Seas Cruises’. The driver is inside, enjoying the AC, probably, and busy playing on his phone. As Dan knocks, he sees it’s Candy Crush.

The driver blushes and opens his door. “Hiya, are you Dan?” he says in a thick Welsh accent.

“Yeah, that’d be me.” 

“Hop in, I’ll deal with this.” He takes Dan’s suitcase and as Dan sits in the car, he can’t help but notice even the buff guy grunts. “Alrighty, then.” He’s a happy chap, too happy for Dan’s liking, but he only has to put up with him for the next ten minutes of his life. “Where’d you come from?”

“Uh, London,” he says as he types out a quick text to Louise.

**Dan**

_ in southampton now the driver is so happy, i dont like him _

“Oh, nice. We get a lot of people from there.”

“Cool,” and that’s all he can say.

Louise’s answer arrives quickly.

**Louise**

_ You never like anyone as friends. Either as people you can date or none at all. Talk to him, please! <3 _

“Man, this cruise sounds sweet.”

“I know.” Dan smiles. “I’ve actually never been on one. Quite excited to go.”

“I bet!” He drums on the wheel as they're waiting for the light to turn green. Dan’s sitting behind him and he can’t really see the front, because the guy’s shoulders are so wide. So lovely, he thinks. His mind goes for a wander for a second as he imagines being pinned down by shoulders that wide. “I’ve been saving up some money, too. I get quite a nice discount by working for them, but still gotta pay.” He looks into the mirror and makes eye contact with Dan. “I’m thinking of proposing to my boyfriend there.”

Dan blushes and looks away. Nice shoulders, but taken. “You should. Make it special.”

“Yeah, he’d appreciate it. Anyway, you can already see the ship.”

He looks out and sees not a ship, but rather a whole city. Saying that the ship is massive would be an understatement. He thought it would be big, he even googled the exact ship, but the pictures didn’t do it justice. From there, it looks as big as the Eiffel Tower, and that is freaking tall. Walking its length would be a yearly workout for him, Dan already knows that.

“Jesus on a boat, that is enormous.”

“That’s what he said,” the driver murmurs under his breath and Dan does hear it and it makes him smile. 

A couple of minutes later, they arrive at the terminal, with people already waiting around. The ship doesn’t leave for another couple of hours, but embarkation starts soon, so Dan is right on time. 

As soon as the car stops, he jumps out, taking a whiff of the salty air. It’s a sunny day, with a few clouds here and there. There’s a gentle breeze, and it’s warm, not too hot. Everything is perfect. Life could not be more perfect.

“Ah, cheers,” he says as the guy wheels his suitcase next to him. Dan puts on his backpack, then puts a hand on the handle. “Hope you manage to pull off the proposal of the century.”

“Thanks, mate. Enjoy your cruise!”

He follows a middle-aged couple that seem confident in the process. They walk to the bag drop off (Dan’s already printed off and attached the sticker to his bag). He scans his ticket, then the barcode on the tag and his suitcase is gone. As he watches it go on the conveyor belt, he sends a mental thanks to the people who describe the whole process online.

After that, he goes through security without a hitch. He only has his backpack with him, so it’s not that difficult. 

Then he stands in the check-in queue, behind a family of five with two screaming girls and a toddler, sleeping on the shoulder of the dad. He gets his ticket and passport out of his backpack. While he waits, he sends another text to Louise.

**Dan**

_ im so anxious im gonna pass out _

He takes a step forward as an obnoxious, older couple walks out the terminal, towards the taxis. The man murmuring something along the lines of ‘told you it was the other one’.

**Louise**

_ You’ll be fine. It’s like a plane just on water, imagine that.  _

Dan pockets his phone as there’s only the family in front of him. There are three check-in agents, who probably have dealt with a lot, including clueless first-timers. He looks around while he waits; there’s a window behind the check-in desks to the open sea. He’s so close. He’s so worried someone will laugh in his face and say it was a prank.

The ‘First Class’ queue is smaller. The agent there is currently with a black haired guy with headphones around his neck. He looks just as out of place as Dan does. He looks young, way too young and way too… normal to be in the exclusive section of the cruise. 

“Next!” a small voice calls out and it’s Dan’s turn.

He was expecting some kind of Triwizard Tournament, but it was a lot less painful and complicated. The agent, Natalie, according to her badge, quickly processes his passport and ticket. He then is asked to hand over his credit card.

“Uh, I won a competition with Blue Seas Cruises, and I was told everything would be paid for other than drinks and on board shopping”

“Oh, okay, uh, could you wait a moment, please?” She stands up and walks to one of her colleagues. They have a quick chat, pointing at Dan, and soon she returns. “Apparently it’s been dealt with, but it’s not showing on the booking. I’ll take your card for those.”

Within a few minutes, after a surprise photo, he has his keycard with said photo on it and the agent walks him through the process. It’s his key for his room, his pass to and from the ship during day trips and paying for stuff. She also tells him about the lifeboat drill and where he’ll find information for that. He’s also given information about the ship, a floor plan, restaurants and anything basic he needs to know.

After that, she tells him it’s not yet time for his boarding, so he should just sit down in the departure lounge.

Dan walks through a glass door; opposite of him, on a screen the letter ‘H’ is displayed. On his ticket, he has the letter ‘L’. He doesn’t know how these things work, but even he can put two and two together.

The departure lounge is filled with people, with their loud laughs and chit chat and their kids running up and down. Dan sits in the corner on a plastic bench that reminds him of secondary school and gym class. He’s worried his old teacher, Mr Buckwheat, is about to make him run laps.

The screen changes to ‘I’, and some people walk to the second door, taking bags and loud kids with them. Dan sees first-class members walking onto the bridge connecting the ship with the terminal. They’re so elegant and classy with their designer holiday wear and big hats. It makes Dan feel awful. Here he is, sitting in his black skinny jeans he’s been wearing for the past couple of months (sometimes, if he remembers, he even washes it) and black and white striped T-shirt. Dan doesn’t belong here and he knows that. Hell, looking at those first-class passengers walking like they own the place is just rubbing salt in his wounds.

The boarding goes quickly. Within minutes of yearning for a better life, his group is called. He follows a middle-aged man talking loudly on his phone and a girl in her teens, who is, hopefully his daughter, is walking next to him. 

The bridge leading to the ship is closed, so he can’t get a feeling of just how big the ship actually is, but soon he’s standing on a soft carpet with mellow jazz music playing in the background. 

The interior itself is stunning. Just the entrance is three times the size of Dan’s whole flat. It’s the ships entire width, with massive windows on the other side. To the left and right there are three lifts each, carrying passengers up and down. The place is decorated with paintings and fresh flowers, while the smell of freshly brewed coffee lingers.

He’s welcomed by a line of porters, all dressed in pale blue, the colour of the cruise company. Quickly, one of them steps in front of him, a guy with slicked back, brown hair and sweet and gorgeous tan.

“Welcome aboard, mister,” he says with some kind of accent. Dan’s best guess is that it’s Southern European, but he can’t really tell what exactly. “My name is Paolo, I’ll be taking you up to your cabin.” Dan has a hard time controlling his thoughts so one, thankfully silent, slips out:  _ Yes, please, I’d like that.  _ “May I see your card?”

Dan shows him, and a second later Paolo nods and motions Dan to follow him to the lifts. He can’t help but notice the swell of his butt and just how wonderful it looks. However, he soon realises it’s highly inappropriate, as Louise’s voice is ringing in his ears.

“So, uh…” He starts rather awkwardly once they’re inside the lift. He’s mostly fine once the conversation is going, but starting one has never been his forte. “Have you been working here for a long time?”

“This is my third summer, sir. I’m studying at university in London, but I also love cruising so here I am.” Dan almost laughs and he feels awful for it. Non-native speakers might not know the  _ other  _ meaning of that word.

“Oh, that is nice. This is my first time, so I’m rather nervous.”

“Well, you’re on Deck B, so Vaughn will take good care of you if I say so myself.”

Dan wonders if the whole cruise is going to be one big innuendo.

They soon arrive on his floor. Dark wood walls with occasional bright and colourful paintings line the corridors with an endless number of doors leading into suites and cabins. There are suitcases waiting in front of rooms and Dan immediately recognises his, despite the fact it is plain black. It survived many trips to and from university so a small ride on a baggage belt won’t ruin it.

Before Paolo departs with a smile, he informs Dan that the lifeboat drill will be at 4, but Vaughn will be around to collect the passengers under his care.

Dan slides his card into the lock and it opens with a small beep. Once he pushes the door open, he sees just how luxurious this is and suddenly he understands how only rich people can afford it.

The room itself is comfortably big. It’s not overly massive as there have to be hundreds of rooms on a ship like this, but still big enough to fit a double bed, a seating area and a bathroom.

As he steps in, to his left, is a wardrobe with a safe hidden inside it. On the top shelf of the wardrobe are towels, thicker and softer than any other towels Dan’s ever had. He also has two bathrobes, cream coloured and with the company’s logo. To the right, there’s a side table with colourful leaflets and a blue folder.

After the wardrobe is a door, leading into the ensuite with a massive bathtub that would (and will) easily fit Dan’s 6’3 frame and a separate shower. Around the sink are complimentary toiletries. He opens the shampoo bottle, has a sniff of it. Sandalwood fragrance, lusher than anything he’s ever sniffed.

He puts his suitcase in front of the wardrobe as he heads towards the bed. There’s plenty of room to walk around it, to the coffee table and a chair and a sofa on the other side. They’re just next to the glass doors leading out to his private balcony.

He walks out and sits down on the cast iron chair. On a whim, he takes a couple of photos and sends them to Louise. Within a minute of her opening the message, she calls him.

“Why did I say no?” she cries over the phone, only to be overshadowed by Pearl’s crying and Darcy’s chatter. “Dan, why?”

“It’s who you are, Lou, a true mum, it’s with kids or not at all.”

“It looks so nice.”

“Oh, it is. The towels, they’re so soft. I don’t think I’ll ever leave this place.”

“Does it have internet? If it doesn’t, I’m sure you will.”

Dan laughs. “Uh, barely. I mean it does but it’s ridiculously expensive. I just downloaded a couple of films and TV shows so I’ll be watching those while at sea. I’ll be using my data when there’s an excursion.” Pearl starts crying like a banshee in the background. “Go, be a mum, I’ll send pictures later!”

“Good. Bye, honey, enjoy!”

“Bye, Louise.”

He ends the call and puts his phone on the table. Life, he decides, is pretty good right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ship is based off of [Ventura](https://www.pocruises.com/cruise-ships/ventura/7). My knowledge of cruises, the excursions and cities are from the book and Google, so if something is not quite right, I do apologise.


	3. Day 1 - At sea (after leaving Southampton)

Dan goes back inside to get the essentials from his bag. He’s just about to unzip his laptop bag when there’s a soft knock on the door. He’s greeted by a guy in his late thirties, dusty blond hair, dressed in all white with a blue vest. 

“Welcome on board, sir. My name is Vaughn, I’ll be your cabin steward during this trip.”

“Oh, uh, great!” Dan awkwardly smiles at him. “I’m Dan, by the way.”

“Very nice to meet you, sir. I understand you won the competition. Congratulations, I’m sure you’ll have a lovely voyage.”

“Thanks, it was a big surprise.”

It makes Dan cringe, this whole uncomfortable interaction. Thankfully, Vaughn turns to Dan’s side table and picks up the folder.

“Here you can find all the details about the onboard entertainment, dinner schedule and day trips. Whatever question you have is most likely in this, but I or another member of staff are at your complete disposal.” It sounds a bit pretentious, Dan has to admit. He has to constantly remind himself that he’s doing something that mostly loaded people can afford, so it kind of _has to be_ pretentious. And besides, there is probably a cruise protocol for this. “There’s a lifeboat drill you have to attend at 4 o’clock, but I will be here to guide you there.” He sets down the folder on the table again. Then, he pulls out a bright orange packet from the top drawer. “This is your life jacket, in the case of an emergency you’ll find it here.“ He puts it back then shows him where the safe is and how he can set a combination. “Is there anything I can do for you, sir?” he asks, once he showed all the amenities around the room.

“No, I should be fine for now, thank you.”

“Great! I will be around to take you to your lifeboat drill until then, feel free to relax or explore the ship.”

Vaughn leaves to introduce himself to other guests under his care and Dan takes his advice. He stays in and has a nap.

A knock wakes him. Thankfully, he fell asleep in his clothes, so he’s ready to go. Sure, he’s got pillow marks on his face and he can’t stop yawning, but he’s ready to go. He follows Vaughn and the other guests to the drill’s location, which, thankfully, is on his floor. As it turns out, Dan really should’ve looked at the deck plan, because there’s a breakfast bar on his floor, not one of the main restaurants, just a small place. Going out there to get his morning coffee will be glorious.

The drill is fairly straightforward. They’re shown how to put the life jacket on and what to do in the case of a highly unlikely emergency. They’re not there for long, however at the end of it, they are told that the ship is leaving soon and that there is a farewell party on the Sun Deck if anyone wishes to join.

Dan just ends up in the middle of the crowd again, going towards the lifts. It’s only three floors above them, and he could walk up, but he’s lazy and totally unfit for exercise.

Sun Deck, as it’s called, is decorated with fairy lights, bunting and balloons. There are kids running around with small kites and flags, their parents drinking champagne. Some people are sunbathing in lounge chairs, others are leaning against the fence. The air is tingling with excitement and anticipation; Dan gets infected as well, waiting and wanting to see the wonders of the trip.

He walks towards the edge of the ship, not the one facing the terminal. On his way, a waiter asks him if he wants a complimentary glass of bubbly pearl white champagne. Dan doesn’t really like champagne, but for three weeks he’s living his most luxurious life possible, so he takes a glass.

He looks over the fence; several floors below him is the water, dark blue mixed with muddy brown. Then, as he’s observing it, he hears a slight mechanical sound and the water starts churning. People are waving to others standing around the terminal, saying goodbye to them. The ship ever so slowly starts moving, then the horn makes an awfully loud sound as it departs from the port. As the chatter, cheers and noise of the ship get louder and louder, Dan suddenly wishes he had someone to share this journey with.

As the ship makes its way out of the port, he fights the urge to go back and hide in his room. He wants to savour this as much as possible and that means staying out on the Sun Deck and being around people. Dan can do the one-on-one thing, he’s fine going on dates, but he absolutely hates being amongst strangers. It makes him itchy and he feels extremely self-aware, feeling every pair of eyes on him. But he’s decided, this holiday would be different. He spends way too much time locked into an office staring at a screen, then going home to stare at a different screen. So he’s leaving his phone, his safety bubble, in his room if he’s going out to dinner or going for a walk around the ship.

It works fine. After the ship ventures out towards the open sea, leaving England behind, Dan sits at the bar located on the Sun Deck. It’s cosy, yet so hip and inviting. Citrine Bar is open-plan, the bar facing the entertaining area on the deck. It only has a roof and four columns holding it. As Dan takes a barstool next to a young couple so clearly in love, he has the perfect view of the dark blue waters.

“Good afternoon, sir,” a girl, a bit younger than his ripe 28 years of age with luscious dark brown curls, says. “What can I get you?”

“Uh… How about none of that sir thing?” He jokes, laughing awkwardly.

The couple next to him stop kissing and laugh as well. “Yeah, I agree,” the guy says.

“It’s protocol,” the bartender girl says. Dan only then sees her name tag. ‘Mina’, the plastic on her chest says in black letters. She leans in, whispering to the three of them. “Actually, we’re encouraged to call children that as well. Kids like it, but teenagers are weirded out.”

“Yeah, well, teens are weirded out by everything,” Dan says.

“Yes, that’s definitely true.” Mina smiles. “Anyway, what can I get you?”

“It’s on me!” the couple guy says. “You gave us a good laugh, so I feel like I owe you.”

“Oh, you don’t have to.”

“He won’t take no for an answer,” his companion says, then she wraps her thin fingers around the glass and takes a sip out of her pink and orange drink.

“Uh…” Well, it’s already uncomfortable. He’d like to turn it down, because he knows drinks are stupidly expensive, but then again _free drink._ “A strawberry daiquiri please.” Mina starts preparing the drink as Dan turns towards the couple. “Thanks, I appreciate it.”

The girl whispers something in the guy’s ear and he smiles. “Well, if you don’t mind,” he hands his card to Mina who has to put the shaker down to lift the card reader, “we’ll be off now. Enjoy your drink…”

“Dan,” he smiles.

He raises his beer glass and after taking the card from Mina, he wraps an arm around the waist of the girl and walks away. Dan can’t help but notice Mina rolling her eyes.

“Lime?”

“Sure.” Within seconds, she pours the red drink into a glass, garnishing it with a strawberry and lime. “Thanks,” he says as she hands him the drink. He takes a sip, it’s refreshing and summery. “They looked happy.”

“Nah.” Mina starts wiping the counter. “That’s his affair. His wife is probably at home with two kids while he’s off on ‘corporate training’,” she says bitterly.

“How’d you know?”

“I see a lot of people, and with drinks, the truth comes out.” She bins some used napkins and straws. “They look too happy, too… in love.”

“You don’t believe in love?”

“You do?”

They stare at each other, for a few seconds, then start laughing. “Sorry, not my place to ask.”

“Actually, I’m enjoying the break. It’s usually ‘hey, you, give me another drink.’” She sighs and puts the cloth in the sink. “But to answer your question, no, I don’t. My parents got divorced when I was five, and it’s been a journey ever since. Trust issues and all that.”

“I’m sorry.”

A quite good-looking guy, dressed in a white shirt and same pale blue vest walks up to Mina, whispering in her ear. She then looks at Dan, apologetically. 

“I gotta go now, but if you’re around, I’m tending here every day between 1 and 5. Find me if you want to chat.” She leaves with a smile.

Dan tries his best to make small talk with the guy (Lucas, according to his name badge), but he finds him dismissing and not as easy to talk to as Mina. So with his drink, he walks away. He’d feel awkward sitting in one of the sun loungers wearing his current clothes. Others have already switched to shorts and tank tops, meanwhile, Dan is wearing the same outfit. So instead, he downs his daiquiri, the rum burning his throat. Thankfully, a waiter walks past him, taking the empty glass (because walking back to the bar would be awkward). He then heads back to his room, suddenly starving.

Dan checks himself in the mirror for the fifth time in the last two minutes. Something is off with his outfit, although he’s not sure what. Not that it matters, it’s only dinner on the first night, there’s no particular dress code on this night. Still, he wants to dress to impress, even if it’s just trousers and a nice shirt.

He has a couple of options for dinner. When he won, he had the option to choose club dining, which is eating with the same people at the same time every day. But he actually went with freedom dining, allowing himself… freedom. Both offer pretty much the same experience, so he figured he’d rather not to the club dining. He could’ve ended up with some people worlds away from him and that would’ve made the whole experience different. He likes food and sure as hell won’t let people ruin it for him.

Louise would pity him if she saw him, that’s sure. He’s picking out his clothes, trying to look as good as possible and he’s about to dine alone with no people to talk to. 

Eventually, he settles on black khakis and a black button-down shirt. To his knowledge, waiters are not wearing black, otherwise, things would get awkward pretty fast. He feels like the lovechild of Dark Kermit and the guy from _that_ meme, but he’s too hungry to care. Taking his card out the slot, the lights turn off and he heads out.

However, just as he closes the door behind him, a member of staff approaches him.

“Mr Howell?” Dan looks at the lady, in her 40s, grey streaks already in her dark blonde hair. “Hi, I’m Irene Parker, Customer Experience Manager from Blue Seas Cruises.”

“Oh, hi.” He shakes her hand.

“Mind if we talk inside?”

“Sure.” Dan opens the door again, letting her go through first. His room is not messy, but he has clothes on his bed. “Please, have a seat,” he says, pointing at the sofa.

“Thank you.” They both sit down, on opposite ends of the two-seater. “So, first of all, I’d like to congratulate you again. We don’t do competitions very often, but when we do, it’s usually more… ceremonial. We’ve had a change of management in the past couple of months and we’ve decided to go towards a more modern approach.”

“Oh?”

She looks puzzled. “You haven’t been informed, have you?”

“About?”

“We’re asking you and the other winner to take pictures of your holiday, videos even. We’re putting together a social media campaign, call it advertisement, if you want.”

“I see…” Dan says slowly. “You’d want us to document the cruise and you’d use it to promote cruising?”

“You should’ve been told, possibly when we called you to say you’d won. Like I said, change of management, it’s a bit chaotic still and I apologise for that.”

“So what exactly would it involve? I’m not good at things like that, like video editing and stuff.”

“Oh, we’d take care of that bit!” She puts her hand on Dan’s, making him squirmish. “You’d just need to take pictures of your food and whatever you do on board, but also pictures and videos of the shore excursions. That’s it. If it makes it easier, think you’re making Instagram posts.”

Dan thinks about it. He really has nothing against it, but he wanted to disconnect and this is kind of doing the opposite. Still, a free cruise in exchange for that. “Alright. Can I use my phone, though?”

She smiles. “Yes, of course. Someone will find you daily and upload it to one of our computers so you don’t clog your phone.”

“Great,” Dan says loudly because he’s so hungry his stomach is making noises.

“I’ll leave you to it, then.” She stands up. “Congratulations again, Mr Howell.”

“Thank you.”

He walks her out and closes the door behind her. He gathers his phone from the bedside table. Seeing the ‘airplane mode’ being on is disheartening. In his real life (Dan still truly believes he’s dreaming), he’s always connected, with either 4G or Wi-Fi. It’ll do him some good, he knows that, but he’s a millennial, being online is quintessential to him. With that thought, he pockets his phone, ready for some food.

There are three big restaurants on the ship, along with other, more casual places. According to the guide, Diamond is the main restaurant, offering the club dining experience. The other two are Ruby and Emerald; he just needs to turn up at any point between 6 and 9:30. There are also plenty of other smaller places to eat, including a grill bar on the Lido Deck and a sushi place on the Prom Deck. But tonight, he chooses Ruby, located on Deck F.

He gets into a lift with two elderly ladies. They’re giggling about something and quietly chatting in the back of the lift. Dan presses the button to the correct level, and the doors close with a soft thud. 

The ride is quick, and soon Dan finds himself on Deck F. He leaves the lift, followed by the two women who walk past him, towards the restaurant. It’s not hard to miss: it’s right in front of him, but also lively chatter, quiet music and deliciously smelling food guide him towards it.

It’s dimly lit, mainly table lamps providing light. On one wall, there’s a bar, with several people sitting on barstools, drinking wine, beer or colourful cocktails. But most of the room in the restaurant, fairly big in general, taken up by tables and chairs in varying sizes. Most are occupied, but the waiters are quickly seating everyone.

“Hi,” a waitress says. “Table for one?”

“Uh…” It can’t get more awkward, can it? “Yes, please.”

“May I have your card, sir?” Dan hands her the thing and quickly swipes it before returning it. “Right this way.”

She leads him to the middle of the restaurant, dodging people and tables, possible with years of experience. As they walk, Dan recognises faces from check-in or the farewell party. 

“Dan?” a voice says, too familiar, too well-known and too… hurtful. Dan snaps his head around, only to see Patrick, sitting alone at a table. His heart sinks, but he also feels hopeful. “What are you doing here?”

He’s vaguely aware of the waitress standing somewhere in the vicinity of them, but he’s too embarrassed to care. “Oh, hi, Patrick.” He feels that warm tingle in his chest, the tingle that only happened when he looked at him. Patrick is a gorgeous man, it’d be stupid to deny it. His curly hair is always sun-kissed blonde, be it winter or summer. Strong jawline, slight stubble and curious and wonderful brown eyes. He stares at him, like he used to, when everything was good. His heart is beating to the rhythm of Patrick’s name, wanting to touch him again. “You look… good.”

Dan’s suddenly transported back. Not to the bad times, when Patrick was telling him those awful things when they were arguing, but to the good times. How silly they were when they made dinner, or when they were playing a game. Dan doesn’t even remember how angry Patrick got when Dan didn’t let him win.

“Why are you on this cruise?”

“I won a competition, so uh… I’m here.”

“I see.”

“What about you? It’s surprising to see you here of all places.” What Dan really wants to say is ‘I’ve missed you.’, but he doesn’t.

“Well, I’m here with my _boyfriend_ , actually. A holiday for _us_.”

Dan feels that tingle to fall to its pieces. He feels like he’s about to suffocate. Deep down, he knew Patrick would be in a new relationship by now, but to actually hear about it. Talk about an awkward encounter. 

“Oh, I’m happy for you.” He isn’t. “You deserve the best.” Patrick does, actually, but Dan was still heartbroken. He was the last actual relationship he had and he did love him. Sure, he hears Louise’s words in her ears, telling him that Patrick wasn’t good to him. But he did love him. “So, uh, where is he?”

“In our room, he’s feeling a bit ill.”

“I see.”

“Uh, sir?” the waitress says, clearly feeling awkward because of the situation. “Your table?”

There’s no way Dan’s staying near Patrick, at least not right now. He needs to process this, but on his own and in the safety of his cabin. “I think I’ll go up to my room,” he says to her, hoping she hears the apologetic tone. “I’ll order room service. But thank you.” She nods and walks away; Dan sees she’s clearly pissed off. “It was uh… Good to see you, Patrick.”

“Likewise.” He looks away, drinking his wine, not even paying attention to Dan anymore.

Awkwardly, Dan makes his way out of the restaurant. He walks back to the lifts; thankfully there’s one available right away. The door opens and as Dan steps inside, he sees a room card on the floor. He raises it to eye level; the card reads ‘Philip Lester’ along with a picture. He’s quite good-looking, black quiffed hair and blue eyes. On any other day, Dan would’ve hunted him down, but today, he just presses the button to the reception instead of his room.

Ten minutes later, he’s back in the safety of his room. He gave the card to the reception, then came back up, seriously starving. The last thing he ate was a bag of stale crisps on the train to Southampton and that was hours ago.

He’s on his bed, reading the menu. It’s not included in his win, but he’s pretty sure he can afford it. He could order something fancy but eventually settles for pepperoni pizza, Coke and brownies. His usual order from Domino’s.

He waits on his balcony. He doesn’t cry, but he’s close to it. At this point of time, he thinks he’s done with the crying, there are no tears left to spare. The Sun is sitting low on the horizon, waiting for its sleep. It’s the most beautiful time of day. Chatter and music are everywhere and the ship itself is making noises. He thinks about all the fish, whales and other sea creatures surrounding the ship, and suddenly, he doesn’t feel so lonely.

Seeing Patrick, especially in a place like this with no escape routes, wasn’t easy. He obviously moved on which is good for him. Sure, Dan has been on dates as well, but he’s still a bit heartbroken. It’ll be hard to avoid him and his boyfriend, but the ship is big, with thousands of people. He just has to survive 16 or so days, before he can go back to his boring old routine of going on futile dates.

Maybe it still hasn’t settled in his heart. Maybe the tears will come tomorrow. Maybe it hurts, but in reality, Dan’s moved on as well. But for now, he’s feeling nothing about his awkward encounter with Patrick. He’s feeling empty.

Thankfully, his dinner arrives soon. He eats in bed while watching a film playing on one of the channels. After the film, which turned out to be a very boring romcom and Dan felt like he wasted his time, he changes and brushes his teeth, he gets into bed and starts reading TJ Crowley’s new book, but the ship’s gentle swaying lulls him into sleep after reading two pages.


	4. Day 2 - At sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for emotional abuse, emotional manipulation and general toxicity

Dan wakes to the sun shining brightly. He doesn’t know if it’s late and his body is kicking him out of bed or if he just woke up because highrises don’t block the sun. He stretches in bed, feeling better he’s felt in months. But then he remembers meeting Patrick, and the dread of running into him again sweeps over him.

It sucks. It sucks big time and there’s nothing Dan can do against it. Kicking him off the ship, 300-style, would be highly illegal. Hiding in the room until the end of the cruise would be a waste. Facing him would be even worse, but it’s still the best scenario. After all, he won this bloody cruise so he’ll enjoy it, even if it means he has to see Patrick.

Dan has never been good at dealing with breakups. He’s always been the one who was left heartbroken and crying amidst the remains of a relationship he thought was good. He was left on the ground, literally speaking, more times than he’d want to admit. His coping mechanism is always the same, probably faulty because it doesn’t really work, but it helps. A tiny bit, but it helps. He usually just ends up staying inside for a couple of days, call in sick at work, watch sad, but romantic films and eat chocolate, a technique he learnt from Legally Blonde. Then, eventually, he would go back to work, but continue to mope, have his crying session during his lunch break. But after a few weeks, after he gets messages from a cutie or two, all is good and he’s back to his romantic self. (Even though this time it feels different, but he keeps telling himself he’s only imagining it.)

So no, he’ll be damned if he lets Patrick ruin it for him. So what if he sees him on the Lido Deck? Dan will look the other way. Besides, he really wants to try and do his best with the pictures for the company. It’ll be a nice break from the routine he usually has at work. Contract law versus taking a photo or two a day on a cruise ship? Legal jargon has nothing on this sweet life.

He reaches for his phone to check the time. While he didn’t set an alarm, he wanted to wake up early (well, early for him) and try the buffet breakfast. But it’s 11:31, so he missed that. He wanted to have more than a healthy amount of Danish for breakfast and endless mugs of coffee, but he’ll have to settle for lunch instead.

He decides to, since he has time before it’s even available, start his day with a nice, long bath. He lets the water run, steaming up the bathroom. How such a ship can fit so many rooms with sizeable bathrooms is a mystery to Dan, but one he gladly welcomes. He pours some of the ivory coloured bath cream into the water and the pure smell of the water turns into the mixture of vanilla and hibiscus. Without even stepping into the water, Dan feels pampered.

He undresses in the room, not the bathroom because no one can see him. Since his room and balcony are completely out of the view, he could even sunbathe wearing nothing. Which he will have to do at some point. Surely the whales won’t mind.

Dan carefully steps into the water. His toes are a bit cold so the warmth of the water rushes through his body. He sinks into the bubbles; surprisingly, all of him fits. There are no cold knees or cold shoulders, which is usually something that happens.

Finally, something he fits in, he smiles to himself. He’s always been the odd one out. He’s always been weird, there’s no denying that. He was bullied and called names in school and that left him with a scarred soul. It took years of therapy to get through his issues, but he’s better now. He understands that those kids had things going on in their lives. He knew pretty early on that he’s also into boys as well as girls. In fact, he’s had more crushes on boys than girls. It didn’t help with the bullying or the physical abuse he had to endure in school because some bullies decided Dan was in the way. Kids are mean. They are incredibly mean and they have no filter. 

For years he kept denying it, wishing he would one day wake up as straight. That day never came. It was hard, for a while, harder than anything else he had to endure in life. Being in an all-boys’ school definitely didn’t help. He’s an adult now and he’d like to think that it’s behind him, but during those cold nights when he can’t fall asleep, he still thinks about it. But over the years, he’s worked on it. While he’s not there yet, maybe never will, he’s happier now. He knows that it was just a part of his life and he moved onto bigger and better things. Moving away from Reading was the first step on a very long journey. He still hasn’t found that person that makes him completely safe, the one person who genuinely likes him. While he’s close to Louise, Dan doesn’t really consider her his best friend. He loves her to bits, but there’s something missing, something he can’t quite put his finger on. He needs a best friend. A soulmate, even though he doesn’t really believe in soulmates (except he does, but doesn’t let anyone know that). He needs… A companion through life.

With that thought, despite just waking up, the gentle rocking of the ship and the warm water makes him feel all loose and comfortable, and eventually, he falls asleep.

When he wakes, the water is freezing. He steps out, but instead of drying himself, he jumps into the shower, letting the hot water thaw his body out. He uses the provided shower gel and shampoo, then once he’s all warmed up, he leaves the steamy shower and wraps himself in the ridiculously soft and ridiculously oversized bath sheet.

It’s crazy, he thinks, that there are people who constantly live this life just because they can afford to so he’s going to make the most out of it. He’s going to live like a king for the duration of the cruise, then he can worry about everything afterwards. He’s going to enjoy and do everything fancy on the cruise, even with Patrick around.

He dresses quickly in navy linen capris and a white and black striped T-shirt, this way quickly exhausting most of his non-black summer clothes options. He likes black clothes, he looks good in them. He even tried to buy summer clothes, but just ended up buying more black things. Sure, he could’ve asked Louise to help him, but he wasn’t ready for a bruised ego.

He decides to try Amethyst, one of the lunch spots on Sun Deck. Wherever he goes, life is already on its way, people chatting and laughing, kids chasing each other and stewards dodging them as much as they can. Before coming here, he read that a cruise ship is like a mini-city, with all the amenities people can imagine. Now, as he’s walking towards the lifts, he understands.

He should feel lonely. With all the buzz and bustling life around him, with the couples, friends and family he really should. He doesn’t. Okay, maybe a little and it would be better if he had someone to talk to, but at least this way he gets to experience all of it.

The weather outside is as it should be. Deep blue waters, clouds only far away on the horizon, warm and breezy. Even with his limited geography knowledge (even though he did exactly that for A-Levels), he knows they’re somewhere in the Bay of Biscay, somewhere east off of the French coast. 

The deck is packed, everyone is enjoying the sun. There is a paddling pool for children and a bigger one as well, but the main pool is a floor below, on Lido Deck. The Sun Deck has a chunk of the floor missing from the middle so the Sun gets to the main pool. There are walkways on either side, leading to the aft of the ship where the restaurant is located.

It’s half outside, but thankfully nowhere as crowded as the deck itself. It’s a buffet-style restaurant, so once his card gets swiped he’s free to sit wherever. He looks around, both inside and out and sees none other than Patrick sitting inside. Of fucking course. He is, however, not alone; there’s another guy sitting with him, curly-haired and smiling. Presumably his boyfriend.

At that moment, he locks eyes with Patrick. Dan’s stood there, frozen. Even though he promised himself Patrick wouldn’t affect his mood, seeing him and especially seeing him with his new boyfriend is quite upsetting.

Even where Dan’s standing, he can see him scoffing as he turns away. That, however, piques his boyfriend’s interest. The boyfriend asks something from Patrick who then nods. Dan should go away, he really should. Maybe he could have sushi, instead. Or maybe he could just walk the plank (in the literal sense) and start a new life in France.

But, before he can make his mind up, the boyfriend is standing up and leaving their table, walking straight to Dan.

“Hey,” he says with a slight Brummie accent. “You’re Dan, aren’t you?”

He could say no and walk away. Or maybe he shouldn’t say anything and just get a headstart on that new French life right away. But he doesn’t, he’s ready to deal with this as an adult. It’s scary as fuck and awkward, but if they’re stuck together for two weeks, might as well.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Cool! I heard a lot about you from Patrick.” Dan smiles, not knowing what to say. The boyfriend laughs a bit. “It’s uncomfortable, I know. I’ve been there. But do you want to join? Let’s make it even more horrible.” He starts walking back to their table, but Dan’s still unable to move. “Come on, you.” He grabs his wrist, dragging him along.

“Jimmy, what are you doing?” Patrick hisses.

“Oh, shush.” He pulls out a chair for Dan. “Sit!” With a swift move, he presses him into it.

There’s silence for a couple of seconds, then the boyfriend, Jimmy, starts talking about a meeting he had with an ex, but neither of them is paying attention to it. Patrick is looking at Dan like he’s about to grab a knife and murder him, but the children in the pool are the only thing holding him back. But, Dan’s even worse. He can’t help but stare at Patrick and it’s uncomfortable for everyone.

“That’s great, sweetie,” Patrick says to Jimmy. Only a couple of months ago, that nickname belonged to Dan. He was called ‘sweetie’ after morning sex or while he was making dinner for Patrick. Now it feels foreign and ill-bred, like Patrick’s doing it to him on purpose. “Why do you bother us constantly?” This time, the question is for Dan.

Before he answers, he takes his time to think. Usually, he just says the first thing on his mind.

He wonders why Patrick feels the worst of his breakups. He got away, just like the rest of them. Some were mutual, but mostly Dan just got dumped. He knows he’s too much, too clingy and cares too much about romance. But Patrick, it’s different with him.

After breaking up with the others, he realised it wasn’t love, no matter how long they dated. It was always an infatuation, but after the magic wore off, Dan realised he wasn’t really into it. Seemingly it was always one-sided. But he truly believes he was in love with Patrick. Maybe he still is. 

“Patrick,” Jimmy says, warning in his voice. “Sorry, he left his manners in England.”

“No, I didn’t. This creep is following me.”

Dan’s too stunned to answer, but Jimmy’s not. “Oh, come on, don’t be dramatic.”

“I won a competition,” Dan mumbles.

“Act nice,” Jimmy tells Patrick who stays quiet, which is probably for the best. Jimmy turns towards Dan. “So, you won this cruise? That’s nice.”

“Yeah, I’ve been uh... “ Another death glare from Patrick, but Dan’s determined to stick it to him. “I’ve been meaning to come on one of these but never had the money.”

“University, huh?”

Dan nods slowly. “Law, yeah.” He is awkward by default, but this whole situation is on another level. 

“That’s cool. I’ve never really had a head for that kind of stuff myself.”

“What do you do?”

“TV and radio. Freelancing mostly, but trying to make a living, you know.”

Dan nods. He considers running to the buffet table and stuffing his face with whatever he can eat in exactly two seconds then going back to his room or to another deck, basically just away from here.

“He’s ruining our holiday,” Patrick whispers to Jimmy. Well, ‘whispers’; even the waiter on the other side of the room could hear it, Dan’s sure of it.

“I can go.” 

Patrick shoots him a look but then looks back at his boyfriend. “Don’t you think it’s weird? My current boyfriend hanging out with the fuck up of an ex.”

“Come on, Pat,” Jimmy says, annoyance clear to hear in his voice. He’s clutching the cutlery, the knuckles on his hands are white as snow. “Don’t be a dick.”

Dan lowers his gaze, looking at the table, wishing he could just jump into the ocean. It’s one thing he constantly ruins his own relationships, but now, he’s managed to fuck up another. 

But, at the same time, he tries to look at this rationally like his therapist tells him to and also think about what Louise would say. He’s pretty sure she’d say that it’s not his fault, that Jimmy invited him to their table. Still, he feels bitter and sad, not knowing how to rectify the situation.

After a few long seconds of silence, Patrick speaks. “I’ll be in the cabin. Let me know if you decide to choose me over him.”

“Patrick…” Jimmy tries to say, but he’s already walking away. This would be the perfect time for Dan to excuse himself and leave as well. But, before he could, Jimmy sighs. “I knew it.” He’s smiling sadly, looking like a broken and old man.

“What are you talking about?”

“We actually dated once before, a couple of years ago. It didn’t last very long, but it was sweet and everything. But he ended up breaking up with me because he saw me talking to a guy on the street. I tried to explain to him that he was actually my cousin, but he didn’t listen. Anyway, he dumped me, then a couple of months ago he reached out to me, saying he wants to give us another try.” Dan stares at him, not knowing what to say. It all sounds… Way too familiar. “He told me all about you, that you were the worst and you were always controlling him. But, just now, I saw the way he acted. I guess I knew it beforehand, but I needed confirmation. It was always him, the lying and awful son of a bitch did this.” Jimmy leans back in his chair taking a deep breath. “Fuck.”

Dan wants to reach across the table, to put a comforting hand on Jimmy’s. He doesn’t know he should or if it’s inappropriate. So he says, “I’m sorry.”

Jimmy picks up a carrot baton from his plate, turning it between his fingers. “I should’ve seen. He’s not a nice person, I even knew that the first way around. But he’s really charming, y’know? Too charming, in fact, so I should’ve known.” Jimmy sighs. He’s looking too frustrated and Dan doesn’t know how to help so for now, he’ll stay quiet and let Jimmy talk it out. “It’s Patrick. It’s what he does. He makes you believe that he’s the only one for you, breaks you down to bare essentials and leaves you rotting in the gutter.” He throws the carrot back on the plate.

“Yeah, I… Yeah.”

“I was so in love with him the first time around,” Jimmy continues, “and I guess when he reached out to me, when he said he wants to make things right, my stupid heart was the one saying yes.” He sighs again. “Sorry. He’s such an awful guy, I don’t know why I agreed to pay for this whole cruise.”

“Because you wanted to believe that he changed?”

“Yeah, I guess. I was so young when I first fell for him and I honestly thought he was the one. He used that against me. But the thing is, I knew. I knew that that and I know it now.”

“What are you gonna do, then?” 

“I don’t know. The only thing I know is that I don’t want to spend more time with him.”

Dan nods, not knowing what to say. He is really hungry, considering the last thing he ate was about 16 hours ago. He quickly excuses himself, but Jimmy’s too preoccupied with something in his head to even really notice.

The buffet tables are extraordinary. Small sandwiches, cakes and puddings, but also mini burgers, pizza, pasta, even some weird looking soup. Dan settles on a quiche eventually, with salad and chips. He brings it back to the table where Jimmy seems to have settled on something, judging by his satisfied smile.

“Can I get yous anything to drink?” A waitress, Sarah, according to her name tag, asks; her red nails are longer than the company probably allows it.

“Can I get just water, please?” Dan says.

“Is it too early to ask for something really strong?” Jimmy asks, but not sure from whom. 

“Uh…” She hesitates. “We have shots and various liquors available.”

“Are you sure it’s a good idea?” Dan looks at him. He’s starting to like Jimmy, so of course he’s worried about him.

“Well, I’m about to talk to Patrick, probably even break up with him, so yeah, it’s more than necessary.”

Dan nods. “Four vodka shots please.”

She nods and walks away.

“Thanks.” Jimmy smiles at him. “Are those all for me?”

“Who said anything about you?” 

It makes Jimmy giggle, which is probably a good thing considering the thing he’s about to do.

Jimmy soon leaves Dan at the table to deal with the whole situation. Dan doesn’t try to give advice, because even though he had a part in this, it’s not his place. Jimmy can decide on his own, he’s a lot more mature than Dan is.

He can’t wait to call Louise. He knows she’ll be delighted to hear about this and he can already imagine her happiness when she gets to say ‘I told you so’. Truth is, Dan should’ve seen it. He knows Louise was right when she was consoling him all those months ago. He knows what Patrick did and the way he behaved was not okay. But he was blinded by him, by his love for him. Patrick has a big personality, very charming and alluring. It was easy for Dan to fall in love with him. Maybe, some small piece of his mind knew from the start that Patrick is toxic and being with him would be a mistake. But that part was always overshadowed by how much Dan loved him. The sex was great, going out with him on dates was fun. Everything should’ve been like a fairytale. For a while, at least.

Dan wanted to believe in it. He’s as romantic as it gets, he likes the cheesiness of it. And Patrick swept him off his feet. Their first date was at a modern art gallery. While Dan isn’t one for modern art (he likes his classicists and impressionists), he liked that he got to watch Patrick be passionate about something he’s interested in. That was probably the only time he saw the version of Patrick he wanted to truly believe in: staring at the paintings with childlike wonder, so pure and uninfluenced by the big bad world.

In his mind, that was his boyfriend all along. In his mind, Patrick was always kind and loving. He always put Dan first, wanting to make him happy. In his mind, Patrick was the one. Dan’s already imagined their future. Work for a couple of years, then buy a house somewhere not too far from London with a big, big garden. Get a dog, get married. Be truly happy.

But, in reality, especially seeing it happen to Jimmy too, is, well, kind of a big wake up call. Dan could spend the rest of the cruise moping, but he’s already decided not to let Patrick ruin his holiday. The funny thing is, if Dan didn’t meet Patrick, he wouldn’t have met Jimmy either and he wouldn’t have seen just how truly awful his ex is and most likely, his broken heart would’ve been there to stay.

So, as awful as it sounds, he’s kind of glad he lit the match. Maybe, after all this, Patrick will come to his senses and treat his next partner with more respect and kindness. And, maybe, just maybe, Dan’s broken heart can heal, too. 


	5. Day 2 - At sea

Once he’s finished with lunch and doesn’t feel quite as dizzy anymore (surprisingly, two shots on an almost empty stomach can have that effect), Dan decides to head back to his room, but only to change clothes and get his book. With Patrick out of the picture, at least for now, he can enjoy the luxuries of the cruise ship in the company of his book.

He stays true to himself though: black shorts with a white grid pattern and a black T-shirt. He might (or rather will) overheat in the sun, but can’t cheat on his aesthetic. Besides, he has exhausted his summer clothes collection almost in its entirety and the little voice in his head is telling him that others will judge if he repeats a look. Technically, he could’ve stayed in his clothes from earlier, but who doesn’t want to blind people with chalk-white thighs? So, black clothes it is. He’ll just try to get a sun lounger in the shade.

That, however, proves to be impossible. There are no free loungers left on Lido or Sun Deck. They’re either occupied by screaming kids, men in their fifties with beer bellies or just towels while their owners are nowhere to be seen. And for once Dan wants to be outside, wanted to go out to enjoy the Sun.

Instead, he heads to the bar on Sun Deck, recalling his conversation with Mina. It feels like a lifetime ago, yet it was only the day before. It’s quite packed, people seem to have settled into the cruising life. Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, drinking colourful cocktails, laughing loudly and hogging chairs. There’s one free left, right in front of the beer taps.

Mina is there, thankfully, happily chatting to customers. Her bright smile seems kind of fake though. Dan’s worked enough hours in customer care (Asda when he was 16 for a couple of weeks, but still) to know how exhausting it is. But when she sees Dan, her smile changes.

She finishes pouring a glass of wine for a middle-aged woman, then walks to the other end of the bar, where Dan is sat. 

“You came!”

He smiles at her. “I did, yeah. Running away wasn't really an option.”

She laughs a bit. “You're funny. Anyways, what can I get you?”

“Surprise me.”

“You're not the first one to say that today. A guy came here, asked for something sugary and I gave him a cocktail with nothing but sugar in it and he said it wasn't sweet enough.”

“Oh, what a jerk!” But truth be told, Dan finds this endearing. He's found that if someone takes their coffee with a lot of sugar, they're good people. “Something less sugary will do, but thanks.”

Mina starts preparing his drink, while other bartenders are serving the rest of the patrons. Slowly, the crowd disappears, going back to their rooms or jumping into a pool. Dan changes seats; he doesn't want to smell like beer afterwards. 

“There you go!” She slides across a black and glittery cocktail with a rainbow-coloured umbrella.

“Oh, fancy! What’s in it?”

“Vodka, coke, Maraschino liqueur and edible glitter.”

Dan takes a sip; he’s immediately hit by the bitterness of the vodka, the sweetness of coke and the taste of cherries. “This is amazing. What is it called?”

“I’m thinking of calling it,” Mina raises her arms so signal the name, “‘Sad Nerd on a Cruise Ship’. It’d be quite popular I think.”

Dan laughs. He appreciates her humour and he’s nowhere near offended by it. “That’s good.”

Mina smiles as she puts some glasses in the sink, rinsing them. She then starts to reorganising the bottles of spirits displayed, but her eyes never leave Dan’s. “Sorry if this is inappropriate, but I saw you earlier at lunch. You were with two other guys.”

“Oh.” Colour drains from Dan’s face. He’s a bit confused by the whole exchange still, not knowing what to think or how to feel. “Yeah, uh… That was my ex and his boyfriend.”

“Yikes. Talk about awkward.”

“Actually, the boyfriend is lovely. It’s the ex, he’s not a nice person.”

“Oh?” Mina stops cleaning and reorganising. “You know bartenders are  _ very _ good listeners.”

“Isn’t that a stereotype?”

“So is gays being well-dressed, yet here we are.”

Dan smirks. He likes the teasing. “Touche.”

“Go on,” she says as she pours herself some water.

Under normal circumstances, Dan would share this with Louise. But she’s not here, calling her would be either impossible or it would cost a fortune. Technically, Dan could message her on Facebook, but to his biggest surprise, he doesn’t miss social media.

So, instead, he tells everything to Mina, only stopping when she has to serve someone. But he tells it all, the dreamy first date, the spontaneous and hot weekend they spent in Brighton and dinner making turned kinky sex that ended up with … holes filled with whipped cream. She cringes at that, but it’s all part of the story she’s so interested in.

He tells her how much he adored Patrick and how much he worshipped him. He tells her how perfect he thought it was and how much he wanted it to work, already imagining their future together and how hard he worked on the relationship.

He also tells her the first time Patrick shouted at him for smiling at a cashier. He tells her when he was about to bite his head off in a restaurant when he accidentally touched the waiter’s hand. He tells her how he threatened to break up with him every time he mentioned another man’s name. 

Looking back now, telling and reliving it, Dan sees where it all went wrong. He blames himself for not noticing it sooner, for being blinded by love. His head was in a pink haze. He put Patrick first because he thought that’s what he was supposed to do, even when his own health (mental and physical) needed some care.

“So now,” he finishes the story, which is the furthest thing from a fairy tale, “he’s on this very cruise ship with his current boyfriend.”

“Oh, Dan. That’s awful.”

He shrugs. “It is what it is. Jimmy said that he’s going to have a talk with Patrick because he’s been doing the same things to him.”

“Hm,” that’s all Mina says. Even though it’s an unsettling ‘hm’, Dan doesn’t question it.

“Can I get another one? This tastes good.”

“Sure.” She smiles at Dan and she starts preparing it.

Three cocktails and a walk of shame (back to the bar because Dan left his book there) later, he gives up on being outside. His head is buzzing, his insides are warm. He decides to lie down before dinner because this time, he’s determined to make it to an actual restaurant. 

It takes him two tries to slide his card into the slot. He giggles to himself when he misses it, blaming it on the swaying of the ship. It’s surprising he managed to make it back to his room, really, the ship is nothing but an enormous maze.

“It’s like a Vegas casino!” He laughs at his own discovery, feeling very proud.

He takes his shoes off: one ends up on the sofa, the other manages to find its way into the bathtub. How he doesn’t know, but he considers it a rather enormous achievement. He takes his shorts and T-shirt off, falling into the bed face first. He reaches underneath himself and pulls the single shoe, throwing it against the windows. He hugs his super soft pillow, getting cosy, getting ready for a nap, when he has a revelation: he’s craving shitty, greasy takeaway.

He sits up in bed with dizzying speed, grabbing the room service menu. His drunken eyes take a couple of seconds to focus on small font; when they do, he sadly realises there’s no kebab or chippy on the menu. Somehow ‘Wild Pacific salmon in lemon and lime dressing with avocado salad’ just isn’t the same.

He’s about to lift the phone to order something less obnoxiously snob when there’s knock on his front door.

His mind, for some reason, immediately jumps to the card he found the day before. He already imagines the tall, dark-haired stranger, standing in front of his room with a bouquet, wanting to thank Dan. Maybe, he would also like to express his gratitude through kisses.

But, as he walks towards the door after the second round of knocking (and yes, he’s still half-naked), he imagines Patrick on the other side, ready to punch him unconscious. So when he opens the door, he’s both sad and relieved. Dan blinks and when he sees it’s Jimmy, it’s like he gets punched in the guts, drunkenness mostly gone.

Jimmy is standing outside with a backpack on his shoulder and holding a couple of clothes. His eyes are red and puffy, tears are still rolling down his cheeks. He doesn’t deserve this, Dan knows. 

“Oh, come in.” He steps away from the door, picking up his clothes and throwing them to the sofa. “What happened?” he asks, once Jimmy closes the door.

“I did it. I broke up with him.”

Dan is standing there, staring at Jimmy, completely stunned. He did the one thing Dan could never do: he was brave enough to do something wise and threw Patrick’s ass into the bin where it belongs.

“How did he take it?”

Jimmy sighs. He drops his clothes and bag on the floor and sits on the bed. He leans against the headboard and pats the space next to him. Dan sits and a few seconds later Jimmy’s head is in Dan’s lap. His fingers immediately find their way into his light brown and soft curls. 

“Not well. He called me selfish. He called me stupid for letting you manipulate me.” Dan scoffs. It takes one to know one. “Anyway, I told him to leave the ship in Málaga and he never gets to talk to either one of us ever again.”

“You did that?” Dan’s heart melts. 

“Yeah.”

“Wasn’t he mad? I thought he paid for the cruise.” 

Jimmy curses under his breath. “The liar. No, it’s all me. He’s been whining to go on a cruise.”

“Oh.”

They’re quiet for a bit, sitting in the constant humming made by the engines. Jimmy is the first to speak. “I hate how heartbroken I am. I hate that I knew it, that I know it, yet it still affects me.”

And that’s when it dawns on Dan. Maybe it’s the alcohol he had, maybe it’s the emotional day he had, or maybe it’s because Jimmy is crying because of the same guy Dan cried a few months ago. But he realises something that starts to heal his own heart, just a bit.

“That’s what he wanted.” Jimmy looks at him, confused a bit. “Patrick. He wanted to blame us for our broken hearts and his. Even after the breakup, he continues to manipulate us.”

Jimmy stares at the ceiling, deep in thought. After a few moments, the light seems to return into his eyes as he nods. “Yeah, you’re right. He doesn’t deserve my tears because he’s had enough. He doesn’t even deserve our broken hearts, no matter how shattered it is.”

“He never deserved us,” Dan says softly. He imagines Louise, thousands of miles away, applauding him. 

“We shouldn’t waste our trip just because he’s an asshole.”

“No. This is not only a new chapter but rather the first chapter of a brand new story.”

Jimmy doesn’t say anything, but he smiles at Dan, just a bit. He knows there’s a long journey ahead for the both of them. They both need to heal, emotionally and mentally. The relationships they had with Patrick was more than draining.

Dan feels like a hypocrite, though. It’s been months since he and Patrick broke up. His chapter should’ve started a while ago. The dates he went on, the messages on Tinder did nothing for his broken heart. He feels as if he’s still under the spell of Patrick; but during this chapter of his story, Patrick went from a knight in shining armour on a white horse to an evil warlock who brings destruction. He wants to escape him but doesn’t know how. Dan hopes that once Patrick is off this ship, he’ll be out of his life, for good.

They don’t talk. They spend the next hour in bed, Jimmy’s head still in Dan’s lap, Dan’s fingers still in Jimmy’s hair. The duvet ends up covering them. Being wrapped up in that soft cocoon is nice and soothing, even though it’s warm. Their legs are tangled together; Jimmy’s slightly smaller frame fits nicely with Dan’s. But it’s not perfect. He knows it’s not perfect; he’s yet to find that one person who’s just right.

When they do talk, it’s after Jimmy’s stomach signalling dinner time. He sits up, leaving Dan feeling empty and strange after his weight is gone. Jimmy looks at his backpack and then Dan.

“Is it okay if I stay with you? Sorry, I should’ve asked, but I just wanted to get away from him. Just until he leaves the ship. I don’t want to spend more time with him.”

“Of course you can stay.”

“I don’t mind asking for a guest bed or--”

“Jimmy.”

“Sorry.”

Dan softly smiles at Jimmy. He’s becoming quite fond of him quickly. He’s fun, he’s nice but most importantly, he’s nothing like Patrick. Jimmy understands his heartache like no one else can. He knows how it feels like to be manipulated by some asshole, he knows how it feels like to be used as a rug to stomp your shoes on.

“Food?”

“Sure. And alcohol,” he says with a grin.

“Of course. That was self-explanatory.”

They get dressed in smart casual attire. In Dan’s case, that means black jeans with no holes (which he shouldn’t wear, cause it’s not smart casual, but at this point, he’s beyond caring) and a black button-up. Jimmy wears burgundy chinos and a white shirt. 

They decide to get sushi at Jade located on the Prom Deck. Stuffing their faces with nigiris, makis and uramakis while drinking sake is pretty nice. They chat about university and life in London. 

Once they’re full, they head down to the Garnet Theatre to see a stand-up comedian. It’s not as interesting or funny as they hope it would be, but it’s still better than being cooped up in the cabin and moping the night away. 


	6. Day 3 - At sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for mild panic attack

Dan wakes up earlier than he wants to and it’s not his fault. He blames Jimmy for a, hogging the duvet and b, for taking two-thirds of the bed. But as bitter as he is, he definitely likes sleeping next to a warm body. 

It’s been a while since he got to do that; he was too heartbroken to have a relationship and he’s not really into one night stands. Besides, Louise doesn’t do sleepovers anymore, not since she’s got kids. He likes the warmth of another person curled up next to him, the tiny, deep breaths on his neck. He even likes Jimmy’s snoring because that means someone is there. Sure, it might’ve gotten annoying after two hours, but better than the echoing silence.

“Mmm,” Jimmy says with a yawn. “Morning.” 

He stretches, letting go of the duvet. Dan uses this to wrap himself up, covering his face. It’s too early to be human. “Let me sleep.”

“No, I’m starving. I don’t know about you, but sushi’s not really food, is it?” How can someone talk so much so early? If Dan wasn’t so tired and sleepy, he would roll his eyes. But he just grunts: no one can diss sushi like that. “Don’t you want croissant? Or pain au chocolat? Or some other French pastry?”

“I want coffee.”

Jimmy jumps out of bed with so much energy it actually hurts Dan. “Have a shower. You smell, mate.”

“It’s you who farted.”

Jimmy tries to show a shocked face, but he fails massively. Instead, he just grins before disappearing into the bathroom with some clothes.

Still in bed, Dan smiles to himself. He likes this guy. For once, he knows there’s nothing romantic or sexual about this. He sometimes has trouble differentiating between platonic and not-so-platonic relationships. Meaning: sometimes, he develops crushes on recently made friends, which, of course, eventually will mean that that friendship is ruined. But he likes Jimmy as a friend. And he’s such a great guy to be friends with.

With difficulty, he gets out of bed. Despite his hatred of the outside world, he’s quite excited to see the Sun and blue sky. His room is facing east at the moment, giving him a perfect place to see a sunrise. Not that he’ll ever be up so early, but it’s nice knowing he has the chance. But once he opens his blackout curtains, he’s greeted by grey clouds and drizzle on his windows.

“Nope,” he says and climbs back into bed.

He can hear the toilet flushing and the tap turning on. Dan shifts in bed, but only to get his book. It’s a staying-in-bed kind of day.

He’s actually really excited to read this book, but he’s been distracted. But locked inside a cruise ship on a rainy day is the perfect excuse to stay in bed. He opens A Kiss of Perfection with the same excitement a kid opens his birthday presents and starts reading. 

Sebastian Porter stares at his reflection. His hair never sits the way it’s supposed to. It’s never perfect. He spends the next two minutes combing it over and over again, but it still curls away, creating a splinge. Eventually, he gives up. He could spend the next five years wishing it to its place, but he knows it won’t happen. And now he’s late from work.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Jimmy appears from the bathroom, dressed and ready to roll. Dan quickly manages to hide the book, before Jimmy could see it. “I’m starving, we’re getting breakfast.”

“But it’s raining.”

“So what? You’re inside.”

Dan just stares at him, like Jimmy doesn’t understand basic human stuff. When it’s raining and you’re off from work, you’re supposed to stay in bed. It doesn’t matter that you’re on a cruise ship with amenities enough for a small city. 

“No.”

Jimmy walks to the bed and with a swift move, he pulls the duvet away, leaving Dan exposed, to say the least. “You can have the most luscious vanilla latte. You can ask for extra foam.”

“I don’t like extra foam.”

Jimmy groans. At this point, Dan is about 99% willing to go, he’s really intrigued by the promise of lattes, but also, he likes teasing Jimmy. “You can get just plain old boring black coffee.”

“I don’t like black coffee.”

It’s really hard not to grin. It takes muscles Dan doesn’t have to hold back a huge ass smile. “You can drink tea, then,” Jimmy says through his teeth.

“But I want coffee.”

“Are you for real, mate?” Jimmy throws his hands in the air, then runs his fingers through his hair. “You’ll be the death of me.”

“No, that’s Patrick.”

Finally, Jimmy laughs. “That’s good. Now get your ass out of bed.”

Fifteen minutes later, they’re heading to Pearl, the breakfast bar on Deck B. It’s around 10 am, early for lunch, late for breakfast for normal people, so it’s not that crowded. It’s a buffet-style place, they only have to swipe their card when they arrive, then it’s nothing but food and coffee.

Dan gets a plate, filling it with croissants, cinnamon rolls, maple and pecan plaits and something that smells coconut-y. Once his plate is full, he heads to the table where Jimmy is sitting with his definitely smaller pile. He puts his food on the table but doesn’t sit yet.

“And you wanted to stay in bed.”

Dan takes a bite out of the croissants. He melts in the same way as the pastry melts in his mouth. It’s buttery enough, it’s sweet enough, like the way it’s supposed to be. He then makes his way to the coffee machines. There he’s greeted by the endless combinations. There are five different syrups he can choose from and at least ten different coffee types. He does settle on vanilla latte eventually.

Jimmy is reading the newspaper when he gets back to the table. As it turns out, the ‘newspaper’ on a cruise ship is a 4-page small leaflet with the events of the day, as well as the weather and the most important news from the UK and the world. 

“Anything good?”

“Mm.” Jimmy takes a sip of his own, very sad looking, black coffee. “Supposed to be sunny later. Apparently, it’s really warm in Málaga.”

“That’s tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah.” In that very moment, Jimmy stands up with a huge grin on his face. “I can’t believe my eyes.”

He walks away from the table, towards a black-haired man who seems vaguely familiar. Dan watches the two of them. Jimmy and the stranger hug and start chatting. Dan can’t hear what they’re saying, but he’s intrigued. He watches the raven-haired man the way he holds himself, the way he talks gesturing wildly, the way he smiles. Jimmy says something and they both look at Dan. He looks away, as if he wasn’t just checking out the stranger.

“So, this is Dan,” Jimmy says suddenly next to him. Dan does the awkward shuffling while trying to swallow the very last bite of the cinnamon roll. “Dan, this is Phil, a mate from uni.”

“Hey,” Phil says. He has a deep voice and a permanent small smile that makes his eyes crinkle behind the black-rimmed glasses. 

“Hi,” Dan replies sheepishly, shaking Phil’s extended hand. He finds it weird, super awkward. For no particular reason whatsoever, at least at first that’s what he keeps telling himself. He can’t stop staring at him. Dan feels as if every particle in his body is gravitating towards Phil. But he shakes Phil’s soft hand and tries not to think about it. “Uh… Wanna have a seat?”

“Thanks! I’ll just grab some food.”

As Dan watches him walk away, there’s a small tingle in his heart. He can’t really put his finger on it or why it’s there, but he feels it. To distract himself, he says. “So?”

“So what?”

“Is this ship a reunion of everyone we know?”

Jimmy furrows his brows. “What do you mean?”

“First Patrick, now this Phil guy. It’s oddly… coincidental.” Even though he doesn’t believe in coincidence or fate, this does feel like… Like he’s finally in the first chapter of an epic romance novel.

“You’re being weird.”

Dan shrugs and takes a sip of his coffee. He’s being weird. He doesn’t know anything about Jimmy, really. He might be some rich dude who once a month picks a cruise and spends thousands on them. He might have friends who do that. This Phil might be one of them.

But then he comes back, balancing a stack of waffles and Dan finds that… human. Not something rich people do. The tower is taller than Dan’s original one of the pastries. He sits opposite of Dan, accidentally knocking into his feet.

“Sorry,” he says with an awkward smile. 

Phil is like a newborn giraffe, apparently. Unaware of how limbs work, having no control over them. He’s too clumsy and awkward to be rich as hell.

“So what are you doing here, Phil? I haven’t seen you in like 8 years since we graduated from uni.”

“Yeah, it’s uh…” He pushes his glasses up. “I’m on a holiday, sort of.”

“Sort of?” Dan questions.

Phil smiles at him. Dan only now notices that even his smile is perfect; okay, maybe not, but to Dan, in that very moment, it is. He can’t help but feel something, that excitement of possibilities. Phil is exactly his type: kind, tall, with nice eyes and a nice smile. That’s how Patrick won him over too. And now you’re thinking about him again, that’s just great, Dan thinks.

“Yeah, I was uh…” Phil hesitates and Dan isn’t sure why. “I got this as a present.”

“Don’t you have travel sickness?” Jimmy asks.

“You remember?”

“I remember you puking when we took the bus to Manchester once.”

Dan tries not to laugh because it’s gross to hear that while he’s eating, but the banter between Jimmy and Phil makes up for it. He just watches them (especially Phil) as they recall the memories from university, but doesn’t say anything.

Then suddenly, the realisation dawns on him. “Oh, it’s you!” Phil looks at him, terrified. He looks like a kid whose mum just caught him stealing cookies. “I found your card the other day.”

Phil visibly relaxes. “That was you? What a coincidence!”

“Glad it made it back to you.”

“Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me,” Jimmy mumbles before standing up. 

Dan turns to see what Jimmy is looking at, only to be greeted by a red-eyed Patrick. He looks like he’s spent the past 12 hours crying. Dan wants to feel sorry for him, because that’s just who he is. But the little voice in his head, the one with the unwavering rationality, the one that sounds like Louise, says it’s all just an act, it’s how he wants to manipulate Jimmy.

Whatever the case is, the colour drains from Dan’s face. He hates how Patrick makes him feel. He hates how ashamed he feels for no particular reason. He turns forward but looks only at the white tablecloth. He doesn’t even want to breathe. He can’t breathe. Patrick took everything with him they broke up. When Jimmy told him that Patrick does the same things with him as he did with Dan, there was a glimmer of hope. A chance to take a breath. But he keeps coming back, keeps invading Dan’s life. Now, Dan’s underwater again and he cannot take it anymore.

He stands up from the table, almost running. He runs away from Phil, pushing past patrons of the restaurant, pushing past Jimmy and Patrick. He hears the anger in their voices, but he cannot breathe, cannot see. His heart is all over the place. It’s in his throat, in his ears, in his stomach.

He doesn’t go to his room. He cannot be confined to four walls that don’t belong to him. When he gets to lift, he gets in the first empty one and presses a random button going up. The violent sobbing is close and he doesn’t want anyone to see.

But he’s not that lucky. The doors are just about to close, when someone stops it by sticking their hand between the doors which gently slide open again. On the other side, Phil is standing. He takes a look at Dan’s face and steps inside the lift, without saying anything.

They go up. Tears are already running down Dan’s face so he doesn’t know where they are going. Or why Phil is there. He wants to ask, but when he opens his mouth, only loud sobs come out. He hugs himself as the lift door opens.

He’s spent enough time on Sun Deck to recognise they’re there. Even though the lifts are still on the inside, he can see how miserable the weather is. But he doesn’t care. He needs to breathe.

He dodges laughing kids making their way to a soft play area, then he pushes the massive glass door open, out to the deck. He’s vaguely aware of Phil following him, but he doesn’t care. 

The drizzle has stopped, but the sky is still grey. The wind is almost deafening on one of the highest levels of the ship, but thankfully there are no big waves that would knock them straight into the water. But maybe that’s what Dan needs. He walks to the right side, holding the rail and feeling very, very cold. The deck is odd without the guests' laughter and chatter.

Phil stands next to him. Dan is still crying, but the sobbing is gone. He’s being weird, he knows. It’s like he has to go through a tiny heartbreak every time he sees Patrick, reminding him how awful it feels. When he thinks his heart cannot take it anymore, Patrick is there again, ready to shatter his heart once more.

It’s stupid, really. He shouldn’t be crying. He could’ve cried yesterday or the day before. Dan doesn’t know why now and here. He doesn’t know why this exact moment brought out all the tears.

“You okay?” Phil asks. His voice almost gets lost in the wind.

Dan nods. He takes a deep breath - tries to. It’s hard to breathe when you know there’s something off, it’s suffocating to go through a range of emotions when you see the one who breaks your heart every time you meet them. And really, it has been a very wide range: from utter sadness, through anger, through hatred, through disappointment, through self-hatred, he’s felt everything, every possible negative emotion. Right now, his life is about to fall apart again.

“Why are you here?” Dan asks finally, although he’s pretty sure half his face is covered in snot.

“I don’t know.” He stares out to the rough, dark grey ocean and closes his eyes. “You seemed to need it. Can we go back inside? I don’t feel too good.”

Dan wipes his eyes. Phil’s indeed looking as ashy as the sky. Maybe helping him will help Dan take his mind off of things. “Yeah, sure.” He awkwardly puts his hand on Phil’s elbow, supporting him back towards the lift. “Where do you want to go?” he asks once they’re inside.

“I just need to lay down for a bit.” Phil swallows. “Sorry.”

“Oh, right, okay.” 

Dan doesn’t ask where Phil’s room is and Phil doesn’t offer that information. So he presses the button down to his deck.

The lift arrives within seconds. Once they’re inside, Dan lets go of Phil’s elbow. Phil gives him a small smile, but otherwise, he just seems to concentrate on his breathing. 

When they arrive, Jimmy storms past them. “Jimmy!” Dan calls out. He turns towards them, his face red and tears on his cheeks. “Come on.”

The three of them walk down the corridor, towards Dan’s room. It must be a pretty sight, he reckons: a very seasick ex-emo with his raven black hair, a pissed off guy ready to murder an ex-boyfriend, and a sad loser who almost had a panic attack because of said ex. Helping the Phil and Jimmy definitely helps Dan to take his mind off of things.

So yes, Dan decides as he opens the door of his room, this is definitely a staying-in-bed kind of day.


	7. Day 3 - At sea

They don’t talk for a while. The three of them are in Dan’s bed, under the duvet, fully clothed, apart from shoes. Somehow, Dan ends up in the middle, which he doesn’t mind. His bed isn’t small; it’s a king-size bed, but they’re all above average-sized men. Even though, it’s comfortable in the cocoon, as tight as it might be. Dan enjoys the warmth radiating from Phil and Jimmy, providing comfort for one another. The three of them just exist in the safety of this room, and for now, Dan reckons, that’s all they need.

On one side, Phil is taking small breaths to calm his upset stomach. On the other, Jimmy’s taking small breaths to calm his upset mind. And right in the middle is Dan, trying not to have another freakout. It’s quite the scene really.

He hates Patrick with every fibre of his being. He hates him. Patrick’s managed to ruin his heart, his trust, his self-esteem and now he’s aiming for his vacation. The funny thing is, when Dan knows that Patrick is not around, he’s free to have his emotions, free to be angry. But as soon as Patrick appears, Dan turns into the person he used to be when they were together: constantly doubting every single thing, constantly worried about how he’ll end up pissing off Patrick.

He hates himself for it, too. He let it happen for too long, even after the breakup. He still lets Patrick to affect his day-to-day life. Maybe one of these days, he’ll move past it. Nestled between Jimmy and Phil definitely helps. 

Eventually, after half an hour of calming down, Dan sits up. He sits between Phil and Jimmy, facing them, crossing his legs in front. “Are you well enough to listen?” he asks Phil, who, with his eyes still closed, nods. “Okay, so what happened?”

Jimmy sighs, propping himself up on his elbows. “A shitshow.”

“Yikes.”

“He wanted me to take him back. He was begging, making empty promises. Called you a dickhead like five times.”

“Wow,” Phil mumbles.

“He made a whole scene out of it,” Jimmy continues. “I’m pretty sure we were this close to getting kicked out.”

“So what’s going to happen now? Is he still leaving the ship?” To Dan, that’s the only goal right now. Being away from Patrick would finally calm his mind and let him enjoy his vacation.

Jimmy slowly nods. “I told him to leave the ship in Málaga so I think so. God, I hope so.” He lies back down, covering his eyes with his hands. “I’ll talk to someone from the cruise to make sure.”

They’re quiet for a while. Dan feels the tension radiating from Jimmy’s body. They need to do something fun. The weather is still shit, so swimming is not an option. After last night’s comedy gig, Dan’s kind of wary of the entertainment options offered here.

“We could…” he starts, but he’s interrupted by a knock. Dan and Jimmy share a look. Dan’s scared shitless and Jimmy looks the same. It’s awful how much damage one single guy can make. Dan slowly stands up, grabbing the closest object that can hurt a person, which happens to be the guide book. Not the best. “Who is it?” he calls out.

“It’s Vaughn, Mr Howell.” Dan relaxes a bit. “Miss Lopes from the cruise line would like to speak with you.”

Dan opens the door, still holding the book. He’s still worried Patrick will appear out of nowhere, blaming him as he always does. But instead, it’s just Vaughn and a woman with olive skin and sun-kissed, brown hair. They stare at the book, which Dan manages to drop on the floor. “Sorry,” he mumbles, “a bit on edge today.”

“That’s alright, Mr Howell,” she says with a bright smile. She has some sort of Iberian accent which makes her even more charming. “I’m here for the footage if you’re ready.”

Dan furrows his eyebrows. “Footage? What footage?”

“The photos and videos about your experiences,” she explains slowly.

Suddenly, it dawns on him. Amidst all the chaos and heartbreak, he forgot about it completely. He feels like a kid who didn’t do his homework. “Oh! Sorry, yes, the footage. My battery is dead, it’s charging currently. Could you come back in a couple of hours?”

She frowns, checks her watch and then smiles at Dan. “Of course! How about 4 pm?”

“That’s perfect, thank you!”

He shuts the door so quickly he’s pretty sure it’s rude. His back is sweating, his neck is sweating, everything he’s sweating, because this is it, he didn’t do what he was supposed to, now he has to be on the same flight as fucking Patrick.

“Guys, I’m in big ass trouble.” He quickly tells them what is going on. Apparently, forgetting to make a couple of photos and videos for the cruise line in exchange for the cruise is not as dramatic as Dan thinks. “This is serious!” Dan says, trying to hold back his laughter because Phil’s and Jimmy’s are infectious.

Jimmy, still laughing, sits on the edge of the bed. “Alright, calm down. What do you want to do?”

“Just stay quiet for a few seconds.”

Dan grabs his phone off of the bedside table and walks to the sliding doors. He takes a couple of pictures of the ocean through the glass, but the reflection ruins it. So he opens the door, stepping out to the balcony.

He’s greeted by the cool ocean air and some drizzle that’s falling from the sky. It’s actually really nice because he’s sure Spain will be hot as balls. He snaps a couple of dramatic photos of the stormy ocean and grey clouds. He thinks making a video would be nearly impossible because of the draught, so he skips that for now.

“All good, Mr Photographer?” This time, it’s Phil who’s teasing him. He’s looking better already, some pinkness has returned to his cheeks already. And for some reason, Dan finds Phil’s teasing more… flirtatious.

“Yeah,” Dan blushes. “Uh, can we get some food? I need to take some pictures.” There goes the staying-in-bed day.

“Yeah, I’m starving,” Phil says, already standing up.

“Count me out. I’m worried that Patrick is planning something.” Jimmy’s already back in bed and Dan doesn’t mind. He usually has a thing about people taking up his space, but it’s different with Jimmy. And Phil. Definitely Phil.

“You want us to stay? I feel bad for leaving you.”

Jimmy smiles but he’s shaking his head. “No, you go ahead.”

“Sure food is the best idea for you?” Dan asks Phil. “You were about to die two minutes ago.”

“Nothing can stand between me and food.”

“Alright, you spork.” Dan rolls his eyes. They wave goodbye and leave Jimmy behind who’s already watching a film he found on the TV.

Dan’s worried that Patrick will find him but he can’t live in fear until the end of the cruise. He’ll just keep an eye out for him. Besides, at the moment, he seems to be more interested in Jimmy. Also, secretly Dan hopes that Phil will protect him like a knight in shining… well, glasses.

After a quick chat, they head down to Prom Deck to try out Sapphire, a buffet-style restaurant. They don’t really talk, because even after everything, they’re strangers, so it’s kind of awkward. Phil is just a guy who was there with Dan when he had a meltdown. He is Jimmy’s friend, not Dan’s.

But, at the same time, it’s an easy, comfortable silence. Dan doesn’t have to think about filling the quiet by asking stupid questions. There’s something about Phil. Something peculiar about the way he talks, the way he walks, the way he lets Dan go through the doors first. He’s like a small person trapped inside of a giant’s body, not directly controlling his limbs. 

It’s stupid to think that, Dan reckons quietly as they sit down by the huge windows. It doesn’t make sense, but it does, because looking at Phil, he sees the same thing he himself feels. It’s awkward to control the long limbs, to be always a head taller than anyone, to not blend in.

“You’re quiet,” Phil says as he takes a sip of his coke.

“Sorry, just… processing.”

Phil replies with a smile and picks some chow mein up with his chopsticks. Dan cannot help but lick his lips as Phil quietly moans biting into the noodles. “Oh my gosh, that’s amazing.”

Fuck. Who would’ve thought that this guy would have such an immense, immediate effect on him? The sound Phil made echoes in his ears. It’s insanely hot and kind of inappropriate, considering this is a family restaurant, but Dan cannot stop thinking about it. One thing he knows for sure is that he’d like to hear it more.

Dan chose Spanish omelette for lunch; he almost digs into it before remembering. He takes a couple of pictures, on its own and against the backdrop of the restaurant, making sure the angle and lighting are the best they can be before putting his phone on the table.

Just as Phil did, Dan also moans as he takes a bite out of it. Guilty as charged. Dan loves his food and he won’t hide it. As embarrassed as he is, he looks at Phil, who’s staring back at a smirk on his lips.

“Good?”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t need to be.”

Dan takes a sip of his water. “Also, I just wanted to thank you. For earlier, I mean.”

“Yeah, I just… wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Thanks.” It feels weird in a way Dan cannot explain. Following him, checking on him, it all felt intimate. To change the topic, Dan asks, “So Phil, tell me something. If you get seasick, why are you on a cruise ship?”

“I told you, it’s a holiday.”

“Bullshit. If you know you have seasickness, you fly to Greece, you don’t just go on a 17-day cruise on the Mediterranean.”

“I’m an…” Phil pauses like he’s unsure of what he wants to say. He takes another sip of his drink, but Dan is not giving up. He likes Phil, despite not knowing him. He’s a strange human being. “I work in publishing,” he says finally. “My boss, if you will, decided that I can’t do my job properly because I don’t know what it’s like being on a cruise.”

“Oh, so you’re like an editor?”

“Yeah, more or less.”

Dan has dated accountants, lawyers, even a fucking forester (although, he preferred to call him a lumberjack daddy, but that’s a different story), but never an editor. Not that this is a date.

But, he entertains the thought as they continue to eat in silence. Phil watches kids running straight towards a play area, so Dan has time to think. For starters, he doesn’t even know if Phil is even interested in men. And Dan’s heart still needs to heal, especially after seeing Patrick again. Whatever happens, he doesn’t want Phil to be his rebound, he has Grindr for that. He also knows that this scenario is mostly out of the picture. Phil probably has a beautiful girlfriend (or even wife? He seems to be a couple of years older than Dan), maybe a kid or two. Phil is the person Dan aspires to be: he seemingly has his shit together and knows what he's doing. But at the same time, Phil is the person he wants to spend more time with and not just platonically. 

Once the train of his thoughts reaches a station, he just stares at Phil. He’s gorgeous, in a way that makes Dan’s heart ache and yearn. He wants to reach across the table to touch Phil’s hand, but that’d be crossing a line. His quiff got a bit flatter after rolling around in bed and his glasses are slowly sliding down his nose. He’s human, so human and so beautiful.

“So, uh, what do you do?” Phil asks suddenly, turning back to Dan, catching him staring.

Dan looks away and tries to hide his blushing but there’s no use. “I’m a legal assistant, I guess.”

“You guess?” Phil looks at him with intrigue.

Dan shrugs and he drinks some of his water. He hates to be asked that. It makes him feel like a failure like he can’t achieve anything proper in life.“Dropped out of uni, but I have no hidden talents, so I was kind of forced to use whatever legal knowledge I managed to absorb in a year. It was either this or retail, which… would’ve been horrible.”

Phil nods and smiles at Dan. He has a kind smile, a genuine one, but Dan still feels the pity behind it. He’s used to it, but he isn’t. He knows he could change careers if he wanted to, but he needs a secure paycheck and decent job, and his current position does that. He can’t go around chasing his dreams no matter how much he’d like to.

They talk about superficial things: the weather, the good food and a kid who falls face first into a cupcake. By the time they finish their food and eclairs, Dan’s exhausted his entire repertoire of small talk.

“I think I’m gonna head back to my room,” Phil says as they’re leaving the restaurant. “My head is starting to spin a bit, so I want to lay down.”

“Yeah, sure.” They make their way towards the lifts. “But this was nice.”

“It was, yes.” It’s kind of awkward, like that tingling he gets after a first date. Not that it was, but it’s still there. Like that unsure, not knowing of ‘what’s next?’. They get into the lift and press the button to their level; as it turns out, Phil is on the same deck as Dan is.

As they’re going upwards, they begin speaking at the same time. “I was thinking…” “If you’re interested…”

They both laugh quietly and Phil gestures Dan to go first. “Sorry, do you want to grab dinner with me and Jimmy?”

“We just had food, but you’re already thinking about when to eat next.” Phil puts his hands on his chest. “A man after my own heart.”

Dan’s heart goes boom when he hears that. Maybe there’s a slight chance Phil is interested in men.

“So are you in? Maybe we could check out some of the shops as well, I haven’t done that yet.”

They arrive at their floor but stand awkwardly in the foyer. Phil grins at Dan. “Sure, count me in!”

“What were you going to say?”

Phil blushes, for whatever reason. “Oh, same, actually. I’ll come and knock on your door after my nap?”

“If you can remember which one it is.”

“I’ll knock on every one of them.”

“You better.” God. Can he sound more pathetic?

Phil walks him to his room. Dan convinces himself it’s because his room is on the way to Phil’s, but he hopes for a more romantic explanation. Dan watches Phil as he walks down the hall, trying not to stare at him like the thirsty person he is, but he fails miserably. Phil, without looking back, disappears behind a door and Dan can’t help but feel a bit of sadness. He slides his card into the door and opens it; he half-expects Jimmy to be asleep, but what he finds instead is way more mortifying.


	8. Day 3 - At sea

**** About fifty emotions run through Dan, but it’s mainly embarrassment. He stares at Jimmy, who looks back with amusement on his face. He’s so clearly entertained by the delightful object he just found. “It’s cute,” he smiles as he lifts the book he found in Dan’s bedside table.

“Oh, fuck off. You should be glad I didn’t put my 10-inch dildo in there,” he says before he can think. It’s such an awkward thing to say and it does make him blush.

But Jimmy, well, Jimmy just smiles fondly. “You should’ve said, we could’ve shared that last night.”

Dan’s cheek goes from pink to crimson. He takes his shoes off, grabs the book from Jimmy and while hugging it to his chest, he falls face-first into the pillows. “You’re the worst.”

“I didn’t know you were such a sap. I read the first chapter before you came in, it’s dripping with romance.”

Dan turns his head to the side, looking at Jimmy puzzled. People just don’t appreciate it. Romance novels are mainly for women written by women, but why is that wrong? Why is that looked down on? There aren’t many gay romance novels, if there are, they’re all porn. He knows, he’s read some of them, but it’s just not for him. They all lack that oomph, that happiness and love that Crowley’s books give him.

“Yeah, well, I am a sap. I like being transported into a world where everything is good and love exists. As you can see, I can’t find love in real life so let me have this one thing.”

“Speaking of, how was your lunch with Phil?” Jimmy smiles wickedly.

Dan blushes once again. “The food was good. I had this really delicious…”

“I’m not talking about your fucking food.”

“I know.”

There’s silence for a couple of seconds before they burst out in laughter. It’s easy to joke with Jimmy, it feels natural. The shared experience they have brought them close in a matter of minutes but Dan doesn’t mind. He has Louise, sure, but it’s never like it is with Jimmy. They can mess around and banter and Dan really likes that. Everything is so easy with him and Jimmy makes him forget that Patrick is still on the ship.

“He’s a good guy,” Jimmy says softly.

“Why were you in my drawer?” Dan asks, so desperately wanting to change the subject.

“I thought we established that I was looking for your dildo.” Jimmy winks at him.

“You wanted to use it all by yourself?” Dan fake gasps. “I thought we were going to share.”

“Idiot.”

Dan keeps hugging the book, the precious book he was so looking forward to reading. While Jimmy plays on his phone, Dan ponders. He likes romance novels because it puts something unattainable within his reach. He wants that love, the one that makes you feel floating ten feet above the ground, where everything is in a pink haze. He knows it’s an idealistic, high romanticised view and love like that might not really exist. He knows that. There are bumps and lumps, hills and valleys in every relationship. But he so desperately wants that as well, the whole package. 

There’s a knock on his door. He shoves the book underneath his pillow as he gets up to open it. This time he hasn’t forgotten about the pictures and he expects the representative. Instead, when he opens it to see Phil, he’s utterly surprised.

“I know why you were so familiar,” Phil says instead of ‘hello’ as he casually walks into Dan’s suite. Truth be told, Dan quite likes that. “I swiped right on you on Tinder.”

Dan blinks. So that feeling he had was real, they did have a moment. However, despite almost bursting with excitement, all he says is, “Oh.”

“So should I get the confetti now or no?” Jimmy says nonchalantly, without even looking up from his phone.

“I’m still heartbroken here, mate.” Dan lies back on the bed, hiding his embarrassment. “I thought you’d be too.”

There’s a dip in the bed as Phil lies next to Dan who ends up in the middle again. This time, he’s pressed against Jimmy on one side and Phil on the other, who casually throws an arm around Dan’s torso. Dan isn’t sure if he appreciates the lack of boundaries or no. On one hand, it feels amazing to be cocooned between them, but on the other, he doesn’t know them. Sure, sharing a bed with Jimmy is fine because they’re both heartbroken and need each other and Phil saw him through a panic attack, so the boundaries got blurred, but is this okay?

He knows what Louise would say. She’d say he thinks too much, spends too much time in his own head. This isn’t anything, just support from friends. This is just cuddling in bed with two other men. 

“I am, trust me,” Jimmy says with a yawn. “I’ll be over it in a day, Patrick doesn’t deserve more of my time. And honestly, you should be feeling the same.” He looks at Dan and Phil. “And that doesn’t stop me from setting you two up.”

Phil stifles a laugh, Dan can feel. “You can fuck right off,” Dan says to Jimmy. “You know this is my bed, right? I’m allowed to kick you out at any point.”

“I’ve earned this spot, see Jim?” Phil teases.

“Oh, you’re on fucking thin ice, too, mate.” It’s easy to banter with the two, Dan realises. He’s never really had anything like this. “You’re both just hogging my bed. I want it back now, thank you very much.”

“So anyway, what are we doing now?” Jimmy asks to change the topic.

“Getting kicked out, apparently,” Phil says with a quiet laugh.

Jimmy stretches and in the process, he presses Dan against Phil. Dan’s cheeks heat up. Okay, so what? He does seem to have a silly crush on Phil, but it’s nothing, he reckons. Dan fancies him, but he’s also fancied the porter who brought him up to his room and most of his Uber drivers.

But it’s different with Phil, Dan can feel that. All he wants to see is Phil’s smile, his eyes on him. He’s a very special man. It feels absolutely ridiculous, but it makes Dan feel like he was just found. Like he was lost in a forest, lost in a sea and someone just found him. It feels like relief, joy, excitement, hope, all bundled up in one.

“Shopping,” Dan says quietly because he doesn’t want to burst the bubble between him and Phil.

Jimmy groans. “I don’t want to run into Patrick. He’s gonna be off this bloody ship tomorrow then we can do whatever we want.”

Dan is definitely liking that ‘we’. He thought he’d be alone on this massive ship for two weeks, only leaving his room for food and excursions. But instead, he found not one but two people he genuinely enjoys spending time with.

“Can we still go to dinner though? The three of us, I mean,” Phil says, asking the most important question.

Jimmy turns his head towards Phil (and the still squished Dan against Phil’s chest) as he raises an eyebrow. “Not me, but you feel free to have a date night.”

Dan rolls his eyes; he’s starting to get fed up with Jimmy trying to set him up. He doesn’t why now and why here or even why he’s getting angry. It’s a confusing time to be Daniel Howell. 

“Balcony, now,” he says to Jimmy.

Jimmy, with a sigh, leaves the bed and walks to the balcony, still barefoot and in jammies. Dan follows him, dead set on telling him to stop. He closes the door behind them then stares at Jimmy, arms crossed. “What?”

“You know what, Jimmy. Don’t play the innocent.”

“I’m just trying to make you happy!” Jimmy says as he points towards Dan’s room. The bed. Phil. “You should give him a chance, he’s a nice guy. I think you’d be cute together.”

“But I’m still not…”

Jimmy puts his hands on Dan’s shoulder. “Don’t hide behind Patrick. Don’t let him cockblock you.”

“Jimmy!”

“What? It’s true. You’re still letting him get into your head. This has to stop.”

“I thought you said that I get a day.”

“You’ve had months. It’s time to let him go and open your heart to someone else.”

Dan slightly shakes his head, but he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t want to make Jimmy happy by looking at Phil, so he looks towards the ocean. The rain has stopped for now and in the distance, the grey clouds are giving way to the blueness of the sky. They must be somewhere off the coast of Portugal. At that moment, he feels the same distance between Jimmy and himself.

It’s not that he isn’t right. Rationally, Dan knows it really is time to stop letting Patrick play mind games with him. But, he thinks, his heart still needs to heal. Seeing Patrick opened up some wounds, some are just superficial, but there are others that run deep. He knows how much better his life would be, but it’s not easy to let go. He appreciates Jimmy’s help, he really does, but Phil doesn’t deserve to be a rebound.

“Yeah, I don’t know,” Dan says. “Can you just stop forcing it though? If it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen.”

Jimmy nods. “Alright, but I bet it would work out.”

“Let’s go inside, I’m starting to get cold.”

He would give anything to change the topic. It’s really surprising how quickly they became friends, but Jimmy isn’t afraid of speaking his mind. Or maybe it’s Dan, being cooped up on a giant ship doesn’t really do anything good to his mental health. Either way, friendship might’ve come easily, but in the end, they’re just different people brought together by their shared life experiences. He appreciates Jimmy’s concern though, but right now, things are a bit shaky, uneven. So he’s really looking forward to Spain tomorrow and being on solid ground, maybe that’ll bring some sort of clarity.

Back in the room, Phil is still on the bed, smiling at them as they enter. “All good?”

“If I had known,” Jimmy grins as he jumps back into Dan’s bed, not even leaving room for him, “that our Dan is such a drama queen…”

“Oi, don’t finish that.” Dan sits on the sofa, putting his feet on the edge of the bed. “I can and will kick you out of the bed. I thought we agreed on this.”

Jimmy is about to reply when there’s a knock. It’s not urgent and violent, but fear appears in Dan’s mind again. He can’t help but feel the threat, even if it’s masked by the temporary laughter and banter. Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better, he decides.

“Hello?” he calls out through the closed door.

“Mr Howell?” a woman says. “This is Luísa Lopes from Blue Seas Cruises. May I come in?”

The tension eases in Dan’s shoulders. It’s not completely gone, he can still feel it between his shoulder blades, but for now, he’s safe.

Dan opens the door, letting her in. “Hi, sorry for the wait.” He grabs his phone off of the bedside table. “I uh… got distracted at times,” Dan says as an excuse. “Everything here is so good, I sometimes eat half of the food by the time I remember to take pictures of it.” He needs to shut up. He’s rambling and making everything worse.

“That’s fine!” she says with a radiant smile. She takes a look at Phil and Jimmy and it’s clear as day that she has questions, but she’s determined to stay professional. “If you plugged your phone in, that’d be great.” She puts a laptop on the side table and holds out a cable towards Dan. “Anything and everything would help.”

In the next minutes, Dan copies a couple of pictures he deems adequate. Some are of the view, some of the food. He definitely needs to take more, though, not just for the cruise line, but for himself as well.

“I hope this is okay for now,” he says.

“Absolutely! I’ll be back tomorrow night, I’m sure you will have nice pictures of Málaga!”

She takes one last look at Jimmy and Phil before leaving. The exact second the door shuts, Jimmy starts laughing.

“You’re the worst liar, mate.”

“That’s it, you’re sleeping on the sofa.”

Jimmy throws a pillow at him, making Dan laugh. Dan aims to throw it back at him, but it ends up almost knocking the lamp off. They both start laughing even louder at that.

“I think I’m gonna go,” Phil says quietly, already getting out of Dan’s bed.

“What? No! Stay, please,” Dan says quickly, maybe too quickly. He rushes to Phil, but at the last minute, he remembers to maintain some distance. He needs to keep Phil close for whatever reason. It’s what his mind wants. It’s what his heart desires. Everything is a little better with Phil in it. “We can skip dinner and order room service and watch films here.”

“Ooh, we can cuddle!” Jimmy says.

Dan can’t help but notice Phil’s sad smile. “No, that’s fine, I think it’s best if I leave you two alone.”

An eerie silence falls on the room. The wind outside is still howling, the distant murmur of the engines is still there, but the air around the three of them stills.

Dan turns towards Jimmy. “Why don’t you have a shower, mate? You stink.”

Jimmy furrows his brows for a second, then the lines disappear. He lifts his top and smells under it, immediately scrunching his nose. “Yeah, fair call.”

He immediately leaves, taking his phone with him. The music starts blasting within a second of him closing the bathroom door.

“Phil?” Dan looks at him. “Sit, please.”

And thankfully he does. He sits on the sofa and on a whim, Dan sits next to him. Their knees are touching, barely, but they definitely are. Phil’s black quiff fell apart, he’s got a bit of bed hair, but it still looks good. He looks good no matter what, and it’s not even an exaggeration. Dan can’t deny that he’s handsome and despite his lankiness and his limbs that are too long for any human, he’s just divine. And Dan is really, really, really attracted to him. If it wasn’t for his stupid head and stupid heart, he’d be using his very awkward, nerdy and probably bad flirting techniques.

“I really should go,” Phil says, sounding small. “Before Jimmy gets back, I’m sure you two would like to be alone.”

“What are you on about?” Dan definitely feels lost.

Phil sighs and moves away from Dan. He doesn’t even look at him. Dan can’t help but feel a little hurt. “You’re flirting.” Dan just sits there, completely stunned. “Seriously, the sexual tension between you two is palpable.”

Dan laughs at that. “Oh, jeez, you spork. There’s no tension between me and Jimmy. Sexual or otherwise.”

Phil looks at him, and he has a peculiar look in his eyes. Hopeful. For the first time Dan reckons, they’re really looking at each other. And suddenly, Dan’s feeling the emotions he’s been repressing since his break up with Patrick. They’re not sad though. They are the emotions Dan didn’t let himself to feel because he thought he had deemed himself unworthy. But now, looking at Phil, everything is ready to come out. Burst out, even.

Dan doesn’t know why. The change seems sudden, too sudden even for his own life. He goes on dates with different people, sometimes even a couple of times a week. He’s the worst, really, he’s a hopeless romantic, after all. He wants that love, the one that’s all lit up with neon lights, the one that makes you the happiest. When he loves, he loves immensely and truly. His heart is deadset on things, completely devoted. It’s not that he falls in love every two seconds. They’re merely silly crushes. 

Even then, despite those feelings, the emotion he has in his heart right now is more than that. It’s not like the crushes and infatuations he gets. He can’t quite conceptualise it, but he knows it’s there. And by looking at Phil, Dan’s pretty he’s feeling the same. It’s not that Dan is suddenly in love with him. They met only a couple hours earlier. But Dan is now open to the probability of it happening. It being, well, anything. Everything.

He’s not over Patrick. Maybe he never will. It will always be such a huge part of his history. There are emotions that he needs to process, alone, in the darkness of his room. He just needs a good cry. He knows that the tidal waves, the aftershocks will hit later. He knows there will be another low point or two when he’ll feel overwhelmed by the (in)ability to let Patrick go. Rationally, Dan knows that what Patrick did to him was fucking horrible and he doesn’t deserve forgiveness. But he also knows that the consequences will happen, sooner rather than later.

Being used and manipulated by Patrick left a mark on him that will always stay there. Maybe even ten years from now, he’ll tense up when there’s a knock on the door or worry when he’ll run into him. He could spend his whole life as a nervous wreck and ruin it in the process. It’s as cliche as it gets, but he’s got only one life, right? He just needs to have the courage to exist.

“Right, so…” That’s all Phil says, dragging Dan back to reality. 

“Sorry.” Dan shakes his head, his curls bobbing. “Stay, please.”

Phil softly smiles and nods. “Alright. But it’s jammies night. We’re staying here and watching films.”

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

They chat about small things while Jimmy finishes his shower. It turns out they live about ten minutes from each other in Islington and they both go to the same coffee shop. It’s a small world, Dan thinks, as Phil explains the Pizza Incident he had at Gino’s Pizzeria.

Jimmy comes out, hair dripping wet. “What we doin’?”

“Pyjama night with romcoms,” Dan says nonchalantly.

“Sounds great.” Jimmy runs the towel through his hair

“I’ll go get my stuff.” Phil stands up and turns towards Dan. “Wait for me?”

“Always.”


	9. Day 4 - Málaga

The evening of films turns into a night of films. By the time they realise, it’s two am and they’re on their fifth flick. There are a lot of tears, both happy and sad as they go through Dan’s list of favourite romcoms. They order room service twice, keeping them full and content before they go to sleep.

There are no questions about their sleeping arrangements. Dan’s in the middle again, Jimmy on one side, Phil on the other. It’s a tight fit, but it keeps him safe and warm, both physically and mentally.

He’s excited for Spain. He can’t wait to see the sights of Málaga, but it’s more than that. It not only means that he’ll be standing on solid ground, but maybe, just maybe, Patrick will be out of his life, for good, hopefully. Tomorrow will be better.

He wakes up to snickering. He feels an arm around his torso and as he stirs, someone pulls him closer. After blinking and adjusting to the light, he sees a face too close to his own. He sees a not so straight, but adorable nose, puffy and pink lips, a loose eyelash on the cheek. Phil’s black quiff fell apart and it’s covering his forehead. There’s a loose strand is near his eyes. Dan resists the urge to reach out and push the pseudo-fringe away. He doesn’t want to disturb Phil’s dreams.

“Having fun?” Jimmy’s whisper is still loud in the room. So he was the snickering bastard.

Dan slightly lifts his head; Jimmy’s sitting on the sofa. His face is illuminated by the blueness of his phone. 

“What time is it?” Dan asks, still not leaving the bubble he’s in with Phil, despite the fact he should, he definitely should.

“Half eight. We’re in Málaga.”

Which means Dan should get out of bed and should go exploring. But it’s too nice here and he’s worried that if he left, nothing would be the same. That this is a one time deal, that life is just playing a trick with him, that Phil will go back to his own room.

“Mmm, yeah.” 

After a minute of enjoying the cuddle, he decides it really is time to wake up and go out. As tired as he is, he’s actually really excited to see Spain. Dan gently lifts Phil’s arm, trying not to wake him up, but he fails. Phil, still a bit somewhere in dreamland, furrows his brows and looks at Dan. “Morning.” A soft and sleepy smile spreads across his lips. He doesn’t seem to be bothered by the fact that Dan is that close. “Still tired,” he mumbles, on the verge of falling asleep again.

“Oi, don’t you dare,” Jimmy says. There’s some shuffling, then bright sunlight fills the room. “It looks hot as fuck.”

Dan rolls over in bed, sitting up in bed. He’s sad to be leaving the cocoon, but it’s something he has to do. “Finally I can wear my short shorts,” he says deadpan as he stretches. “They go really well with my fanny pack.” The room is quiet. He opens his eyes only to see Phil and Jimmy staring at him. “I’m kidding, Jesus!”

“I don’t know, I’d love to see you in short shorts,” Phil says quietly, still looking intently at him. 

Dan can’t even think, let alone say anything. Thankfully, Jimmy speaks. “Oh my god, you two, just get a room finally.”

Now, Dan could give him shit after the talk they had yesterday. But instead, he decides to make a joke. “You’re still hogging my room, so it won’t happen in the near future.”

“Joke’s on you, ‘rick the dick will be off this bloody ship hopefully soon so I get to go back to my room.” 

Dan nods. He really wants to forget and have fun. “Come on lads, let’s explore Málaga.”

Instead of having breakfast on the ship, they decide to take the shuttle bus to the city centre and find a cafe there. As it turns out, both Dan and Phil are hopeless when it comes to things like that, but Jimmy did actually read the info about the excursions and he seems to know what he’s doing. So after getting dressed and swiping their card at the desk, they make their way to the down the gangway, right to the buses.

It’s already hot, their weak, British bodies not used to Spanish temperatures. Maybe Dan will end up buying lighter clothes. The bus is air-conditioned and it’s a relief. They sit in the back like the cool kids, taking in the sights of Spain through the tinted windows.

The sea and sandy beach give way to concrete and tall buildings. There are palm trees lining the streets. Dan’s already in love. He loves the excitement, he loves being immersed in another culture, although he could only do that through films and Google Maps. He already loves Spain. Some of the buildings are off-white, dirtied by the seawater, but Dan even loves that. Locals and tourists alike are walking down the street, using newspapers, leaflets or pieces of papers to fan themselves. They’re seeking shade under awnings, inside shops and restaurants. 

Dan wonders what it’d be like living abroad. He’s always wanted to do that, but he knows he’ll never have the money or the courage. As the bus takes them through the Spanish streets, Dan keeps looking up, at the flats and houses. He reckons he could have a life here. Or if not in Málaga specifically, somewhere far from everyone he knows.

After a short ride, they find themselves in the city centre. They go through narrow, cobbled streets filled with life. The bus drops them off near a pedestrian zone, near the Cathedral, according to the map on Jimmy’s phone. Despite the fact that it’s mid-morning only and that it’s getting warmer and warmer by the minute, it’s crowded. The streets and alleys are filled with restaurants, shops, people chatting.

Dan takes a bit to admire the Cathedral. Even his giant self dwarves next to the monument. He’s about to grab his phone to take some photos or maybe to take in the intricate details of the facade, when Phil grabs his wrist, pulling him along.

“We can do that later. Let’s get breakfast,” he says, dragging Dan towards some cafes.

They find the quirkiest one and sit outside after ordering a typical Spanish breakfast of blueberry muffins and iced lattes. The three of them watch the mix of locals setting up shop, enticing tourists with overpriced, but generally worthless souvenirs and foreigners enjoying the street musicians playing Spanish rhythms and the makeshift bazaar happening all around the Cathedral.

“I’m boiling,” Jimmy groans when they’re finished with their food. “Why did we think coming to Spain in July was a good idea?”

“To get away from reality?” Dan offers.

“Change of scenery?” Phil adds.

“But Spain, July, heat.” Jimmy points at a couple of tourists, wearing matching outfits consisting of white, thin tank tops, white, ultra-short shorts and straw hats. Dan has to admit that it looks good on the women of the group, but the men just can’t pull it off. “They’ve got the right idea.”

“What, burning to crisp?” Phil furrows his brows. “I’m sitting in under trees and a sunshade and I have SPF 50 on but I’ll look like a lobster in about four seconds.”

“But a cute lobster,” Dan says with a smile before his mind has time to catch up. Jimmy rolls his eyes, but Phil blushes and mumbles something that resembles ‘thanks’. To change the topic, Dan quickly continues. “What are we doing now?”

He really needs to take more pictures. One of these days he’s really going to get kicked off of the ship for not doing what he’s supposed to. So he snaps a couple of photos of the square and the Cathedral itself while Jimmy lists their options.

“Well, we’ve got the Picasso Museum, which would we very cool, the Roman Theatre, the Arabic Baths, and the Alcazaba, whatever that is.”

“Can we go inside the Cathedral? Dan asks.

He’s definitely not a god-fearing man, but there’s something about temples, churches and whatnots. He just admires their architecture, how pretty and grand they are. So he doesn’t want to miss it.

“Yeah, everything is super close anyway.” Jimmy keeps scrolling on his phone. 

They just sit there for a couple of minutes as Jimmy and Phil update their loved ones or check their social media. Dan could turn on his data, but he’s not tempted yet. It’s actually really nice to get away from it all and to switch off for a bit. So he just sits there and watches.

There’s an old lady, selling knitted throws and embroidered pillows. Even from a distance, Dan can see the delicate details on the fabric. He wonders if she’s been doing it all her life. A couple of tourists stop by her stall, chatting to her. Dan’s tempted to go and buy something, not because he needs it, but because it would mean more than a common souvenir he can buy in every shop.

Then he turns his attention to a young lad, about the age of his brother, tuning his guitar. He thinks about Adrian and wondering if he should message him, but then he realises he’s probably busy with his hike through Scotland.

A young girl is feeding some pigeons in the shade. When she’s out of crumbs, she runs back to her mother who gives her some more. There’s a toddler watching her, clapping when the pigeons fly away as a dog scares them.

Dan loves people watching, trying to imagine who they are, what their lives might look like. He especially loves it now, in a foreign country, in a city so unfamiliar. 

“You okay?” Phil asks Dan quietly, dragging him down back to Earth.

“Yeah, why?”

“You’re quiet. I don’t know, I guess it’s been a weird couple of days.” He shrugs. “I just want to make sure I’m not barging in on you and Jimmy.”

“Phil,” Dan reaches out, putting a hand on Phil’s thigh. It’s a daring move, but Phil doesn’t move away. “I thought we were over this.”

“We are, it’s not that, I promise you. I feel like I’m… hogging your friendship because I’m the sad, loser nerd who can’t find anyone else.”

“We’re all sad, loser nerds.” Dan laughs softly and it makes Phil laugh as well. “I’m glad you’re here with us.” He hesitates for a second, before adding, “With me.”

“Alright, slow-burn lovebirds, ready to go?” Jimmy asks. This time, Dan doesn’t tell him to knock it off.

They don’t make it to any of the places Jimmy listed. Firstly, they get distracted by shiny knick-knacks, then Phil is determined to have his fortune told. It ends horribly, to say the least, the old lady telling that he will return home to his wife and live a happy, long life running his own farm. Either that or things just got lost in translation.

“But I don’t want to settle down with a nice girl…” Phil tells them as he turns the lucky coin he got from the old hag.

But after that, they end up getting ice creams. They’re definitely feeling the effects of the Spanish sun, so instead of being outside, they decide to check out the interior of the Cathedral.

While they finish their ice creams, the three of them walk around the building. It’s a stunning piece of architecture, nestled into the centre of Málaga. By the main entrance, there’s a small garden, with low shrubbery that’s sort of shaped like a maze, with the occasional rose bush here and there. Tourists are everywhere, from all corners of the world, taking pictures of the Cathedral. Dan, Phil and Jimmy fit right in, as they snap pictures of the facade. Dan takes the longest, trying to get the perfect angle to take the perfect shot.

They also buy some postcards and knick-knacks from vendors. Jimmy also gets a keychain, while Phil buys a magnet. Dan ends up getting a small, stuffed teddy with a pink bow for Darcy. He needs to budget with his money, otherwise, he’ll blow it before they get to Corfu.

He listens to Jimmy and Phil catch up, talking about their jobs and lives. He’s curious to find out more about Phil, but eavesdropping isn’t the way, he realises. So instead, he focuses his hearing on a street musician and turns his data on. Louise would murder him if he didn’t message her.

Notifications flood his phone, from Twitter to mail, from text to Facebook. He uploads a photo and a video of the street musician to his Instagram story and is about to message Louise when he gets a message from her.

**Louise  
**I see you have time to update your ig, but not message me :(

 **Dan  
**i was just about to :( you okay Lou?

 **Louise  
**Yeah, no one cares about me when you’re the one on a cruise. How’s it? Are you gonna forget about the rest of us now that you’re living the life of luxury?

Dan hesitates for a second before replying. If there’s one topic Louise should know about, it’s definitely the fact that his ex is on the same cruise.

**Dan  
** it’s good, or goodish, but patrick was on the cruise  
not anymore tho cause he came with his current ex bf and when the current ex realised how shit he really is he told him to leave  
so now i’m friends with the current ex aka jimmy and he’s the best

 **Louise  
**Wow, you okay hon? Talk about soap opera! Corrie’s nothing next to this.

As a reply, Dan takes an ugly selfie, making sure the Cathedral is visible in the background and send it to Louise.

**Dan  
**yeah all’s good. currently in malaga and i made another friend and he’s hot

He hits send before he realises what he wrote. It is the truth, but still.

“We’re going inside, Dan,” said hot friend says, applying yet another layer of sunscreen. “You coming?”

“Just how white are you, Phil?”

“Hella white,” he grins at Dan and it makes Dan’s heart beat faster.

**Louise  
** !!!  
I expect you to shag him by the time this cruise ends.

 **Dan  
** lou!!  
but we’ll see ;)  
we’re going inside the cathedral ttyl <3

The three of them stand in line, behind a group of German tourists. After paying the admission fees, Dan’s greeted by even more magnificence. The imposing ceiling height simply floors him, making him feel insignificant. Dan’s not a small man, but he’s nothing next to the pillars holding the domed ceiling. He’s glad Phil’s walking next to him and Jimmy in front of them both, because Dan is craning his neck, looking at the pattern of the ceiling, the stained glass and the craftsmanship of the capitals, so getting lost is not on his agenda.

“It’s gorgeous,” Dan whispers; even that seems too loud. There’s a melody coming from somewhere, a hymn, although it’s distant, so he’s not really sure if it’s his mind supplying the soundtrack. “Reminds me of the church my grandma used to drag me to.”

Phil runs his hand on the edge of a pew. “I wonder how many people have touched it.” Both Dan and Jimmy turn to him. “In a good way! Like, how old are these? They might’ve had butts on them centuries ago.”

Jimmy sighs. Before he walks away, leaving Dan to deal with Phil, he says. “You just had to ruin it.”

“Phil!” Dan whines.

There’s a smile lurking behind Dan’s annoyance, a smile that he can’t really hide after a few seconds of looking at Phil.

“It made you smile.”

Dan’s blinks slowly, taking his time to quieten his racing heart. “It did.”

He then leaves Phil to his own devices, and walks past several groups of tourists in mismatched clothes with colourful baseball caps on, past Jimmy taking pictures of the interior, towards the apse. It’s mainly closed off, but everything is still visible.

At the front, there are several people sitting on the pews, with rosaries and Bibles in their hands, clutching them and silently praying. Dan wonders, if he was religious, if he believed in God, would he be sitting next to them right now? Would he look at this place differently? Málaga Cathedral is a nice piece of architecture for him, but at the end of the day, in his cabin, he won’t be thinking about Jesus on the cross or the candles lit or even the age of the pews. It’s an experience for him, but it lacks anything sentimental. Is he thinking too much into it? Maybe. Probably. But that’s just who he is.

He can almost feel his phone burning in his pocket, imagining it’s Louise telling him to get out of his own head, that he should just enjoy his vacation. Now is really not the time for an existential crisis. 

A shoulder presses against his own. Phil stands too close, but neither of them moves. Dan doesn’t mind either.

And in that very second, he can’t help but quietly wonder what it’s like to love someone who loves you back equally. He’s never had that special, romantic bond with anyone. He always loves his partner more. That was the cause of more than one of his breakups. That and his inability to see the bad in people. He’s a romantic, the most hopeless of them all.

It’s maybe the setting, it’s maybe the guy next to him who’s quirky and unique and tells inappropriate jokes inside of a religious establishment, but he wonders. The old lady sitting in the very first row, looking at the altar with so much admiration, worships something because she believes in it. The man a row behind her, with tears on his face as he’s asking for reassurance, from help from the God he knows, worships something because he believes in it. He can see their love as they look up, asking for a blessing because they love their God and as far as they’re concerned, He loves them back. Unconditionally, without any resentment or question. The old lady, the crying man, they both have that connection. Sure, it’s not romantic, but love is love, isn’t it? 

After everything, after all the breakups, heartbreak and even abuse (because it was that, as much as it’s hurting Dan, he has to admit), he still believes in love. He still believes that one day he’ll be able to love someone who loves him back just as much. He believes that one day he can worship someone because he loves them and believes in them. So that must count for something, right?


	10. Day 4 - Málaga

Dan, Phil and Jimmy take plenty of pictures, then wander into the Cathedral’s souvenir shop, where they buy overpriced postcards, magnets and other treasures. Sure, they’ve already bought some, but who can say no to a postcard with the same angle just by a different photographer. Then they leave the coolness behind and walk outside, into the Spanish heat.

The pedestrianised area continues to be bustling with life. Various street musicians battle for the best spots, as tourists try to get a bench in the shade. Life never seems to stop and Dan loves that. 

He’s excited. Not just because he’s on the holiday of his dreams and not just because he’s got nice people with him. He likes seeing a different culture without the filter of a screen. He’s actually immersed in it. He loves it. He almost takes Phil’s and Jimmy’s hand and drags them to the musicians so they can dance the day away.

But after being outside for more than five minutes, especially in the heat and in the Sun, he feels… Lazy. In a good way, of course. He feels completely at peace, at ease, like everything in his body can relax.

He’s about to suggest that they should find an ice cream parlour when Jimmy grins at them.

“Tell you what boys,” he says, with his usual puppy-like excitement. “We’re too used to having stuff at our disposal, enjoying the luxuries of the cruise ship, right?” Dan doesn’t like where this is going, but he nods. “What if, as an exercise, we walked back?”

Dan and Phil stare at him and the outrageous idea he’s got. “No fucking way,” Dan says. 

“No, but imagine it.” He stands between them, putting his arms on both their shoulders. “We walk back, see more of the city, see the sea real close, maybe even dip our toes into the water. Then, when we get back to the ship, it’ll be early enough, because others will still be exploring Málaga so we can nick loungers by the pool.” Dan and Phil stay quiet. Jimmy just sighs as a resignation. “If we walk back, I’ll get you both iced lattes.”

“Why are we still here, then?” Phil grins, leaving them behind.

Jimmy laughs and turns to Dan, “If someone loves iced lattes, in my experience, they’re gay.”

“Well, you’re not wrong.”

The route they’re taking leads them through tiny streets and lanes, all with cobblestones and small shops. Dan watches a cat in a window and its owner as they’re trying to get the cat inside. Tourists walk past them, towards the Cathedral, showing off their newest memorabilia. There’s quiet, Spanish music coming from a flat and as Dan takes a look inside, he sees a couple dancing and laughing. They haven’t got the most magnificent scenery or a picturesque skyline of the city, but to Dan, this is so much better. He gets a look into the lives of others.

With Phil walking in front of them, Jimmy has the opportunity to talk to Dan. Unfortunately. “So?”

“So what?”

“What’s with you and Phil?”

Dan’s confused, understandably so. There’s no him and Phil. There’s Dan and there’s Phil. “Nothing. We’re friends; actually, not even that. Fate just put the three of us together, like some losers.” Jimmy makes an uh-huh sound that goes so very well with that knowing smirk on his face. “What?”

“This is coming from a place of love, but you’re so very blind, Dan. You’re blind when it comes to seeing fault in people and blind when it comes to uh… seeing opportunities.” Dan furrows his brows, but stays quiet, listening to Jimmy. “Phil didn’t have to stay to watch those films, now, did he? He didn’t have to stay in your room, he has a nice cabin without an ex-boyfriend and he didn’t need to share it with two other people. He certainly didn’t have to cuddle you.”

“You’re not…” Dan isn’t really sure what he wants to say.

“Either way, use him as a rebound, or have a fling with him on the ship or even after, but you know full well there’s something there. Stop denying yourself the chances.” Jimmy pauses for a second, before saying. “Phil’s a good guy. Like, actually good. He’s got a heart of gold and he’s just as much of a romantic idiot as you are. Trust me when I say that you’ve got something brewing.”

Jimmy leaves him, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He starts walking confidently in a direction and Dan doesn’t want to get lost, so he walks a bit faster until he catches up with Phil. Jimmy is now in front of them, almost lost in the crowd of tourists and locals.

“I’m starting to think the promise of lattes was a lie,” Phil says matter of factly.

“You might be onto something.”

“You know, I’m really good at Cluedo.”

Dan smiles at him. “Are you now?”

“And Scrabble. Using my linguistics degree for that and my uh…” Phil blinks fast before continuing,” job, so I think it was money well spent.”

“Where did you go?”

“York. My parents wanted me to go to Manchester, but I grew up there so I had to get out.”

“I went to Manchester.”

“What a small world.” Phil’s hand brushes against Dan’s. Dan blushes but Phil smiles at him. “What did you study?”

“Well, ‘study’ is a strong word. I was there to waste money, have ongoing crises, be drunk and make a fool of myself. But law, if we want to be precise. Don’t know how I managed to last a year.”

“I’m sure you weren’t that bad.”

They stop at a crossing. Dan uses that to take a picture of the palm trees lining the road. It’s not the best picture, but he can do something with it. 

“Failed an exam, didn’t start studying for my resit until two days before the exam, had an existential crisis. So I decided to have a gap year, but never went back.”

“You’re a smart guy, though,” Phil says and Dan can’t help but stare into those puppy eyes. Phil actually left his contacts in last night which means he’s wearing his glasses. And Dan can’t help but stare.

It seems ages, but Dan knows it isn’t. He sees the crinkles in the corners of Phil’s eyes, the way the Sun is reflecting on his glasses, the way the gentle breeze is blowing his quiff into his forehead. Phil’s fucking gorgeous.

Maybe Jimmy’s right. Maybe there might be something there. Maybe Dan’s just too preoccupied, maybe his head is too far up his own ass that he just can’t see it. He opens his mouth to say or maybe ask something, he doesn’t even know what exactly. 

Then the light turns green and the moment is gone.

Dan has to admit, the walk back to the ship is nice. It’s nice to stretch their legs outside the ship, exploring a city on foot. They don’t get their promised lattes, but they do get a lovely view of the marina. They walk past the shopping centre filled with tourists, dodging people carrying paper bags of clothes, souvenirs and other knick-knacks they don’t need. For a while, Dan entertains the idea of visiting one of the stores inside, mainly for the air conditioning, because he really needs some non-black clothes. But once he sees the swarms of people, he decides to buy some on the ship instead.

A while later, they’re back on Jimmy’s floor. Jimmy has his keycard in his hand as he stands in front of his cabin.

“You can crash at mine if you want,” Dan says softly. He’s feeling nervous, wondering if he’s about to meet Patrick yet again, but more importantly, he’s worried about Jimmy. He’s worried Patrick will do something to Jimmy, like he always does.

“No, that’s okay.” Jimmy smiles at Dan and Phil. “I need to face the music at some point. You’ll be my bodyguards, yeah?” He runs his fingers through his curls and chuckles.

After sliding the card into the slot, it opens with a beep and they walk in. The room is neat and clean; there’s absolutely no sign of Patrick or the fact he was ever there. Dan and Jimmy exhale simultaneously, seemingly for the first time in days. He’s gone, hopefully for good. Dan puts his hand on Jimmy’s upper arm and says, “You good?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “Thanks, lads.”

“Have a lie-down,” Phil suggests, “and then we can execute Operation Pool.”

Dan looks at him, cocking his head to the side. “We need to work on that name.” He tries to resist smiling, but he knows his dimples betray him. “But Phil’s right. I need to hide inside my room for a while. Too much outdoor activity for me.”

Jimmy squints his eyes, looking between the two of them. “Okay. I’ll get my stuff later, if that’s okay.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.”

“I’ll come and find you in a bit.”

Dan and Phil say goodbye to Jimmy and once they’re out of the room, they start walking towards the lift.

“So what now?” Dan asks Phil, hand hovering over the lift buttons.

“Well, I was promised a latte and my body demands it.”

Dan smiles and presses the button up to the Sun Deck. “Coffee it is, then.”

Only a few people are lurking on the deck; most of them still spending money on land or visiting the attractions of the city. Dan likes the quiet; there are always people around, a lot of them in fact, so he’ll enjoy it as long as he can. 

Maybe they should’ve stayed as well, see one of the things Jimmy has listed. But Dan makes a promise to himself. Years from now, when he’s well-off and living the best life he can, he’ll come back to each of the stops and spend more than a few hours.

Yeah, that sounds like a solid plan.

Mina’s familiar face is behind the bar. She has no customers to serve at the moment, so she spends her time tidying. But when she sees Dan, a grin appears on her face.

“If it isn’t my favourite customer.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Hardly.”

“I see you made some friends,” she asks Dan, all the while she’s looking at Phil with a smirk.

“And now this friend needs a coffee,” Phil says.

“Oh, honey, you don’t.” Mina shakes her head and starts preparing their drinks. Phil’s watching her confused. It only takes a second for Dan to realise she is, in fact, not making coffee. Or more precisely, not just coffee. “There you go,” she says, sliding over two martini glasses.

“I thought we’re getting coffees...” Phil mumbles.

“Well, there’s coffee in it,” Mina offers and takes Dan’s card to swipe.

“But it’s also like 1 pm, why am I day-drinking and why am I day-drinking an espresso martini?”

Dan can’t help but laugh. He loves how clueless and confused Phil is. Dan can’t resist: Phil looks so damn cute!

“You’re on a cruise, Phil,” Dan says. “You’re allowed to be day drinking. This is the height of luxury!”

Phil takes a sip of his drink then licks his lips. In Dan’s mind, cute changes to hot.

“True. Not sure what my mum would think, though.”

“Or your liver,” Mina says with a wink, before she walks to the other end of the bar to serve another customer.

“When I get home, I’m gonna eat sunshine for a week.”

“As a detox?” Dan chuckles. “I saw you inhaling a muffin at a hundred miles per hour, we both know you won’t, mate.”

“But I could.”

“I reckon you’re gonna go home, then order takeaway. Maybe even on your way home, so it gets there the exact second you get home.”

“Don’t call me out like that,” Phil says, his shame is clearly visible and takes a big sip of his drink. “You’ll do the same.”

“Yeah, except I’m gonna have no remorse.”

Dan tries his drink. It’s too coffee-y for his liking, but after a while, he doesn’t mind. It certainly has a kick to it.

“You know,” Phil’s voice is quiet and almost unsure. “I’m kind of glad we’re alone.”

Dan’s heart starts beating so fast, he’s worried it’ll jump out and run away. “You are?”

“Yeah. Don’t get me wrong, Jimmy’s a lovely guy, but he’s sad. He needs a good cry I think.”

“Oh.” Dan’s disappointed. Of course he is. He thought, Phil would say he enjoys Dan’s company now there’s only the two of them. “It’s been an eventful past couple of days.” He downs the rest of his Martini and asks Mina, who’s walking in front of them, to get a bottle of liquor, “Can I get another one, please?”

“Easy there, tiger,” Phil says, still enjoying his first glass.

“Actually, scratch that, sorry,” Dan tells Mina and turns towards Phil. “I’m gonna go back to my room for a bit, if that’s okay? Too much heat.”

“Sure, yeah, but Dan…”

Dan, however, doesn’t wait for the rest. He leaves Phil without saying bye and heads towards the lifts. Maybe it’s childish, maybe it’s overreacting, but he was fully expecting Phil to say something else. It’s stupid really, Dan’s already regretting it. He should turn around and apologise to Phil. But his heart is already hurt, so he can’t really let his pride to be damaged, too.

He goes back to his room. It’s nice and cool, so he undresses, leaving only his boxers on. He can handle his alcohol, but not when he downs it. After all, he only had a muffin and a half for breakfast and a rather watery ice cream. His head is feeling a bit dizzy, but he’s nowhere near tipsy. He flops down onto his neatly made bed and checks his phone.

Upon seeing his Insta story, a couple of his friends sent messages, but he ignores them. Ignores Louise’s demand to see more photos and his mum’s begging to let her know if he’s dead or alive. He ignores them all. Instead, he opens the Twitter app. Without looking at the updates, he goes to TJ Crowley’s Twitter. The last one was about the holiday. Nothing since then. Dan spends about five minutes rereading Crowley’s previous tweets, some of which make him chuckle. He’s so weird, I love him, Dan thinks as he reads one about a squirrel attacking his cherry tree.

So he picks up Crowley’s new book and starts reading. He actually reads the prologue and the first chapter and is getting properly into it when there’s a knock on his door. He thinks about not opening it, but his stomach grumbles. His mind is still with Sebastian Porter at his London photo studio. Also, he hears Phil’s faint, distant voice saying his name.

So he runs to the door. Metaphorically. He opens it and the man himself is standing there. Phil looks at Dan, who’s still naked. It makes both of them blush, although Phil can’t seem to stop checking Dan out.

“You know what? I’ll come back.”

“No, uh, just, shit. Give me two seconds.” Dan leaves the door ajar and turns to get dressed. He puts the same clothes on and hides his book in the drawer of the bedside table. He has no guilty pleasures, but he isn’t ready to share his favourite author with Phil just yet. Once fully dressed, he walks back to the door. Phil’s still there, gorgeous as ever. Be still my beating heart, Dan thinks. “What’s up?”

“You left in a hurry. I just wanted to check on you.”

Dan’s heart melts into a puddle. “Oh, that’s very considerate. Thanks.”

There’s a moment then, that’s soft and sweet. The world seems to stop existing around them, although Dan knows it’s not true. He keeps looking at Phil, who looks back at him with the same amount of intensity. Dan wants to… Do something. Maybe invite Phil in for a chat or ask if he liked Málaga. He also wants to stay quiet and not ruin the moment. 

But then, Jimmy appears with sunglasses nestled into his hair and a towel over his shoulder. “Ready for the pool?”

Dan nods, but he can’t take his eyes off of Phil. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

“We’ll go call dibs on some loungers.” He starts walking, expecting Phil to follow. Truthfully, that’s what Dan expects, too. “Phil?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there soon,” Phil says and with that, he pushes past Dan, straight into his room.

“Okay, well…” Jimmy winks at Dan and leaves.

Dan closes the door and follows Phil into the room, who is now sitting on the sofa. “You alright, mate?” 

“Why did you leave?”

“I-I told you,” Dan stutters. “It’s the heat. I never go outside and this heat, it’s so much for me.”

“Bullshit. If can’t handle the heat, you fly to Iceland.”

Dan furrows his brows. He doesn’t appreciate Phil using his own argument against him.

“The drink?”

“You had one.”

“Alright, fine!” Dan says, admitting defeat. He sits on the edge of his bed, pushing his shoes around with his feet, the perfect distraction for the moment. “I was expecting you to say something else.”

“Like what?”

Dan looks at Phil. There’s a knowing, smug smirk on his face. This man is playing games and apparently, he’s really good at it. And he’s clearly enjoying it. Didn’t Jimmy say that Phil was a ‘romantic idiot’ as well?

“Don’t act like you don’t know.”

“I don’t.”

“Oh, fuck off!” Dan stands and walks to his suitcase. Should he have unpacked? Is that what rich people do? Is that what people do when they go to hotels and cruises and stuff? He finds his boardshorts. “Do you mind? I wanna get changed.”

“Oh no, be my guest.” Phil leans back, crossing his arms in front of him, still smiling at Dan. The bloody bastard.

Dan gives up with a sigh and goes to his bathroom. It’s stupid, he thinks as he takes top off. First things first, he can’t make up his mind. He doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t know what he’s allowed to want. One minute, he’s still heartbroken and generally broken after the whole Patrick fiasco. The next, he flirts with Phil and hopes that Phil actually notices his flirting. 

Should he just say fuck it and give in? Should he have a little fling on board? Two more weeks, he could have a lot of sex, considering there are a lot of days on the open sea with nothing to do…

It’s not that he’s never had one night stands. He has, but he doesn’t like them. He wants to know the other person, but they just want to kick him out, of their beds, of their lives. He can’t do one night stands. He’d rather do an awful date.

“What were you expecting to hear, then?” Phil says on the other side of the door.

“What?” Dan’s got his swimming shorts on, but he’s still got his t-shirt on, so he’s more than ready to go but he doesn’t want to open the door.

“Dan.”

He takes a deep breath. He’s not sure if he appreciates Phil’s determination or not. “Fine,” Dan says to the closed door. It’s just easier that way. “I wanted you to say that you’re glad we’re alone because you want to be alone. With me, I mean.” He exhales the breath he was holding. He’s glad that Phil can’t see him. “I don’t know, maybe it’s just the fact that you were there when I had a really bad moment or the fact that you’re such a sweet guy, but my heart keeps giving my head reasons to think about you, and... yeah.”

“Dan, open the door please,” Phil says softly. Dan obliges, his heart beating in his throat, in his ears, in his hand on the handle. “You think about me?” 

“It’s stupid.”

“No, it’s not.” Phil’s gaze is… The only way Dan can describe it is perfect. A small, almost lazy smile, that reaches his eyes. His face is soft and young.

He’s never had this feeling, not really. He’s never liked anyone this much so early on. Including today, two days they had to get to know each other. And to Dan, that is quite enough. He knows there’s an undeniable, palpable moment then. A moment where he has to make a choice. They both do. And he knows what he wants to say and do.

But there’s a knock on his door, and as quickly as his attraction towards Phil came, the moment is gone. 

“Mr Howell, this is Ms Lopes.”

Dan smiles at Phil. Maybe this is for the best.

“I’ll see you upstairs,” Phil says as Dan opens the door.

Phil leaves and Dan looks at the woman. “I have great pictures.”

“Excellent!”

Once they’re done, Dan finds Phil and Jimmy on the Sun Deck, lounging by the pool. They saved him a chair and a nice, ice cold margarita. It’s a really nice afternoon, doing exactly nothing, just sunbathing, swimming occasionally and drinking cocktails. Dan tries his best not to think about Phil and the thoughts he’s been having about him.

They leave port early evening. The three of them bid adieu to their first stop and as they slowly pull away from Spain, head back downstairs to get changed, grab some dinner and enjoy a cabaret performance.

Dan and Phil don’t have the chance to be alone again that night. It’s for the best, Dan reckons, as he heads back to his room. Tonight, he’ll be sleeping on his own. It’s good and bad: he definitely enjoyed the warmth of others next to him, but he can’t wait to reclaim his own bed and starfish.

But, as he lies down, just before falling asleep, he thinks about Phil and the moment they had in that very room. And maybe, just maybe, the crush he has on that wonderful guy grows a little bit bigger.


	11. Day 5 - At sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for depression/bad head day

The second Dan wakes, he knows it’ll be one of those days. It’s not the worst he’s ever had, but he definitely feels off. There’s a low, dull buzzing; he’s not sure if it’s the constant background noise in his head that’s suddenly amplified or it’s the ship. He can’t describe the exact feeling. It’s like his brain, out of the blue, decided that it doesn’t want to cooperate and care about his existence. It’s like an out of body experience: his body and his soul (which it isn’t, since he doesn’t believe in souls, but that’s the closest thing he can use to describe it) are in separate jars, both filled with water and the lids are tightly screwed on.

He hates it. This isn’t supposed to happen. (He knows that’s a lie he keeps telling himself, but that’s a problem for another day.) He takes his meds, he goes to therapy, he does all the stuff his counsellor tells him. This isn’t supposed to happen. Definitely not on the cruise of his dreams.

Yet, he still struggles to lift his head, to reach for his phone. The colours are a bit faded, but they’re at least not monochrome. Over the years, he’s learnt the signs. This will be gone by tomorrow, everything will be sunshine and puppies.

One day, he can do one day. Usually, he’s at home, with a duvet cover that smells like his favourite fabric conditioner in a bedroom that has a nice wall art and a couple of succulents; they’re the things that make days like this a little bit more bearable. But right now, he’s in a room that feels too foreign, to sterile, to distant to provide immediate comfort. So on the cruise of his dreams, he closes his eyes and pictures his own bedroom.

Thankfully, he falls asleep. When he’s awake once more, things are still off. He knows he’ll feel the lingering effects of depression until he eventually kicks the bucket. There’s a weird static in his head, like he’s trying to find the correct radio station. It’s almost there, but not quite.

Dan lies there in the half-light, the blackout curtains only haphazardly closed. He doesn’t know how much time passes, but his mind stays empty. There are no thoughts left, no voice telling him it’s not worth it. He really is alone. The white noise is his only friend right now.

At some point, there’s a knock but he doesn’t answer. It happens again a while later. Then for the third time and this time, with voices.

“Dan, you in there?” Jimmy asks.

“We’ve been looking for you everywhere so this is the last place you might be,” Phil says with worry.

Dan’s heart beats just a little bit differently and the saturation is about two percent higher.

“Unless…”

“Jimmy, we’ve been through this. He’s fine, probably just exhausted.”

“Dan, are you okay?” Jimmy tries again.

Dan really wants to answer. They’ve been there for him and this cruise would be a lot lonelier without them. But he has no energy to open his mouth, let alone form words. They’re talking about him like an outsider, like a person observing everything from afar. And right now, he is.

“This is a big ship, we might’ve missed him.”

“Or he’s avoiding us.”

“Jimmy!”

“Alright, fine. We’ll try again in a couple of hours.”

After that, it’s back to quiet. He forces himself to go to the toilet once it gets unbearable. The cool water feels nice against the back of his hands, so he keeps forcing himself. He washes his face, just water, nothing else. He lets it air dry as he drags himself back to bed.

That did make him feel better. He’s no longer feeling that faded, just extremely tired. The past couple of days have taken their toll on him. Yesterday, their excursion in Málaga was physically exhausting, after enjoying the amenities of the cruise ship for almost three days. Before that, the emotions. All the fucking emotions. So it’s ought to come out. Better now than on one of their shore days.

At some point, the room starts getting darker and darker. Kids’ chatters and giggles turn into adult laughter.

Then the knock returns, somehow gentler this time.

“Dan? It’s Phil. I’m starting to get worried, are you in there?”

It takes about half of what’s left of Dan’s energy to say, “Yeah.”

“Oh, thank gosh.” Phil pauses, waiting for Dan to continue. When it doesn’t come, he does. “Are you alright?”

“Fine.”

“Are you mad at us?”

“No.”

“Can you let me in? I want to make sure you’re okay.”

Walking to the door requires more energy Dan currently has. But at the same time, he wants (needs) the closeness of another person. He stays put until Phil says his name again.

“Coming,” Dan answer eventually. He doesn’t care he’s in boxers, he doesn’t care that Phil will see him like that. He’s beyond that. Future Dan can worry about that. Current Dan has only one plan: open the door, let Phil in, then go back to bed.

So he does that. Bright light floods the room as Phil walks in, but Dan’s already on his way to bed. He curls up under his duvet, with his back towards Phil. He doesn’t know how much time passes between his return to bed and Phil closing the door softly. Phil doesn’t turn on any lights which Dan appreciates.

“You okay?” To that, Dan makes a sound that vaguely sounds like ‘yes’. “Want to talk?” This time Dan stays quiet. Some time passes and eventually, Phil says. “Well, glad you’re fine. I’ll go now.”

“Stay.” It’s a simple question, but it’s what Dan wants. What he needs. “Bed.”

The bed soon dips next to Dan. He can just about make out the delicate features of Phil, but then he scoots closer to him, trying to hide his worries, his depression, everything negative in Phil’s chest.

“Oh, Dan.” Phil puts his hand on Dan’s back, holding him, no,  _ hugging  _ him. “I was worried about you.” Dan doesn’t reply, but deep in his heart, he appreciates every second of Phil. “Is talking okay? I can stay quiet.”

“Talk.”

“We’ve looked everywhere. At first, we thought you were hangover because we knocked but got no reply. Then we knocked hours later, still nothing so we started wandering around the ship, but nothing. We even asked a worker about your card, but he said no private info can be released. Jimmy almost decked him,” Phil chuckles quietly and suddenly that’s Dan’s favourite sound. “We thought, well, Jimmy did that Patrick is still on the ship and he found you. Then there was the case of you fell into the sea, but we stopped talking about that.” His arms involuntarily tighten around Dan. “I’m glad you’re safe.” Phil pauses for a bit, then continues, even quieter. “Have you eaten anything?”

“No.”

“Are you hungry? I can go get something.”

“No.” The last thing he wants is Phil to leave, even for a minute. Here is good. 

There is nothing left to be said after that. They stay like that for God knows how long, maybe an eternity, maybe minutes but that’s exactly what Dan needs. Just before he falls asleep, he feels something though in his heart. Hope.

Hope that is triggered by a simple act of kindness. Even if it isn’t real, even if it is only something his fucked up brain came up with, it feels really nice. Just before he falls asleep, he thinks he can feel soft lips against his forehead, kissing him goodnight.


	12. Day 6 - At sea

There’s a warm body next to Dan’s when he wakes. A warm body that’s soundly asleep. A warm body hugging him, cuddling him. A warm body that chased his demons away. A warm body that belongs to Phil.

Dan can’t even begin to describe how nice it feels to wake up next to someone after such an awful day. When he was with Patrick, he was never there for him. None of his significant others were. No one has ever been there for him, helping him through a difficult day when life got too much. But Phil is still here. He’s known him for what? 4 days at best, yet he’s done more for him than anyone in his adult life.

Patrick, in the end, has given him nothing but heartbreak after heartbreak. Disappeared when Dan needed him the most, when he had dark days. Phil, on the other hand, has seen Dan in his lowest moments, yet chose to stay. Phil is literally the Sun, parting the dark grey clouds surrounding Dan. 

Now that Dan is feeling better, not completely perfect but at least he’s not feeling out of place and faded, he’s extremely grateful. Almost without words, Phil knew what he needed. As Dan watches his sleeping face and the small, almost invisible smile on his lips, he knows his gratitude is there, but also something else. Something he wasn’t expecting to feel, something Jimmy kept talking about.

He also knows he thinks a lot about it - too much, in fact. He’s overthinking it and he knows it’ll be the end of him. He already spends too much time in his head. It’s not that he doesn’t want to think about it because he does. It’s just... he doesn’t want to think about it negatively. He doesn’t want to ruin it, doesn’t want to taint it. He wants to go with the flow and open his heart. As cheesy as it is.

“Stop looking at me,” Phil mumbles and scoots closer to Dan, his body properly pressing against him. “‘m trying to sleep.”

“Sorry.” Dan bites back his smile. 

They’re quiet for a bit and Dan’s beginning to think Phil fell asleep again. But Phil lets out a loud groan. “I was fine.”

“Phil?”

“This bloody seasickness. It’s back, I was fine up until now.”

“Oh.” Dan doesn’t move, even though the danger of being puked on is nigh. “Do you have any medication or anything?”

“Yeah, in my room, but it’s fine. I just need a minute.” So they do exactly that. Phil’s still hugging Dan like his life depends on it and Dan lets him, his hands on Phil’s lower arm. It’s a perfect coexistence. It feels nice and it’s definitely what both of them need in that very second. Sure, Dan’s hungry, he hasn’t had food or water for at least a day, but this is healing his mind. “What happened yesterday, Dan?” Phil asks eventually, his voice low and soft.

There’s no reason to hide it. For so long, Dan tried to do exactly that. It left him in a place where he had to constantly watch what he was saying. So he won’t hide it, not from Phil. “I uh… I have depression. Cruise or not, vacation or not, bad days are still bad. Yesterday was one of them.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Dan smiles even though he knows Phil can’t see it. “I’m happy you’re here, you helped a lot.”

“We were worried about you.” Phil takes a deep breath before continuing. “No, screw that. I was. I mean Jimmy too, but I was worried sick that something happened to you. I… It’s stupid, I know.”

Somehow, Dan manages to get closer to Phil. He’s still only wearing boxers and even though Phil’s fully clothed, his t-shirt only covers half of his torso. Their tummies are touching, skin on skin and it feels intimate. Good. 

“I like hanging out with you. Even when I’m out of it. I just hate it that you had to see me like that. Not my finest form.”

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of, Dan. I want to know all of you. Good and bad. It’s a part of you, but it’s definitely not all of you.”

“What is ‘all of me’?”

Phil thinks for a second, then says, “You’re dorky, you have a quick, dry wit, you’re cute, you talk a lot, you smile a lot. And you’ve got those nice rosy patches that are… Well… They’re doing some things to my heart.”

“Good things?”

“The very best.”

There it is. That funny, weird, good, hopeful feeling in his chest. His heart is whispering Phil’s name, wanting more. And God knows Dan wants it, his brain is already preparing the colourful banners, ready to promote it.

So, for now, he’ll stop thinking. He’ll go with the flow.

To change the topic before it gets too much or Dan does something he regrets (after all, he stinks), he says, “Let me get your meds. Or any meds from the doctor. You helped me, it’s only fair I help you too.”

Phil slowly nods. “My stupid pills don’t work, though. I think I’m gonna head down to the medical bay.”

“I’ll come, I’m just going to get dressed.”

Dan sits up; his head feels a bit dizzy, but just because he’s dehydrated. He sits on the edge of the bed for a bit. Then there’s a hand on his. Dan turns the side table lamp on before looking at Phil.

“Thank you.” Phil’s voice is soft and full of an emotion Dan can’t really name but he feels it. Oh, he feels it, deep in his bones, deep in his heart. The way Phil is looking at him… Dan’s never got that look. God, this man will be the death of him. It makes him blush, spreading to his ears, reddening his cheeks and even reaching his neck. “I really do like spending time with you.”

“I do, too.” Dan would like to crawl back into bed, cuddling up to Phil because the moment is there, their chemistry is palpable and everything feels too good to be true. But Phil’s looking too white, even for himself. “Right, medical bay.”

The trip down to the lower levels of the ship takes longer than expected. Once dressed, they head out of Dan’s room, but they have to stop every couple of steps because Phil is seriously feeling the swaying of the ship. Once they reach the lifts, Phil leans his head against the cold metal panels.

“Okay?” Dan as the lift goes down.

Phil is taking deep breaths. His eyes are closed, so he doesn’t notice Dan’s worried gaze on him. Because Dan is certainly worried. But also, looking at Phil is quickly becoming Dan’s favourite new hobby.

“Ask me that in a couple of minutes.”

They soon reach Deck G, where the medical bay is located. There’s a small reception outside where a nurse takes Phil’s info then she asks them to take a seat. Other passengers are there, looking as awful as Phil.

“You lot are mad,” Dan says to him as a nurse calls the other person in. “You have motion sickness yet you willingly pay to go on a cruise. Brave or stupid, I’m not sure.”

“I had no choice. My agent told me to come on this cruise.”

Dan furrows his brows. “Since when do editors have agents?”

“Mr Lester, come in,” a nurse says. Phil stands up, or struggles to, until Dan helps. “Your boyfriend is welcome to come in, as well.”

“Oh, I’m not --” Dan tries to say quickly.

Yet somehow, Phil is quicker. “Yeah, he will.”

So Dan guides Phil into the small room until he’s safely sat on a white armchair. Dan sits next to him and watches the nurse as she fills out some paperwork.

“Right, Mr Lester, you’re experiencing seasickness?”

“Yeah, I left my sea legs at home.”

Dan chuckles at that and notices Phil looking at him from the corner of his eyes, smiling, feeling proud of his achievement. 

“I see you were here a couple of days ago. The tablets didn’t help?”

“No, unfortunately. I tried to sleep afterwards as you said and it went away for a day or two.”

“Well, you’re definitely not the first or the last. I’ll give you an injection, it should help for a good while.”

She goes to the medicine cabinet. Dan looks at Phil, who’s not only looking pale but also a bit anxious.

“You don’t like needles?”

“I prefer avoiding them.”

Dan puts his hand on Phil’s thigh, higher than probably socially acceptable and squeezes it. “You’ll be fine. I’m here.”

Phil looks down, somehow transfixed on Dan’s hand. It, however, makes Dan self-conscious of it. They’re friends, at best. Maybe not even that. (The nights spent cuddling would beg to differ.) So Dan moves it.

“Leave it there,” Phil says quietly. “At least I’m not focusing on the needle.”

“You big baby.” Dan smiles fondly. “I’ll get you ice cream after this.”

“Coffee will do, thanks. Maybe a croissant?”

“This will make you drowsy,” the nurse says, destroying Phil’s dreams in a single sentence. “I suggest you go back to your cabin and have a nap. Studies suggest cuddling has positive health benefits.” She winks at them.

Dan blushes and he feels Phil’s eyes on him. “Yeah, we’ll do just that,” Phil says with his charming smile.

It only takes a couple of minutes for the injection to work. Phil is feeling a lot better and the colour is returning to his face, although he’s getting sleepier by the minute. They head towards the lifts, Phil occasionally bumping into the wall. Dan’s flexing his fingers and he notices that Phil’s watching it with curiosity.

“Oh, this? You only broke my fingers, but that’s fine.”

“I told you I’m not fond of needles.”

“Mate, you squeezed my hand so much that it’s flattened for life.”

“Sorry,” Phil says with a pout.

But Dan can’t really be mad at him.

Once they’re back on their floor, Dan walks Phil back to his room. Dan’s curious to see it. Reasonably, he knows it’s probably the same layout, but at the same time, it’s Phil’s space. 

“Thanks for coming with me,” Phil says sleepily as he unlocks his door. “‘m gonna have the nap of the century.”

“You do that, mate.” 

Dan helps Phil into the room and it’s exactly the same room. Phil’s laptop is on his bed, along with scattered papers and some clothes. 

“I don’t like it when you call me ‘mate’, it’s like you’re friendzoning me.” Phil yawns. “Are you staying?” He haphazardly cleans his bed, shoving the bits into the drawer. “I want you to stay, Danny boy.”

“I’m hungry, though,” Dan says and to prove his point, his stomach growls.

“I have biccies.” Phil takes his shoes off, then his jeans. Dan’s mesmerised, to say the least. “Rich tea. Good quality.”

“Oh, yeah, uh… sure.” He wasn’t planning on staying, his body is craving food and hydration, but cuddling Phil is just as good.

Dan turns around and takes a couple of biscuits from the table. He hears clattering, followed by a soft thump and the creaking of mattress springs. He bites into a biscuit, but doesn’t feel the taste or texture. He wonders if this is going to be the new normal, them just sleeping and cuddling. He doesn’t mind though.

“Come to bed.”

Dan obliges happily. He closes the curtains and lies next to Phil. On top of the covers. He’s spent enough of his cruise sleeping so he’ll just wait until Phil’s asleep and leave.

Phil immediately cuddles him, putting his head on Dan’s chest. Dan’s fingers go into Phil’s hair, kind of massaging his scalp. Phil sighs happily.

“Sleep well, Phil.”

“You’re soft, Dan. Soft and kind. And hot, did I tell you you’re hot?” Phil babbles, sounding like he’s drunk. It makes Dan blush, but also, it’s doing things to his head. And dick. “You’re so bloody hot you don’t even know. And I’m not and I want to ask you out but you’d say no. But you’re hot Dan and…”

Silence. Phil doesn’t say anything else, then Dan hears his soft, quiet snores. Bloody seasickness meds. 

Dan keeps hearing Phil’s words in his head, especially ‘hot’ and ‘ask you out’. The thing is, even if Phil doesn’t believe it, that Dan finds him super fit. In normal circumstances, Dan would ask him out. But things are far from normal.

Maybe he could use that to his advantage. Cruise ships, in Dan’s mind, are like Vegas. What happens here, might as well stay here. There’s nothing bad about this, no downsides, no negatives.

But truthfully, Dan’s a bit… embarrassed. Phil’s seen him when he wasn’t his best self. Dan can be proud, often too proud. So yes, it hurt his dignity a bit. 

Soon the thoughts get too much in his head. He tries to think about anything but Phil. He thinks about Málaga, about the cocktails, about the pool upstairs. Then, Phil’s arm slides down on Dan’s torso, until it’s across his groin. He thinks maybe Phil’s half-asleep and playing games with him. But his breaths are even so he’s dreaming still. 

Dan tries to stay calm, but he fails miserably. Once it gets too much, the slight tightness he feels in his jeans, he moves from Phil. He worries it’ll wake him, but Phil stays asleep. Dan watches his sleeping form in the darkness until it becomes borderline creepy, then leaves. He thinks about leaving a not for Phil, but looking for a pen and paper in the pitch-black would definitely wake him.

Back in his room, Dan cannot _wait_ to get rid of his clothes. He desperately needs a shower because he stinks and because he still feels Phil’s arm on his groin and he’s horny as hell.

Hot water against skin feels like heaven. He lets his hair get wet, before turning towards the water stream. He wants to take his time, savour every second, but he hasn’t had time or space to have a wank in days and he’s hard.

He doesn’t last long. Maybe it’s the steaminess of the shower, maybe he hasn’t done it in days or maybe it’s the fact that Phil is on his mind. His hands, his lips and how they might taste, his voice, his warmth, his closeness. His everything. Dan comes in record time, Phil’s name leaving his lips as he coats his fist in comes He leans his head against the cool tiles and feels a lot better. He definitely needed this.

He finishes his shower with methodical movements, cleansing himself. By the time he’s done, he’s beyond starving. He doesn’t even know what time it is, whether he’ll be having breakfast or dinner, but he needs something. 

Dan gets dressed and puts his phone on charge. It’ll be an awkward meal, with no phone and on his own. He decides to take his book as a last resort and hide in a corner so no one can judge what sort of fiction he’s reading. 

As it turns out, it’s lunchtime. The Sun is shining brightly and heat or not, he needs to get his vitamins. He heads towards the lifts, when he bumps into Jimmy, who’s exciting the lift.

“Oh, you’re alive!” Jimmy grins at him. “Where’s your other half?”

“He’s not…” Dan shakes his head. “Nevermind. Hello, Jimmy.”

“You alright?”

“Yeah, just bloody hungry. Wanna get food?”

Jimmy pats his tummy. “I’m in the third trimester with this food baby, I’m afraid. But I won’t say no to a cocktail.”

Dan scoffs dramatically. “But you’re pregnant! Only a mocktail for you.”

They get into the lift and Dan presses the button up to the Sun Deck. “Baby will be fine.” Jimmy takes a look at Dan’s book. “You’re still on that one? I thought you’d finish by now.”

“Well, sorry, people kept hogging my free time.”

“Nonsense.” There are two lunch spots on this deck; Dan’s already tried Amethyst with its artisan sandwiches so he turns towards Opal. “Seriously, Dan. Are you alright?” Jimmy asks again as they sit down at a table.

“Yeah, I am. Thanks for worrying, but there’s no need. There is always an end in sight.”

Dan quickly scans the menu; it offers hot soups, paninis, pizzas and cakes.

“Phil was worried about you.”

“Yeah, he said.” A waiter comes up to them and Dan orders his lunch: roasted pepper and goat cheese panini with chips and salad, while Jimmy orders himself a Long Island Tea. “I’m thinking of checking out the shops if you want to come.”

Jimmy ignores him. “I went to uni with Phil. I have _never_ seen him worried, not even when his best friend stayed up for 2 days straight.” He noticeably hesitates, before continuing quieter. “Not even when another friend of his died.” Dan furrows his brows. “See what I’m saying? The fact that he worries about you so much so early on is… interesting. Where is he anyway?”

“He’s asleep, we went to the doctor for a sea sickness injection for him and you’re clearly imagining things,” he says to Jimmy, then thanks the waiter for bringing over his Mai Tai and Jimmy’s cocktail. “Can we change the topic?”

“Sure, but I still think you should go for it.”

Dan rolls his eyes and takes a sip of his drink. He wants to wait for his food before he downs his cocktail otherwise he’ll be drunk pretty soon. Even then, that would be a better solution than Jimmy constantly wanting to talk about Phil.

“So what are we doing tomorrow?” Dan has a vague idea of where they will be. He wants to see something other than the endless sea.

“Corfu. We can see the town or the beach.”

“The town. I’m going to Greece to see stuff, I can soak myself in the pool here.”

Jimmy looks out to the sea, deep in thought, so Dan does the same, except he’s thinking about his food. He’s starving. Even when he’s bad, he knows he has to eat but that requires a lot of energy.

“You know, I’m really glad I met you. You’re a good dude, Dan and I’m happy we get to spend this cruise together.”

Dan turns towards Jimmy, with a smile on his face. “Me too. I’m just glad Patrick is gone.”

“Yeah, he’d be whining about the heat,” Jimmy laughs.

“And then he would be complaining about the air conditioning, saying it’s too cold,” Dan adds.

“Oh, man.” Jimmy sighs. “I’m so happy we broke up.”

“You’re not heartbroken at all?”

“Why would I be? ‘rick the dick is a horrible guy, he was awful to you, to me, to everyone he knows. I’m just upset that I wasted so much time on him. He doesn’t deserve anyone’s heartbreak, especially not ours.”

Dan doesn’t say anything, instead, he uses the silence to consider what Jimmy just said. He’s painfully right. They wasted enough of their lives on Patrick, so it really has to stop now.

There’s yelling then an ‘Oh, sorry!’. Dan whips his head around, to see Jimmy covered in what looks like pink lemonade.

“What the…” Jimmy jumps up then looks up at his assailant. A guy is standing there, brown hair and glasses, looking very apologetic. “Oh, hi,” Jimmy says with a blush.

“I’m terribly sorry.” Pink lemonade guy puts his glass on the table. “I have awful coordination”

“No shit,” Dan mumbles under his nose.

“That’s fine, I like a pink lemonade bath,” Jimmy says with a small laugh and the other guy laughs as well.

“Can I make it up to you? After you change, of course.”

“Sure, I’d like that.” Even Dan notices that Jimmy licks his lips before biting down. “Half an hour?”

“I’ll meet you here…”

“Jimmy.”

“I’m Leo,” he says then winks at Jimmy. Leo then walks away doing that typical face of ‘why did I do that’, but Jimmy doesn’t see any of it.

“What the hell was that?” Dan asks.

Jimmy grins at Dan and slides him his untouched cocktail. “That was asking someone out by people who don’t overthink everything.” He wipes his hands with some serviettes. “Now excuse me, I have to go shower because I have a date soon and I really do need a good rebound shag.”

Dan makes a face. “Ew, Jimmy, that’s too much information.”

“I expect the same level when _you_ shag Phil.”

Dan doesn’t reply, just watches Jimmy leave him as his food arrives. God, he really does want to shag Phil.


	13. Day 6 - At sea

After Dan finishes his well-deserved lunch, he thinks about what to do next. His options are limitless, but now that he’s alone, he feels a bit lost. He sees Mina at the bar on the other side of the ship, but he also sees her serving Jimmy and clumsy guy. To give them space, he takes his book and heads down to the Lido Deck.

It’s beyond crowded; kids are in and around the pool and their parents watching them from a distance, sipping champagne after champagne. There are no free sunloungers as far as Dan can tell, but he still chooses this deck, and heads straight towards the bar.

“Good afternoon, sir,” the young bartender says. “What can I get you?”

“Hey, I’d like a… mojito, please.” He wants the cocktail Mina made for him earlier during the cruise, but he knows this guy just wouldn’t do it justice. “Thanks,” he says as he hands over his card.

A couple of minutes later, he’s sat at a table under a cream coloured parasol. It’s right next to the railing; to his right is the vast and deep blue sea. He studies the water for a few minutes while sipping the mojito, he imagines seeing a couple of dolphins. He watches them, or phantoms of them, swimming, jumping, seemingly racing the cruise ship. Reasonably he knows there’s no way they would be this close to a massive ship like the Anna Theresa. Still, it’s a nice thought and a nice way to daydream for a bit.

Once the dolphins swim away, he opens his book. He rereads the last couple of paragraphs before starting the new chapter and soon he’s with Sebastian Porter.

No one bothers him. He reads about Sebastian’s horrible encounter with a B-lister because he knows what it’s like to work with know-it-all clients. Then his heart goes boom when he reads about a mysterious, yet charming guy, Tobias, entering Sebastian’s photo studio with his son because he knows it’s this guy that’ll change Sebastian’s life.

Dan suddenly wishes life was this easy. He wishes there was someone who would tell him that yes, Phil is  _ that  _ guy. 

Then he realises, there is. And he’s being told, constantly, by Jimmy.

_ Go with the flow, Daniel,  _ he keeps telling himself.  _ Don’t overthink it. _

So he gets another mojito and some mixed nuts and continues reading about Sebastian crushing on Tobias. He reads and reads, but still, he keeps thinking about Phil.

Jimmy finds him a couple of hours later. He’s sporting a shit-eating grin and generally, he looks very, very happy.

“Alright, Casanova?”

“Ah, he’s bloody fantastic,” Jimmy says as he sits opposite of Dan. He sighs, with a smile still on his face. “He’s just… amazing.”

Dan knows that look very well. Jimmy’s seems more genuine than Dan’s has ever been. 

“I’m happy for you, bud.” Dan closes his book. He’s on chapter seven and Sebastian and Tobias are currently on their way to Brighton for the birthday party of Tobias’s son. 

“Yeah, we’re gonna have lunch tomorrow in Corfu.”

“Ah, Jimmy, that sounds lovely.”

He tries to sound excited, because he really  _ is  _ excited for Jimmy, but Phil is still not around, so he misses him. Terribly, and it’s pathetic.

“I think I’m gonna get room service tonight and stay in, watch a film or two.”

“You  _ definitely  _ need a lot of beauty sleep, loverboy.”

“Oi, watch it.” Jimmy laughs. “Which means…”

“I know what it means, James,” Dan says with a sigh. “He’s still out cold. Besides, we’re talking about you and what’s-his-face.

“Leo,” Jimmy says but ignores the rest of what Dan said. “But he’ll be hungry, come dinnertime.” He studies Dan’s face for a few seconds before continuing. “You’d be doing yourself  _ and  _ Phil a favour if you two just…”

“Don’t even say it. What about your man uh… Leo?”

“I’m a gentleman.” Jimmy scoffs, trying to hide his smile. “I’m not just gonna sleep with him right away.”

“So tomorrow then?”

“If he’s down, fuck yeah. I bet he’s really good.” Jimmy laughs.

“And I hope you’re really good at not telling me things about your sex life.”

Jimmy shoves Dan’s feet with his own. “Is it weird? That we’ve become buddies even though we dated the same guy? That we shagged the same guy?”

“Okay, what is it with you and that word? You’ve overused it at this point.”

“We all have our quirks, Daniel.”

Dan rolls his eyes, but in reality, he doesn’t mind. Jimmy’s a nice guy, a funny one, and he likes spending time with him. Even if he says ‘shag’ at every opportunity he gets.

“To answer your question, no. You said so yourself: Patrick is awful so something like this just brings us closer. He’s a worm. No, not even that, that’s hurtful for all the worms. He’s just… black mould. Toxic, harmful to health and makes you want to die.”

Jimmy stares at him, blinking. Then he starts laughing loudly and people turn towards them. “I don’t know what you’ve been drinking, but I want some of that.”

“Very funny.” Dan finishes the rest of his cocktail. “I fancy some sushi, wanna come with?”

“Nah, I’m full, but… I think Phil would appreciate it.”

Dan considers it. Even if Phil is not a sushi kind of guy, he’s been asleep for most of the day so he will appreciate some food. And Dan will appreciate Phil’s company. “That’s the wisest thing you’ve said all week.”

Dan puts his book in his room and gets his phone before heading to Phil’s. He wonders if the guy is in his room or he’s awake at all. Before he has time to contemplate it, he’s right by Phil’s door.

He knocks then presses against the door as two kids run down the corridor, chasing each other with lightsabers. Kids or not, he loves this vacation. If he can, he’ll put money aside and go on a cruise every couple of years. It’s a lavish, luxurious thing, but man, this feels about 90% better than just going on a caravan holiday in Cornwall.

Phil’s door opens and he says, “Urgh.”

This is a new side of Phil Dan’s so happy to discover. He has an extreme case of bed hair, there are pillow marks on his face and he’s wearing his glasses. He’s also shirtless, but that’s just yet another explosion in Dan’s heart.

“Morning, sleepyhead.”

“Urgh,” Phil says again and walks back into his room, but leaves the door open.

Dan follows him, just in time to see him fall back into the pillows face first. The room is almost dark, but there’s enough light seeping through the curtains for Dan to… check Phil’s bum out. That wonderful bubble butt. There’s no shame in that, he decides as he cocks his head to the side to observe his ass. He wonders how they might feel in his hands. They look very squeezable, perfect to hold onto during making out.

And with that, he has to look away because even the thought of making out with Phil makes his blood rush downwards.

“How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” Phil says, turning his head sideways. “But fine. What time is it?”

Dan checks his phone. “5:17. Are you hungry?” He walks to the window, pulling the curtains apart. For once, he thinks about the words he’s about to say and finds that those are the exact words he wants to say. “Want to have dinner with me?”

“What about Jimmy?” Phil looks towards Dan.

“He’s out. He met a guy so he’s… yeah, he’s out.”

“So just the two of us?” Phil pushes himself up. “As in a…” He doesn’t finish, but Dan knows what he means.

And he knows what he wants to answer. “Yeah. That alright?”

“Do I have time to shower?”

Dan smiles at him, while he’s trying to contain his excitement. He doesn’t want to think about the d letter word (and this time, it’s not 'dick'), but damn, he forgot how thrilling this is. Yet, this feels something more than that, something deeper with a real significance. It’s Phil.

“Yeah. I’ll just… wait here.” Dan points to Phil’s balcony then goes and sits in one of the chairs.

While Phil showers, Dan spends long minutes trying to take a couple of artistic pictures of the sea. He can’t get enough of it, the sight, the smell, the calmness. Even with and after the whole Patrick fiasco, even with his bad day the day before, he loves everything about this voyage. He loves how he stepped out of his comfort zone. He loves the luxuries he gets to experience, the place he gets to see. The food, the life he’s having and… And the people he met. Especially Phil.

Fifteen minutes later, Phil joins him on the balcony. He doesn’t sit, just stands next to Dan. His hair is still wet, but he’s wearing slim cropped chinos with a white shirt. He also has the top three buttons undone; as Dan watches him and sees his chest hair poking out, he needs to stop himself from jumping on him.

“Looking nice,” Dan says, almost way too eagerly. “Now I feel underdressed.”

“Don’t,” Phil replies softly. He puts his hand on Dan’s shoulder, almost on the crook of his neck. Somehow, the touch seems to be more than friendly. “You look lovely.”

Dan smiles. Now, as they’re about to go to dinner together, waiting seems silly. Dan’s head is truly his biggest enemy. This is normal. People do this, go out on dates with people they fancy.

“Ready?”

Phil nods and walks to his door. Dan quietly reminds him to take his card. Once he’s sure Phil has it, they head out.

“What are we having?”

“Sushi. I’m craving it and I’m not sure if you like it, but I’m sure they have…”

“Hey.” Phil lets his hand brush against Dan’s which sends sparks up and down Dan’s arm. “I love sushi.”

“Good.” 

He smiles at Phil and they continue their trip down to the Prom deck. They’re quiet, almost awkwardly so, as if they’re both unsure of what to say. Under normal circumstances, they would have a casual banter, chat about a TV show or maybe some flirting. But now, that this is actually happening, Dan feels nervous.

They don’t speak until they’re seated at their table. Even then, Dan’s browsing the menu, but he’s not actually seeing the words. He seems to have lost his appetite. He feels Phil’s eyes on him, but he’s adamant to focus on the menu.

“Are you alright?”

Dan looks up, into those eyes that are blue, green and yellow at the same time. His nerves quieten a bit, not completely gone, just hiding in a mental wardrobe.

“Yeah, sorry.” He closes his eyes for a few moments, only to realise he’s missing Phil’s. “I’m just… I wasn’t gonna say anything, but you’ve seen my track record.”

“You mean Patrick?”

“Yeah, and all the other failed dates and relationships.” Dan starts playing with the corner of the laminated menu. “I’m not… very good at these things, as it turns out. I thought I was. We’ve been having such a nice time and I’m worried that I’ll fuck things up.”

Phil takes Dan’s hand, the one that’s currently teasing the corner. “Dan. I want this.” He entwines his fingers with Dan’s. There’s a small, hesitant, almost shy smile on his lips and he’s looking right at him. “You have no idea how much I want this. Tell you what. We’ll give it a try tonight, yeah? If it works, great, if it doesn’t we’ll pretend this never happened.”

“You sure? I mean, you seem like an eligible bachelor, people would be happy to queue up.”

Phil laughs and in the process, he squeezes Dan’s hand. “I might seem very experienced in romance and my job might make it seem so, but trust me, I’m not.”

“What do you mean your job?”

Phil blushes and lets go of Dan’s hand, hiding his own under the table. “Oh, I mean… I read a lot of romance novels. For work. I exist in romance.”

Dan feels bad for never really asking him about his job, but at the same time, Phil doesn’t seem to want to talk about it. He cocks his head to the side, studying Phil’s face. Thankfully, he’s completely oblivious of it, his nose buried deep in the menu. Dan can’t help but notice the way Phil licks his lips when he comes across an item that tickles his fancy. He likes taking note of his little quirks. But also, watching Phil to be so immersed in something superficial, to do something that doesn’t really matter, makes Dan… flustered, like he wants to experience more of this casualness.

For a while, he’s just sat there, in silence, not moving, maybe not even blinking as he watches Phil. Dan knows that the man across the table is everything his heart, mind and soul wants, maybe something more as well. Sure, he has his flaws: he’s stubborn and he has motion sickness, but to Dan, he’s perfect.

And that’s what scares him. Because that’s what he thought about Patrick at first. He knows he’s not comparing the two of them because Phil is not like that, but it’s a thought deep in his mind and it’s hard to get rid of.

“You okay?” Phil says, sounding a bit perplexed. “You uh… you’ve been staring.”

It’s Dan’s turn to blush. “Sorry,” he mumbles. He wants to offer an explanation, but as he imagines the words in his head, they sound too forward and a bit creepy. “Zoned out.”

“I do that, too.”

Phil offers a small smile, but Dan’s mind is not having it. Dan is terrified of falling back into the old patterns. He falls in love too quickly and too deep. He knows it’s not Love love, but it still scares his dates away. And those who stay turn out to be manipulative assholes. 

He doesn’t want to drive Phil away. God, he doesn’t want to fuck it up. He likes him as a person and he seems to be great as a friend. But Dan’s all in too soon and he’s worried that Phil will leave. Phil is nice and funny, and Dan is just a… goblin. Hiding in a dark cave that is his brain. Fuck. 

He doesn’t know how to do the casual thing. Seemingly, Dan’s mind and heart have only one setting: too much, too soon. While that’s, for the most part, alright for him, his potential partners don’t think so. 

“Good evening, I’m Oliver, your waiter for the evening,” their waiter says, appearing out of nowhere. “Have you decided on your orders?”

“Wine,” Dan says quickly. Both Phil and the waiter look at him, confused. Dan blinks, remembering his manners. “Uh, I’d like a bottle of rose to share, please.”

“Certainly. Any preference?”

“Whatever’s cheapest.” Since the cruise is not paying for his drinks, he’ll be skint afterwards.

“Uh, sure. I’ll be right back.” The waiter doesn’t wait for Phil’s answer, but Dan doesn’t think it matters anyway.

“Are you alright, Dan?”

“Mm-hmm, peachy.” He ignores Phil to look at the menu, but he doesn’t see the words. He knows it’s awful to treat him like that, because Phil most definitely doesn’t deserve it. But he also knows that soon Phil will realise that Dan wants and gives too much too soon and he will be weirded out. Maybe this is for the best, maybe Dan is meant to be alone forever. “Thanks,” he says to the waiter as he appears with a chilled bottle of rose and two wine glasses. He pours some into each glass, way too little for Dan’s liking. “Thank you,” he says again, then once the waiter leaves, he downs the wine and refills it quickly.

He’s not having a freakout. Nope. He’s fine. He’s just thinking about the fact that come retirement, he’ll be on his own, no husband, only seven cats. He’s thinking about the fact that he’s miserable and he’s crushing on Phil, but he can’t do anything because the only potential outcome here is scaring him away because Dan’s loud and stupidly romantic and he’s already imagining a life with Phil in a house with white picket fence around it and a couple of kids running around, teasing the dog the youngest kid named after a yoghurt and Phil let it happen and Dan pretends to be mad, but he can’t because it’s Phil, his Phil, and their kids and their playful, but very smart dog, but he can’t think about any of that or tell Phil because, he’ll end up scaring him away and that’s the last thing he wants to do. So no, he’s not having a freakout. These are perfectly reasonable thoughts to have about his insecurities.

“You’re acting weird,” Phil says quietly and drags Dan back to Earth. For a bit, Dan stares at him but he ends up not replying; instead, he downs the second glass. It doesn’t even taste good, but right now, he wants any kind of drunkenness it may cause. He’s blowing his friendship, or whatever this is, with Phil, might as well ruin his liver. “Dan.”

He looks up, at the hurt Phil who’s still looking at him with worry in his eyes. “This is… This is not working, right? We should just stop forcing it so it doesn’t become awkward for the rest of the cruise.”

Phil stays quiet for a few seconds, before standing up and walking away. Dan, honest to God, expects him to leave. He should. Dan’s being a dick and Phil doesn’t deserve this. But to his biggest surprise, Phil walks to their waiter, talk for a bit, before returning.

“Come on.” Phil’s extended hand is right in Dan’s face. He feels intimidated by Phil’s sudden confidence, but that wears off quickly, giving way to awe and honestly? A bit of horniness. Fuck, confidence, especially Phil’s, is fucking hot. “Oh my gosh, just come with me!”

Phil takes his wrist, dragging him to his feet. Then and there, Dan is suddenly feeling the effects of the wine. He’s unsteady on his feet and his cheeks are hot, but he’s not sure if that’s the wine or the fact that Phil moved his hold from Dan’s wrist to his hand. His giant, but lovely fingers are engulfing Dan’s equally big hand as he lets himself drag through the restaurant, then straight towards the lifts.

“Where are we going?” Dan asks when they’re waiting for the lift to arrive.

“You’ll see in a minute.” Phil’s tone is even, without a single emotion. Dan doesn’t know if he’s about to get yelled at or… His mind refuses to go there, instead, it gets mesmerised the slow swaying lights of the buttons. “Come on,” Phil says seemingly after a second, but they’re standing on the uppermost level. 

Dan hasn’t been here yet. It just slipped his mind; besides, he’s always imagined it to be really popular with passengers. But now, only a few people are sitting or wandering. Phil lets go of his hand once they’re standing in the open air, but he stays close.

The Sun is lazily sitting on the sky, with some clouds swimming around in the distance. The air is warm, but not hot. Dan feels at ease.

“Are you gonna throw me overboard?” Dan says, almost laughing. He follows Phil around the deck until they find a deserted spot. They walk to the railing. Dan watches Phil as he leans against it, his body made perfectly for leaning against metal railings on Mediterranean cruise ships. Dan’s heart aches, but here’s a man right in front of him who’s funny, who’s kind, who’s amazing, but they met at the worst time. Or maybe Dan’s awful head imagines so. Either way, He just can’t stop thinking about how fucked up this situation is. “I would. I’m an asshole.”

“You are, Dan!” Phil bursts out. “You’re so stupid for not noticing things that are right in front of you. I get that you’re still heartbroken. I can’t even  _ fathom _ what you went through with Patrick, but you need to stop beating yourself up for it. It wasn’t your fault. You can’t let him have a hold of your heart and mind forever.”

“I know,” Dan says, but Phil just continues.

“That way you won’t ever be ready for a… a relationship or whatever. Stop overthinking everything. You went from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds.” Phil takes a shaky breath, turning away from Dan. “What happened, what were you thinking about?”

“I guess…” Dan doesn’t even know where to begin. “I’m not worthy of it, Phil. One day you’ll realise that. I want to be, I want to have it all, but I just… I care. I care too much, too soon, I fall in love too quickly, too deep. I don’t want to scare you away with that. I also don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

Phil studies his face for a few moments, before moving closer to Dan. Their sides are now pressed against one another. “You won’t. I know what it’s like, Dan. I know the disastrous dates, the failed relationships. My mum tells me my heart is too big. She tells me that I only see the best in people, unless they do something really bad. Apparently, I’m a romantic who also wants to be around people, which, as an introvert, is a big challenge. So I get what you mean, Dan. But stop with the overthinking, it’s not healthy for you.”

Dan smiles a bit. “Is it weird? I’ve known you for, what, three days. Is it weird we’re talking about stuff like that?”

“No.” Phil shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s just who we are. Maybe we’re just two weirdos who were meant to meet on this cruise.”

“I just… don’t know how to stop. I want this, Phil.” Dan looks up, hoping this is okay. Phil’s not running towards the lifts, so it’s a good sign. “It’s just… I don’t know how to do it slowly. I don’t know how to wait, how to be casual, how to… not want it all right away.”

Phil stays silent for a couple of seconds, before saying. “You know, I don’t mind.” He smiles. “You don’t need to be so… nervous about this, Dan. I like you as is.” He bumps against Dan’s shoulder. “Not casual and right away.”

Dan blushes. Fuck. Phil does know how to calm his racing, anxious mind. “I’m really glad you’re on this cruise, seasickness or not.”

“I am, too.” Phil smiles.

To change topics, Dan says. “Have you ever seen  _ The Blue Lagoon  _ films? I don’t know why I’m thinking about this now, we’re neither shipwrecked nor hate each other, but it reminds me of that. It’s like I’m… run aground. I can’t move backwards, and sure as hell, I can’t move forward. Like this fucking heart of me is the one shipwrecked and on its way to a deserted island.”

Phil stays quiet, his eyes still on Dan. After a while, Dan looks at him as well, and suddenly, he feels it.  _ That  _ moment. The moment he loves the most, the excitement of it, the need to chase it. His heart starts beating like crazy and it's a cliche, but he feels it in his fingers and in his toes. He’s about to be kissed.

Phil leans closer and Dan mirrors his movement. The constant rumble of the ship seems to stop as does the sound of water splashing against its metal body. Dan doesn’t hear or see anything else, just Phil. There’s only them in the space, that sacred bubble and Phil is wonderful. There’s a small, seemingly permanent smile on his lips. Dan wonders how it’ll feel to kiss those soft lips.

“You know… I’ve never seen those films.”

Dan gasps and pulls away. The moment is gone.

“Phil! You are impossible!”

The rumble and the waves return as Phil starts laughing. Crinkles appear around his eyes and he pokes the tip of his tongue out. Dan finds that rather endearing.

“We’re good, then? No more self-doubt, no more overthinking?”

“I mean, probably there will be some more of those, but that just comes with the package. I didn’t mean to be so rude to you tonight, I’m sorry.”

“No, that’s okay. I’m just sad our date got ruined.”

Dan’s cheeks turn crimson red and suddenly his head is feeling the effects of the wine again, or at least that’s what he keeps telling himself. 

“Our d… I mean… I know that it was…”

“It’s okay, Dan. Maybe tomorrow we can give it another go in Corfu? My treat.”

The redness reaches Dan’s ears as he nods. He says, “You know, I actually have  _ The Blue Lagoon  _ on my laptop. All three.”

“So… room service, cuddling and films?” Phil puts his hand on his chest. “You know the way to a man’s heart.”

Dan rolls his eyes and turns away, mainly to hide his blushing, but also to hide the fact he now, officially, has a crush on Phil.


	14. Day 7 - Corfu

Their evening goes quickly. They binge  _ The Blue Lagoon  _ (all three films, Dan doesn’t let Phil even move until they’re done, but thankfully, Phil actually enjoys them) while eating waffles and popcorn, and once their film night is over, Phil leaves. Dan’s sad to see him go because, in addition to watching the films, they cuddled like there’s no tomorrow and flirted shamelessly. After that, there’s no point really for him to stay. There’s no excuse left to say, so he goes back to his own room. 

The next morning, Dan wakes to a still ship. He feels energised like he rarely does. He turns his mobile data on while he takes a quick trip to the bathroom. When he gets back, he has missed calls, text messages and various notifications. He writes a quick message to his mum, informing her that he’s now in Greece and he’s fine, then he texts Louise with the same message. He uploads a picture to his Instagram story he took the day before of the brilliant sunshine and the endless water of the Mediterranean to make the few followers he’s got jealous. But other than that, he ignores the rest of the notifications, he can deal with those once he’s back in rainy London.

The sky is as blue as it can be, with no clouds in sight. He stands on his balcony for a couple of minutes, trying to actually believe that he’s in Greece and on this holiday. Fucking unbelievable.

He takes a picture of the cruise terminal and the seemingly small people wandering around. He doesn’t know what the plan is for today or how he’s supposed to meet Phil. Dan remembers that Jimmy is ditching them for a guy, but it’s probably for the best. He kind of wants to be alone with Phil today. He just hopes the day won’t end with them getting lost in Corfu Town.

Once he’s ready - meaning that his hair looks like a wavy mess on purpose as opposed to ‘just rolled out of bed and can’t find my brush’ messy - he pockets his phone, the map of the city he found in the welcome pack and his wallet, he takes the keycard out of the slot and leaves. But then, he bumps into Phil,  _ literally _ bumps into him, whose long arms instinctively go around Dan, holding and protecting him.

“Morning, Dan,” Phil soft voice says against his ear. Suddenly, Dan really likes the fact that his freakish height matches Phil’s. “Nice to see you.”

Dan rolls his eyes and puts his hand on Phil’s chest, pushing him away before he does something he would regret. He keeps his hand there though, as Phil just laughs. Dan’s hand lingers as his fingers feel Phil’s heartbeat. “Morning.” Dan smiles at him and lets his arm drop. “Sleep well?”

“I was on a deserted island in the Caribbean, so no.”

Dan smiles at him. “I see I’m influencing your dreams now.”

“You sound surprised.” Phil bumps against his shoulder. “So we’re in Greece. Plans?”

“Coffee first? And maybe a couple of pastries? A boy is gotta have his breakfast.”

“Sure, ‘cause you need to grow more.”

“Shut up.” Dan can’t stop grinning. He can’t stop grinning and staring at Phil. Maybe it’s the Sun, maybe it’s the man in front of him, but his negative thoughts and feelings seem to be gone. At least for now. He’s feeling happiness he hasn’t felt in a while. And Phil’s the reason. “Breakfast?”

“Yeah.”

They go to Pearl on Deck B. As they walk side by side, Dan lets his hand brush against Phil’s. Neither of them mentions it, nor does Phil pull his arm away. As Dan watches him from the corners of his eyes, he sees the slight small on Phil’s lips and the crinkles in the corners of his eyes.

Would it be so unreasonable? Jimmy went for it. He could as well. He likes Phil, he  _ really  _ likes it. The thing is, he likes dating, he likes being in a relationship, he likes looking for that one person he can call his. But this is different. Dan has never felt this way towards anyone. Not Patrick, not any of his failed dates, not his teenage girlfriend he was so in love with at first. Phil is special, in every way.

But at the same time, Phil’s seen how bad it gets up in Dan’s head. He’s seen his lows, his overthinking, his lack of confidence at times. Dan’s certain that Phil is not after that kind of package deal.

The breakfast place is a lot more crowded, seeing it’s early in the day. Still, they somehow manage to get a table by the window. From there, the view of Corfu is amazing. Dan sees ships as big as their own, but he’s got his eyes on a quaint little town with old buildings.

“It looks beautiful,” he tells Phil who’s bringing back two coffees for them.

“Don’t laugh, but you know what I miss the most?”

“Steady land? Not feeling sick? Internet? Netflix?”

Phil rolls his eyes but he keeps smiling. “I mean, apart from those. This coffee is nice, but I think I still prefer instant coffee.”

Dan tries his best to hide his laugh. “You are so cute.” Once he realises what he said, his cheeks turn red. He lifts his mug and drinks from the coffee, but it’s scalding hot so it burns his tongue. “Ah, motherfucker.”

Phil chuckles. “You sure curse like a sailor, but you are cute, too.”

Dan looks at him, mug still in his hand and against his lips. He’s sat still, and yet, his heart speeds up. He forgets how to blink because the only thing he sees is Phil. He really wants to kiss him. He doesn’t know if he can or if he should. He doesn’t know if he should leave it until the moment is more appropriate (and romantic) or if he should just go for it, right here and right now.

Dan keeps looking between Phil’s eyes and lips. He doesn’t know if he should be looking at Phil’s eyes - they’re bright and the way the light hits him brings out the yellow more in them - or his very kissable looking lips.

But then the moment is broken, when a toddler falls and starts screaming. Dan blinks rapidly for a few seconds before looking away. The magic is gone.

“So uh,” he clears his throat, “what are we doing today?”

“Explore Corfu a bit? I didn’t really do the required reading, so I don’t know what there is to do.”

“Why don’t we just take the shuttle into the town centre and we’ll go from there?”

“Sounds good.” Phil stretches, extending his arms over his head. Dan just can’t take his eyes off of his arms and he knows that Phil’s fully aware of this and he’s doing it on purpose. “I’ll get us some croissants.”

“Sounds good,” Dan croaks, mirroring Phil’s answer. Fuck, he really blows his mind, completely shortcircuiting whatever brain cells he’s got left.

While Phil’s busy with loading two plates with pastries, Dan texts Louise.

**Dan**

lou i’m in big trouble

not trouble trouble

the guy i told you about the hot one

i think i’m crushing on him

Louise texts back, almost immediately.

**Louise**

Daniel! Howell! Is he nice? Is he better than Patrick?

For the first time, Dan doesn’t get paralysed with fear at the mention of Patrick. It’s a nice change and one he welcomes with open arms.

**Dan**

i really like him like a lot

i think i’m gonna kiss him today

**Louise**

!!!

Go for it!!

“Everything okay?” Phil says suddenly and Dan looks up. It’s only then he realises he’s smiling like an idiot.

“Yeah,” Dan replies because that’s the truth. He’s feeling a bit calmer, now that he’s come to a decision. Today’s the day. “More than okay.”

Phil sets a plate in front of Dan before sitting. “I’ve heard there’s a bus in 20 minutes so if we hurry, we can beat the crowd.”

As it turns out, Phil’s calculations are off. By the time they get to the terminal, there are several queues of people waiting for a bus. The crowd’s big enough to fill a smaller stadium, but thankfully, the buses are frequent.

After 15 minutes, they’re standing in the middle of Corfu Town. There’s a light breeze coming from the bay, but they can still feel the heat. Phil’s already reapplying his sunscreen with methodical movements on his forehead.

“You’re helpless,” Dan teases him.

While Phil’s busy with protecting his porcelain whiteness, Dan takes in Corfu Town. Around them are narrow, cobblestoned streets and lanes, with inviting cafes and restaurants and tourist traps. Overall, it looks very gorgeous and picturesque, way better than he imagined it to be. His heart almost bursts at the sight of this beauty.

A couple of months ago, he was in his sad cubicle, working on boring contracts, dreaming about a vacation. Now he’s in Greece, in  _ Greece, _ on a fantastic holiday. Sure, he knew it would be a decent trip, but it exceeds everything he’s ever dreamt of.

“Oh, is that ice cream?” Phil asks, his eyes glistening like a 5-year-old’s.

“We need to figure out what we’re doing, anyway.”

So they get two ice creams, one scoop of vanilla, one scoop of chocolate in waffle cones each. Then they find an empty bench under a large tree and Dan gets his phone. He spends a couple of minutes Googling until he finds it. He gets the map and his plan is fully formed.

“So, where to now?” Phil asks as he licks his fingers off after the ice cream. Dan looks at him and sees a bit of chocolate ice cream just underneath his lower lip. Once again, his heart beats a lot faster and his plan is almost out the window. He’s sure he’ll kiss Phil right there and then because he really wants to kiss the remnants of the ice cream away. But he fights the urge, and instead, with a shaky hand, he wipes Phil’s lips. His thumb lingers, then he remembers, it’s not actually uh… acceptable. “Thanks,” Phil mumbles, looking away. 

Dan feels it then, the crush he’s got, bursting at its seams, unsure of how long he’ll be able to contain it.

“Uh, the lighthouse. I’ve never seen one up close and I want to check it out. It’s only a 10-minute walk.”

“Sure, lead the way.”

One the way, they get two bottles of ice-cold water from a small shop. Dan drinks almost all of his right away. He then mentions to Phil just how excited he is for Dubrovnik the following day, seeing that  _ Game of Thrones  _ is one of his favourite TV shows. They spend their walk walking about that, also making plans for that evening to rewatch an episode or two.

Dan smells the sea before he can see it. He smells the saltiness of it, the freshness of it, but he also smells the sunshine that lingers around them. Then he feels the cooling breeze on his cheekbones and his hair is ruffled by it. 

Their route leads them past an old fortress. The lighthouse towers over the ancient walls, right on the cliff edge. He bumps against Phil as a couple of children run past them, shouting at each other in Greek. Dan looks up and smiles timidly, before looking away.

He doesn’t know why he’s being such a coward. Usually, he has no problem flirting and being enticing. But with Phil, everything is different. So different. 

“It’s beautiful,” Dan says, taking a couple of pictures of the lighthouse. The sunlight hits it perfectly, the rays reflecting on the old windows.

“I wonder if it’s open.”

“Let’s find out.”

There are a couple of tourists wandering around the remnants of fortress’s walls. The day is still early; Dan guesses that most of the people from their ship are still in the town centre, browsing shops. He prefers it this way, though; it’s just them and the untouched beauty of Greece. He wonders what the history of this place is, but he’s too nervous to look it up. All he can think about is his plan.

There’s a lady by the front door of the lighthouse. She’s sitting in the shade, but her legs are stretched in front of her. Her eyes are closed and she is paying no mind to the tourists. No one seems to be going up so Dan and Phil approach the door, wondering if it’s open to the public.

“Maybe she’s a witch,” Phil speculates, “and her only job is to keep people away with her broomstick.”

“Yeah, ‘cause that’s more plausible than her airing out the crumbling tower.” He smiles at Phil who just shoves his shoulder. “Ask her while I take a couple of pictures for the cruise line.”

Dan walks away, to the side. There’s a small section with wrought iron railings, right next to the lighthouse, on the edge of the cliffs, almost hanging over the sea. It’s not that high up, but Dan still gets a bit dizzy looking at the waves down below. He takes photos of the view of some smaller islands opposite him and the open sea as well. He even takes a panoramic photo of it all. He feels like they don’t do it justice. The whole experience, Corfu is so much more than a couple of 2D, digital photos. He pockets his phone and turns around.

Phil is still talking to the woman, gesticulating wildly. He locks eyes with Dan at some point and smiles at him. Dan’s cheeks heat up in a second and his insides turn warm and gooey.

“Come on,” Phil tells him after a couple of minutes. Dan hasn’t taken his eyes off of Phil. After all, there’s only one thing more beautiful than Greece right now (and always): Phil. “She says we can go up.”

He lets Phil first who starts climbing the rickety, old spiral stairs. He tells him it’s because if it breaks, he wants Phil to fall, but Dan pretty sure Phil knows that he only wants to stare at his ass. Neither of them says anything as they go up. Not that they can, Phil’s out of breath, Dan’s out of breath because of the stairs  _ and  _ Phil’s butt. 

But, once they’re on top, and out in the open, the view is beyond incredible. There’s nothing but the blue sky above them. Dan sees their ship in the distance and as he walks around, he sees the old, beige houses with their terracotta-coloured roofs and winding streets. He sees the people walking around the fortress, taking pictures, enjoying the Sun or eating ice cream. He then walks back to Phil, who’s still stood looking at the open sea.

He’s leaning against the railing. He seems to be deep in thought, completely oblivious of Dan who uses this to take a couple of pictures of him. Phil’s looking happy, Dan determines, once he’s satisfied with the number of pictures he has.

“It looks so… unbelievable.” Dan watches a sailboat in the distance, swimming across the calm water. “Phil.” They look at each other and Dan suddenly chickens out. He’s afraid of rejection. “Uh, it’s so cheesy, but a selfie? The view is really lovely.”

Phil bites into his lip to hide a smile but he fails. He nods and stands next to Dan, pressing against him. His arm goes around Dan’s torso and pulls him close. Dan takes a couple of pictures. Suddenly, he feels like he cannot breathe. He’s so aware of Phil being in his space, in his mind, in his heart. He can’t breathe because Phil’s there and gorgeous, and Dan’s acting like a coward. Once he’s done, he steps away from Phil and tells him he’ll take a couple of pictures of the town, just to calm his racing mind.

He takes a few steps to the side, pretending to photograph some more, but in reality, he opens the gallery on his phone. Phil is now back to watching the ship in the distance. Dan looks at the pictures he took of Phil. He admires his long, lanky figure. The way his upper arm muscles curl. The way the wind is playing with his hair.

Then he moves onto the selfies. To his shock, he discovers that, in most of them, Phil’s not looking at the camera. He’s looking at Dan. But it’s the fondness that floors Dan, the sheer look he’s got in his eyes as he’s staring at him. He knows it, he recognises it because it’s the same fondness his eyes have when he’s looking at Phil. He walks to Phil as he keeps looking at the pictures and then...

Things slow down and speed up at once. Dan puts his phone in his back pocket while he says Phil’s name. Phil turns, but Dan’s already grabbing his forearm, pulling him closer.

This time, he doesn’t hesitate. This time, he knows he won’t get rejected. He knows it’s the right moment and the right time. Actually, everything’s perfect. He pulls Phil even closer and the last thing Dan sees is a soft, encouraging smile on his lips.


	15. Dan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a bit different, but I hope you'll enjoy it

Dan’s first kiss was during the summer when he turned 14. It was shit. He didn’t even know the girl. He was out with his friends on a Friday evening in a park, not too far from their school. One of his friend’s brother got them some awful cider that was too bitter and too dry. Dan tried it but didn’t like it. He just watched his friends getting drunk (or more precisely, pretending to be drunk on the Sainsbury’s own brand drink) because he enjoyed laughing at them. Another friend of his brought some of her friends along and in that group was the girl who ended up being his first kiss. Dan doesn’t even remember her name. She sat next to him, her bare knees bumping against Dan’s.

Dan was  _ mesmerised.  _ By her naked legs, her short dress, deep cut on the front. One of the thin straps falling off her shoulder. She had lovely tanned skin as if she had just returned from Spain. She kept looking at him and he kept looking at her tits. His hormones were raging and he couldn’t stop staring.

An hour later, he got pins and needles so he got up and went for a walk. Only the girl followed her. They sat on a park bench, away from the others and talked. About what, Dan isn’t sure, but he remembers finding her interesting. Then about five minutes later, she kissed him. First, it was a soft peck, before it got hotter and wetter. Dan knew it wasn’t a good kiss. He also didn’t know what to do with his arms, until the girl reached over and put it on her thigh. A couple of seconds later she grabbed his wrist and put it on her boob.

Soon, his friends began whistling and screaming. Dan let go of her and she went back to join her friends with a giggle. However, he just kept sitting there. His mind was blown because that was more than he expected. But also, it was shit. His lower face was wet and he didn’t really enjoy the kiss. She was nice and all, had a nice smile, but there was something in his heart that just wasn’t right. He kept having thoughts when he was alone in the darkness of his room. His parents didn’t bother him and he could hear his little brother playing video games so he had time to think. To overthink, even.

The kiss wasn’t good. But at least he knew what kissing was like, what touching a girl’s boobs was like. Even if he wasn’t completely happy.

His second kiss was better. It was only two weeks later, the last Friday before the school year started again. He was, once again, sat in the park with his friends. The same people, the same alcohol. This time, the cider was a bit nicer, not as bitter, even though it was the same brand. 

A friend of his sat next to him. He’d known her for years. She only lived a couple of streets away and they often walked home from school together. She was lovely. Isla talked to him like a normal person and she didn’t treat him like a freak. Everyone else did, but not him. Dan kept getting called different names or he was bullied, but Isla was there for him.

So on that evening, after half of the group left, they also started walking home. He was less of a chicken back then, probably fuelled by hormones, before his depression fully kicked in. But he reached for her hand and she let him hold it. He walked her home and when they were nearly there, he stopped her and kissed her. She smiled and Dan knew it was okay. 

They began dating shortly after. She was his first in so many ways: his first proper kiss, his first make-out session, his first handjob. They experienced so many things together, only to break up when they went to university. Isla went to Bristol. Dan went to Manchester. 

His first kiss with a guy was at university, at the age of 19. He was with his friends at a pub, having a great night on vodka Tuesday. The thoughts he had when he was 14 grew bigger and stronger until it wasn’t just an idea in the back of his mind, but rather a part of him. He knew he liked girls, but he also knew he fancied boys. 

So on that Tuesday, after his third double vodka coke in half an hour, he saw him. They were both drunk, so Dan forgot the guy's name quickly. At first, they just kept looking at each other, Dan sat on a couch with his friends, the guy at a table with his group. 

At some point, Dan went for a piss. He was on his way to getting wasted, as a normal university student does on a Tuesday with a 9 am class the next morning. He stumbled into the loo and it was empty. He went to a urinal, and unzipped his jeans and tried to stay upright as he relieved himself. Then he felt a body standing next to his. He looked up and met with the gaze of the stranger he’s been eye-fucking all night.

The stranger looked down and cocked an eyebrow. After he looked back at Dan, he pointed towards the cubicles. Dan zipped his trousers and followed him.

The kiss was just that: a kiss. It was frantic, it was hot and heavy, but Dan definitely enjoyed the roughness of the guy’s scruff against his chin. He liked how strong his hands were against his hips. And Dan wanted more, but not in a pub’s toilet.

Soon they heard voices and a couple of very drunk and loud lads came in. Sure, Dan was drunk, but he still knew what would happen if they were found. So Dan and the stranger kept quiet until the lads left. He said thanks to the guy and sneaked out. He never saw him again after that.

His first boyfriend was a year later. He had a couple of one night stands here and there, with girls and guys, but they just didn’t feel right. He went on a couple of dates, but it either ended in disaster or a pathetic, almost pity shag.

He met Declan after dropping out of uni. Dan was still living at home, but he was commuting to work. He had a job at a small stationery shop that was utterly boring and soul-sucking. What he did was nothing but a routine. He helped customers, opened boxes, stayed late to clean up. He went home, had a small chat with his mum before falling asleep because he was exhausted. The next day it began again.

Sometimes it was a bit better. Sometimes he woke up in a better mood, or he found a seat on the train. Sometimes a kid would come in and hand him a drawing after trying out a pen. Of course, then Dan didn’t know what he was feeling wasn’t normal. 

It was Declan who, eventually, guided him towards therapy. They met at the stationery shop. Dan noticed that he kept coming back, but never really bought anything. He thought the guy was just bored. But once, he did buy. He bought a fancy fountain pen and expensive paper with equally expensive envelope. The next day, he came back and handed Dan a letter. He left in a hurry and Dan could only open it during his break.

As Dan read more, the nicer he felt. The letter explained that no, he wasn’t a stalker he just fancied Dan, but he wasn’t sure if Dan fancied him or if he fancied guys at all. It also explained that he was rather shy so he wasn’t really sure how to talk to Dan. But he left his number. 

Dan took a couple of minutes to write a message. Eventually, he settled on a very elegant and sophisticated ‘hey :)’ before remembering that the guy would get a random message, so he wrote a follow-up, saying it was Dan from the shop. Then they started texted. They texted all day, even when Dan was out on the shop floor. He sat behind his till and when there were no customers to serve, he looked at his phone to type a witty reply.

He liked him. A lot. Declan was funny and smart, matching Dan’s quick wit. It was easy to talk to him. 

They agreed to meet for a drink that evening after Dan finished work. It wasn’t very glorious, Dan still in his work clothes. But Declan didn’t care. They sat at a cosy and quiet table in the corner and chatted for hours. The point wasn’t to get drunk, but they still drank enough for the conversation to flow nicely.

Out of the blue, Declan invited Dan back to his flat he shared with his mates. Dan didn’t mind because he really liked him. The friends didn’t care that Declan was bringing a bloke back, nor did they care that Declan shagged Dan loudly, headboard bumping against the wall. He might’ve been shy and reserved during the day, in bed, however, he was anything but. He gave Dan orgasms Isla couldn’t.

At first, it all seemed good. They went out on dates, they made out, they had fantastic sex. They did weekend getaways, had fun. Dan was happy. 

Then he wasn’t.

Dan started slowly distancing himself from Declan for whatever reason. He liked him and he tried to fall in love with him, but he just couldn’t. Slowly, their relationship became bad. It wasn’t good anymore, it wasn’t working for Dan and it wasn’t working for Declan. Dan avoided Declan more and more and when they were together, he just pretended it was someone else. He still cared about him and he never wanted to hurt him, but he did. Their relationship suffered a break and they couldn’t recover from it. They broke up, but only after Declan told Dan to get help because he needed it. He told Dan that he needs to speak to someone, anyone, about his mental health because he wouldn’t open up to him. After they went separate ways, Dan started seeing a therapist. 

Over the years, Dan’s had many kisses. Good and bad, memorable and never-again. He’s had fantastic dates and great sex, but he’s also had disastrous ones. He has memories he wants to remember when he is 90 (although he knows he wouldn’t live to 90) and feelings he wants to remember having. He wants to remember all his partners, be it romantic or platonic, be it sex or dating. He wants to remember all the first kisses he’s had because he knows they are the best. He likes first kisses and he thought he had a favourite.

Until…

Until Corfu.

Until Phil.


	16. Day 7 - Corfu

Nothing has changed, yet everything has. Dan’s whole world changed. As soon as his lips crash against Phil, as soon as his fingers find their place in Phil's hair, as soon as Phil’s hand cups Dan’s jaw, Dan knows. This is how it’s supposed to be, how it’s supposed to feel. He finds himself transported to a different world, where the rules are good, the stars are aligned, where nothing will ever hurt. Everything falls into place instantly.

The kiss starts softly and slowly, the build-up of the past few days reaching its culmination. It’s almost hesitant as if Dan’s not sure. He’s sure of himself and the kiss and the fact that he wants to be kissing Phil very much. It’s just Phil he is not sure of. He doesn’t want to freak him out. Balancing on the edge of a knife, Dan doesn’t want to pull or push him. But when Phil kisses back, without wasting a single second, Dan’s heart feels it. That feeling he had just moments ago, when he was clinging onto Phil, only gets heightened. This is where they’re supposed to be, on top of a lighthouse in Corfu, kissing. 

It’s one of those romantic kisses that are in Dan’s favourite films. It’s a kiss that easily leaves Dan breathless and thoughtless. He’s holding onto Phil, the heel of his palm resting against Phil’s neck as his fingers get more and more tangled in his hair. He pulls away from the kiss, just for half a second, only to dive right back in, nose against nose, lips against lips.

Five seconds pass, maybe five hours. Eventually, Dan gets a little dizzy from the lack of oxygen. He moves his head but never leaves that sacred, intimate bubble. Dan doesn’t look at Phil, because he’s worried any kind of fallout that may come after this spontaneity. But also, he can’t stop smiling.

However, the backlash doesn’t come. Instead, Phil puts his index finger underneath Dan’s chin and lifts his head. forcing Dan to look into his eyes. He’s smiling as well and he looks very pretty. There are lines in the corners of his eyes. As the sun reflects on the sea, the light brings out the green, blue and yellow. Fuck, Phil is so beautiful. Dan is about to have a meltdown just because he’s stood so close to him when he sees the faint, but definitely lighter roots underneath Phil’s black dye. In fact, that’s the last thing he sees, because then Phil’s kissing him again. Time doesn’t stop at the first kiss. It stops at the second because it’s not hesitant anymore. There are no questions, no doubts, no what-ifs, no buts. It’s nothing but a kiss with a person Dan so clearly and so certainly fancies. 

If Dan could only choose one activity for the rest of his life, it would be kissing Phil. It simply floors him how transported he feels, how lost he gets in the kiss. His arms are wrapped around Phil’s neck and Phil’s got his arms around Dan, holding him close. Phil’s a great kisser to something as little and as insignificant as time doesn’t really matter. He just likes being held and kissed by Phil. For now, that’s all he wants to do.

But his stomach starts growling, quite loudly in fact, demanding food. Phil grins and gives Dan an open-mouthed kiss on the corner of his mouth.

“Are you hungry, perhaps?”

“Shut up,” Dan mumbles, his hands gripping Phil’s t-shirt. If they stood any closer, they’d be morphing into each other. Dan reckons with them, that’s possible.

“We’ve barely done anything yet you’re starving. I wonder how hungry you get after a night of uh…” Dan blinks rapidly. Despite the heat, there’s a shiver running up and down his spine. Phil bites into his lip, but he can’t contain his smile. “After a night of sleep, obviously,” he says, but he wiggles his eyebrows.

“You’re such a dork.” Dan laughs and shoves at Phil’s shoulder. Phil pulls him in for a hug and Dan takes a moment to take it all in. He wants to remember. Them, on top of a lighthouse in Corfu, after their first kiss that was more than perfection, hugging and bantering.

“Food?”

“Food.” Dan, sadly, steps away. “Maybe food will be our always.”

“Who’s the dork now?”

They begin their ascend. Dan feels like he could jump from the tower and come out with no broken bones because everything is just great. He feels like he’s floating on a cloud.

Once they’re down, Dan sadly says goodbye to the lighthouse. With the help of the map on his phone, they start walking back to the town centre, to find a restaurant. After about a minute of walking, Phil suddenly stops in his tracks. Dan looks at him and he’s looking very confused.

“Phil? Everything alright?”

“No, something is off…” he says, and Dan’s stomach sinks. He starts to think that Phil realised that it was a mistake. He knew it. He shouldn’t have. He felt too positive, too happy about it. But then Phil grins, and reaches for Dan’s hand, linking their fingers together. “There. Now it’s much better.” He also pulls him in for a quick kiss which, Dan is sure, is the current cause of his death.

They never let go. Not when they have to cross the street (‘That’s the only place we definitely cannot, no matter what happens’, says Phil with a cheeky smile.) nor when a child tries to run between them. Instead, they lift their linked hands, allowing the kid to continue his conquest of chasing imagined dragons.

The town centre is bursting with life. Tourists and locals, old and young. It’s loud, it’s busy, but it’s perfect. They find a restaurant, hidden from the main streets, only accessed by a laneway. There are tables outside, covered with red and white checkered table clothes and wrought iron chairs and parasols. They even have a view of the sea lying behind the white buildings. It all just looks so idyllic. Plus, there are only a few people around and Dan welcomes the fact that it’s not crowded with open arms. Right now, he just wants to be alone with Phil. Preferably kissing him, but that can wait.

Phil smiles at the green plants in the concrete planters, Dan notices. He wants to remember this, the fact the here’s this grown man but he’s so fond of the little, insignificant things. 

They sit, but Dan already knows what he wants to eat. He can’t leave Greece without eating a Greek salad. Phil orders that, too. They also ask for water, which the waiter serves with lemon and orange and ice cubes shaped like olives. He brings them breadsticks, neatly organised in a wicker basket and large olives, both green and black in a separate dish. While they wait for their salads, Phil keeps studying Dan’s face with concern. That only makes things worse, and it makes Dan fidget in his seat.

He anxiously nibbles on a piece of bread for a couple of long seconds. Finally, he breaks. “Something’s wrong.”

Phil’s face immediately softens and reaches for Dan’s free hand across the table. “No, everything’s fine. More than fine. It’s just… I keep thinking that you’ll change your mind about me.”

Dan knows he shouldn’t, but he still laughs. “No, you dinkus. As it seems like, currently there are two things I can think about: whatever city we’re in and you.” Phil blushes as a bit. “There’s no one like you and I like that. I like you.”

Phil squeezes Dan’s hand and starts running his thumb across the back of it. “I like you, too. I’m glad we met.”

“Ah, young love,” their waiter says with a thick Greek accent. He brought their dinner and place the two bowls in front of them with a smile. “There is nothing like young love. It’s beauty. Enjoy.”

Dan chuckles once they’re on their own. “I like him.”

They eat in relative silence, but Dan can’t hold back the moans. The tomatoes are perfectly sunkissed and juicy, the cucumber is crisp and the feta cheese is the best he’s ever had. Dan uses the bread to mop up the olive oil and he doesn’t even care that it dribbles down onto his chin.

“Don’t do that,” Phil whispers when they’re halfway through their meal. “The… sounds you make, they’re very distracting.”

Dan cocks an eyebrow. With his fork, he pierces through the skin of a tomato wedge and puts it in his mouth. Along with it, he moans exaggeratedly which backfires and comes out as a very pained groan.

They laugh. Phil bumps his foot against Dan’s and keeps it there. Banter and flirting with Phil has never been easier.

Once their salads are gone, Phil insists on paying. Dan feels the tingling around his heart as Phil hands over a couple of notes and tells the waiter to keep the change. He still can’t believe he met this gorgeous man who treats him this good. His crush is growing by the minute, wanting to be felt.

Their stroll towards the shuttle is lazy, unrushed. They are, once again, holding hands. Dan never wants to let go. He enjoys how close he is to Phil, how protected he feels. He likes Phil’s thumb on the back of his hand, his fingers mixed with his. 

They walk past a souvenir shop. Dan doesn’t really fancy those, but he knows he has to get something. It’s nestled between two story-houses, a small building with wooden windows and white shutters. He pulls Phil into the tiny store, then letting go of his hand, he begins browsing. There are brilliantly shining glass statues, cards featuring the town and the island, t-shirts, painted pictures, necklaces. Everything and anything in between, whatever a tourist could fancy.

Dan’s just spoilt for choice. He wants to get something that will remind him of Corfu, of his first kiss with Phil when he’s back in London, back in his cubicle. He wants something that’s sentimental enough. He finds a postcard of the lighthouse and some magnets as well. He only buys one of those; after all, his fridge has limited space.

He also finds a small wooden figure, of two dolphins. He reads the small card to find that the statue is made of olive tree wood. He also adds that to the collection. There’s also a small stuffed teddy wearing an “I love Corfu” t-shirt so he gets that for Darcy and a seashell bracelet for Louise.

They pay shortly afterwards. Phil got nothing but fridge magnets. A lot of them. “Some are for me, some are for my mum. But my brother gets none,” he explains. Dan just smiles at him, because somehow, this is the most Phil thing ever. “Okay, most are for me,” he admits.

By the time they leave, it’s almost time for them to head back to the ship and say goodbye to Corfu. Once they’re outside, Phil reaches for his hand again. He smiles at Dan and starts leading him through the crowd.

Before coming on this cruise, Dan would’ve thought his favourite stop would be either Dubrovnik or Venice. Sure, he was looking forward to it all, but when he applied for the competition he didn’t even imagine meeting someone like Phil, let alone Phil himself. He didn’t imagine he would find someone kind and funny and just as nerdy and awkward as him, yet he did. He met Phil and the world changed for the better. 

So Dan stops, almost pulling Phil back, his plastic bag of goodies bumping against his thigh. Phil gives him a quizzical look.

“Can I kiss you?” Dan asks quietly, his voice getting lost in the sea of murmurs around them.

Phil steps closer and cups Dan’s face with one hand. Dan wishes they didn’t have the white plastic bags so he could do it with both hands. “You never have to ask that.”

He kisses Dan. This time, it’s not as frightened, not as awkward. But it’s even more magical. Dan doesn’t know why, but Phil’s kisses keep knocking him off his feet. He kisses back, grabbing onto Phil’s shirt, never wanting to let go.

But they have to. They have a cruise ship waiting for them and 9 more days. Dan doesn’t even dare to think about the after. For now, he really wants to enjoy their time together, so he shoves those thoughts under a rug.

“Let’s go back. We should have some Pimm’s,” Dan suggests, taking a step back. This time, it’s him reaching for Phil’s hand. “I think we deserve that.”

“You know I think that’s the best idea you had today.”

“Oh, yeah? You think?”

“Of course,” Phil bumps against his shoulder. “The rest was a bit… eh.”

Dan laughs. “Yeah, I think so, too.”

They make it back to the shuttle bus without getting lost. Dan considers that an achievement. The two of them even manage to get seats in the back, like the cool kids they are.

“I never want to be without A/C,” Phil sighs, turning his face towards the cold breeze.

Dan stares at him. He thinks he’s allowed to marvel at Phil’s beauty now. He studies the curvature of his throat and his Adam’s apple, the small smile on his lips and the way his quiff gets ruffled by air. 

“I think you got a bit sunburnt,” Dan says, kind of to justify his staring. “Your nose.”

Phil wiggles his nose like a bunny and Dan’s heart beats just a little bit faster. Phil looks at him and he looks like he wants to say something, but then he reaches for his pocket. His face goes white. “Sorry, I gotta take this,” he says before taking a big breath and answers the call. Dan tries not to listen, but he’s curious. Phil’s sounding too formal and too nervous for this to be a social call. “Hey, Poppy. No, yeah, that’s fine, I’m in Corfu right now.” Phil listens for a couple of seconds. Dan tries to make out what this mysterious Poppy is saying, but the engine and the A/C are too loud. “No, it’s… it’s going. Somewhere. I don’t know, I’m just…” He looks at Dan who pretends to be really busy with his own social media. “Listen, I’ll call you in a bit, okay? Yeah, okay, bye then.” Phil sighs and pockets his phone, silently murmuring beneath his nose. “Sorry, uh… work.”

“Your boss? Does she know you’re on a cruise?”

Phil opens his mouth, then closes it and nods. “It’s fine,” Phil says, but his eyes are glued to his phone. Dan wonders what he really wanted to say.

When they’re back on the ship, on Deck B, they part ways. Dan needs to have a shower and Phil has a business call to take. But Phil kisses him as a goodbye outside of his room before walking away with a smile.

Once he’s inside in the solitude of his room, it takes a lot of self-restraint to keep himself from screaming or dancing or maybe both. Instead, he falls into bed, staring at his ceiling. He’s grinning. His cheeks hurt because he’s grinning that wide. He… he hasn’t been this happy in months if not years.

He still feels Phil’s fingers tangled around his as he pulls him through the crowd. He feels like the girl in those photos where she was leading her photographer boyfriend to adventures. He feels like the world’s luckiest guy right now. He knows it’s stupid, they only met a couple of days ago, but he really feels incredibly fortunate. To be on this cruise, to be in Greece, to have met Phil. And Jimmy of course, because they would be so lost without him. But it’s mostly Phil.

He also feels Phil’s lips against his, kissing him softly, kissing him needily, kissing him because he can. He wants more of those, the kisses that take his breath away. He knows that not every kiss has to be life-changing, but Dan feels like their kisses are.

He’s still grinning like an idiot 15 minutes later when he’s in the shower. He sets the temperature of the water colder than he normally would. It feels good against his skin, washing away the sweat of the day. He told Phil he’d knock on his door when he’s done with the shower, but he doesn’t want to be clingy. He doesn’t want this to get toxic. That’s pretty high on his fear-list right now. So he doesn’t rush with his shower and he doesn’t rush with the wank under the stream.

Is it bad? That he’s already having a wank, imagining Phil. Actually, it’s the second time in a couple of days. The first time it was just a passing thought as he dragged his hand along his dick, but this time, it’s way more than that. He imagines Phil to be standing next to him, under the stream, his black hair wet and slicked back. He imagines Phil smiling at him as he leans in, kissing the sweet life out of Dan. He imagines his hand on his dick, never letting go of him.

Dan comes moaning Phil’s name and he’s not even ashamed of it. But it does leave him wanting more, something he doesn’t think he can have. Yet.

When he’s done, he loosely wraps himself in a super soft towel and sits on his bed. He’s tired, but it’s happy exhaustion. He saw a gorgeous place with a gorgeous man and they had a fantastic day together. So he’s just sat on his bed, smiling to himself.

He looks at his bedside table. He gets his book from the drawer and reads a couple of pages. Everything seems to be going amazingly for Sebastian and Tobias. They’re flirting and slowly falling in love. Dan feels the excitement as he reads about them heading towards their first kiss.

When he realises he’s cold, he’s been sitting half-naked on his bed for the past 30 minutes reading the book. He hides it underneath the pillow and he hurries to get dressed. Maybe before drinks, he’ll go and check the shops.

Once he’s dressed (black chinos and black shirt), there’s a knock on his door. Ms Lopes came for her daily dose of pictures. He smiles at her and hopes he managed to hide his disappointment.

When he’s done, he heads out, towards Phil’s room. It’s not dinner time yet, but people are walking around dressed up for dinner. He avoids a family matching in red and white.

He knocks on Phil’s door, but there’s no answer. He looks around, wondering if he knocked on the wrong door, but he’s in the right place. So he tries again.

This time, Phil opens the door. His hair is messy and there are pen marks on his cheeks. He looks grumpy until he sees who’s there; a wide grin spreads across his lips and his eyes turn from dull to shining. “Dan!”

“Is this a bad time?” Dan blinks as he takes in Phil, in all his glory. Apart from the hair and all, he’s wearing a seemingly old, almost moth-eaten, pale blue t-shirt and black boxers. He wasn’t expecting guests, but he doesn’t seem to be fazed by the fact that Dan is seeing him like this. “I can come back.”

“No, that’s okay, I’m just…” Phil sighs. He takes a look at his room, before turning back. “Trying to work. And failing.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Dan reaches out and he puts his hand on Phil’s upper arm. There’s a slight static charge (imagined or otherwise) where Dan’s fingers touch his skin. “Tell you what. Get dressed, we’ll have a drink and you can vent.”

“It’s… Complicated. I don’t know how much I can tell you, but a drink sounds good.” Phil shakes his head like he’s waking up from a dream. “Sorry, come in.” He steps aside and lets Dan in, only to realise his work is all over the bed. And on the floor. And all possible furniture. “Shit, sorry.”

Phil starts frantically cleaning, tidying papers and loose notes. Then Dan grabs his wrist and stops him. “Phil, look at me.” He does, looking all puppy-eyed. “What’s up?”

“There’s a deadline. Sort of. It was supposed to be today but I kinda… forgot.”

“It’s okay, things happen. Have you talked to your boss?”

“Yeah. She’s the one who sent me on this, so she understands, but it’s just… I have this immense fear of failure. I’ve worked so hard for this, it’s my dream job and I don’t want to lose it.”

Dan pulls Phil’s hands closer until he’s able to pin Phil’s wrists to his chest. “Everything will be fine. You’re on holiday. She should know this.”

“I know, but I just can’t stop thinking…”

“You can.” Dan understands Phil’s frustration because he’s the same. For years, he didn’t have work/life balance, until one day when he stopped caring. Others do the bare minimum, so all Dan has to do was the bare minimum as well. His only goal is to not get fired. “You’re on a cruise. You should be upstairs, drinking Mai Tai after Mai Tai and getting sunburnt. You should be hanging out with me.” Dan bites into his lip for a second before continuing. “You should be making out with me.” He blushes as he says that, but it has the desired effect: Phil starts laughing.

“You’re right. I know you’re right and trust me, I’d rather be making out with you.” He kisses the tip of Dan’s nose. “Give me 5 minutes to get dressed.”

Phil steps away, leaving Dan to his own devices. He picks out an outfit before disappearing in the bathroom.

Dan’s curious to see what Phil’s job looks like. Making sure that Phil can’t see him, he walks to his bed and looks at the papers. There are names and places and what looks like itineraries. Without context, it doesn’t really make sense, but Dan also knows that it doesn’t really look like the job of an editor.

He then sees a small yellow Post-it. The writing is messy, so it takes Dan for a second or two to make it out. It reads  _ ‘Mason Sade could’ve done anything in the world. He was handsome, young and, most importantly, rich.’  _ with question marks around it. Dan furrows his brows before jumping away as the bathroom door opens.

Phil looks stunning. The pen streaks are gone, his hair is combed and neat. He’s wearing black trousers and a dark blue short sleeve shirt with small pugs on it.

“That is so Phil,” Dan tells him with a small smile.

“Thanks.” Phil steps closer to him and places a soft kiss on his lips.

Dan wonders if they should have a chat about it, about today. He wonders if he’s reading too much into it or maybe too little. Should they talk about whatever they’re doing and whatever they’re heading towards? Dan doesn’t even have any ideas, to be honest, so he doesn’t know if a chat would do any good for them. So he drops it for now.

The Citrine Bar on Sun Deck is as busy as it can be. With most people now back from the day excursion, they’re seeking cold drinks under the parasols. Still, Dan and Phil manage to get a table just as a couple leaves.

“I wonder where Jimmy is,” Dan thinks aloud, before turning towards Phil. “So, Pimm’s? My treat.”

“You don’t have to, I can…”

“Phil.”

He rolls his eyes. “Alright, fine.”

“Be right back.”

There’s a queue in front of the bar, but Dan gets through quickly. He’s then greeted by the familiar face of Mina, who smiles at him.

“Hey!” She leans closer and talks quietly so that only Dan can hear it. “Finally, a friendly customer.”

“Well, on behalf of my… What are they called? Cruise mates? Travel partners?”

Mina laughs. “I’d say fellow passengers.”

“Yeah, that works. On behalf of my fellow passengers, I sincerely apologise.”

“Apology accepted. So what can I get ya? The Sad Nerd?”

Dan blushes a bit. “Still a nerd, but no longer so sad.”

Mina cocks an eyebrow and ignores the rest of her duties and customers. She instead grabs a glass and starts cleaning it, pretending to be working. “Oh? Do tell.”

Dan turns backwards to point at Phil, who’s now immersed in his phone. “This nerd is crushing on that nerd.”

“Well done, dude! Good for you.”

“Two Pimm’s. We’re going posh. Ish.” 

“Alright, let’s swipe your card and I’ll bring it to you.”

“Thanks.”

When Dan returns to him, Phil looks up with a bright smile. Dan determines that he looks even better in black sunglasses. He knows he’s staring and Phil knows, too, but they’re beyond caring.

The Sun is shining up above them, the air is warm and the gentle sea breeze is refreshing. They’re sitting on top of a luxury cruise ship. Dan’s happy and he’s with Phil. And he is, indeed, crushing on him. Life is good. Very good.


	17. Day 7 - Corfu

After their third Pimm’s, the giggling is obnoxious. Dan knows that, but then again, he doesn’t care. They’re sitting opposite, not next to each other. Under the table, they’re playing footsie as they’re chatting about their childhood.

“So you’re saying you sang Barbie Girl and drank champagne,” Phil snickers. “What an awesome childhood.”

“Oi!” Dan puts his, now empty, glass down. “Your first word was light. I don’t think you can give me shit.”

“You know I’d love to see you perform Barbie Girl.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “So you just want to see me as I embarrass myself.”

“I mean, you do that just by walking.”

Dan gasps. “You did not!” He shoves Phil’s foot with his own. “To be fair, that’s true, but still.”

Phil laughs and down the rest of his drink. They left port about half an hour ago and now Corfu is slowly getting smaller in the background. Dan is sad to say goodbye to it because he had such a great time. At the same time, he’s looking forward to the future because it’ll only be so much better.”

“This is fun,” Phil says softly. “I really like hanging out with you. It might just be the alcohol talking.”

“It’s definitely the alcohol.”

“No, I mean drunk you is funny and giggly.”

“And I’m so unbearable when we’re both sober.”

“You most certainly are.” He smiles at Dan, all fond and caring and Dan can’t stop with the crushing. He doesn’t want to, though.

“There you are!” A voice says. Dan turns to see Jimmy walking towards them, looking happy and exhausted. And he’s not alone, Leo’s with him who’s looking just as happy and just as exhausted. “We’ve been looking for you for hours! We’ve been worried sick!”

Leo scoffs. “Not true. We started about 5 minutes ago.”

“Oh come on, let me have this!” Jimmy takes one chair and Leo takes the other. “So how was your day, boys? Explore Corfu a bit?”

In that moment, Dan decides not to tell Jimmy about it. Not because he’s ashamed or because he doesn’t want to. He wants to shout it from the rooftops, or, well, the uppermost deck. It’s not even that he wants to keep it to himself, to treasure it more. It’s just that this is not the right time and place. Besides, Dan knows he and Phil will continue to act like they’ve been acting all day: flirting shamelessly, holding hands and kissing at every opportunity. Jimmy will know, then later Dan can do some screaming about it.

“Yeah, we walked around for a bit,” Phil says, seemingly reading Dan’s thoughts. “Had lunch, got some souvenirs, then we came back. What about you?”

“Same,” Jimmy replies nonchalantly. Too nonchalantly.

“Another round before dinner?” Dan asks because he wants to question Jimmy. Also to do said screaming.

“Sounds good,” Phil smiles at him.

“Jimmy, give me a hand, please?”

They head towards the bar. There are fewer people now, seeing as most of them are at dinner. Mina’s gone, it’s another bartender. They order yet another round of Pimm’s, but this time, they decide to wait for it.

“So?” Jimmy says, wiggling his eyebrows. “How was your day?”

Dan melts and he can’t keep it together. He grins because he’s allowed. “Good. Really good, Jimmy. We had ice cream then I found online this lighthouse and we went up and…”

“Dan! Tell me you didn’t chicken out.”

Dan shakes his head. It actually feels pretty nice to have a friend who’s extremely enthusiastic about this. “I didn’t. I kissed him.” He can just about to refrain himself from doing an awkward little dance.

“Oh my god, that’s great! Are you happy? Please tell me you’re happy?”

“So fucking happy.”

“Romcom happy?”

Dan turns back to look at Phil who’s talking to Leo about something. He’s using big and wide arm movements as he usually does. The small, happy monster holding his feelings for Phil in Dan’s heart grows a little bit bigger. “Even happier. The happiest of happy.”

Jimmy laughs. “Okay, now happy just stopped being a word.”

“Fair enough. So what about you?” Dan asks, feeling just as excited. He loves love, be it his or a friend’s. “How was your date with Leo?”

Jimmy sighs. He’s got a dreamy smile on his face. “He’s great. He’s so bloody fantastic. He’s so understanding and caring and he’s a good one.”

“You deserve happiness, Jimmy.”

“You too, Dan. We’re gonna hang out tonight again, I think.”

“Hang out or  _ hang out _ ?”

“Dan! I’m a gentleman!”

But Jimmy winks at him, so Dan knows it’s the latter.

“I’m so happy for you, he seems lovely,” Dan says, putting his hand on Jimmy’s forearm. He gives it a little squeeze. “I think he likes you, so you’re good.”

“You think?”

“I know”

They get their drinks and return to the table. This time, without even talking about it, Dan sits next to Phil and Jimmy sits next to Leo.

“You okay?” Phil reaches across to Dan, asking him quietly. He squeezes his hand and doesn’t let go afterwards.

“Yeah.” Jimmy and Leo are having a deep conversation about potted plants so they’re not paying attention to them. “Don’t get weirded out when I say this, but… You make me very happy.”

Phil smiles, small lines appearing in the corners of his eyes. “You do too, Dan.”

Dan quietly fake gags. “So cheesy.”

“It really is, but what’s life without a little cheesy.” Phil chuckles. “Speaking of, I hate cheese.”

This time, Dan doesn’t have to pretend his shock. “How can you dislike cheese?”

“I don’t know, it just tastes kind of gross.”

“You’re a weird one.”

For the next 20 minutes, the four of them talk about the  _ Game of Thrones. _ They agree to meet at half 8 for breakfast before heading out as soon as possible to see Dubrovnik.

Once their drinks are gone, they go separate ways again. Jimmy and Leo decide to get something from the grill bar whereas Dan and Phil head down to Ruby which is hosting a Greek evening.

Even before they get there, Dan can smell the dinner. He’s hungry and hasn’t had anything to eat since the salad, so the four Pimm’s are making him quite a bit tipsy.

“It smells so good,” Phil says when they’re sat at their table. There’s quiet Greek music playing and the tables are decorated in blue and white. There is already some cubes of delicious nougat in a bowl on the table. Dan munches on one as he browses the menu, but eventually settles on moussaka. “Should we get an antipasto platter?”

“I think I had enough olives for a lifetime.”

Phil chuckles. “Sounds about right. But I’m not leaving until we get some kind of dessert.”

“You and your sweet mouth.”

“Yep, after all, it’s like kissing you.”

Dan rolls his eyes. Phil is  _ very  _ flirty and Dan likes it a whole lot. “Dork.”

They order their food and eat the nougat while they wait. Dan’s looking around and sees the people genuinely enjoying the Greek evening at the restaurant.

“Just so you know,” Phil says quietly, “that I’m not usually like this. I don’t… know how to flirt and I just usually say the bad thing. I can’t sweet talk, at all.”

“You seem to be fine with me.”

“That’s the thing.” Phil reaches across the table and takes Dan’s hand. “It’s you. You’re there and suddenly I say the craziest stuff and for some reason, it works.”

Dan’s glad that it’s working. He wants to tell Phil that he should never stop because he’s enjoying it.

“You’re doing perfectly fine. I’m enjoying your flirting very much, gotta say.” Dan answers with a smile. He can’t seem to stop smiling. He’s really a goner for Phil, isn’t he? He continues a couple of seconds later. “After dinner, wanna watch Game of Thrones? I have the first season, might as well prepare for tomorrow.” He uses that as his excuse, but in reality, he’d like to cuddle Phil a hell of a lot more.

“Such a nerd,” Phil laughs then nods. 

They thank their waiter as he brings their food over, then they finish their meal in relative silence. This is probably the fourth time Dan’s had moussaka, but by far this is the best. Phil had that one too, although his was with lamb compared to Dan’s vegetarian one. 

“I’m stuffed,” Dan pats his tummy. 

“Yeah, this was really good.” Phil leans back, trying to catch his breath.

They spend a minute in silence. Dan is sipping his red wine which, with his non-existent expertise in wines, he determines to be excellent.

“So, almost a week passed. Do you like this trip?”

“I do, yeah.” Phil smiles in a way that Dan just instantly knows what he means exactly. “I’ll be honest, when Poppy booked this trip, I objected, given my motion sickness. I was still arguing with her when she shoved my stuff into the car just before I left, even though I knew Dubrovnik was on the itinerary. But I really do love it here.”

“Poppy, is she your boss?”

Phil pauses. “She’s very bossy, yeah. It’s just who she is. I love her to bits, but she’s very bossy.”

“I don’t know where you work, but can I come, too? Your job sounds like a dream compared to mine.”

“I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

Dan scoffs and starts pushing a bit of leftover mash on his plate with his fork. “I once got yelled at for using two staples on a document. I think you win.”

“Alright, that’s fair. Why don’t you quit then?”

“Can’t afford to.” Dan shrugs and puts his fork down. “Enough work talk. Is it okay if we skip dessert for now? We can order something later through room service.”

“Yeah, I might go for a run on the top deck,” Phil says nonchalantly before laughing. “Who are we kidding?”

“I didn’t even believe you.” Dan stands and holds out his hand for Phil to take it. “This is going to be really cheesy, but jammies and Game of Thrones?”

Phil stands with a smile, then leans in to steal a kiss. “Sounds like my kind of evening.”

Twenty minutes later, they’re in Dan’s bed. It’s a very warm evening, so they have no need for the duvet. Instead, they’re using it as extra pillows. The laptop is settled on Phil’s thighs as Dan cuddles up to him. He doesn’t know if it’s weird or if it’s too much, but he has no time or patience for those kinds of questions.

He really does enjoy spending time with Phil. Dan finds him a kind and dorky person. He knows that his jokes don’t always work, but he still finds those moments funny. Also, as a bonus point, Phil swapped his contacts for his glasses, which just sends sparks through Dan’s heart - and other body parts.

An episode later (they watched pilot, saying that might as well start from the beginning), Dan stretches against Phil’s side. He looks up as Phil stares down at him, then he goes in for the kiss.

Now they truly have the time. The episode continues playing in the background, but Dan just keeps kissing Phil until his neck aches. Instead of stopping, Phil reaches for Dan’s wrist, pulling him upwards. 

Within seconds, Dan’s sitting on his heels next to Phil. He deepens the kiss by grazing his teeth against Phil’s lower lip and then licking into his mouth. Phil cups the back of Dan’s neck and moans into the kiss.

This sends a shiver down Dan’s back. He grabs onto Phil’s thigh as leverage or at least he tries to, but he misses it. Instead, his palm comes to rest on Phil’s groin and he can just about make out the shape of Phil’s dick through the fabric of his shorts.

Dan takes a sharp breath as he breaks the kiss and moves his hand. He blushes and looks away. He doesn’t even dare to speak. It also doesn’t help that it’s circling his mind, sending very obvious signals down to his dick.

What Phil does next surprises Dan. He crashes his lips against Dan’s and knocks him back until the back of Dan’s head hits the duvet-turned-pillow. Phil kisses him with such intensity that it literally takes Dan’s breath away. But then the edge of the duvet falls on them which makes both of them laugh.

“Divine intervention?” Dan suggests.

“Don’t bring up God when we’re making out.”

“God would love to be kissed by you.” Phil scoffs then with a grin he sits. Dan looks at him, admiring the messy quiff, the shiny lips and the pinkness on his cheeks. Sex looks good on Phil Lester. Well, making out, but Dan would like to assume that sex does too. “Should we talk?”

“About?”

“About what we’re doing here.” Phil wants to say something but Dan continues. “I mean I know people do this all the time, but I’m not like them. I don’t do the casual flings but I also don’t want to freak you out by… needing the serious stuff.”

“I know,” Phil takes his hand, linking their fingers together. “Can we just do this for now? This is fun and everything.”

“I’m not saying I want an answer right here and now, but…” Dan shakes his head. “It’s stupid, I know. Or maybe I don’t, I don’t know jack shit. I talk a lot, sorry.”

“I don’t mind.” Phil lies next to him, sides pressed together, but their legs are apart because the laptop is still there. “I like when you talk. I’m just… I’m not great at relationships,” he admits.

“Yeah, ‘cause I’ve got a gold medal in them.”

Unsure of how to move forward, they lie there in silence.  _ This evening has derailed fast,  _ Dan thinks. He wants to say something to make it right, to make it better, but nothing comes to his mind.

What he wants to say is brutally honest. He doesn’t know if their… friendship or this in-between state of theirs can take it. He wants to say that for now, he wants to do this, kissing and making out and exploring cities together and cuddling and maybe, potentially, having sex if Phil wants it, but then, once they’re back in London and back over their jetlags, he wants to give it a try. A proper try. 

He doesn’t tell Phil this. He likes Phil too much to be this honest so early. Even Dan draws the line somewhere. Not that he usually does, but this time, he tries.

What he doesn’t know is how to proceed from here. The mood is gone and even though he’s not sure where they were heading, it’s all gone now. 

“You okay?” Phil asks quietly, bumping his foot against Dan’s. “Don’t overthink it.”

“I’m not, I promise.” He most certainly is, but Phil doesn’t need to know about that. He wants to go back to the kissing before he started internally freaking out. The thing is, his freak out is utterly pointless and he knows that, and yet, there’s nothing he can really do anything about it. “Can we continue watching it?”

“In a minute,” Phil says and then he’s reaching over to Dan and turning his head. “Can I kiss you?”

“You never have to ask that again,” Dan says, repeating what Phil told him earlier that day. 

The kiss is slow and sweet. It’s also comforting and for some reason, Dan thinks it’s also hopeful. Maybe there is something there, maybe there is a chance for something afterwards. Maybe he can hope to have something with Phil, once they’re back in England. And maybe, for now, they don’t have to talk about it and that’ll be enough.


	18. Day 8 - Dubrovnik

Dan wakes to someone yelling. He’s peacefully swimming in a dream ocean, then the next minute, his heart is beating abnormally fast because someone next to him started screaming.

“Dan!” He hears once his senses focus on the real world. “Dan, look at what I found!” Someone is shaking him, or maybe just shaking the bed. “Dan, come on!”

“Phil?” Dan turns, before hiding his head under the duvet.

He doesn’t even remember falling asleep; they were watching Game of Thrones until the wee hours of the morning and he doesn’t remember either of them falling asleep. He doesn’t even know when he asked Phil to stay, or if he did at all. That’s their new status quo, it seems like, and he loves it.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” Phil says with a smile in his voice as he pulls the covers back.

Dan blinks a few times and sees childish excitement on Phil’s face. “So loud.”

“No, but Dan!” He shakes him again. “Come on, be excited with me We have stuff to do!” Phil giggles. It would be a nice sound if it wasn’t this early and if Dan wasn’t this exhausted.

“What time is it?” He mumbles, hiding once again under the duvet.

“Uh, like seven? I don’t know, I couldn’t sleep.” Phil pulls back the covers, to which Dan reacts with a grunt. “I’m too excited.”

“Yeah, no shit.” This time, the pillow goes over Dan’s head. He doesn’t understand why Phil doesn’t get that if there’s something over Dan’s head, that means he intends to sleep some more. He also doesn’t understand how Phil can be this cheery so early. Or why. But then he remembers. “Dubrovnik!” he says, more enthusiastically and his sleepiness is gone. He removes the pillow and scoots closer to Phil.

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I found something amazing and already booked it for us.”

Dan looks up at Phil. He admires his thoughtfulness, especially so early in the morning. _Even if_ it’s so early. He’s sure he’ll give him hell for it later, but right now, Phil’s right. They’re in Dubrovnik and Dan cannot wait to see the town. “So what are we doing?”

“I found a Game of Thrones-themed tour and I thought it would be amazing.”

“You are a genius.” Dan rubs his eyes and stretches. Normally, his brain would be thinking about the fact that they’re this close and this intimate, but currently, it’s too preoccupied with the day ahead of them. “We’re meeting Jimmy for breakfast soon, right?”

“Yeah, I already texted him, they’re booking the tour as well.”

Dan nods and climbs out of bed, bursting for a wee. “It’s going to be hot, I reckon. When we get back, make me some buy clothes, please?”

“Alright, but nothing black.”

“Nothing black,” Dan says before disappearing in the bathroom.

He doesn’t have time (or the focus) to have a full-on a shower, so he just washes his face and teeth, and reemerges merely five minutes later, ready for the day ahead of them.

When he comes out, the first thing he sees is Phil, still in his bed, under the duvet. He almost looks heavenly, Dan thinks. He wants to see this every morning and every night. He wants to keep Phil close because Phil is special.

Then his opinion changes. Phil is, in fact, reading. Dan’s book. Which he forgot to hide. He screams internally for a second, before launching himself, diving for the book. Just before he rips the book from Phil’s hands.

“Hey, I was reading that.”

“No, you weren’t.” Dan’s fairly certain his face has never been this hot and crimson red. It’s not that he’s ashamed of the fact he reads romance, but he’s just not ready to go there yet with Phil. Sure, he’s romance obsessed, he knows his romcoms, but somehow, romance novels are more intimate. They’re a part of his soul, at this point.“Sorry, I should’ve…”

Phil studies his face for a few seconds and he looks like he’s on the verge of saying something. “Don’t worry about it,” he mumbles, getting out of bed.

The air has changed around them. It’s not worse, but not better either. It’s different. There’s a slight tension between them, and any moment, one of them could grab a needle and burst that bubble.

Dan wants to say something, but he knows he’d end up over-explaining himself like he usually does, so he stays quiet. It takes all of his willpower though.

Phil stays silent as well, just looking at Dan and the book in his hand. Dan doesn’t know what’s worse: the almost pitying look on Phil’s face or the fact he has something to say that he doesn’t want to tell Dan. 

“Uh… breakfast?” Dan’s voice is small barely audible.

“Sure, I’ll go get ready too,” Phil says with a shy smile. “I’ll meet you at Pearl.”

Phil walks out the door. Dan wants to follow him, his heart tells him to, but his mind stops him. With a sigh, he hides the book in his bag and puts it into the wardrobe. Maybe he’ll read it tonight when he’s alone in the darkness of his room. Phil won’t be coming back either way, that’s for sure.

He knows he’s overreacting. He’s definitely overreacting. It’s just a silly book by someone whose real name he doesn’t even know, a person who is just as much of a fiction as the books they’re writing. It’s not like Phil would know the author, Crowley’s only popular in certain circles. Those circles being romance-hungry gay men and white women. 

Two things shock Dan in the next second. Phil definitely fits the first category. But what surprises him more is the fact that Phil works for a publishing company. What if Crowley’s books are published through Phil’s place of work? Dan, of course, doesn’t know what it’s called, but he rushes to the wardrobe and checks the title page. He doesn’t see his name or his boss’s name anywhere. Then he goes to the Acknowledgments and skims the text.

He knows he should stop. It’s not healthy to obsess over such a small thing. He should be excited to see Dubrovnik, not terrified because Phil found his book.

So he forces himself to close the book before his brain can absorb any of it. He takes a deep breath and dresses. _It’s done,_ he keeps telling himself, _Phil saw the book, so what?_

With tremor still lingering in his guts, he puts on a brave smile and walks out the door, only to bump into Phil, also heading to Pearl.

“Hey,” Dan says, only with a little awkwardness.

“Hey yourself,” Phil replies. “Sorry about earlier, I should’ve just said…”

“It’s alright,” Dan stops him. “It’s just a book. I’m just making a big deal out of it.”

“We’re good then?”

“Yeah.” Dan thinks for a second, before saying, “Come here for a sec,” and opens the door of his cabin.

Once inside, Dan reaches for Phil’s wrists. He stares into those beautiful eyes hiding behind the thick, black-rimmed glasses. He marvels at his beauty like people marvel at the statue of David. He also finds that Michelangelo’s creation is just a piece of rock compared to Phil.

Dan kisses him, teeth gently grazing Phil’s lower lips. Happiness fills his head, the earlier awkwardness soon gone. It starts sweetly, Dan still holding onto Phil’s wrists, but soon Phil moves his hands to Dan’s waist, pulling him closer. Then he starts walking him backwards until Dan’s back hits the wall. That’s when the kiss goes from slow and lovely to insanely hot.

It’s crazy how much Phil affects him. Dan’s holds onto Phil by grabbing his upper arms as he’s kissing him like there’s no tomorrow. One of Phil’s thighs ends up between Dan’s who immediately feels the slight pressure and friction. Dan moans into the kiss which Phil takes as an encouragement. He kisses Dan deeper, licking into his mouth.

It takes a lot for Dan to push Phil away. But he needs to “Either you let me go now or we won’t see Dubrovnik.”

“You sure you want to be a tourist?” Phil presses an open-mouthed kiss on Dan’s jaw. “We could just stay here.”

Dan grunts. “You evil vixen, get off me.”

Phil laughs and the next second, Dan is practically pushing Phil out the door. There’s no way he’s missing this city, not even for Phil’s kisses.

They walk to the breakfast place hand in hand. It seems like Phil refuses to let go of Dan’s hand, not that Dan minds. He also likes the fact that Phil’s thumb is roaming endless circles on Dan’s skin.

Jimmy and Leo are already at Pearl when they arrive. Jimmy grins at them, then once he sees their linked hands, his smile seems to get even wider. “Morning, lovebirds.”

Dan rolls his eyes at him, but he doesn’t even bother to hide his smile. “Morning, _lovebirds,_ ” Dan reiterates.

“I’ll go get coffee,” Phil says before walking away.

“I need a refill as well.” Leo stands and joins Phil in the queue of sleepy passengers.

Dan sits next to Jimmy and for a few seconds, they’re both watching the open Adriatic Sea in silence. “So?”

“So what Jimmy? I know what you want to know, but nothing really happened. We made out, we watched _Game of Thrones._ ” Dan doesn’t mention his freakout though.

“Like a bunch of nerds,” Jimmy says with a laugh. Then he looks towards Phil and Leo who are still waiting in line to get the coffees. Dan can’t help but notice the way Jimmy’s looking at Leo. He knows there’s fondness, but also lust. “He’s such a good guy. I can’t believe we met.”

“What’s he like?”

“He’s incredibly funny, but in like a dorky way.” Jimmy sighs dreamily. “Like, you know those sexy accountants that get you all hot and bothered? He’s like that.”

“And…?” Dan wiggles his eyebrows. “Don’t leave me hanging.”

Jimmy blushes and raises his mug, hiding his face as he says, “He’s so so so good. I’ve uh… never had anyone like him.”

“Way to go, Jimbo!” Dan softly punches Jimmy’s shoulder. “I bet he gave you the orgasm of the century.”

“Oh my god, don’t be so vulgar.”

“So it’s only allowed when you’re talking about my sex life? And tell me to ‘shag’ Phil every five seconds?”

Jimmy laughs. “Speaking of…”

“There’s nothing to speak of.”

“Yet.” Jimmy takes a sip from his coffee, thus ending the conversation. “So Dubrovnik. The tour will be so cool.”

“I know, right? I’m so excited.”

Phil and Leo return, bringing coffee and other goodies. They talk about the show some more and the pictures they’re going to take in front of the iconic locations. Dan feels the adrenaline pumping through his veins as he pictures visiting those places and he cannot wait for today.

They are actually the first ones to make it to the shuttle bus. The ride only takes 10 minutes or so, but Dan’s so pumped he could even run there. It’s also incredibly hot, the cold water they got before leaving is already warm by the time they are inside the bus.

But... Dubrovnik. The place he's been longing to see for years. He's finally here, with some of the best people. Yeah, he's excited.


	19. Day 8 - Dubrovnik

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the bits about dubrovnik and game of thrones are probably inaccurate, sorry!

Childlike excitement runs through all of them when the bus drops them off. For the day Dan wants to be a spider, to have more eyes to see the beauty of the city. He also feels overwhelmed because he’s wanted to come here for so long and now, he’s finally here. 

His amazement comes in tidal waves. He first notices the blue sky and the bright sunshine, highlighting the right spots of the walls. Then he notices the old stones and bricks. Then the greenery, the people, and the merch they're wearing.

He presses the lukewarm bottle against his neck as they look around to find their tour guide. It’s not a cruise line organised tour, but they find the person they’re looking for quickly. It's not only hot and dry, but it’s also beyond crowded. _This will be a fun day_ , Dan thinks. There are people speaking all kinds of different languages wearing merch, then there are the non-Game of Thrones tourists in light clothing, fanning themselves with newspapers, leaflets and makeshift fans.

“Why did we come on this cruise?” Jimmy says, thinking aloud. He drinks from his water then flinches in disgust. “God, it’s hot.”

Dan looks at the ancient city walls. He wonders just how old they are, how many storms these stones have seen, how many battles they have stopped. They’re standing on one side of the bridge, the bridge that leads them to the gate and into the Old Town. 

Pile Gate is both grand and terrifying. It’s a massive structure, weather-battered stones which are chipped here and there. The moat beneath the stone bridge is now green with luscious bushes and trees. He thinks about how it might’ve looked in its prime when the wooden drawbridge was still being used.

Their tour soon departs. It gets even busier once they’re inside. The four of them along with fifteen other tourists follow the guide through the gate, as the guide talks about Dubrovnik’s patron saint and the history of the city. (It's bad, but Dan is not really listening to that part. He can't stop staring and taking pictures of old buildings. He also spends his time by trying to figure out if a particular building was ever a part of Game of Thrones.)

Then, they continue their walk, down the main street of the Old Town.

“The Stradun,” the guide says, with a thick Croatian accent, sounding completely bored, “divides the Old Town into Northern and Southern parts. It leads directly from the gate we just came through to Old Town’s port.”

Dan watches tourists walking in and out of cafes, enjoying ice creams on the patios and kids running around, blowing bubbles. The way their tour guide speaks is so dry, that it almost puts Dan to sleep. He looks over to see Phil, Jimmy and Leo yawning as well.

They continue their walk, but Dan wishes the guide would just shut up. He sounds so bored, and it makes Dan feel nowhere near as excited. Besides, he barely mentions any facts or trivia about  Game of Thrones .

Still, he tries his best to listen to him. He tries to look interested in the history of Dubrovnik, which should be pretty cool, but not when it makes him feel like he’s back in secondary school with that history teacher he hated.

“Is it just me,” Phil says after only fifteen minutes, “or he doesn’t really know things?”

“Yeah, he doesn’t. I mean he knows about the city, but not the show.” Dan pouts. His excitement is becoming duller by the minute, thanks to their guide. “Where did you find this? Shady-game-of-thrones-tours.com?”

“Hey!” Phil sighs and nods. “But it’s on me. Should’ve read the reviews.”

“It’s fine,” Dan reaches for his hand, squeezing it gently. “I have a stupid idea.”

“I’m all ears, it can only be better than this tour.”

“Let’s ditch them and explore the city ourselves.”

Phil smiles at him and Dan feels a bit more awake. “That’s an excellent idea.” At the moment, they’re stood outside of the Dominican monastery. The surrounding area, St Dominic Street, was used as the market on the show. Dan knows this and he knows that Phil knows this, but the guide fails to mention it. “Jimmy,” he pokes him in the shoulder. “This is awful so me and Dan are gonna leave.”

“Dan and I,” Dan mumbles which earns a smile (only a little bit annoyed smile) from Phil. “But you stay and we’ll meet you on the ship.”

“Enjoy, boys.” Jimmy winks at them before turning back.

So Dan and Phil promptly ditch the tour without saying anything to the guide. They slowly walk back the way the came from, back to the Stradun. Once they’re back amongst the hundreds, if not thousands of tourists enjoying the Old Town, they find an empty bench. It’s not in the shade, but it still feels nice to sit down for a second.

Dan looks around. He recognises parts of the town that were used as Flea Bottom and he can just about see the area where Cersei did the Walk of Shame. He's finally here, in King's Landings and he never wants to leave.

He tilts his face towards the Sun. He left his sunglasses on the ship, so he’ll have a day of squinting in the cloudless weather, but he doesn't mind. At least, his view is not obscured by two dark lenses.

“It’s beautiful,” Phil says.

Without opening his eyes, Dan smiles. He can still see the picturesque architecture of the Old Town with its white-walled buildings and red roofs. Leaning on the rest of his senses, he hears the excited chatter all around him in all kinds of languages and the laughter of kids. Now that they’re this close to the open sea, the warm breeze on his skin feels delightful in the middle of this heatwave.

Dan opens his eyes the next second, only to find Phil staring at him. They both blush and look away and suddenly, Dan’s feeling a lot. For Phil, about Phil and just about everything else.

“Where to, now?” Dan asks quietly.

“To get ice cream, duh!” Phil laughs, breaking the ice.

“I’m sure by the time we get home, your blood will be 90% ice cream.”

“I mean, that’s just who Phil Lester is,” he explains, making it sound so self-explanatory. “Come on, I’ll treat you to a soft scoop.”

Dan stands and reaches for Phil’s hand. “You paid for the tour and we didn’t even enjoy it so I think it’s only fair if I pay this time. You can get two scoops.”

Phil’s face softens and steps closer to Dan. “I really want to kiss you now.”

“No one’s stopping you.”

Phil does lean in and he does give a gentle peck on Dan’s lips. “Can’t wait to get back to the ship,” he murmurs in Dan’s ear.

A shiver runs down Dan’s spine and then he tugs at Phil’s hand, taking him to the closest ice cream shop.

They both get the same: chocolate and pistachio. It’s not the best ice cream Dan’s had, but it’ll do for now. Tomorrow, he'll have proper Italian gelato, but right now, this ice cream is cold enough to cool him down for a few seconds.

As they eat it, they make their way down the Stradun, deeper into Old Town. There are no real plans for them, no maps to follow. They just go wherever the road and their feet take them. They walk past cafes, restaurants and stores, as well as the odd market stalls offering fresh vegetables and fruit. Dan eyes with some deep red and gigantic raspberries, but Phil drags him towards a souvenir shop.

“You and your bloody magnets,” Dan says fondly. “By the time we get home, you’ll need two new fridges.”

“I think that’s very likely.”

With Phil’s loot, they continue their walk until they make their way to the old port. It’s utterly cheesy, Dan knows it, but once they get to the end of the pier, he suggests that they sit down on the edge. Their feet don’t reach the water and it’s probably not the best idea with the boats around, but Dan doesn’t care.

They sit there for minutes quietly, watching the boats come and go, tourists getting on and off. To their left are mountains in the distance, towering above the Croatian city, with the same white buildings littered on the side of it. To their right is the Old Town, with the wall and a tower.

“I never want to leave,” Dan sighs. He scoots closer to Phil, putting his head on his shoulder. “Everything’s so good here. I kinda don't want to live in London anymore... I just... I want to make a living abroad. ”

"Mamma Mia-style?"

"Oh, most definitely." Dan laughs. "Dubrovnik is so pretty."

“It is.” Phil puts his hand on Dan’s, intertwining their fingers. “We could get money by being extras on  Game of Thrones .”

“You know it’s ending, right?”

Phil chuckles. “A small problem, but we’d make it work.”

There it is again, that hopeful tone. It makes Dan happy, like for the first time he has something to look forward to. Something he’s really excited about.

“You know…” With his free hand, he plays with a small rock. “I’m really glad I get to share this with someone I like,” Dan says carefully because he doesn’t know if it’s too much. But he needs to say it because otherwise, his heart would burst.

Phil puts his finger under Dan’s chin, turning his head towards him. “Yeah, me too.” He kisses him, sweetly and slowly and time seems to stop. Dan still hears the water as it gently splashes against the stone and the boat captains luring the tourists for a trip, but otherwise, everything else seems to stop existing. It’s just him and Phil, and Phil’s hand gripping his and Phil’s lips are against his. 

“God, fuck.” Dan pulls away ever so slightly because he really needs to catch his breath. His forehead is still against Phil’s.

“Is it that bad?”

“You’re kidding, right? If it wasn’t for public indecency, we’d be making out right here and now.”

Phil laughs. “I’m glad it’s not just me who’s feeling it.”

For a second, Dan wonders if it’s too soon. He wants to make out with Phil once they’re back on the ship and letting things just… be.

“Let’s get back to exploring the town,” Dan says quickly before the thought of having sex with Phil gives him a boner.

They walk back to the Stradun, then follow a couple of tourists in merch down a narrow, cobblestoned street. The crowd gets thicker there and Dan soon understands why: they just found the stairs where Cersei did the Walk of Shame. People are posing and taking pictures of it and Dan and Phil snap a couple of photos as well.

For the rest of their shore excursion, they explore the city a bit more and have lunch at a cafe. A cat founds them and the rest of the patrons of the place. It’s a cute, fluffy white cat, probably not even stray. He begs for food and normally, Dan would ignore it, but he’s meowing and looking at him with big eyes. He gives him a bit of cucumber from his sandwich. The cat bites into it, but quickly abandons it when someone at another table tempts him with a small piece of chicken.

“Traitor,” Dan mumbles under his nose. 

Once they’re done with lunch, they take one last stroll down the Stradun, getting ice creams and souvenirs. They enjoy the last of the Croatian Sun before heading back to the shuttle.

They meet Jimmy and Leo on there. The two of them are already sitting in the back, giggling and whispering like teenagers. But also, they ignore Dan and Phil, who, instead of following suit, turn their faces upwards, towards the air conditioning.

“Did you have a good time?” Phil asks, once they’re on their way back to the ship.

“The best.” Dan has the instinct to reach over and squeeze Phil’s thighs. So he does. Because now he can. “Thank you.”

“Always,” Phil says as he leans closer to kiss Dan softly.

Today is a really good day. Dan hasn’t been this happy in months, if not years. He knows thinking that Phil’s the reason for it is too pressuring, but he knows it’s true. He’s happy. He’s happy with Phil.


	20. Day 8 - Dubrovnik

The moment they get to the ship, Dan immediately drags Phil towards the shops. He will get new clothes, he decides. Thankfully, a cruise ship this size has plenty of stores. There’s one near the entrance selling perfumes, tempting the passengers with bottles more expensive than Dan’s rent. A brilliant white sign above the door signals its name. ‘Le Paradis’. Dan knows they would most likely knock some very expensive bottles over, so they skip that. The shop next to it is a jewellery shop. As they walk past it, he overhears a man saying ‘This is our 55th anniversary, a £14000 ring is the minimum I can get her.’ Dan almost drops dead there.

But as they continue their walk, he sees their destination. It’s a store he’s walked past before, selling men’s clothes. He walks to the window and stares at the mannequin, admiring the delicate fabric it’s wearing.

He doesn’t know jack shit about fashion. Well, that’s not true. He does, but his wallet doesn’t. He wants to look good 24/7, wearing expensive, overpriced couture items. He just can’t afford luxury items and things he likes, so he usually settles for Top Man and Primark for casual clothes. His wardrobe mainly constitutes of ripped black jeans and black, oversized sweaters and smart clothes and a couple of suits he had to buy for work. 

He does, however, like the jacket on the mannequin. It’s unique. Pale grey check jacket with fabric patches of birds and palms on it. He leans in to check the price sticker.

“Fuck!” He turns to Phil. “This is £1000! What do these people think, that I’m made of money?”

“You like it, though? I can just, you know, buy it for you.” Phil shrugs, like that’s the normal thing to say. Dan stares at him, completely flabbergasted. Then Phil starts laughing, but for some reason, his laughter doesn’t seem genuine. “Oh my gosh, you should’ve seen your face.”

Dan studies him for a few seconds, wondering. Sure, the joke was funny (by Phil’s standards), but he doesn’t understand why his mind jumped to the idea of Phil actually meaning it. Then Dan realises he doesn’t actually know anything about Phil. Sure, he knows his job, he knows that he’s a nerd, and he knows he’s incredibly kind and caring. But he doesn’t know what makes Phil… Phil.

Or maybe he’s overthinking it. Again. Still.

“What was I gonna get?”

“Summer clothes. Nothing black.”

“Right. That.” The cold runs down on Dan’s spine at the thought of having light clothes. “Do I have to, though? I mean it’s so overpriced here. I could just get some stuff in Venice tomorrow.”

“Are you just trying to get out of actually doing it?” Phil says with a knowing smile. 

Dan rolls his eyes and reaches for Phil’s hand. With a tug, they walk into the shop.

It really does sell overpriced suits and dress shirts, but Dan finds a couple of chinos within his budget. He also picks out a white linen shirt, khaki chino shorts and a pale blue tank top. The cost more than he would’ve prefered, but he just likes them too much. Besides, once in a while, he can afford to splurge on some clothes.

As he heads towards the checkout, he sees it. A black, short-sleeved romper. Totally not suitable for a stroll through Venice, but he  _ needs  _ it. He walks up to the mannequin wearing it, touching the material. It’s thick, so he would get sweaty in the Italian Sun, but it would be great for the cloudy, lukewarm London. Then he goes to check the price and almost starts crying. 

“I can never afford that,” he mumbles to himself and walks to the counter, his heart breaking ever so slightly. 

Once he has his new clothes and once his wallet feels, unfortunately, lighter, he goes to find Phil. He finds him browsing graphic t-shirts.

“All done?” Phil smiles at him.

“Yeah. You know, once we’re back in England, I think I’ll find myself a sugar daddy.”

“Oh? How come?”

“Don’t get me wrong, you’re charming, but I think my lifestyle just demands a millionaire.”

“What makes you think I’m not one?”

“You download films, you don’t buy them. Of course, you’re not a millionaire.”

Phil laughs and pulls Dan closer by his wrist. “You got me there,” he says and kisses the tip of his nose. “So where to now?”

They’re outside the shop now, in the middle of a crowd. Holidaymakers are returning from town and, after a quick glance at his phone, Dan realises they’re leaving port soon. 

“Let’s walk around in the other shops.”

They skip the handbag and jewellery shop and a retail store, but do check out the souvenir shop. They each get a miniature model of the ship and Phil gets a card he vows to send his mum from Venice.

Then as they leave, they hear it. The unmistakable sounds of video games.

As it turns out, there’s an arcade and they didn’t even know about it. They get nostalgic about games like Space Invaders and Pac Man. Dan can’t even hide his excitement when he sees a Dance Dance Revolution machine.

“I could  _ obliterate  _ you in seconds,” he says to Phil. His voice is stern, but there’s some cheekiness lurking in there.

“I mean, if you’re up for losing in Mario Kart, I’d happily be obliterated in DDR.”

Dan looks away, hiding his smile. He knows he would destroy Phil in Mario Kart as well.

“Tell you what, I’ll go upstairs and put my clothes down then we can do some dancing and karting.”

“I’ll try to beat the Pong record then,” Phil says, pointing towards an ancient machine.

On his way towards the lifts, Dan stops in front of the drugstore He sees the over the counter medicine, various sunscreens, toothbrushes and other essentials. Whatever a person could want.

At first, he doesn’t know why he stopped. Why his legs stopped. Then, as he strains his eyes a bit more, he sees what his subconscious noticed first. Nestled above vitamins, are two shelves of condoms and lube.

Now, he’s not being presumptuous. He knows it may or may not happen. But he’s seen enough films to know that  _ if  _ it happens, the couple always runs out of something and then the guy has to run to the shop to get some condoms and he gets into some kind of trouble or even if he doesn’t, the mood is done. Dan’s just doing the right thing and getting prepared. Worst case scenario, he takes home a box of condoms and a bottle of lube. Very overpriced, but still.

So he does exactly that. He grabs the items off the shelf and heads to the checkout. He’s only blushing a bit when he hands his card to the guy behind the till. Once he has paid, he shoves them into the paper bag, amongst his clothes and heads upstairs, into his room.

Dan’s bed is neatly made and his wastebasket is emptied. He takes the treasures out of the bag and only then he sees that instead of getting plain, he bought cherry. Not that it matters, but it makes him seem kinkier than he actually is. With a sigh, he decides to hide them in the bedside drawer, behind his book. His drawer of guilty pleasures, apparently.

As he walks back to the arcade, he bumps into Jimmy and Leo in the lobby. The two of them are heading up to the Sun Deck for some day drinking and promptly invites Dan and Phil to join them as well.

Dan accepts the invitation, because he knows Phil will need it once Dan defeats him in not one, but two games.

Dan not only defeats him, but he also makes sure he shocks his world. Phil’s good, but Dan’s even better. 

“This is cheating, you’re cheating!” Phil borderline shouts. Dan smiles, leaning against the rails of DDR. He likes to see Phil get flustered and worked up over it. “No one can be that good at DDR.”

“Sorry, mate.” He knows he has his shit-eating grin on his face, but he just can’t help it. Considering the scenario was unknown to him, he still managed to hit Perfects and Greats. Phil, on the other hand, tripped twice. “Not everyone has two left legs.”

“Hey, that’s not fair,” Phil pouts. He sadly stares at the screen that still displays Dan’s generous advantage. “Come here and kiss me.”

Dan rolls his eyes, but he happily obliges. It’s a small peck, they’re in public after all. Then again, not every kiss can be a magical, getting-knocked-off-your-feet experience.

“Fair warning, you’ll probably lose in Mario Kart as well.”

Phil opens his mouth to say something, but then closes it again. He looks genuinely upset and Dan is enjoying it far more than he should. He knows it’s not a nice thing to do, but he can’t help it. He likes to tease Phil so this just seems to come naturally.

“I think we should leave it for now, then. My pride and ego are hurt, don’t think they can take more.”

“I can let you win.” Phil stares at him as if he’s expecting to hear the punchline at the end of the joke. But then he sighs and walks away. Dan has to restrain himself from laughing at the dramatic side of Phil. He runs after him and takes his hand. “Come on, I’ll get you ice cream as a consolation prize.”

Phil smiles at that and he’s back to his sunshine self. “Dessert before dinner? My mother would freak if she knew.”

“Well, what happens on a cruise stays on a cruise.”

Ever so slightly Phil tugs at their linked hands. “Not everything, I hope.”

Dan can’t help but grin like an idiot.

The weather is still brilliant when they arrive on the Sun Deck, it’s packed with people. There’s a definite heatwave but the gentle breeze of the Adriatic Sea provides some comfort. While they were busy in the arcade, the ship left port and the shores of Croatia are getting smaller now.

They find Jimmy and Leo sitting under a shade. Honest to God, Dan is really happy that the two of them met. Both his and Jimmy’s trip started awfully, so spending two weeks in the company of gorgeous men is the least they deserve. 

But apart from that, he sees how genuinely happy Jimmy is with Leo. When Dan and Jimmy first met, Dan saw the effect of Patrick on Jimmy. He looked okay, but he wasn’t 100%. He saw the tiredness and unease, even if Jimmy didn’t actually know about it. 

But then, Leo happened. Now Jimmy’s smiling and flirting and he’s enjoying the sunshine with a man who doesn’t want to hurt him emotionally.

“Hey you, lovebirds,” Dan says to them. Jimmy rolls his eyes but doesn’t say anything. “I’ll get your ice cream,” he tells Phil.

“Oh, I think I deserve a 99 Flake and a Pimm’s.”

“Stop being so British.”

The bar, surprisingly, doesn’t sell ice creams and Dan can’t be bothered to queue at a different stand, but he does get Phil’s drink and a delicious glass of ice wine for himself. It’s also not Mina at Citrine, so he doesn’t get the star treatment. 

Once back at the table, Jimmy and Leo are too busy with flirting and playing footsie. Dan only knows this because his own legs end up in the middle.

“They’re gross,” Phil says with an underlying fondness in his voice.

“So gross.”

“So, are you?”

“Gross?” Dan lifts his top to smell himself. “I mean, yeah.”

“No gross, you dork. Happy.”

Dan smiles, reaching for Phil’s hand. “Definitely.”

“I’m glad. You deserve to be happy, Dan. You deserve the whole world, even if you don’t think you do. I know a lot of shitty things have happened to you, but that doesn’t make you broken or… or less than perfect. That makes you you. And,” Phil takes a deep breath and looks at their linked hands, “and I’m glad I can be in a chapter of your life, even if this thing only lasts until the end of the cruise.”

Dan almost cries. His heart feels whole and it seems to be filled with Phil and nothing else. He has to look up so he doesn’t cry. And he doesn’t know what to say. What can one reply to something nice like that? A simple ‘thank you’ is definitely not enough. 

“Phil, I…” There are no words to describe what Dan wants to say. Or maybe there are, but those words would frighten Phil. Dan is trying his best not to give too much too soon, but he’s worried that, in the process, he’s giving too little too late. “You’re such a wonderful person. You’re kind and lovely and…” Dan scoffs quietly. “Look, I know this is cliche, trust me I do and I wish I could say something else. You’re just amazing.” Phil smiles. For a second, Dan closes his eyes, silently debating whether he should just say what he wants to. But he doesn’t. He chooses not to, not just yet. “Are you happy?”

“Yeah. I know this is soon, but you make me happy, Dan. So happy.” Dan leans in and kisses Phil. “You know,” Phil whispers against his lips, “you still owe me that ice cream.”

Dan laughs. How could he not? Phil is everything Dan’s heart could ever need. Dan’s an introvert, so naturally, he prefers to be alone. But not with Phil. He feels they could spend days, weeks even together, 24/7 style, without the need to be alone. His crush on this man is growing by the minute and he has no intention of stopping it.

Even if a small voice in the back of his head is saying he should. Because what if. What if things just stop at the end of the cruise? What if in seven days, right at the end, Dan realises he actually fell for Phil yet things still don’t continue? It’s silly, but it’s not impossible. Dan knows he can (he tends to, rather) fall in love easily. And it’s beyond easy with Phil. He doesn’t want to have his heart broken. Not necessarily by Phil, but by his own stupidity. 

“Don’t overthink it,” a voice of reason says which turns out to be Phil’s. He puts a hand on Dan’s cheek, softly cupping it. “Things are good. More than good, okay? You’re happy, I’m happy and… we’re happy together.”

“Yeah.” Dan downs his wine. He knows it’s not a wise decision, but it’s too late now. “Wanna head downstairs? I need some air conditioning.”

“Gladly. I think I’ll be red as a lobster come tomorrow.”

They say bye to Jimmy and Leo who seem to be very oblivious of everything. They’re happy in their bubble, like they should be.

And Dan’s happy in his, even if there’s a nagging voice. A voice that sounds a bit like Patrick’s.


	21. Day 8 - Dubrovnik

The coolness of the air conditioning is refreshing. As soon as Dan and Phil get to Dan’s cabin, they lie on the bed, next to each other. For the next 2 hours, Dan wants to do nothing, just relax.

“Why do we ever leave?” Dan sighs happily. “We’ve got everything here, air conditioning, bed… air conditioning.”

“We just can’t deal with the heat, can we? Our British bodies get broken if the temperature goes above 25 degrees.”

“It’s a national crisis back home.”

Phil laughs, the mattress shaking ever so slightly. “What do you want to do now? Dinner is soon.”

Dan has some ideas. He turns his head to look at Phil, only to see him looking back. There’s a small smile on his lips, it’s a bit naughty, but Dan loves it. He also can’t stop staring at Phil’s lips.

He’s about to turn so that he can kiss Phil when there’s a knock on the door.

“Every fucking time,” he sighs and walks to open it.

“Mr Howell.” Ms Lopes smiles at him. “We hope you had a great day in Dubrovnik.”

“We did, yes, thank you.” He lets her in and looks at Phil, sending a silent sorry his way.

“Uh, I need to get something from my room,” Phil says quietly. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Dan nods and lets Phil walk past. But as he does, his finger strokes the back of Dan’s hand that just feels so lovely and intimate in a way Dan can't explain.

Once they’re alone, Dan plugs his phone into her laptop. While they wait for them to be uploaded, they have a chat about the weather (hot), the food (amazing) and Dubrovnik (wonderful). Once she has her pictures, she leaves Dan to his own devices.

Seeing that Phil’s not back yet, he goes to get his book from the drawer. He sees the lube and condoms he bought. God, he’s such an idiot and such an overthinker. It should be easy and he sort of knows the answer, because pretty sure Phil wants it as well.

He closes the drawer with a sigh, letting the bottle roll around unashamedly. Then he sits on the bed, back against the headboard and continues reading, getting immediately lost in the world of Sebastian. It’s a great book, as all of TJ Crowley’s are, but they’re also very mainstream in a sense. Maybe that’s why his favourite book (both of Crowley’s and any in general) is Crowley’s first ever book, Man in the Sea. He self-published that book before getting signed by a publisher. Dan treasures that book with all of his heart.

He barely hears the knock, he’s so immersed in it novel. Only Phil’s voice pulls back to his reality as he’s calling out his name.

“Dan, let me in please, this is getting embarrassing,” Phil says with a soft laugh.

“Coming!”

Dan hides the book in the drawer before running to open the door. His heart beats faster and his cheeks get a bit hotter when he sees Phil. He can’t help it. He steps aside to let Phil in, then closes the door with a soft thud. When he walks past Dan, he kisses his lips softly.

Then, Dan notices that Phil’s holding a paper bag. e furrows his brows because it’s from the same shop he got his clothes from.

“People were staring,” Phil says dramatically. “I think they were thinking you locked me out because we got into an argument.”

“How outrageous.” Dan smiles. “I see you went shopping.”

“Yeah, I…” Phil lifts the bag, holding it so Dan can take it, but Dan doesn't immediately realise that so it just kind of hangs in the air. “I know how this looks but I can afford it and I wanted to do something nice. I just… I just wanted to treat you.” Phil scoffs, shaking his head a bit. “You know considering I’m great with words in writing, I’m such a loser in real life.”

“You’re not, you’re perfectly fine.”

“Anyway, I hope it fits, if not, we can return it.” And with that, he hands Dan the paper bag.

Dan looks inside like a kid does on Christmas. At first, it’s all inconspicuous, nothing but a pile of black fabric. Then he puts the bag on the bed and reaches inside. He pulls out the clothing and he almost starts sobbing.

“Oh my God!” is all that Dan can say, before he launches himself at Phil, his lips hungrily seeking Phil’s. It’s a frantic kiss, grateful on Dan’s part. There’s no grace in it, but it’s still a great kiss. “Phil, you shouldn’t have.” Dan leans his forehead against Phil’s, the tips of their noses touching. 

“I know, but I did.” Phil presses a gentle kiss on Dan’s lips. It’s weird because all of their kisses make Dan’s heart either stop or beat extremely fast, but this is his favourite. There’s something about these underrated kisses, some unknown familiarity. “Go on, try it on. I had to guess your size, so we'll see if it fits.”

For a second, Dan entertains the idea of getting undressed in front of Phil. He thinks about making a whole show out of it, because why not. Phil certainly deserves it after all he’s done for Dan. 

But then, Dan remembers how ungraceful he can be and how his arms would get stuck in the t-shirt he’s wearing. And Phil doesn’t need to see how unsexy Dan really is. At least not yet.

“Okay,” Dan grabs the bag and disappears in the bathroom.

He feels ecstatic. He feels high. There are no other words to describe it. After a few bumps, his vacation turned out to be the best ever. It started as a disastrous voyage through rough seas under a thick blanket of grey clouds, now it is smooth sailing on calm waters with nothing but brilliant blue skies above him.

He gets dressed quickly. Thankfully, it fits him perfectly, like it was made for him. And he looks good in it.

So he opens the door. Once he sees Dan, Phil’s jaw drops. He stares at Dan with a hungry look in his eyes.

“Dan, you…” he starts before just stopping.

Dan bites into his lower lip. “Is it that bad?”

“You’re kidding, right? You look fucking hot. If I wasn’t trying to be a gentleman, I’d fuck you senseless.” Dan’s cheeks flare up at the same time as blood starts rushing to his dick. Once Phil realises what actually left his mouth, he blushes as well. “Sorry, I didn’t…”

“It’s fine,” it pains Dan to say that but he does. Now all he can think about is getting fucked senseless by Phil. And black romper Phil got him is comfortably tight around the crotch area, so any and all twitching is visible. “You would?” Dan smirks.

“Oh, fuck off.” Phil sits on the bed, covering his eyes with his hands. Dan’s really close to just saying fuck it and sitting in his lap. “You know I do.”

Maybe getting those condoms was a good idea after all. Maybe he should do exactly what he wants to do.

“You know…”

“Don’t even dare to finish that sentence right now,” Phil says in a low voice and it makes Dan hungry for passion. “You should get changed into something proper. We’re gonna get dinner and then see a cabaret.”

“You’re not fun,” Dan pouts and gets some of his new clothes before disappearing into the bathroom once more.

For dinner, they head up to Onyx on Lido deck. It’s a grill restaurant and there’s no particular reason why they chose it. Thankfully, they’re early enough to avoid the big crowds so they manage to snatch a good table with a perfect view of the endless sea.

They sit in relative silence once their order is with the waiter. Sure, there’s the quiet jazz playing in the background and the lively chitchat of adults on their way to getting drunk. But Dan is doing everything to avoid Phil’s gaze because he’s ever so slightly is embarrassed.

This goes beyond the general embarrassment he has on a daily basis. It’s not even that Phil got him that expensive romper nor the fact that Phil saw him in it. He avoids Phil’s eyes because if he didn’t, Dan would jump on Phil.

So yeah it’s embarrassing. How much he wants Phil and how he can only think about Phil’s soft lips against his chapped ones, Phil’s giant hands exploring his body. He thinks about how his cock might taste and how it might feel when he’s inside Dan.

Dan closes his eyes, dick twitching in his fancy new trousers. _None of this is helping,_ he thinks. But God, he can’t _not_ think about it. Phil’s words also echo in every inch of his body. He wants to have sex with Dan, but he’s being a gentleman about it. Dan appreciates the thought, but on the other hand… God, he just wants Phil so much.

And maybe that’s the issue. That’s the barrier in his head. Maybe Dan’s subconscious is worried about the after. What if Phil didn’t like it? What if it just wasn’t good? What if _he_ wasn't good? What if, what if, what if. Those two stupid words go around in circles in his head.

He smiles at the waiter as he brings their drinks, but Dan continues to overthink. He knows he’s being an idiot. He knows he’s seeing issues where there aren’t any. And once again, he's doing it during dinner. He knows that none of this is fair on Phil, this silent treatment that he most definitely doesn’t deserve.

“Something’s wrong,” Phil says in a tone that breaks Dan’s heart. Fuck, Phil _definitely_ doesn't deserve the way Dan's hurting him. “I’ve said something wrong.”

“No, no, Phil, you didn’t.” Dan reaches across the table to take Phil’s hand. He almost knocks over Phil’s Mai Tai in the process. “You know me, you know I overthink everything.”

“So what are you overthinking now?” Phil cocks his head to the side.

Dan sighs. How could he explain? He knows what he should say and the words would make sense. But right now, Dan feels like he’s still in Croatia and Phil’s on his way to Venice.

“I don’t…”

“You can talk to me, Dan. I know you think it would freak me out, but I can handle it. I’m a big boy.”

Dan almost makes an innuendo to break the ice. Instead, he squeezes Phil’s hand. “I know you can. But it’s stupid. It’s my stupid head overthinking this stupid thing and it doesn’t even make sense.”

“You can still tell me about it.” Phil takes a sip of his cocktail. “If you want, that is.”

For the first time since meeting Phil, Dan feels like he not only should but wants to. He needs to tell Phil about the issues in his head if they want to keep going. What he needs with Phil is complete transparency. Dan has never trusted anyone this much and he knows he can't lie, not to Phil.

“I can’t stop thinking about what you said in my room,” Dan admits. He looks away, his cheeks are burning and almost feels the electricity in the tip of Phil’s fingers that are touching the back of his hand. “And it… scares me. Not the uh… the sex part,” he lowers his voice, “but the… I shouldn’t want you this much. But fuck, I… I can’t stop thinking about… But I’m also scared of ruining…” Dan trails off. It sounded better in his head, the sentences were more complete. He takes a deep breath and continues. “Fuck, I don’t make much sense, do I?”

“No, I understood perfectly. Look at me, please,” Phil says softly. “I think we’re clear on the part that we both want it.”

“So much,” Dan turns to Phil to see the small smile on his lips.

“And you wouldn’t ruin anything, Dan. I like you too much for that.” His heart beats a little bit faster then. “Things are sometimes complicated, but they can also be simple. It’s that this time around. You know when you were in nursery or when you were little and your parents took you to the playground? Do you remember how easy it was to make friends? You don’t need to make this complicated, we know what this is. We both know that this is simple and good, so why are you overthinking it?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess having years of an unsuccessful love life? I want to make this simple, I really do, but whenever that happens, my brain goes ‘Uh oh, what if X happened?’ and from there I just keep thinking about it.”

“Tell you what.” Phil lets go of Dan’s hand and sits up straight. “I’ll lay out the facts, yeah? I like you. I like kissing you. I do uh…” Phil clears his throat, “think about having sex with you. Okay with those facts?” Dan can only nod; his throat went dry. “There’s nothing you could ruin. We have shared a bed on _multiple occasions_. I’ve heard you fart.”

“Phil!” Dan’s face heats up.

“Those are just the facts.” Phil raises his hand in defence, but there’s a smile hiding behind the seriousness. “So don’t overthink it, please. Look around, you’re on a vacation most people can only dream of.”

“With a guy most people can only dream of,” Dan adds quietly. He knows Phil heard it. After taking a deep breath, he says, “Okay. If you see me overthink anything, can you kiss some sense into me, please?”

“Gladly.”

Dan knows that won’t stop him from doing so, but maybe, it’s a start.


	22. Day 9 - Venice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no knowledge of the Venetian public transport system other than the stuff I found online, sorry if it's inaccurate!

Sadly, after dinner, they go separate ways. Phil has a migraine so he wants to sleep it off. He tells Dan that he can join, but Dan should do some Dan things that evening.

So he does. He reads some more of his book, he jacks off with Phil’s name escaping his lips as he comes then takes a long bath with some wine. By 10 o’clock he’s knackered, so for the first time in a decade or so, he has an early night.

Dan wakes to a knock the following morning. He pulls the duvet over his head, hiding underneath it, trying to go back to sleep. But the knocker is persistent so Dan has no choice but to wrap the duvet around himself and open the door.

“Your bedhead is really cute,” Jimmy says. He’s too upbeat for Dan. “Is your other half here?”

Dan doesn’t even tell him off, just shakes his head with a yawn. “What is it, Jimmy? It’s so early.”

“It’s actually half 7 and we’re in Venice.” Dan wakes up a bit when he hears that. “Come on, we’re having coffee, just the two of us.”

“Where is  _ your  _ other half?”

Jimmy pouts a bit. “With his family. His parents complained yesterday that they don’t see him at all, so I forced him to spend the day with them. So you’re stuck with me… yay!”

“Good thing I like your face, Jimbo.” Dan walks back to his bed with Jimmy following him like a puppy. “Some personal space would be nice, mate.”

“Yeah, you might be right,” Jimmy says with a cheeky smile. “You stink.”

“You’re on thin ice.” But there’s a smile, maybe even a grin behind the sternness in Dan’s voice. “So how are things with Leo?”

While Jimmy talks, Dan picks out his outfit for the day. “He’s lovely,” he replies dreamily. “But, it’s weird. I don’t know if I should be feeling so positive about something like this so soon after ‘rick the dick.”

“Glad you’re sticking with that nickname. And you should. We’ve talked about this, haven’t we?” Dan raises the linen shirt he got the other day and checks himself in the mirror. “You do deserve happiness, Jimmy. All of it. And I’m glad it’s someone as great as Leo that’s making you happy.”

“Thanks, Dan. That means a lot. And that shirt looks nice.”

“You think?” Jimmy nods to that. “Have you two talked about after?”

“As in, after the cruise? A bit, but only like ‘hey, let’s meet up once we’re in London and let’s have dinner!’ kind of thing. I’m a really boring guy and I don’t want him to see just how boring.”

“Isn’t he like an accountant?

“Your point?”

“He’s probably just as boring. A pair of boring, star crossed lovers leading their boring lives in boring London.”

“Well, let me tell you, you ain’t no Shakespeare mate.”

Dan gasps. “That’s it, that’s how the rivalry between the Montagues and Capulets started”

Jimmy laughs heartily. “Go, get ready, I need my morning coffee.”

“God, it’s like hearing Phil.” But Dan goes into the bathroom to do exactly that.

“So how are things with your loverboy?” Jimmy asks when Dan’s brushing his teeth. The door is still closed, and he doesn’t rush with his answer. “Have you two fucked yet?” Dan rolls his eyes as he watches a tiny bit of redness creep into his cheeks. “I want to hear every gross, kinky, dirty detail.”

Dan rinses his mouth then opens the door. “No.”

“No as in I get no naughty info or no, you haven’t?”

Dan sighs and reaches for the linen shirt and the black shorts. He’s probably overwearing them, but oh well. “We haven’t.”

He goes back to the bathroom and waits for Jimmy’s inquisition as he dresses. But it never comes. Dan doesn’t know if it’s because Jimmy wants to see him when he questions him or if he just stopped caring. Secretly, Dan’s hoping that Jimmy is snoring on the other side of the door.

He checks himself in the mirror and once he deems his curls okay, he opens the door, only to be greeted by Jimmy. And his face really close.

“Why not?”

Dan pushes past Jimmy and gets his phone. “Just haven’t. I’m not you, I can’t just…” Dan shakes his head. “Can we just drop it, please? I think there are two mugs somewhere with our names on them.”

Fortunately, Jimmy doesn’t push. Instead, like true Brits, they talk about the weather and complain about the awful, awful heat that they chose to be in.

Pearl is filled with eager passengers practising their travel guide Italian, straight up butchering the language. Not that Dan speaks it, but he still hears how awful they sound.

After getting two mugs of black coffee, they sit at a table in the middle. The ones by the windows are taken by families with screaming kids or old couples with their sun visors. Sure, the kids are annoying, but Dan will miss it all. They still have days to go, a week, but Dan’s already dreading the after. Not just the question of Phil and the very definition of ‘them’, but he doesn’t want to go back to his shit job. Not at all.

He hates himself that there’s always something for him to overthink. Be it Phil, be it his life, anything. As he drinks his bitter coffee, he wonders if his personality is just as bitter. He likes to think that he’s a likeable chap who’s fun to hang out with. Sure, he’s a hopeless romantic and his head is in the clouds sometimes, but there’s a part of him that tends to engulf everything bad. Dark and bitter, just like his black coffee, maybe acidic even and that’s the reason none of his significant others stay.

So, there and then, he decides to change. Maybe it’s a small change, maybe it’ll last for five minutes. The morning is too beautiful for overthinking and they’re in freaking Venice! In the distance, Dan can just about see the spire of St Mark’s Basilica. So really, he has no time to overthink. That’s the future and he can worry about that in a week.

So he leaves his black coffee and gets a latte macchiato from the machine. He’s usually not one for sweet coffee, but maybe Phil’s rubbing off on him. He thinks about that as he watches his brew to get nice and foamy, and decides that today is the day. Provided that Phil feels just as enthusiastic about it, hopefully, today will end with Dan getting some.

Phil joins them soon after. He kisses Dan’s cheek before getting a coffee of his own.

“Seems like the boy’s got a crush on you,” Jimmy says, once Phil’s out of earshot and Jimmy realises with a pout that he’s not getting the same treatment.

“God, I hope,” Dan chuckles. “But so do I.”

“He was such a dork at uni.”

Dan blinks rapidly. “You two had a thing?”

“No!” Jimmy says quickly. “No, nothing like that. I was too busy with the radio stuff and he was too busy doing… well, whatever Phil does. Most of the time he was in his room, listening to Muse.”

“And that is,” Phil says suddenly, setting the mug on the table and then he sits next to Dan, “because Muse is great.”

Jimmy rolls his eyes. “Not at 3 am when I’m trying to sleep for a morning shift.”

“Muse is valid, mate, at all times. Come on, Dan, back me up.”

Dan laughs. “You were a dork,” he tells Phil then turns towards Jimmy, “but so were you!”

For a second, Jimmy looks like the Pikachu gasping meme. “Is this the treatment I deserve? I think I should just go and find Leo, maybe I can entertain his nan instead of you two idiots.”

“He’s with us today?” Phil asks Dan.

“Yep, we’re on babysitting duty.”

“God!” Jimmy throws his hands in the air, he’s pretending to be annoyed, but he’s so very clearly enjoying it. “Can we do this when we’re back home?”

“I’ll just make that my full-time job.” Dan grins. “Following you around 24/7 and annoying you.”

“I’m not paying you to do that,” Jimmy scoffs.

“Oh, but I am. Gladly.” Phil holds his hand out for a high five. Instead of giving him the satisfaction, Dan just intertwines their fingers. “So what’s the plan for today?”

Over pastries, they talk about the day ahead of them. Dan brings up the idea of them going on a gondola ride, but after Googling the prices, they disregard that idea. But Jimmy tells them that the cruise terminal is rather far away from all the touristy spots and it’s a stroll they’d rather not do in an Italian heatwave so that’s how they agree to get on a water bus. It’s still more expensive than a regular transport ticket, even in London, but it’ll give them a great view of the city and a faster way to get to all the famous spots.

Venice is, undoubtedly, gorgeous. But for some reason, at first, it doesn’t feel all good to Dan. It’s silly, really, but it’s too crowded, too touristy. Which, of course, he was expecting, but the cafes are catering to the tourists, he sees more selfie sticks than buildings and wherever he looks, he finds “I love Venezia” souvenirs - either on stands or people.

It’s fine, really, because that’s the point of it all. Maybe he was expecting the fairytale-like, idealistic version of Venice so that’s why he feels disappointed. The city is beautiful with its old, pale brown and orange buildings and terracotta roofs, with its narrow and winding streets and canals and bridges. So he feels silly to be so upset over something so small.

After a short shuttle bus ride to the ferry terminal, they make their way to find a water bus, a Vaporetto . The ride takes them just over forty minutes, but as it turns out, it’s just as good as a gondola ride, because they do get to see it all. Sure, they might be missing out on the experience of it, maybe even the very cliché singing of the gondolier, but Dan doesn’t really mind. They head down the Grand Canal, which is busy with boats and people on the banks of it. Once they’re in the actual cavalcade of Venice, Dan sees he was definitely mistaken. Sure, it’s busy and sure it doesn’t look as dreamy as he thought it would, but there’s no other city like this. It’s charming, it’s unique.

There are large houses right on the water, domes and spires of churches and unique buildings in the distance. Surprisingly, there are also construction machines on special boats, which would maybe ruin the scenery, but it’s way too unexpected for that. 

Dan, Phil and Jimmy quickly admit that they know too little about the geography of Venice so they can’t exactly comment on how it all looks. But from the maps on their phone and with a little help from Wikipedia, they quickly find out that it’s all located in the Venetian Lagoon, with several islands - 118 to be exact.

“One day, I’ll buy one of those islands,” Phil says, more to himself than his travel companions. “Maybe I’ll even let you have a holiday there.”

“Thanks, Phil,” Dan says with a snorty laugh. “So thoughtful.”

Jimmy looks away, but Dan can help but notice the grin on his face. “Well, I’ll come, but Dan will be living there with you.”

It takes all of Dan’s self-restraint not to knock Jimmy into the water. Thankfully, Phil doesn’t reply to that, he just has a polite smile on his lips. Maybe too polite, even.

“It’s insane,” Dan says. It’s barely heard among the lively chatter on the Vaporetto. Jimmy is too busy taking pictures, but Phil’s listening to him. “These houses are built on the water and they’re standing decades, if not centuries later.” He, of course, knows that Venice is sinking into the Adriatic Sea, but he’s too mesmerised to truly think about the mortality of city.

“You know what this reminds me of?  _ Castle in the Sky. _ ”

Dan’s heart beats just a little bit faster then. “How are you real?” He smiles at Phil. “You’re kind and nice and, “he lowers his voice even more so Jimmy definitely doesn’t here, “a fantastic kisser, but you’re also a Studio Ghibli fan.”

Phil laughs. “Well, I’m a man of many talents.”

“I feel like I won the jackpot.”

“So do I.” 

For the next few seconds, they stare into each other’s eyes. It would be so cheesy, except it’s not, because it’s Dan, the hopeless romantic. But when he hears Jimmy’s snickering, the magic is broken and the moment is gone.


	23. Day 9 - Venice

After a nudge from Jimmy, they get off just past a bridge. When they walk out of the ferry stop, their first place of interest is right there. It’s impressive, to say the least. It’s off-white and weather battered, but it’s famous for a reason.

“‘The Rialto Bridge’,” Jimmy reads to them, as they’re standing amidst the hundreds of people, “‘is the oldest of four bridges spanning the Grand Canal.’ Then it starts talking about the history of it, which is cool, but won’t interest you dorks.”

“It might,” Phil offers, but it’s nowhere near convincing.

Jimmy sighs. “Nevermind, that’s just the history nerd in me. Let’s just check it out instead.”

Standing in the middle of a crowd means that they’re just getting dragged along, pushed towards the bridge. The structure is impressive, the detailing is intricate. as it spans over the Grand Canal. The most surprising fact is that on the bridge, they find shops and small boutiques, enticing the visitors with knickknacks, expensive jewellery and designer clothes. From watch shops to premium leather handbag stalls, to luxury Italian shoe stores, everything can be found on the bridge. Including a bakery, with mouth-watering pastries and loaves of bread on display.

The swarm of tourists, loud talking in all kinds of languages reminds Dan of a bazaar - not that he has ever been in one, but it reminds him of the market from Sex and the City 2. All he’s missing now is the hectic life of Carrie Bradshaw. But then he looks at his companions and realises: he’s actually got it. Besides, who needs Big or Aiden when he’s got Phil? 

“This is crazy,” Jimmy says, holding onto the sleeve of Dan’s shirt. “I never knew shops were on the bridge.”

“Oh, Mr History Nerd.” Dan pushes his nose up with his finger and snorts. “I thought the history of it was cool.”

Phil snickers and for a second, Dan considers high fiving him. He almost does, then Jimmy pushes the two of them towards the railing of the bridge. The Sun is shining brightly above them, with no clouds in sight.

“Picture?” Phil asks the two of them.

Dan’s giant hand holds up his iPhone, with Jimmy to his right and Phil to his left. He snaps a couple of pictures and towards the end, Phil presses his lips against Dan’s cheek.

Once Jimmy realises, he says, “Oh, come on!”

Dan blushes, not because how outraged Jimmy was, but because it was such a tender moment, such a small, yet lovely and romantic thing to do. He really is head over heels for Phil.

“I think we should get real Italian coffee,” Dan suggests. “And we can’t leave Italy until we eat some authentic Italian food.”

“And dessert!” Phil says and Dan can practically see the images of cakes floating around his head.

“God, you’re the worst,” Jimmy says with a sigh. “It’s nothing but food with you two.”

“You chose to chaperone us.” Dan bumps against his shoulder with a grin.

“And I’m starting to regret us.”

“Come on, let’s beat the crowd to St Mark’s Square.” Phil starts walking off the bridge, following the map on his phone. “When in Venice, act like the tourists in Venice and get extremely overpriced cakes.”

Once Rialto Bridge is behind them, they’re welcomed by yet another batch of shops and stalls, selling anything and everything that anyone could ever want. There’s a small store, selling colourful Venetian carnival masks. Maybe it’s a bad idea to shop at the first store they come across, but the masks mesmerize them.

Dan buys a black mask, decorated with feathers and lace and crystals. It’ll look great on his wall. He also gets Louise a small magnetic mask in pink and a blue one for his mum. Jimmy and Phil get some bits and bobs as well and once they’re finished, they’re on their way to St Mark’s Square.

Which proves to be difficult. Venice is a labyrinth. They walk down an alleyway and end up in the wrong place, or take a wrong turn and get further away from their final destination. At times, the map shows that they’re supposed to turn left, but there’s no road. It also doesn’t help that they walk past more bakeries with fresh products or cafes with freshly ground coffee beans and the temptation is big. It takes them way longer than it should, but at least they do get to see this part of Venice, simply by getting lost.

Just before they reach St Mark’s Square, they fall into a small coffee shop. It’s in a hidden alleyway, away from the crowds. The only reason they found it is because Phil saw a cat and he started following it so of course Dan and Jimmy had to go after him.

It’s a small restaurant, only four tables fit inside the tiny space. There’s a glass storefront with colourful signs and posters. Inside, it’s light blue walls and old, white vinyl flooring. Most of the space is occupied by an ice cream freezer. There’s no air conditioning, only a blue fan, but it still brings them relief. 

A small, old man walks to them when they sit down by the windows.

“Buongiorno,” he greets them with a smile, then says something in Italian, but all three of them look clueless. “Tourists?” the old man says with a thick accent. “You come to Andrea’s caffé. How wonderful!” He claps his hands together.

“It’s lovely,” Phil says with a smile.

“Menu, yes?” He hands them a cream-coloured sheet each, the size of an A4 paper. “I come back soon.”

He hurries away, as fast as his old feet can take him.

“He’s so adorable,” Jimmy says.

“He just reminds me of Mario.” Phil giggles.

“Plumbing business went to shit, now he has a cafe,” Dan says, browsing the menu.

They only order what they think is a couple of scoops of ice cream, but it turns out to be so much more. Dan’s dark chocolate ice cream is topped with whipped cream and morello cherry sauce, Phil’s got vanilla and chocolate with salted caramel sauce, while Jimmy’s strawberry and cream have pistachio on top of it.

“That is the best ice cream I have ever had.” Phil pats his tummy, once his bowl is empty. The portions were generous and they definitely cooled them down. “Seriously, it was perfection.”

“I want to live here and eat ice cream until I die,” Dan sighs, looking at the ice cream chiller. 

“If you did, that would happen very soon,” Jimmy tells him, licking his spoon clean.

“But I would die happy.” 

Dan doesn’t understand how people miss this place. Granted it’s out of sight, down a small, nondescript alleyway that most people miss given it’s close to Venice’s main attractions. But this is heaven on Earth. He could just live here, he could have a life here. He can already imagine running this small ice cream parlour with a small, one-bedroom flat above it. He’s not a fan of customer service and doesn’t know shit about running a business, but he wants it. It’s stupid, it’s silly, it’s borderline insane, but he wants to give up everything he knows in London and open an ice cream shop in Italy.

He’s desperately in need of a change. He’s stuck. He’s been stuck for a while now, in old habits, in his job, in his bad headspace. While owning a restaurant in Italy might not be the best cure for that, but he needs something else, something very different.

“You enjoy?” the old man says, hurrying out from the back.

“Very much, thank you,” Dan is the first one to answer. “This is a wonderful place.” The answer seems to please the owner, who’s grinning. “The ice cream was fantastic.”

“Grazie, grazie!” He genuinely seems delighted, like no one ever really tells him that.

They pay, making sure to give him a generous tip and thank him once again. As they walk out, Dan takes a picture of the storefront and remembers where it is exactly, because he will have to come back.

Tracing their footsteps back to where they came from, they make it back into the crowd. Everyone seems to be heading one way, so Dan, Phil and Jimmy join them and within minutes, they’re in St Mark’s Square.

It’s nothing like it is in films, Dan reckons. First of all, it’s massive, a nice change after the small alleyways of the city. It’s also the busiest part of Venice, given the fact that it’s the middle of July. Dan can only wonder how the whole city hasn’t sunk yet. (He, of course, knows about the fatality of the city, but for the most part, he’s refusing to even think about that.)

It looks like a big box, without the lid. There are buildings on all four sides. To one side is the famous St Mark’s Basilica with its ornate facade. As they come to stand in front of the building, Dan studies the intricate details, the paintings of saints and martyrs. He still doesn’t know (or care) about religion, but even his amateur eyes can appreciate its beauty. Then, after a closer inspection, he realises they’re not even paintings, but mosaics, rather. 

“I’ve never seen anything so…” Phil says to him quietly, his voice almost lost in the crowd.

“Opulent?” Dan looks at the gold detailing of the mosaics and carved pieces. “Over the top?”

“But Phil, you see Dan every day,” Jimmy chimes in with a small laugh, like he’s the funniest guy in the world.

Dan rolls his eyes and Phil bumps against Jimmy’s shoulder. The two of them walk closer to the building, avoiding the people waiting in line to view the interior of it, but Dan stays there. He takes a couple of pictures of the basilica, until he’s satisfied with the outcome, then, before Phil and Jimmy could disappear in the crowd, he snaps a couple of photos of them as well. Finally, you can’t go to Venice without uploading a selfie in front of St Mark’s Basilica to your Instagram story.

Phil and Jimmy soon return. Their next stop, just left to the basilica, is the Clock Tower. They only know what they’re called because they have Google open on their phones, spewing facts about the buildings to each other. 

While it’s all beautiful and unique (and very unreal for Dan to be standing there), the other parts of it are quite uniform. The square is bordered by an arcade, above which are offices and shops, as well as a museum. Finally, just right to the basilica is the St Mark’s Campanile - a bell tower. Dan didn’t know what it was up until now, but he still recognises the brownish-red brick tower.

“You okay?” Phil asks him, dragging him back to reality.

“Yeah, I was just taking in the place,” Dan reaches for his hand and squeezes it. “Are you?”

“I’m most definitely fine,” Phil smiles at him.

“Enough with the sappy shit!” Jimmy pushes between them. “You’re not allowed to be all lovey-dovey while I’m here.”

“I think someone’s grumpy because someone misses their lovey-dovey,” Dan pretends to whisper it to Phil, making it very dramatic for no reason whatsoever.

“God, you’re the worst.” Jimmy links his arms into Dan’s and Phil’s and pulls them towards the opening between St Mark’s Basilica and the Campanile. “We’re going this way now. I’m not sure if we’re gonna see the Doge’s Palace or I’m gonna push you into the water. Haven’t decided that yet.”

Dan snorts. “Fair enough.”

The architecture of the Doge’s Palace features a similar arcade. The grandiose building expels power. Jimmy reads them a quick overview of the palace, saying “It was the residence of the Doge, the guy who ran the Venetian Republic.”

“I’m not sure he would like that title,” Phil says.

“It’s the best title ever,” Jimmy replies with Dan nodding in agreement.

They walk towards the waterfront, towards the Grand Canal. It’s bustling with life, with tourists talking all kinds of languages and locals regretting that the did not avoid this part of the city.

Dan stops for a second to take pictures of the Doge’s Palace and the view to the lagoon. Phil and Jimmy wait for him, they’re talking about something, but Phil’s looking at Dan with a smile so sincere on his lips that it makes Dan’s heart burst. It seems like that’s a smile reserved for only him. Suddenly the world stops around them, people disappear and it’s only them two.

Okay, so what if Dan’s that kind of person? Sappy and romantic and very cliche. Someone has to be. He loves love, he loves having that someone special in his life. And Phil is definitely special.

So the world stills around them. They don’t move, they’re still standing a couple of feet away. Dan’s vaguely aware that there are people walking past in his peripheral vision, but his eyes are only focused on Phil. This is a guy he could love. This is a guy he will love if he has the chance.

Some loves just bubble, some are bursting at the seams. But some have the chance to become a tale written in the stars, a love that’s travelling through time and space. The ‘yeah, this is  _ it,  _ this is a big one’ kind of love. He knows he’s being ridiculous thinking about love but can’t help it. Phil is… everything. He’s wonderful, kind, smart, witty. So really, it’s simple.

“Oh my god, stop eye-fucking!” Jimmy says, stepping between the two. Sounds and people return, and Dan’s no longer on an astral plane with Phil. “Can you just, finally do it? You would do everyone a huge favour.”

Dan rolls his eyes but keeps smiling. “Let’s sit by the water,” he suggests, changing the topic.

They cut through the crowd and make it to the steps on the edge of the canal. Once they sit, their view is blocked by gondolas, but  _ their view is blocked by gondolas.  _ Not everyone can say that. In the distance, they can still see other islands. If they had more time, Dan would most definitely want to check them out, but alas, that is not the case sadly.

The Italian Sun is shining strongly above them as they head into the afternoon. Seemingly the people decided to seek shelter from the heatwave, retreating to restaurants or their hotel rooms. Dan can definitely feel the sweat on the small of his back - he’s just glad he’s not wearing black.

“I’ll go get us something to drink,” Jimmy says, looking at a bodega in the distance. “You can be as lovey-dovey as you want while I’m gone.”

“Thanks, Jim,” Dan says with a chuckle and then turns towards Phil. “Oh, honeybee, sweetie pie, pudding, sugar lips, smoo--”

“I said, while I’m gone!” Jimmy scoffs. “I can’t believe I signed up for third-wheeling. Willingly!” He stands and leaves.

Dan and Phil start laughing once he’s gone. “He’s such a dork,” Phil says fondly.

“He is.” Dan watches as Phil gets his tiny bottle of sunscreen. “Here, let me.” 

Phil hands him the bottle. Dan squirts some on the tips of his fingers, then with expert movements, he rubs it on Phil’s cheeks and forehead, then turns special attention to the tip of his nose that’s starting to get a bit red.

“Thanks.”

Dan quickly finishes sunscreening Phil’s face and kisses his lips. It’s only a short one, but it’ll be enough (maybe) until they get back onto the ship. “Give your arms.”

“Should I just take them off, or?”

“Yeah, please, I’ll just use them to hit some sense into you.”

Phil laughs. “Is it like in  _ Guardians of The Galaxy  _ when Rocket tells Groot he needs the leg?”

Dan tilts his head back and laughs like a hyena. There are times when he’s ashamed of his laughter, but this is not one of those times. “Yes, Phil, it’s exactly like that.”

He makes sure that Phil’s arms and back of his neck are properly covered. There’s something intimate about it, something unspoken. Once he’s finished, his hand lingers on Phil's forearm, craving that connection.

“Do you ever get bored of me?” Phil's voice is small. He’s looking at the boats and gondolas travelling past, his eyes refusing to meet Dan’s.

“Of course I get bored of you, that’s why I want to be with you 24/7.” Phil looks at him, he’s smiling, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Dan threads their fingers together. “No, I’m never bored of you, you doofus,” he says softly, squeezing Phil’s hand just a bit. “I like your face quite a lot. Especially when it’s against mine.”

The tension is gone from Phil’s body as he laughs, tongue poking out. “You’re such a weirdo.”

“But you like it.”

Fondness glistens in Phil’s eyes. “I do. I really do.”

“Alright, that’s enough sappiness,” Jimmy says as he returns with three red-blue slushies. They’re already melting, the plastic cups are sweating, but it looks delicious nonetheless. He hands Dan and Phil their drinks then sits next to Dan. “I’m gonna go to Greenland after this trip, I need me some cold now.”

“Cruise to Scandinavia?” Dan suggests, half-joking, half-serious.

“I don’t think my stomach can take another cruise in this lifetime,” Phil says, head hanging as he’s drinking from the slushie.

“Well, then we just need to remove your stomach.”

“Dan, come on,” Jimmy scoffs. “I’m trying to… Do you eat slushie? Or do you drink it?”

While they finish their beverages, they discuss that, but come to no conclusion.

Before they get sunstroke, they decide to go back to the ship. The three of them make their way back towards Rialto Bridge, finding an easier route this time.

Dan is a bit disappointed that he can’t eat anything Italian. It’s too hot for pretty much everything other than gelato and cold drinks. Their excursion is not over yet, they still have hours before they have to make it back to the ship, but all three are drenched in sweat.

Their route leads them past shops and stores of every kind. Dan goes into a clothes shop when something grabs his attention in the window, while Jimmy and Phil go on their own adventures, agreeing to meet up in 15 minutes.

It’s a bright space, with mannequins wearing different outfits. Before he goes in, Dan checks the prices. While it’s still expensive, it’s within his normal budget. Besides, he can rationalise it by convincing himself that he can wear it at home.

So he goes in and within seconds he knows there are items he will get. Since he doesn’t have time to try everything, he just hopes for the best as he gets a couple of items off of shelves and hangers. He also sees something for Phil which he’ll like, Dan’s sure of it.

He doesn’t think twice about the clothes. (Or maybe he should because they’re mostly black, but he doesn’t really care.) Sure, they’re not Primark affordable, but he loves them so he’ll get it. Future Dan can worry about the financials.

He’s served by a grumpy yet snobby teenager who puts Dan’s stuff in a paper bag and barely barks two words at him.

He meets up with Phil and Jimmy outside the store. Jimmy has new sunglasses and a hat that looks stupid on his head but Dan and Phil don’t say anything. Phil has a plastic bag filled with more souvenirs. Also, Dan can’t help but notice how odd Phil’s being.

“You okay?” Dan strokes the back of Phil’s hand.

Phil turns to him, looking spaced out. “Hm? Oh yeah.” He chuckles a bit nervously. “Just the heat.”

Dan nods and doesn’t press the issue, even though he’s sure there’s something else there.


	24. Day 9 - Venice

Dan almost cries when the air conditioning of the cruise ship hits his face. All three of them sigh in relief as they just stand right underneath the cool air.

“I think I need a cold shower,” Jimmy says slowly, almost zoned out. They’re enjoying the breeze way too much to move.

“Mm, okay,” Phil says, his eyes closed. They’re all too mellow, too drunk. 

After another minute Jimmy says, “Okay, I’m going. I’ll meet you for dinner in Emerald, how about that? At 6?”

“Sure, Jim,” Phil smiles at him then they watch as he leaves. “Come back to mine?” he asks Dan.

“Yeah. I got you something.”

“You didn’t…”

“I did. Besides, I want to try on my clothes and I need a second opinion.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “I’m sure you’re better at fashion than me.”

“But you can tell me how my ass looks in the shorts.”

Dan doesn’t regret saying this. Yesterday, he might’ve regretted that, but today, he’s hopeful. For a great night he’s planning to have with Phil.

“Then I hope you and your ass get to my room right about now.” Phil reaches for Dan’s hand and drags him towards the lift. “Also, once the fashion show is over, we’re going swimming.”

Seeing Phil in nothing but swim shorts? Hair wet? Sunglasses on? This day just keeps getting better and better.

Back in Phil’s room, Phil immediately takes the best seat to watch Dan’s impromptu fashion show. He sits on the middle of his bed so Dan has a chance to parade around the room freely.

Dan places the paper bag on the bed next to Phil. “No peeking, you get your something something at the end.”

For a few seconds, he thinks about getting changed in the bathroom. He would do that out of decency plus for the theatrics of it, but he’s feeling cocky, he’s feeling like a little shit. He wants to feel Phil’s eyes on him.

It’s not a striptease. Dan’s far too ungracious for that. So he just sits on a chair as he undresses, not saying anything at all. He’s not even looking at Phil, but he still can feel Phil’s gaze burning into his skin.

Dan slowly unbuttons his linen shirt with slightly trembling fingers. He’s quietly humming an unknown tune to calm his nerves. He leaves it on, though, and unbuttons his shorts and pulls them off his legs. Once they’re off, once he’s standing in black boxers and open shirt, he stands and turns to lay his shirt on the back of the chair.

The springs of the mattress creak and soon there is a hand on either side of his hips. He smiles a bit because this is the kind of reaction he was waiting for.

“Can I?” Phil whispers against his shoulder.

Phil is an utter gentleman. Only his hands touch Dan, and even though Dan can feel his breath on his naked skin, Phil keeps his distance until he has Dan’s consent.

“Yeah,” Dan exhales.

Phil softly kisses Dan’s tanned shoulder. It’s a featherlight kiss as if a butterfly just landed on his shoulder. It sends a small shock down his spine.

Dan shudders as Phil kisses towards his neck. Usually, he hates when people touch it. It makes him cringe, makes him squirm, but now, he tilts his head the other way so Phil has better access who takes it as intended - as an encouragement. His breaths ruffle the tiny hairs on Dan’s skin, who moans into the touch.

Suddenly, Phil’s hands grip Dan’s sides more firmly, pulling him backwards, until Dan’s back is pressed against Phil’s chest. He’s also feeling a bit exposed and gets more aware of the fact that he’s the only one half-naked. Which is something they can change quite quickly.

Dan turns and crushes his lips against Phil’s. He throws his arms around Phil’s neck and kisses him like his life depends on it. It’s a drunk, hungry, insatiable kiss. His fingers find their way into Phil soft, black strands. He gently tugs at them before massaging Phil’s scalp.

“Fuck,” Phil breathes against Dan’s well-kissed lips as he pulls away from some air. “Fuck, Dan.”

“I’m trying.” Dan giggles quietly.

Phil laughs as well and kisses the tip of Dan’s nose. “Can I get my fashion show now?”

“I’m starting to think you care more about clothes than me.”

“Definitely.”

He kisses Dan once more then lets him go and takes his seat on the bed again. Dan can’t help but notice the slight bulge in Phil’s shorts.

So Dan puts on a damn show. The first item he tries on is black and dark green check shorts. It fits him quite well and to make sure he turns around so his ass is towards Phil and bends down.

He hears a scoff from Phil and can practically see his eyes rolling. Dan gets all innocent and turns to him. “I need to make sure they fit perfectly.”

“10 out of 10 for ass content.”

“Thanks, mate.”

Dan pairs it with a white, almost satiny t-shirt with black abstract patterns. It’s a bit tight across his chest, but he reckons it’ll do on night outs. Not that he ever does night outs, but still.

“Looks great,” Phil says, feigning enthusiasm.

“No, it doesn’t.” Dan sighs once he checks himself in the mirror. He looks like a modern pantomime in it.

“No, it doesn’t. Next?”

Dan changes into black denim shorts and a black cropped t-shirt with a small rainbow on it over his heart. It’s not usually a look he goes for, but he’s kind of into it. The top is showing off just the tiniest amount of his stomach.

“What do you think?” Dan asks, twisting and turning so he can see himself in the mirror. “ I quite like it.”

“Come here.” Phil reaches for Dan’s hand and pulls him closer until he’s standing in front of him. Phil is still sat on the bed, so he only reaches Dan’s chest. “Can I?”

“You don’t need to ask that. You know you can.”

Phil lifts the bottom of the crop top, just a bit until he can kiss Dan’s soft tummy. Dan melts against the touch as his cheeks go a bit pink. Phil’s pressing small, gentle kisses on his skin, never moving further up or town, just lingering in one spot, just above his belly button. 

Once again, his hands end up in Phil’s hair, just holding it there as Phil kisses his stomach. He wants to keep it going, he wants it to get hotter, but at the same time, he likes it too much, the attention Phil pays to his skin.

“Dan…” Phil croaks, unable to say anything, but Dan knows what he wants to tell him.

“I still have something to show you.” Dan forces himself to step away and reaches into the bag. He pulls out a black, satin kimono, that reaches well below his knees. It’s not usually something he buys, but he got mesmerised in the shop when he saw it. He puts it own and twirls in front of Phil. “What do you reckon?”

“You look gorgeous.”

Dan wants to climb over Phil, kiss him dead and straddle his hips until they both beg for more. But not until he gives Phil his present.

“It’s not a lot, it’s definitely not like the romper,” he says as he takes out the t-shirt he picked for Phil, “but I thought of you when I saw it.”

Phil takes the top from him, unfolds it and holds it in front of him. It’s a plain white t-shirt, with black floral contrast sleeves.

“I love it,” Phil smiles, looking at Dan. “Thank you.”

Dan fiddles with the sleeve of his kimono, not looking at Phil. He’s worried that he’ll see the lust in his eyes, that Phil will see just how much Dan wants him.

But Phil reaches for his hand, and pulls him in, pulls him close. He puts his hands on Dan’s waist and helps him climb over his lap until Dan’s sat firmly on his thighs. Just liked Dan daydreamt it, only it’s a lot better.

Phil moves his hands to either side of Dan’s neck, thumbs caressing the red spots on Dan’s jaws. Dan’s eyes flutter shut. There’s divine beauty in front of him and all he can do is close his eyes.

After a few seconds of sitting like that, Phil leans in and kisses the spot above Dan’s collarbone. There’s an ever so slight stubble grazing Dan’s skin, but he likes. He likes it a lot. Then, as he kisses the collarbone on the other side, Phil moves his hand to the small of Dan’s back.

And Dan can’t take it any longer. He puts a finger underneath Phil’s chin, tilting his head backwards and kisses him. It’s easily the best kiss he’s ever had. But then again, every kiss of theirs is the best.

Dan, drunk on hormones, on horniness, on Phil, says, “I want you so much.”

There’s a soft, quiet groan. Phil grazes his teeth against Dan’s lower lip. “You have me.”

“You know what I mean.”

Dan kisses Phil again like his life depends on it. He clings to Phil, never wanting to move away. And it’s not like Phil’s complaining. He kisses back, with the same kind of fierceness and hunger.

With a swift, but ungracious move, Dan pushes Phil backwards, until he hits the bed with a soft thud. Dan, still straddling his hips, leans over Phil and starts kissing his neck. How he wishes they were wearing fewer clothes.

He lightly bites into Phil’s delicate skin, wanting to leave his mark. Phil quietly almost inaudibly moans at that and goes to grab Dan’s ass. Dan yelps, not in pain, just surprise, yet Phil still looks at him worried. Dan laughs, trying to calm Phil’s nerves, but it’s not helping.

“I’m fine,” he promises Phil. “I just liked that move a whole lot.”

Dan leans down to press kisses on Phil’s lips. Nudging Phil’s legs apart with his feet, he settles between them, so they’re as close as they can be fully clothed.

Only then he feels Phil’s semi through four layers of fabric. So the bulge in Phil’s shorts wasn’t shadow play. The thought of that, the fact that Dan’s the reason for it, sends sparks all over his body - some of which end up in his own dick.

Suddenly craving some sort of friction, Dan grinds his hips against Phil’s. That earns a whimper from Phil, which only encourages Dan more. So he kisses him again, needy but taking his time.

After maybe a few seconds or a few hours of kissing, Phil pushes him away. Dan looks at him worried, thinking he did something wrong.

“Dan, I want you too, but not like this, not when we have to get to dinner.” He kisses Dan’s cheek and brushes a couple of stray curls away from his forehead. “I want to spend hours in bed with you and not rush anywhere. I wanna have pillow talk and cuddles and tired kisses.”

“Fuck, I want that too.”

“It kills me to say this, but let’s wait. At least until we don’t have any plans.”

Reasonably, Dan knows this. He wants to take his time adoring Phil’s body, savour every moment. But also, he just wants Phil’s naked body against his, his fingertips roaming endless circles on his back, his hands holding his as he fucks him into oblivion.

Okay, the last bit is not very romantic, Dan realises, but  _ god,  _ he wants it.

“Fine,” Dan groans, but he doesn’t move. He’s fairly comfortable on top of Phil, in between his legs. “Is kissing allowed? Making out?”

Phil has a sly smile on his lips. “I don’t trust you. I mean I do, but I don’t. I’m worried you’d use your magic on me and things would get naughty very quickly. Then poor Jimmy would be eating dinner on his own.”

“Fuck Jimmy.”

“I’d rather fuck you.”

“You’re not helping!” Dan pushes himself off of Phil, adjusting his now rather tight shorts. Also, Phil has the audacity to laugh like a little shit. “Drinks then dinner? It’s the least I deserve.”

“Sure, but shower first.” Dan’s eyes light up when he says that, but unfortunately, Phil catches that way too quickly. “On your own. You stink, mate.”

Dan pouts and takes Phil’s hand to pull him back to sitting position. “I do not.” Phil’s black quiff fell apart and it’s on its way to sex hair. If only, Dan (and his heart) sighs. “You’re so fucking hot.”

“Takes one to know one.” Phil stands to kiss Dan. He intends it to be light and quick, but Dan keeps him there, deepening the kiss. “Dan, Dan.” Phil pats his chest, pushing his away a bit. “Hear me when I say this. I really want it, I really want you, but I want to take my time.” He leans in, whispering in Dan’s ear. “I want to lick your skin, I want to kiss you, I want to know what you look like when you come.”

Dan makes a noise; it’s somewhere between pleasure and pain. “I am… going now.” He stuffs his clothes back in the paper bag and holds it in front of him like he’s doing a walk of shame. “You’re a menace, sir. Good day!” He walks out the door, but before he closes it, he looks back at Phil. “Just so you know, I’m going to have a really good wank in the shower thinking about you.”

He leaves Phil’s room whose shocked laugh still echoes in Dan’s ears.

After Ms Lopes gets the pictures from him after he puts his clothes away and after a lengthy and  _ very  _ satisfying shower, Dan feels blisses out. He puts on a pair of black boxers and lays on his bed, reading his book.

He actually really likes it. He can get lost in it for hours. It’s still not his favourite, after all, nothing can beat  _ Man in the Sea, _ but he loves Crowley. Dan has to reread a page about three times while he thinks about how much he adores Crowley’s writing. Dan reads, not a lot, and definitely not as much as he used to, but he still does. He loves his romance novels and chick lits (even though they tend to be straight as fuck). But in his experience, no one has a way with words like Crowley does. He’s effortlessly funny, his characters are great and he keeps Dan on the edge of his seat.

Dan wonders if it’s weird to love someone as much as he loves Crowley. He doesn’t even know his real name - after all, he’s fairly certain that Crowley is a big  _ Supernatural  _ fan. But Crowley doesn’t do meets and greets, signings or parties. In Dan’s mind, Crowley is either a 20-year-old girl in America or a 67-year-old biker guy in Sydney. Literally no in between.

A knock on his door startles him. He grabs the first thing to cover himself with; the black kimono apparently looks great on his slightly tanned skin, completing his only-wearing-boxers-because-i-just-got-out-of-the-shower look.

It’s only Phil who’s looking very dapper. He’s wearing beige chinos which he paired with a pastel Hawaiian shirt; literally, the one person who can pull it off - although Dan would like to pull it off. Of him.

“You look amazing,” Dan lets him into the cabin. As Phil walks by, he greets him with a kiss. “Am I late?”

“No, I just missed you.” They both shy rather bashfully, which is very different from the thing Phil says next. “How was your shower wank?”

“Oh, it was lovely, thank you for asking! How was yours?”

“Great,” Phil says with a laugh, but the tips of his ears pinken a bit.

They both sit on Dan’s bed; Dan against the headboard, Phil on the edge so he doesn’t crease his outfit. The book is still open on Dan’s bed and he’s stopped caring and trying to hide it. 

“Sure you don’t want to skip dinner? I’m sure Jimmy would understand.”

“I’m sure. You’ll need your energy.” 

Phil doesn’t say anything else then. Dan sits up so fast that his head goes dizzy. “Energy for what?” Phil keeps smirking, but he doesn’t talk. “Energy for what, Phil?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” He pats Dan’s cheek. “On second thought, you should get ready. I’m certain you’d like to get back to your room as soon as possible.”

“Who are you and what did you do to my dorky Phil?”

“He had a really good shower so you get cocky Phil.”

“Oh, you mean,  _ cock _ y Phil?” Dan wiggles his eyebrows when he says that, then immediately regrets the awful pun.

Dan quickly gets dressed in his black chinos and blue short sleeve shirt, while Phil watches him. He feels this is all counterproductive, but deep down he knows getting dressed is essential for a fantastic night. And Dan intends to have a night like that.


	25. Day 9 - Venice

By the time they leave Dan’s room, it’s time for them to meet Jimmy in Emerald for dinner. They walk down the corridors hand in hand, gently tugging or pushing from time to time. Dan loves teasing Phil and Phil loves to be teased. It’s quite a good dynamic they’ve got. Plus there’s an insane amount of flirting. 

Sure, they _could_ tone it down, keep it to themselves, but where’s the fun in that? They’re on holiday and the only person they know is Jimmy and well… After flirting with Phil and kissing him, Dan’s third favourite activity is annoying Jimmy. So putting him in this slightly awkward position is utterly delightful to Dan.

The man himself is waiting for them in the restaurant. Jimmy’s got a table in the middle of the space and he’s looking very lonely.

“Should we, I don’t know, find Leo?” Dan asks before they reach the table.

“What, why?”

“I know what third-wheeling is like.”

“He said he doesn’t mind,” Phil says, almost matter-of-factly. Dan stops and Phil turns to look at him with a sigh. “He told me. In Venice. He said he really doesn’t care that we’re all, and I quote ‘sickly lovey’ because he is too. He just wants to see us, to see _you_ happy.” Dan looks into Phil’s eyes, only 85% believing him. “He said you deserve it and again, I quote, he said it not me, there’s no one as perfect for you like me.” Phil blushes.

With his disbelief out the window, Dan smiles and puts a hand on Phil’s jaw. “That’s true. Come on, let’s eat.”

“Hey, lovebirds!” Jimmy greets them. He’s grinning widely - thanks to the cider in front of him. “I was gonna wait for you, but… Oh well.”

“Someone,” Phil nudges Dan with his elbow, “was procrastinating.”

“Oh come on, we weren’t even late. That was literally my first question.”

“I’ve been thinking,” Jimmy starts, ignoring them. “We should get drunk one of these evenings. Drinking games, cheap booze we smuggle onto the ship, the whole proper we’re-at-uni-let’s-get-wasted shebang. We’ll get Leo and we’ll play never have I ever.”

Dan rolls his eyes out of reflex, but he doesn’t actually mind the idea. It would be funny to see Jimmy drunk who’s hilarious by default but even funnier when drunk. Plus, he would get the whole experience of drunk Phil and maybe some very sloppy, very unashamed kissing. If they had a sea day the next day, Dan would suggest that they do it right away, that evening.

“I’m worried that it would kill me with the whole travel sickness,” Phil admits quietly. “But when we’re back in London, 100%. I mean, a couple of drinks are fine, but not wasted.”

Jimmy pouts but nods. “Fair enough, haven’t thought about that. Let’s eat, then.”

After a very filling dinner (maple soy glazed salmon with roast potatoes and veggies, then Dan and Phil shared a passion fruit Pavlova), the three of them head upstairs to Citrine.

Sunset is still a couple of hours away. Everything looks like a van Gogh painting. The sky is incredibly blue, with no clouds in sight, not even those fluffy ones that look like whipped cream. Seagulls are calling, soaring through the heavens above them, before shooting straight into deep blue, endless looking the water, looking for their own dinners. The whole deck is still basking in the warm late afternoon sunlight as they’re sailing down the Adriatic Sea towards Korcula, their next stop. It’s all so perfect.

Jimmy gets the first round of drinks, coconut mojitos. It’s perfectly cold and light, the very best thing after a scorching day. For a while, they don’t even talk, just sip their cocktails as they watch the cruise workers hang fairy lights around. Or at least Jimmy does, because Dan and Phil are too busy smirking at each other and playing footsie under the table.

“You know,” Jimmy says suddenly, setting down his glass, “I thought we needed to get drunk for teenage behaviour. It turns out, you two just have to start playing footsie under the table.”

“Did we get you?” Phil asks.

“You did! Twice!”

Dan laughs. He actually did it on purpose, just to fuck with Jimmy. “I mean, oops.”

Jimmy raises his finger to stop him. “Don’t even. We all know you’re not actually sorry.”

Dan grins at him and finishes his drink. He’s probably drinking it too fast, but that’s the point of being on a cruise, after all. The alcohol will soon make him giggly and he’ll get handsy with Phil. “You like it,” he tells Jimmy.

Jimmy can’t hide his smile and Dan has his answer. They became friends under the strangest conditions due to a very odd, but very real connection. And Dan’s really glad they did. In a way, this is all thanks to Jimmy. He wouldn’t have met Phil if it wasn’t for Jimmy. Or maybe he was, he’d like to believe that it was destiny that brought them together. But Jimmy saw Phil that morning so it was him who brought the two of them together.

Or actually…

“You’re not gonna like what I’m about to say,” Dan says to them. “This is all possible because of Patrick.”

Jimmy thinks about it before slowly nodding. “I mean, sure, I’m on this cruise because I paid for us to come here and you're here because you were selected by the company, but thanks, Patrick!”

Dan gently kicks Jimmy’s feet. “Don’t be an idiot, you know what I mean.”

“You gotta stop letting ‘rick the dick control your life.” 

Dan looks at Phil for some backup, but it doesn’t come. Instead, what Phil says is, “You know Jim’s right.”

“Yeah, listen to your man,” Jimmy grins at Dan, “and realise what you have here.”

“Oh my god, will you two just shut up?” Dan sighs. “I’ll get the next round, then you’ll listen to me.”

Dan makes his way towards the bar. He’s not annoyed with them, he’s annoyed with the fact that they’re not hearing him.

At the bar, once he gets to the counter, he’s met with a familiar face.

“My favourite customer!” Mina’s smiling face greats him. She leans in so that only Dan can hear her. “Finally someone who won’t treat me like shit.”

“Is it that bad?”

“Middle-aged men drunk on their very macho, neat whiskeys? Yeah, it’s bad.”

“I’m so sorry. But you’re doing a great job and gotta say, your poker face is excellent.”

She laughs. “Thanks, I appreciate that. So what can I get you?”

“Well, we just had coconut mojitos, so surprise me with something. Three of them, please.”

She grins. “You truly are my favourite customer!” She turns and bumps into her coworker. “Sorry, Holly,” Mina blushes and tightens her ponytail.

Dan smiles to himself. It seems like, he isn’t the only one who found someone on this ship.

Mina starts cutting a grapefruit. Right in front of Dan, which gives him the perfect opportunity to chat with her.

“So… Holly, hm?” He has to say this all quietly because she’s serving a customer nearby. “I ship it, I ship… Milly.”

She looks up to him, before returning her look to the fruit in front of her. “It’s not what it looks like.”

“Sure, that’s what I said about my ex being emotionally abusive.”

Mina stares at him. “What…?”

“That’s a conversation for another day. So, Holly? Why don’t you give it a go?”

“Company policy. Can’t fraternise with a coworker while on duty.”

They stay quiet as Holly walks past them to get a glass. As she does, she puts her hand on Mina’s hip and smiles at her. Mina suddenly becomes a blushing mess.

“Well, the cruise ends in a couple of days…”

“End of discussion, or you’ll lose the favourite customer title.”

He smiles at her and decides to change the topic. He knows how annoying it is to have someone who keeps pushing your love life. “So how come you’re working this evening? I thought you only did afternoons.”

“Overtime. Someone got sick so I’m covering.” She squeezes lemon juice into a bowl and pours some salt onto a separate plate. “I would be in the theatre, handing out leaflets. Trust me, this is better.”

Dan watches her dip the glasses into the lemon juice then the salt. After that she puts some ice in the glasses, pours tequila over them, followed by lime juice and a bit of salt. Finally, she fills the glasses with a pink liquid and decorates them with the grapefruit she cut up.

“So what are we having?” Dan asks as he hands over his card.

“Paloma,” she says, swiping Dan’s card. “Not my creation, but I figured you’d like it.”

“It looks delicious.” She loads them onto a tray and slides it across the bar for Dan. “Thanks so much. And seriously, think about the whole Milly thing for after the cruise. I think there’s something there.”

She rolls her eyes. “We’ll see.”

Dan takes the platter back to the table, going slow to make sure he doesn’t trip or doesn’t drop the glasses. Phil and Jimmy are talking and laughing and having a good time.

“Finally!” Jimmy says when he spots Dan nearing the table.

“You took your time.” Phil helps Dan with the drinks, then once they’re safely on the table, he kisses Dan. “Mm, coconut-y.”

“No shit, Sherlock,” Jimmy giggles. “We just had that.”

“Asshole.”

Dan looks between the two of them, and says, “Well, the tone changed quickly. Quicker than Archie’s interests in _Riverdale_.”

All three of them laugh.

“At least he still takes his shirt off,” Phil says.

“Dan, you gotta take your shirt off more or Phil will leave you for a cartoon character.”

Dan pets Phil’s head, running his fingers through his hair. “Mmm, he can. Archie Andrews is the only one he can leave me for.”

“And Thor.”

Dan snorts. “Mate, _I’m_ leaving you for Thor.”

Jimmy is just looking at them, smiling. It’s not a ‘you’re fucking idiots’ smile, it’s a genuine, ‘I’m happy for you’ smile. And Dan really appreciates that. It’s not that Dan needs Jimmy’s approval, but he’s really happy how things are turning out to be. He’s got a very special someone in Phil, but he also found a friend along the way - a friend he’ll hopefully have for the rest of his life.

“Right,” Jimmy says, “you were gonna tell us your big revelation.”

“Oh, yeah.” Dan drinks from the cocktail. It’s too much tequila for him, and too bitter, but it’s not that bad. “I’m not saying we should go to Card Factory and get a card for him to thank him. We could be hating each other now,” he says to Jimmy. “You know how easy it was for him to get into my head. Maybe yours as well, I don’t know, but he could’ve made us into enemies. When he stormed out of the restaurant, but left us there, you made the choice to stay there. And fuck, I’m so happy you did.”

“Dan, drinks are making you sappy?” Jimmy asks with a smile, but it’s not a mocking smile. It’s a happy smile because he agrees with Dan’s words.

“Shut up,” Dan mumbles. He turns to Phil and in that moment, maybe it’s the truthfulness of his words, maybe it’s the alcohol, he can’t hide just how fond he is of Phil. And he doesn’t want to. “Where am I going with this? You make me forget everything.”

“Is it a good thing or a bad thing?” Phil asks, sounding worried.

At the same time, Jimmy says, “He’s gone, so can we stop talking about him?”

Dan nods, still looking at Phil. He could get lost in Phil’s eyes for hours, if not days. When he’s looking at him, everything is okay. He’s okay. He’s not just a thousand broken pieces of a heart, constantly glued back together with superglue. He’s not floating alone in the middle of a dark ocean with no one in sight. Instead, his heart is whole and there are flowers of all kinds blooming in it. Sure, it’s too much pressure to put on one person and he knows that Phil isn’t the cage holding his damaged heart together while it’s healing. Phil is just a guy with soul so kind that being near him helps Dan. After all, it’s a battle he has to fight and win on his own, but Phil’s there for him.

For now, that annoying little bastard, the nagging voice in the back of his head says, but he quickly suppresses it with the tequila.

“What are we doing tomorrow?” Dan asks. “What do we know about Korcula?”

“I’m having pasta,” Phil says. “I fancy some pasta.”

“Mate, just get room service, you don’t need dry land for that. But we’ll Google it in the morning like we usually do.” Jimmy drinks from his cocktail and shudders. Seemingly no one’s enjoying the drink. “I mean we haven’t got lost.”

“Save me,” Leo says suddenly, walking to their table. “My family is killing me.” Jimmy sits up straight and pulls out a chair for him. Leo leans down to kiss him before sitting and turns to Dan and Phil. “How’s everything?”

“So much better now that you’re here,” Dan replies. “Now you can babysit him.”

“Yeah, cause they want to go back down and start having S-E-X.”

Phil stares at him. “Jim, we’re all adults, we know how to spell sex.”

“Wow,” Leo scratches his head, “looks like I missed a lot.”

For a while, they have a group conversation. They fill each Leo in about their day, then Leo does the same. Soon after, Leo and Jimmy start talking, catching up after not spending 12 hours together, and Dan and Phil talk about _Riverdale._

20 minutes after he arrives, Jimmy and Leo excuse themselves and leave. Dan’s very tempted to yell after them, saying ‘have fun having S-E-X’, but refrains. He’d rather not get kicked off of the ship.

“Wanna go for a walk?” Dan suggests. The Sun is now low on the horizon, the lower bit almost disappearing behind the vast sea.

“Sure.”

They head down to the Prom deck. Neither of them have walked around the entire thing, so it’s a novelty for them both. There are a couple of other passengers loitering, but most of them are at dinner or one of the entertainment venues. Dan doesn’t mind the relative solitude he gets with Phil.

They walk hand in hand. There’s no need for it because they won’t lose each other, but it’s nice. Dan feels all warm and gooey inside, thanks to the warm hand holding his. And he likes having Phil’s fingers mixed with this. They’re warm and delicate, a bit boney, but it makes everything so much more real.

“So are you having fun on the cruise?” Dan asks. They’re walking towards the front of the ship, the bow. “No travel sickness?”

Phil shrugs “I try not to think about it. It’s not as bad as it used to be.”

“Should we go up?” Dan’s worried. Walking right next to the water and watching the waves might not be the best idea for Phil.

“No, it’s okay for now, thanks.”

It’s one of those slow and quiet evenings where everything seems to be good and peaceful. The air is still warm around them, the scent thick with the saltiness of the water. Even the elderly couple walking past them, taking their evening stroll, seems blissed out.

Talking seems to be overrated for now. The low, steady murmur of the motors are there to provide background noise, but Dan doesn’t feel the need to fill the silence. That’s a first, he knows. He feels happy. It’s all perfect.

“You alright?” Phil asks carefully as if he’s trying his best not to break the quiet that surrounds them.

“Yeah, I’m just…” Dan’s not sure how to finish that sentence, so he just smiles at Phil. “Are you?”

“Yeah, same.”

For the next few seconds they don’t say anything, but then start laughing at the same time. “We’re so awkward,” Dan says, mid-laughter.

“That we are.” Phil bumps against his shoulder. “But hey, I found someone who’s just as awkward as I am.”

“A match made in heaven.” Dan grins. A couple of days ago, he would’ve had a freak out about that. Maybe he still would right now, but the evening is too beautiful for that and he feels a special warmth in his heart right now.

Phil laughs again, but it sounds distant. Then, suddenly he stops and says, “Let’s keep doing this.” Dan furrows his brows. “I mean, I know this is soon and this is definitely not the time or the place to have this chat, but I want to see you when we’re back in London. If-if that’s okay with you.” Phil blushes and looks away.

Dan smiles and steps in closer to kiss Phil. It’s a small, romantic kiss, the kind that makes Dan’s heart stop because it’s seemingly insignificant, but it’s sweet and lovely. Then Phil puts his hands on the small of his back and pulls him in.

“Phil, Phil,” Dan softly pats his chest, “I’d love to, but we’ll get kicked off for indecency.”

“Sorry, you’re right.”

Dan kisses his cheek. “I’d love to see where this goes.”

Phil smiles and takes Dan’s hand again. Instead of continuing on their evening walk, he pulls him towards some of the deck chairs. 

The view is just gorgeous, Dan can’t stop looking at it. Every time he thinks about just how lucky he is, he could cry. He feels like he won the lottery without ever entering and hit the jackpot straight away. If only he could spend less time in his head…

“I don’t want to go back to London.” Phil shakes his head and continues, “I mean, back to work. There are no deadlines, no pressure here. Back home, it’s just…” He sighs. “Poppy telling me to do this, do that, go there, go here.”

“Is it that bad?”

“No, I’m just…” Phil gestures with his arms as he talks. It’s one of the things Dan likes about him, just how expressive he is. “It could be worst. I could be working a 9-5 job that I hate for little money.”

“Thanks,” Dan grunts.

Phil puts his hand on Dan’s wrist and says, “You know what I mean. My job is great, actually. I love it, most of the time, but it gets stressful. Especially when there’s a strict deadline and I’m procrastinating.”

“Can you change? I mean, I know nothing about your field, but stress is not healthy, you know.”

“This is my dream. Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to do this. I’m actually living it now, the big thing I fantasised about when I was younger.”

“You wanted to be an editor when you were a child?” Dan furrows his brows.

Phil stares at him, his gaze is distant. It takes him a couple of short seconds to focus back on the present, on Dan, but when he does, he blushes. “Uh… I mean, when I was younger. Like secondary school, maybe? We had a thing where people came into school and told us about their jobs and I really like the editor lady,” Phil waffles.

“You were such a weird kid.”

“Yeah,” Phil shrugs. “If I could, I’d live… I don’t know, somewhere abroad. Maybe teach English. It might be just a pipe dream, but I love it on this cruise, I love seeing a new country every day.”

“You need to sort out your motion sickness and we’ll get a job on a cruise ship.”

“Ha! As if.” Phil rolls his eyes at him. “I think it would be nice to hide away in a cabin in the wilderness somewhere. There’s a charm in being unknown to the people around you.”

“So why don’t you?”

“Run away? I’ve got this job, this career I love, I’ve got my parents, my brother, my friends. I can’t just up and leave.”

“Yeah,” Dan nods sadly, knowing what he means and how it feels like.

“What about you? Didn’t you say you hate your job?”

“I do, yeah. It’s a soul-sucking piece of shit, but it pays my rent and bills.”

“If it doesn’t make you happy, why don’t you quit?”

It’s not that Dan hadn’t thought about that. He wants to quit every second of every day but never does. What he needs right now, what he needs _all the time_ , is financial security. Sure, that job is awful, the workplace is just as bad, but he needs to keep a roof over his own head. 

“I can’t,” Dan says with a sigh. “I’d love to but I just can’t.”

“Well, what if you looked for another job and quit once you have that?”

Dan doesn’t say anything to that. Not because he doesn’t know what - oh, he has things to say to Phil right now. But Phil has it easy. He has a job, a career, he loves and worked hard for. Dan could barely get this job. He barely gets by as is and can’t go chasing a career or a hobby.

Not that he has one. He’s utterly miserable, because the ugly truth is that he’s no one and he’s got nothing. No talents, no hobbies, nothing he’s good at. His daily routine starts with snoozing his alarm then almost sleeping in and getting to work late; once he’s finished, he goes home, watches YouTube or Netflix until his eyes fall out. And repeat. On the rare occasion when he has a (failed) date, he just starts watching videos later.

“I’ve got a shit life, Phil,” he tells him, not wanting to sugarcoat the truth. “I don’t even know why you’re with me. I can’t quit or change, because I have no other work experience, I don’t have any talents. I can’t go back to uni because I have no money to fall back on. I’m just…” He then realises that fat teardrops are rolling down his cheeks. He’s not sure if it’s angry, pissed off crying or sad crying. Maybe both.

“Dan, I’m…” Phil puts his hand on Dan’s shoulder. His touch is gentle and featherlight, but it’s enough for Dan. He feels safe and maybe that’s why he starts sobbing.

“I can’t do anything. I don’t know what to do with myself, I don’t want to be there 5 years from now. But I can’t change because I don’t have the talent for anything else. I’m just stuck.”

It feels stupid to be crying. It all happened too quickly on a beautiful evening like this. He shouldn’t be feeling down, not when five minutes ago the world was perfect. He doesn’t know why he’s crying. Maybe he’s just frustrated with his life and his inability to do anything about that. He’s spent evenings, just laying in bed, thinking about how he could get another job. He can’t risk it, he knows that, he needs a job. And this job pays, not great, but enough to get by, and that comes first. Growing up, he saw his mum worry about money, now he does the same. And it’s ongoing, he constantly worries about something, anything. Everything.

“Dan, you deserve the whole world,” Phil tells him quietly. “You’re a wonderful person and it’s okay that you don’t know. Not everyone does right away. Maybe in a year or two, or in a decade, you’ll find the thing you truly love. You deserve that.”

Phil pulls him into an embrace and holds him, stroking the back of his head. He holds onto him because right now, Phil is the safest place there is. And little by little, even if only for the night, Dan’s world gets pieced back together. Things are not good, maybe they never will be, but for now, this will do.


	26. Day 10 - Korcula

Considering what Dan wanted was a fantastic evening with Phil (and maybe with a bottle of lube…), well, things just didn’t go his way.

Phil held him for long minutes until his sobs quietened down, then walked him back to his cabin. Phil wanted to leave, but Dan made him stay. They stripped down to boxers (God, how Dan wished he could feel anything instead of the emptiness) and went to bed, but lay there for hours, talking. At first, they talked about the things Dan likes, but soon the topic changed to _Killing Eve,_ then to Marvel. By the end of the night, Dan was feeling a little bit better. Phil cuddled him while and that patched the rest.

Dan wakes to quiet splattering against the windows. The room is dark, the blackout curtains still drawn shut, but he hears the rain against the glass. Phil is next to him, but his back is towards him.

He feels awful. For fucking up an evening that started as lovely and because he spent some of the said evening crying his eyes out. So the weather reflects his mood now, great. He’s exhausted, the way he gets exhausted with his therapist. But this is not like the worst days he has. He’s not lost, the world is still in full colour (or at least he hopes, he can’t really tell in the dark).

So he does the only thing that makes sense right now. He scoots closer to Phil, pressing up to him. Phil, still asleep, sighs and seemingly melts against Dan. Korcula is probably out there, waiting for them and although Dan’s not sure what time it is, he just doesn’t feel like walking around a city in Croatia he doesn’t know in the rain. So he cuddles Phil and goes back to sleep.

When he wakes for the second time, he feels like only a couple minutes passed. But Phil’s snoring right into his ear so Dan pushes him away and turns. Phil throws an arm around Dan and pulls him close. Dan goes back to sleep.

When he wakes for the third time, it’s to Phil kissing his neck. His first reaction is to flinch, closely followed by a moan.

Phil snickers. “Is that good?”

“Fuck.” Dan arches his back as Phil keeps kissing. He doesn’t dare to open his eyes, thinking this is nothing but a wet dream. “Fuck, that feels so good.”

Phil laughs again, but it feels too real to be a dream. He exhales against Dan’s skin. “Good morning,” he says, continuing to press kisses.

“It really is good.” He opens his eyes. The curtains are open a bit, daylight is coming in. Phil’s laid next to him, his whole body towards Dan. He’s got a playful look in his eyes and he’s smirking. God, Dan’s crush on this boy is massive. “What time is it?”

Phil sighs and turns so he’s on his back. “Breakfast time.”

“Is it still raining? I’d rather not explore the city in the rain.”

“It’s brilliantly sunny and hot.”

Dan reckons they’ve got time. Their only plan for the day is to eat some pasta Phil’s been craving. So they have the time to be a bit naughty.

“You’re still undressed?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Does morning breath bother you?”

“What are we playing, 20 questions?” Phil laughs. “It doesn’t.”

“Good.”

With a swift movement, he turns to put his knees either side of Phil’s hips, straddling his thighs. Their groins are not touching, but Dan can still feel his closeness and it gets him excited. One of Phil’s hands automatically goes to Dan’s waist, holding him there. He lifts the other and with his index finger, he’s touching Dan’s chest, drawing invisible patterns.

“You’re so gorgeous.”

Dan blushes. He can feel that the pinkness reaches the tips of his ears and spreads down towards his chest. So he does the only thing he can think of to hide it. He leans down to kiss Phil, sweetly and delicately, taking his time.

Dan’s thighs are touching Phil’s. He wants to take things slow, but at the same time, he just can’t wait to get rid of the last layers of fabrics separating them. He moves his hands from Phil’s upper arm to his shoulder, then to his neck, then down towards his chest. As his fingers brush against Phil’s nipples, Phil flinches. It wasn’t even intentional, but good to know.

Then suddenly, Phil pushes him away. “Fuck, Dan, I can’t…”

Dan blinks rapidly. “I thought you…”

“I do. I very much do, but not like this, you know. We have a city to explore and I really don’t want to rush.”

“I fucked things up last night, didn’t I?”

The thing is, Phil is kind. Way too kind for Dan’s shitty personality and shitty depression. Dan doesn’t even know how he could find a man like him. 

Phil puts his hands on Dan’s face, cupping his jaws. He just holds them there, thumbs gently stroking Dan’s cheeks. “You didn’t,” he promises with a small smile. “You can’t. I don’t think you actually know just how much I like you. All of you, the good, the bad and the stupid.” Dan laughs. “And I would very much like to keep kissing you, on your mouth and elsewhere, but I wanna do it properly. I…” He pauses and looks away. “I don’t want to have a quickie as our first time. Call me silly, or call me romantic, but I just want us to have a great time.”

Dan puts his index finger on Phil’s chin, turning his face so they can look into each other’s eyes again. “Of all the billions of people, I found someone who’s a nerd, who’s a romantic dork, who doesn’t care that I fuck everything up all the time.”

“You know, you should consider yourself lucky. I’m quite the catch.” Phil smirks.

“Sorry, correction. I found someone who’s a self-assured asshole.”

“That’s more like it.”

Dan leans down to kiss Phil again. God, how he wishes he could kiss his way down to his neck, then to his chest where he could swirl his tongues around Phil’s nipples…

With that, Dan climbs off of Phil before he has a raging boner that would keep both of them inside Dan’s cabin.

They find Jimmy and Leo at Pearl a mere half an hour later, once they’re both freshly showered. Separately, to Dan’s biggest disappointment. He did actually try to suggest that to Phil, but he was already out the door by the time Dan finished presenting his argument.

“Morning, lovebirds!” Jimmy says his now usual greeting to Dan and Phil.

“Morning, asshat.” Dan’s feeling like he was left high and dry, so that’s what Jimmy gets this morning.

“Ouch.” Jimmy puts his hand over his heart.

“You had that one coming,” Leo says. He hides his smirk behind his mug.

“ _Et tu, Brute?”_

Phil kisses Dan’s cheek and leaves to get cups of coffee for both of them. Dan sits next to Jimmy and bumps his feet against his.

“You’re a lovely asshat, though.”

“Well, thanks for the love, mate.” Jimmy sighs and turns to Leo. “While we’re on this cruise, can you never abandon me again? I had to watch two snotty teenagers all day yesterday.”

“You had fun!” Dan objects and reaches across to Jimmy’s plate to get a crumb of pastry and throw it at him. “You like hanging out with us.”

“Alright! Fine, I’ll admit.” He smiles at Dan, then Phil, who returns with two steaming mugs. “You two are not too bad.”

“We’ll take it.” Dan smiles at Jimmy who can’t hide his own smile.

While they eat breakfast, they chat about their lives in London. Nothing much in detail and as usual, they end up getting distracting, this time talking about their favourite restaurants. 

The ship is anchored in the sea which means a tender boat ride to the island itself. The sun is now shining brightly above them, with some fat, fluffy clouds swimming around. Dan can’t stop looking out the windows, but he’ll only see how wonderful the place is once they’re ashore.

“You’re not looking so good, mate,” Leo tells Phil.

Dan snaps his head around to see a very pale Phil with definite green undertones.

“I’m fine,” Phil says, taking deep breaths.

“Here.” Dan reaches into his backpack to take a small bag out. He hands it to Phil who takes about two seconds to put it together. “You’ll be fine,” Dan softly says and rubs the small of Phil’s back.

Phil closes his eyes and doesn’t speak until the boat stops. It’s a bumpy ride; even though the water is calm, they go through waves which makes the boat jump up and down. It only takes about five minutes for them to arrive on the island. Dan helps Phil out of the boat, followed by Jimmy and Leo. Then they just stand on the edge, taking it all in.

It’s the most picturesque place Dan’s ever seen. Beautiful, crystal clear, green-blue, water separate the tall mountains from the island itself. The scenery is beyond stunning. He feels he’s about to break down and cry, just because of how pretty it is.

On the other side, is the town of Korcula. It reminds Dan of Dubrovnik and of Venice. Sure he can see cars and other motorised vehicles, but he also sees the narrow, winding streets lined by sandstone-coloured buildings and orange roofs.

“We’ll go explore the town,” Jimmy says. “Do you want to meet for lunch?”

“No, I think we’ll have a beach day.” Dan knows he needs to dip his toes into the water here.

“We will?” Phil asks worried and looks up towards the sun.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got your SPF 2000.”

“Thanks, babe.”

There’s a silence between them. A bit awkward, a bit uncomfortable. Jimmy and Leo can sense it, too, so they ditch Dan and Phil without saying goodbye.

“Uhm,” Dan clears his throat. “Do you want to explore the town first?”

Phil shakes his head, refusing to meet Dan’s eyes. “No, let’s just find the beach.”

Google Maps is not useful, but they do find a tourist office just opposite the marina. The helpful lady gives them a map and circles where the beach is. It’s just north of where they are now, so getting there should be easy. 

It’s only a two-minute walk, but it’s spent in relative silence. The only time either of them speaks is when Phil says thanks to Dan, for making him wear swimming shorts.

It’s only a small beach. There are two parts: a sandy part and a platform with sun loungers on it. It’s quite crowded, but Dan and Phil manage to find a spot for their towels, in the sandy part. They seek shelter under the shadow of a big tree. For a while, they just sit like that, with Phil sunscreening himself up and Dan admiring the scenery.

Eventually, Phil speaks. “I’m sorry.”

Dan looks at him. Phil is currently trying to sunscreen his back - with little success. So Dan snatches the bottle from him. He sits behind Phil who nestles in between Dan’s legs. Dan squirts some onto his palm then starts applying it to Phil’s back. “What for?”

“You know what. The uh… The ‘babe’ thing.”

Dan’s hands still and he says, “Oh.”

“Yeah, I know it’s too soon and whatever. I’m sorry.”

For a few long seconds, Dan debates whether he should say the thing that’s on his mind. Then he realises there’s no reason for him to hold it back. Phil’s seen his true self and he’s still there.

“I’m not,” Dan admits as he continues to lotion Phil’s back. “ Is it too soon? Yeah, probably. Is it cheesy? Definitely. Phil, you’ve seen me have a breakdown three times in the span of, what? 7 days? I really don’t care.” He takes a deep breath, exhaling slowly. “I like you. So much. We keep having these… weird, little confessions that are too much too soon, but I don’t care. I think we’ve established that we’d both like to continue this back home. So don’t be sorry, _babe._ ”

Phil turns a bit and Dan sees his huge grin. “You’re such a dork.” He presses a kiss Dan’s lips. “But you’re my dork.”

Dan tilts his head back, partially for the dramatics, partially to hide his blushing. “There are things that are too corny, even for me.”

Phil laughs. “Put your sunscreen on, because we need to try the water.”

“In a minute.” Dan puts his chin on Phil’s shoulder and hugs him from behind. “I’ve never seen water so clear.”

“Yeah, I was expecting muddy brown. Maybe I should’ve looked up the places beforehand.”

“I think we established that we’re both clueless.”

“Yeah.” Phil sighs and presses his back against Dan’s chest. “This is nice.”

“It is.” Dan turns his head to kiss Phil’s neck. “Come on, let’s get to the water.”

“You’ll burn to a crisp!”

Dan rolls his eyes and stands, then extends his hand to Phil. “Not everyone is as pale as you are, mate.”

The water cools their overheated bodies in a matter of seconds. It’s not as hot as it was in Venice, but the lukewarm water still feels nice. Dan dunks his head underwater. He’s really glad he said goodbye to his hair straighteners, otherwise he would spend the entire day worrying about his curly hair.

He does a couple of strokes, towards the deeper parts of the water. If he stands on his tiptoes, he can still touch the bottom, but it just feels nice floating in the water. Phil follows him whose hair is wet as well now.

Phil puts his hands on Dan’s hips, keeping him steady. He’s looking at him with curiosity in his eyes like Dan is one of the most wonderful creatures on Earth.

Dan pushes his palm against Phil’s chest. “What?” he asks with a small laugh.

“You’re… beautiful.” Phil links rapidly. “I mean, I don’t even know what to use, I don’t think there are words for it,” he babbles.

“God, Phil, one of these days you’ll literally knock me unconscious.”

“Maybe that’s my plan.”

“You’re such a weirdo.” Dan runs his fingers through Phil’s wet locks. “But you’re my weirdo.”

“Now who’s the corny one?”

For a while, they swim, then go out to sunbathe, before going back in because it’s boiling. Jimmy and Leo join them eventually, bringing them sandwiches, snacks and peach ice teas. They make a little picnic out of it. Phil even has a 20-minute catnap in Dan’s lap as Dan strokes his head. Then they continue the water shenanigans, this time with Jimmy and Leo as well.

Soon they realise it’s time to head back to the ship. Unfortunately, Dan and Phil didn’t explore the town, but Dan, in his gut, can feel that he’ll be back one day. This place is too beautiful for him to only see it once.


	27. Day 10 - Korcula

They leave Paradise behind as they head back to the ship. Their voyage on the tender boat is just as jumpy, and even though Phil feels sick, he bravely survives it. Within a matter of minutes, they’re back on  _ Anna Theresa _ .

Jimmy and Leo say goodbye because Jimmy is getting properly introduced to Leo’s parents, but they promise to catch up with Dan and Phil over drinks later that night.

“So now, what?” Phil asks as he’s looking at his arms to determine whether he got even a bit tanned. (He did not.)

“Nap. I need a nap.” Dan takes Phil’s hand and pulls him towards the lift. “And you’re coming with me.”

“Gladly.”

Phil runs back to his room to change into non-swimwear. They should probably have a shower, as Dan can feel the sand in  _ a lot of  _ places, but he’s too eager to cuddle Phil. So he makes Phil promise that he’ll be back in two minutes. 

Dan gets changed in his own room, into shorts and a black t-shirt. The cool air gives him goosebumps, but it feels nice against his overheated skin. His bed was made by a cabin steward while they were out, so the crisp, white linens look extra inviting.

There’s a knock soon. Phil did change. Into pyjamas. Into Cookie Monster pyjamas. And Dan can’t stop staring.

“What on sweet Earth are you wearing?” he asks, as he steps aside to let Phil in.

“My pyjamas,” Phil says matter-of-factly.

“No, yeah, I get that, but why?”

Phil laughs and jumps on Dan’s bed. “They’re comfy.”

“You’re such a nerd,” Dan says as he lies next to Phil.

For a couple of minutes, they’re like that. On their backs, shoulders touching, not speaking. Dan lets his head to do some catching up. He knows that most of the time he’s following his heart. Sometimes, it gets him into trouble, but sometimes, it’s extremely right. Now it’s the latter. But still, his head needs to process the fact that he currently has someone as incredibly, wonderfully amazing as Phil in his bed.

“Stop using that big brain of yours,” Phil turns to his side and with his index finger he gently smoothes the wrinkles on Dan’s forehead.

“What do you want me to use instead?” Once he said it, Dan realises how naughty that sounds.

“Mmm. Your lips.”

“Not while you’re wearing those pyjama bottoms, mate.”

“So you want them off,” Phil laughs, with his tongue poking out.

Dan rolls his eyes and tries to play it cool, but can’t hide the redness showing on his skin. “Maybe,” he mumbles.

Phil laughs again, this time it’s quieter and smaller. He kisses Dan’s temple. “I was promised a nap.”

“I think you might be the only one who’d rather have a nap than sex.”

“I get to touch you either way.”

Dan groans, and hides his face behind his arm. “I can’t handle the cheese.”

“I don’t even like cheese.”

Dan laughs. He laughs at Phil, at his dorkiness, at his cuteness, at his wit.

“You’re such a weirdo.” He turns his head to kiss him. “Now sleep, I don’t want to miss dinner.”

Sleep comes easy for Phil. Within ten minutes, he’s quietly snoring against Dan’s shoulder, but the land of dreams is just not happening for Dan. He actually loves sleeping next to Phil, loves having someone to curl up to, but right now, he just can’t fall drift off.

So once he makes sure that Phil is far into dreamland, he sits up, leaning against the headboard. Phil’s head is in his lap and Dan’s stroking the silky, sun-kissed, black strands as he continues reading his book.

_ ‘For a while, Sebastian just watches Tobias pushing Liam on the swing. Liam loves it, both he and his father are grinning. Suddenly, it hits Sebastian. Even though it’s been just over a week and it only happens in cheesy, cliche, romance films, he’s right in the middle of it. A certain kind of feeling swells in his heart, and soon it roams through his veins. Tobias is it for him. The way he is, the way he looks at Liam, the way he adores his son. And Sebastian just loves looking at the two of them. _

_ When they met 8 days ago at that bakery, when Tobias took the last cake, Sebastian wanted nothing more than to smash said cake right into that self-righteous bastard’s face. But now, at the playground, looking at Tobias and Liam, Sebastian realises that he’s getting there. _

_ Maybe he’s not falling in love right now, but his heart is on a straight stretch of the track and he can see where it leads. It’s as if his heart is saying  _ ‘Hello. Been waiting for you. I’ll make you a cup of tea while you get settled.’  _ He knows that if Tobias wants it, Sebastian can easily fall in love with him. Of course, it’s too soon to be thinking that, but he knows it. And it doesn’t scare him anymore.” _

Dan pauses at that. His hand stills in Phil’s hair. The last sentence, the whole bit really, resonates in his heart, in his bones, his fingers that are on Phil’s scalp. If Phil lets him, if he’s not scared away by Dan’s shitty personality and mental health (or the lack thereof), Dan will fall in love with Phil. Maybe some portion of him is in love with him, who knows.

Phil sleepily blinks and looks up at Dan. “I left my contacts in.” He blinks again and grunts. “Put that stupid book down.”

“Oi, it’s not stupid.”

Phil yawns. “I’m not sleeping if you aren’t either.”

Dan earmarks the book and puts it on his bedside table. He then pushes Phil away so he can lie next to him. “Better?”

“I still have my contacts in.” Phil yawns again. “I’m hungry.”

Dan laughs. “Nothing’s good enough for you.”

“You are.” Phil has a cheesy smile on his face and Dan feels the need to roll his eyes. “But seriously, you have to feed me.”

“Okay, but we’re going somewhere. If I have to order room service, I have to tolerate your pyjamas.”

Phil turns to his side and like a leech, he attaches himself to Dan. His arm is across Dan’s chest, his legs are hugging Dan’s. “I’ve told you, if you want me out of them, you just have to tell me.”

Dan pushes Phil away and stands. “You’re the worst.”

“Tell me you don’t want to.”

Dan doesn’t say anything, instead, he disappears into his bathroom. He leans on his sink and stares at his reflection in the mirror. He can’t help but grin. Yeah. Maybe a small part of him is already in love with Phil.

As it’s too early for dinner, they head up to the Sun Deck to eat ice cream. For once, it’s not Phil Dan is staring at. While he is gorgeous, simply the most handsome man, right now, the scenery takes it all. They’re still at anchor, between Korcula, another island and the mainland. 

On one side, Dan sees the beach where they spent their day, he sees the beige and off-white buildings of the island with their burnt orange coloured roofs. There are also parts of the islands they missed, such as the ancient, sea-battered walls of the city and a tower of some fortress. On the other side is a high, rocky mountain with sparse green life, giving the scenery a wonderful contrast. Above them is nothing, but the endless, impossibly blue sky, although there are some dark clouds in the distance and they’re heading their way.

“You okay?” Phil bumps his foot against Dan’s.

Dan looks at him, squinting behind his sunglasses. Phil’s got ice cream in the corner of his mouth. Instead of doing the reasonable thing, as in telling Phil that he’s got something there, Dan leans over and kisses it away. “Yeah.”

Phil blushes and laughs, a bit awkwardly. “Good.”

Once the cones are eaten and Phil licked the ice cream off his fingers (seriously, the guy is a  _ mess,  _ but Dan just can’t stop his crush from growing), they sunbathe for a while. It’s getting later in the day which means dinner is soon, but the heat and the rays of the scorching Sun make him lazy. They give him an itch. An itch he could deal with on his own, but not really… It’s an itch that’s been growing, a hunger that’s been in him for the past couple of days.

“Phil?”

“Hm?” Phil turns towards him, but doesn’t open his eyes.

“First of all, you’re gonna be red as a lobster.”

“I’ve suncream on.”

Dan sighs, but doesn’t press the topic. “Anyways, I want to skip dinner.” Phil now looks at Dan, shocked. His expression makes Dan laugh. “No, I want to skip dinner  _ at the restaurant. _ We should order room service.” 

“How come?”

“I just want to be lazy. Not dress up properly, just… in comfy clothes.”

The way Dan says it, he wants to imply shorts with elasticated waist and oversized t-shirts. Okay, that might not be the  _ whole  _ truth, but it’s a start.

“But we just got dressed.” Dan gives him a look, with slightly raised eyebrows. Phil might not be the best at getting clues, but Dan is throwing a lot at him. A small smile appears on Phil’s lips as he says, “We’re watching happy films, not a rom-com that makes you cry!”

“Deal.”

“Wanna find Jimmy and tell him?”

Dan shakes his head. “He’s happy in his bubble and I’m happy in ours.”

“Gosh, you’re so sappy,” Phil stands and extends his hand towards Dan, pulling him from his seat. “But so am I.”

They make their way back to Dan’s room. In the lift, Dan thinks about how there’s little to no use for Phil’s room anymore. It’s not a question where Phil sleeps or where he goes after a shore excursion. 

When they’re inside, Phil takes his shoes off right away, followed by his shorts and falls into bed, face first. He’s got black boxers on and Dan can’t stop staring at the swell of his ass. But the overall sight warms his heart because Phil looks like he’s meant to be there. Because he is.

So Dan lies next to him, shoulders touching, faces close. Like they never left to get the ice cream.

“Hey,” Dan says quietly, pinky and ring finger gently caressing the side of Phil’s hand.

“Hey, yourself.”

There’s a certain kind of unspokenness between them, a soft and comfortable silence, just existing in each other’s personal space. Dan’s looking into Phil’s eyes and seeing nothing but the serene pureness of Phil, his very essence that grabbed Dan’s attention. He likes being on this cruise, exploring cities a year ago he only dreamt of with a person who’s special and wonderful, but at the same time, he can’t wait to get home, to be surrounded by his own belongings and get to know Phil, to  _ really  _ get to know him in a space that’s familiar for the both of them.

“What are you thinking about?” Phil asks. 

“You. I’m always thinking about you,” Dan admits, unashamedly. Maybe it’s the tranquillity of the room, maybe he got sunstroke, but he just speaks his mind.

“Same.”

“Oh, you mean you’re always thinking about yourself?”

Phil laughs and shoves at Dan’s shoulder. “Shut up, you idiot.”

Dan notices and engraves every small detail in his mind and in his heart. The pitch of Phil’s laughter, the way his eyes crinkle, the way he pokes his tongue out.

“Have you heard the song  _ Chasing Cars _ ? I mean, the original is nice, but there’s this beautiful cover.” Dan reaches for his phone, pulling Spotify up on his phone. “It’s by Sleeping at Last.”

For a while, they just lie there, listening to the song. He feels it perfectly fits. They are forgetting about the world, for a bit at least. They’ve got nowhere to be right now and it’s good. It’s very good.

Even under the cool breeze of the air conditioning, Dan feels Phil’s warmth, his closeness. And at that point, Dan can’t stop himself nor does he want to

So with a swift move, he turns towards Phil and with the same movement, he brings their lips together in a needy kiss, wanting to kill his deepest hunger.

While Phil kisses his way from Dan’s lips, to his jaw, then to his neck, Dan pushes his fingers into Phil’s hair, tugging at the strands. He lets a rather deep moan escape from his throat when Phil gently nibbles on his sensitive skin.

“That bad?”

“That good,” Dan tells him.

He pulls Phil over him who straddles his hips and kisses him once more. It’s filled with desire and passion and Dan wants to let Phil know. So he wraps his legs around Phil’s waist and pulls him closer.

But, Phil being Phil, he pretty much crashes against Dan.

“Ow,” Phil says with a laugh.

“You’re such a dork.” Dan presses a kiss on Phil’s lips, then takes a deep breath and asks, “Do you want this?”

Phil pauses. He’s got a smile on - not a hesitant, unsure one, but rather one that makes Dan’s insides melt away. “Yeah. I’ve never wanted anyone more than I want you.”

So Dan kisses him. With a purpose this time. He gives Phil the best kiss of his life, before flipping them, so Dan is on top. 

“Thankfully that awful pyjama bottom of yours is gone,” Dan says with a cheeky grin.

For a second, he watches Phil, then leans down to kiss the underside of his jaw. He then presses their bodies together, making sure that Phil knows the effect he has on him.

And Phil does, because the next moment, he reaches for the hem of Dan T-shirt and tugs at it. Dan sits on Phil’s thighs, raises his arm and within a matter of seconds, the piece of clothing lands on the floor. Phil strokes Dan’s sides, slowly and gently, like he’s holding the finest of china teacups. 

Dan blushes, the kind of blush that starts in his cheeks and spreads down to his neck, then to his chest. The kind that makes him all hot and bothered because someone is looking at him with hunger, passion and desire. Dan instinctively runs his hand across his chest, his nails ever so slightly scratching his skin. When he does that, he can’t help but notice the more definite bulge pressing against his thighs. He cocks his eyebrows, but then immediately leans down to kiss Phil, wasting no more time.

“God, Dan,” Phil whisper, dragging his teeth on Dan’s lower lip. “You’re so good.”

Dan sits once again on Phil’s legs, smiling. Phil reaches for Dan’s shoulders, digging his fingers into Dan’s slightly sunkissed skin. But instead of pulling him down, he sits as well so Dan ends up in Phil’s lap. And boy, he’s suddenly feeling a  _ lot  _ against his butt.

Like a puppy, Dan tilts his head to the side just a bit, watching Phil with curiosity. In front of him is the most gorgeous human being to ever exist. His hands are exploring Dan’s back, carving his way into his muscles.

“You are so pretty.” Dan sighs. He runs his fingers through Phil’s hair and leaves it there. “So very pretty.”

Phil smiles and leans in to press a peck on Dan’s lips. “You’re pretty, too.” There’s a moment of silence, then Dan starts laughing. Not his usual louder-than-a-plane laugh, but a more private, more personal laugh, that’s just for Phil. “What?”

“Nothing, it’s just… We’re a bunch of dorks.”

“Oh, I thought I was the only dork. I was kind of lonely in this dinghy.”

Dan shoves at him, still laughing. He feels happier than he’s ever been and he feels like he’s straight-up overdosing on joy when he’s alone with Phil.

“I’m really glad I met you.” A naughty thought crosses his mind, one that he doesn’t want to ignore. “I know I should say it but…” He kisses Phil’s lips for a second and at the same time he grinds his hips against Phil’s groin. He knows it’s working because Phil moans into the kiss. “I don’t know. I just… I just really,  _ really  _ like you.”

“Fuck, Dan,” Phil exhales, pushing his forehead against Dan’s clavicle. “You’re actually driving me insane.”

“Maybe that’s my plan.”

Phil smiles at him and gently cups Dan’s face with one hand. Dan kisses his palm before leaning into his touch. He’s looking at Phil and he doesn’t want to hide it. He doesn’t need to hide it anymore. Give it a week or a month, and hopefully, he’ll have the chance, but he knows he’ll be so in love with Phil. And right now, that’s the best bit.

“But lucky for you,” Phil whispers and he pulls his own T-shirt off, “I like you to. So much.” And with that, he kisses Dan with certainness and purpose.

The truth is, Dan loves sex, he loves how close he gets to the other person. But with Phil, it’s different. It’s not about their raw need to have sex or that kind of intimacy that comes with it, no. It’s about Phil and the fact that Dan has never felt closer to anyone in his life. With him, it’s different. It’s pure and wild, gentle and fun, caring and loving. Maybe he really needed it, this kind of sex. But Dan truly thinks, it’s not that. It’s Phil.


	28. Day 11 - Cephalonia

Three orgasms, two cheeseburgers and a comedy later, they go to bed as they are - naked, close to each other. The remnants of their pre-sleep handjob are still on their skin (maybe the bedsheet as well, but Dan would rather not think about that, thank you very much), but they drift off to sleep feeling completely sated.

The next morning, Dan wakes before Phil. It takes a second for him to realise where and how they are, but once he does, a sleepy smile appears on his face. He’s just so damn happy. He’s fucking overjoyed, and Phil is the cause of that.

He thinks about how well their bodies fit together. Not just when cuddling, during sex as well. It’s as if they could read each other’s mind or understand the other from a single movement. They didn’t go all the way, but still, if Dan had to describe it using one word, he would say… Ethereal. Or divine. Amazing. Wonderful. Fan-fucking-tastic. Somewhere along those lines.

Then he realises he can’t feel his arm. As sad it is, he’s hugging Phil who’s right on top of his arm and it’s cutting off all the blood supply. Dan tries to move it without waking Phil but fails. He gets his arm free, but Phil stirs and blinks a couple of times. 

“Morning, babe,” he breathes then seems to immediately fall back asleep. In his sleep, he cuddles up to Dan.

That’s the second time Phil called him that. It makes him feel giddy and absolutely ecstatic. He doesn’t mind it, not at all. In fact, he would like to hear it more often, he’s just not sure if it’s too soon.

But then again, it’s Dan. The guy who falls in love way too early on, only to run straight into a wall when it doesn’t work out. The guy who thinks about falling in love with someone he met only a week before. The guy who’s ready to do it all, have it all, make it all happen five seconds after the first kiss.

So to distract himself, he does what he likes the best. He kisses Phil’s naked shoulder, his clavicles, then the crook of his neck. Phil groans sleepy as Dan kisses his throat and jaw, then the corner of his mouth.

“So much better than an alarm clock,” Phil says. His eyes are still closed, but there’s a small smile playing on his lips.

“I’ve never noticed your stubble.”

Phil scratches his chin. “Yeah, someone’s been keeping me busy so didn’t have the time to shave.”

“I would say sorry, but I not actually am sorry.”

Phil looks at Dan, then puts his finger under his chin, lifting his head. He leans in, kissing Dan softly and very lazily, letting his skin brush against Dan’s. There’s something intoxicating about it; Dan can’t help but moan.

“So you had fun last night?”

Dan is definitely enjoying this morning after, cocky, confident Phil. He likes how utterly shameless he is, how playful, how naughty. He could definitely get used to this.

“Eh, it was alright,” Dan says and he actually manages to hide his smile. Phil stares at him, looking absolutely outraged. He opens his mouth to say something, but Dan quickly continues, this time with a shit-eating grin. “God, you idiot, of course, I did. I… urgh…” Dan hides his face underneath his arm and says, “I loved it. You’re… so good with your mouth, mate.”

Okay, so maybe he shouldn’t have said that, but he’s trying to live his truth. He doesn’t know why he’s being such a weirdo about it. Maybe it’s got something to do with the fact that he’s never felt so close to someone as he does with Phil. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

For a second, he lets his head play catch up as he thinks back to the events of the previous night. He thinks about how Phil kissed his chest, slowly and patiently exploring Dan’s skin. He took his damn time, almost driving Dan insane. When he couldn’t take it anymore, he gave the same torture to Phil. He also discovered that Phil’s got a rather sensitive chest and nipples, in particular. So Dan kissed and caressed, licked and teased. Phil had his hands in Dan’s hair, tugging, while he was either whispering or moaning Dan’s name. When they both deemed torture enough, Phil stripped Dan from his clothes. It wasn’t gentle or elegant, but Dan didn’t mind, they’ve waited long enough. And damn… It was…

“Come back.”

Dan blinks, his thought now lost. “Sorry.”

“So it was alright.”

Dan rolls his eyes and shoves at Phil’s shoulder. “Mediocre, at best.”

“To be honest, there’s nothing better than mediocre sex,” Phil says, then laughs and cuddles Dan even more. He puts his face into the crook of Dan’s neck and inhales. They’re both silent for a while, just existing in each other’s bubbles, or maybe it’s one bubble now. Phil’s the first one to speak, still cuddled up to Dan. “I want to do this.”

“Me too.”

“No, Dan…” Phil sighs. “I want to do  _ this.  _ During this cruise and after this. And… I know I shouldn’t be saying this, not this early, but I want to do this exact thing we are doing right now all my life. Nothing else.” He pauses for half a second before continuing. “I want to keep waking up next to you, I want to have fun and giggly sex, I want to hold your hand in the cinema, on the couch when we’re watching Bake Off. I want it. I want you.”

Dan’s heart starts beating faster. He’s sure Phil can notice it, but this time, he’s sure he wants him too. In front of him are words he’s been longing to hear from anyone really, but from Phil the most. He’s here and he’s saying it to Dan and really, when Dan thought things couldn’t get any better, they still somehow manage to improve. 

“Me too.” Dan pulls him even closer, although that seems to be impossible. They are as close as two people can be, but it’s still not enough. “Do you want to… I mean you probably want to see your parents after the cruise, but would you like to come back to mine? Figure out what we are in the real world?”

Phil moves his head which Dan takes as a nod. “I’d love to.”

“Good.” Dan moves his hand from Phil’s back, down to his butt. It’s not a sexual thing, rather than a comfort thing. He knows that it means that Phil’s there and, right now, he is his. No one else's. “Do you want to see Cephalonia today or stay in here and hide from the world?”

Phil humms against Dan’s skin, before pressing a small kiss on it. “As much as I hate to say this, explore the town. We can then spend the next two days holed up in our… sex den.”

“What?” Dan laughs. “You’re so naughty, Phil!”

“I don’t even know half of the words that come out of my mouth. It doesn’t make it any less true, though.”

“Oh my god, you’re an evil vixen.” Dan sighs and stretches. “If you’re forcing us to go outside, we better get ready.”

As hard as it is, Dan leaves the safe cocoon of the bed and stands. He stretches once again, this time because he’s a little shit. He knows Phil’s staring but that’s his point. He goes into his bathroom and almost turns on the shower when the lightbulbs lits up. He steps to the bath and starts filling it with water and pours some of the bath soak in it. Once the tub is half full, he walks back into the room.

He’s just standing there. And Phil… Oh, Phil is still staring, but he bit into his lower lip, the fire of desire and raw want in his eyes.

“You coming, Slowpoke?”

It takes Phil for a second to move, but once he does, he’s basically sprinting towards Dan with the elegance of a newborn giraffe of course. But still, Dan’s heart goes boom, seeing Phil like that, completely naked, without a hint of shame, walking towards him. The moment he’s in front of Dan, he crashes his lips against Dan’s.

“I know I’ve said it,” Phil says, against Dan’s mouth, “but you’re so utterly gorgeous.”

Dan smiles and reaches for Phil’s hand, tugging him towards the bath. He holds Phil steady and he steps into the warm water, then Phil joins him. They sit on opposite ends, legs pretty much tangled up together. The bath might be big enough to fit Dan, but it’s definitely not big enough to fit both of them. Still, they don’t care. 

“We should’ve got a duck or something,” Dan mumbles, more to himself than to Phil.

For minutes, they don’t speak. Dan leans back and closes his eyes, letting his heart and mind swim around the memories of last night. After a while, he gets loose, like he’s floating in the ocean. He’s floating in a happy void where everything is good and nothing hurts.

“Don’t fall asleep.” Phil bumps his knee against Dan’s. Dan opens his eyes and sees Phil’s rather sad smile. “You’re too far.”

Dan rolls his eyes then. “Come here then.”

Still with the grace of newborn doe, Phil stands, only to sit back down between Dan’s legs, his back pressed against Dan’s chest. Only some of the water got on the bath mat, so Dan thinks it’s a win.

“Much better,” Phil says with a content little sigh.

Dan lowers his head to kiss the droplets away from Phil’s freckled shoulder. Phil leans into the touch, gasping ever so slightly as Dan gently bits into the soft skin. “So, did  _ you  _ have fun last night?”

“I thought we agreed it was mediocre at best.” Within a second, Dan’s hand is on Phil’s chest, fingers oh so close to a very sensitive area of Phil’s. “If you want us to leave this room, don’t you dare.”

Dan’s hand lingers there and he’s rather happy that Phil can’t see his grin. “You win.” He moves his hand to Phil’s stomach. “So?”

Even from behind, Dan can see the redness that creeps onto Phil’s cheeks. He mumbles, quickly and quietly, “Youweresogreatanditwasbloodyamazing.”

“Sorry, what was that, didn’t quite…”

“Alright, fine!” Phil takes a deep breath. “I don’t get out much. My social life consists of going to restaurants with my brother and her girlfriend and they’re both musicians so they talk about that and I’m just third-wheeling most of the time. So uh…” He clears his throat. “So essentially, if I have to say it’s been like a year?”

“Oh, so you just wanted someone, anyone really.” Dan wants to say that as a neutral statement, but he fails, even he can tell the edge in his own voice.

“No! No!” Phil turns his head to the side and looks at Dan from the corners of his eyes. “If out of the billions of people I had to choose anyone, I still would be choosing you. What I meant to say was that… God, do I really have to say it?”

“Yes!”

“God, you literally want me dead. That’s why I came that quickly.” The tips of his ears go red. “But really. You’re such a great guy, Dan. Both in and out of bed.”

Dan snickers. “To be honest, I think I came before you.”

Phil grips Dan’s knee, his fingers digging into the skin. “You’re such a jerk.”

In moments like these, Dan really appreciates the connection they’ve been forming. The playful chatter, the easy banter, the shameless flirting. 

“You know I’m just teasing you, right?”

“Yeah, of course.” Phil intertwines his fingers with Dan’s and tugs at his arms until Dan’s hugging from behind. “You’re still a jerk though.”

“Fair, I’ll take it.” 

Dan lowers his head and peppers kisses on Phil’s left shoulder, before moving up to the crook of his neck. Phil tilts his head to the side, exposing more skin for Dan’s kisses. Dan moves so he can reach behind Phil’s ears before making his way back down to the back of his neck, then giving the same attention to his right side.

“Maybe we should stay in…”

Dan laughs against Phil’s neck as he presses his nose into Phil’s slightly wet black hair. “Not a chance mate. We’ll be cooped up in here for two days.”

“But…”

“Phil.”

“But…”

“How about this. We go out, we’ll have a nice day in Greece, then I’ll blow you before dinner.”

It takes absolutely everything to stop Dan from laughing and he does.

“Fuck, you know how to toy with a man.”

“That’s one of my specialities.” Dan lets a giggle burst through as he thinks of something. “And now for the low, low price of a kiss, I’ll blow you before we head out to Cephalonia.”

“Fuck, Dan!”

And that is how they miss breakfast, because by the time they’re done in the bath, then in the bedroom (after all, Dan has to stay true to his word), it’s time for them to explore Greece.


	29. Day 11 - Cephalonia

They join a crowd of people in the lobby. After standing around awkwardly for a minute, a cruise attendant walks to the front.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Argostoli. Today you will have two options. You can either explore the town and the surrounding lagoon. If you’re lucky, you’ll be able to see some turtles and if you’re lucky, maybe dolphins as well!” Phil tugs at Dan’s wrist; apparently he’s dying to see some dolphins. “For those wanting to experience a Greek beach, we have shuttle buses heading towards the sandy beach of Makris Gialos.”

Dan looks at Phil, hoping that he’ll provide an answer. On one hand, seeing turtles (and dolphins!) would be lovely, but then again, they’re in Greece and can’t miss out on a beach. Even though they had a beach day in Korcula, there’s nothing like a Greek beach. They should be experiencing everything Greece has to offer, exploring the town, finding its unique spots.

The answer comes from none other than Jimmy who steps next to them with Leo by his side. “We’re going to the beach, yeah?”

Dan, after a slight hesitation, says, “Uh, sure, yeah.”

He turns to Phil, wanting to ask if he’s okay with that, but Phil’s already nodding. “I’ll get my sunscreen, don’t worry.”

So the four of them go back to their rooms quickly to get changed into their beachwear. Dan even tosses his book into a bag, on top of his beach towel, then they join the crowd of people waiting for the bus.

Their journey is surprisingly short. After leaving the port, they head down along the water. The promenade is lined with small palm trees, surrounded by colourful benches. On the other side of the bay are mountains covered by green and lush trees; they are perfectly contrasted by the white sails of boats. Then they continue their way through the town, which, although Dan thinks it’s lovely, a small part of him feels it’s also disappointing. It’s nowhere near as green as the promenade was, it’s just concrete after concrete. He’s now glad they chose the beach. After heading upwards on a rather steep hill, houses give way to an open scenery. He can already see the water on the other side of the island. Dull buzzing appears inside Dan’s heart. He’s not one for beach holidays, he’d rather explore and uncover the secrets of a city, but right now, as annoying as it is, he’d like to feel sand between his toes.

Soon the bus stops in a parking lot and people start moving. He follows Phil out of the bus. They wait for Jimmy and Leo to get off, before joining a line of people heading down towards the beach.

The endless sea ahead of them goes from crystal clear light blue to dark navy further in. The sandy shore is covered by colourful towels, blue deck chairs and red and orange umbrellas. It’s busy, it’s lively, but the four of them still manage to snatch a spot under a fairly big umbrella. They place their towels, then, leaving Jimmy and Leo for the time being, Dan and Phil go to the small shop at the edge of the beach to get some breakfast.

“Snoozers losers!” Jimmy yells when they get back. He grabs Leo’s hand, dragging him into the water.

For minutes, Dan just stares ahead, absentmindedly eating his sandwich. It’s a pretty place, even though it’s very busy. Phil is next to him, applying a huge amount of sunscreen on his fair skin.

“You okay?” Dan asks, once he finished the rather stale sandwich. “For the better part of the morning, you’ve been quiet.”

“Yeah,” Phil assures him. “Yeah, it’s just… God, this is embarrassing.” He blushes put quickly puts lotion on his skin to hide the redness.

“I think we’re way past that, Phil,” Dan says as he grabs the bottle from Phil and starts applying it to his back.

Phil hides his face in the crook of his elbow. “I hate you so much, really. For last night and this morning.”

“O...kay?” Dan’s confused. What Phil is saying contradicts with the warmth and happiness in his voice.

“I mean, we’re out in public, we’re supposed to be having a nice day, but I just keep thinking about you.” He turns his head so he can look at Dan from the corners of his eyes. “About your hands and your mouth and I just…” He shakes his head and looks away. “It’s embarrassing.”

Dan laughs. How could he not? “You know, I’ve seen a couple of bushes, we can do the dirty there.”

“I am not having sex with you in the Greek shrubbery!”

“I’m just saying.”

“You are so thirsty, Dan.”

Dan kisses his shoulder and hands him the bottle. “All done. You know, it’s weird at times you’re completely confident about sex and everything, but otherwise, you’re so shy. I’m so baffled with you.

“ _Thanks_.” Phil moves so he’s sitting opposite of Dan. “And you really are a jerk.” But he kisses him, so Dan knows it’s a compliment.

About 2 minutes later, Jimmy and Leo come out of the water. Jimmy joins them, but Leo goes off to the shop.

“So how’s everything, guys?” Jimmy asks, laying down on his towel and tanning his legs.

“Good,” Phil says. “Very good.”

Dan giggles and Phil joins him. They look at each other, both continuing to relieve the previous night (and that morning). Dan can’t help it, he’s completely smitten with Phil and he’s ready to shout it from the rooftops. Besides, his skin is still burning where Phil touched him or kissed him.

“Oh my god!” Jimmy sits up, staring at both of them. “You two finally had sex!” Dan blushes, but them not answering doesn’t exactly help their case. “Oh my god!”

“Do you really have to announce it to everyone?” Dan begs him, but seeing Jimmy’s grin makes him blush even more.

He hides his face in Phil’s shoulder. He knows Jimmy means well and he wants him and Phil to be happy, but even in this short amount of time, he got to know Jimmy well so he knows that once Jimmy has the opportunity to question him, he will.

“I’m just…” Jimmy sighs. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Dan, but you were hiding in your shell when I first met you.” Dan looks at Jimmy, furrowing his brows, but doesn’t say anything. “You just poked your head out, but once you realised that Patrick is on the cruise, you went all the way back. I know that something cracked in you when you were together, but it fully broke when you broke up. I know because I was the same.”

“Jimmy…” Dan starts, but Jimmy raises his hand.

“Let me just say my piece, please. Patrick is an asshole, we all know that, but he’s good at what he does. He’s good at breaking someone, moulding it how he wants them to be. But then you met Phil and I met Leo. I know that these might be just summer flings. I know that. But we’re both happier now. You can’t see it on yourself because, well, because you’re you, but I do see it. You’re no longer that being that hides in his shell, but rather you left the shell behind completely and you’re enjoying your life.”

“So are you calling me a slug?”

Jimmy laughs. “Yes, I’m calling you a slug.”

Dan pauses for a second, weighing Jimmy’s words. “Thanks, Jimmy. I’m… rather happy that we met.”

“You just continue to be this happy.” He turns towards Phil. “And you just continue to make him this happy.”

“That’s my intention,” Phil kisses Dan’s temple.

“What did I miss?” Leo asks, returning with four ice cold drinks and a bag on his arm.

“Jimmy called me a slug.”

Leo looks between them then shrugs, deciding it’s just a 'them thing'. “Anyways, I got us some floaties.”

Digging into the bag, Leo pulls out four bags: a plain, neon pink inflatable mat, a doughnut ring, ice cream mat and a pretzel. Dan immediately snatches the doughnut, while Phil goes for the pink mat and Jimmy for the ice cream.

Apart from Jimmy, they’re all out of shape, so it takes them about 10 minutes to inflate everything. Once it’s done, they head into the water which is nice and perfect temperature. Dan helps Phil get onto his mat first, which is a struggle, but Dan gladly helps, then he sits in his doughnut.

“God, this is the dream,” he tells Phil. He lets his head tip backwards until he can feel the water touching his scalp. He could just float here until eternity. “Do we have to leave?”

“Come here.” Phil, still on his mat, reaches for his hand and holds him close. “Did you know that otters hold hands so they don’t drift apart? Hold mine and we never have to leave.”

Dan smiles at him, but internally, he thinks about the meaning behind his words. He knows that Phil only meant something superficial, but to Dan, they mean a whole lot more. He reckons it’s stupid and it’s too much, but Phil could be his anchor. From time to time, he feels like shit, like he’s about to fly away. His head does that to him. But Phil… Phil could ground him. It’s too much pressure to put on one person. Phil doesn’t even realise the impact he’s had on Dan’s life. Dan’s not even sure he does, either. Right now, it all seems too fairytale-like, too romcom-like. But there’s one thing he’s absolutely certain of. He’s never been with anyone like Phil. He doesn’t believe in souls, and he’s not sure if he believes in the theory that everyone’s got only one soulmate, but he’s never felt closer to anyone than Phil. He’s just… He’s just ready to be drunk on love, high on hopes.

Seemingly for hours, they’re in the water. At some point, Dan leaves Phil and his doughnut and does a couple of strokes to stretch his muscles. He knows Phil’s watching. Right now, that seems to be Phil’s favourite pastime, and Dan doesn’t mind.

But Jimmy decides to join him, on his floatie. Dan can’t help but laugh as he watches his doggy paddle, but still, Jimmy’s determined to get there.

“You okay there, mate?” Dan looks at him with fake worry.

“Yeah, thanks for the help.” Jimmy exhales. “Are you okay?”

“Oh, I’m perfectly fine.”

“So?”

“So what?”

Jimmy wiggles his eyebrows and looks at Dan with his incredibly blue eyes that seem a bit turquoise-y as the water reflects on them. “You know. Phil!”

“Phil’s good. I think. I hope.”

“No, you doofus. You know what I mean.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Of course I know what you mean, I’m not thick. I’m just trying not to answer.”

“I mean, are you guys okay? How was it last night?”

“Oh my god, you want to hear the sauciest details? You’re not getting it, mate.”

“No, I’m just…” Jimmy sighs. “I’m just trying to make sure you’re good.”

“I am,” Dan nods, “and I really appreciate the sentiment.”

“Good.”

Dan splashes some water towards Jimmy. “Are you and Leo okay?”

“Yeah. We’ve talked and we’ll give it a go when we’re back.”

“That’s nice. You two seem to be great together.”

“You think?”

“Yeah. Just invite me to your wedding please.”

Jimmy gives him a look, but then starts laughing. With both hands, he reaches for Dan’s shoulder, pushing him underwater. He’s got no leverage, but it takes Dan by surprise, so the water only manages to reach his earlobes.

“You look really cute with your wet curls.”

“Thanks, man.” Dan snorts, then swims back to Phil. “I’m gonna go out and read a bit.”

“Okay, I’ll join.” He reaches for Dan’s wrist and pulls him close so he can kiss him. It’s just a small peck, but Dan’s heart still beats against his ribcage like a steam machine. “I need to get out of the water, otherwise I’ll turn into a frog.”

“Mmm, but a cute frog.”

Five minutes later, they’re back on the beach, semi-dry and covered in sand. Dan’s laid on his stomach with his book in his hands, Phil’s got his sunglasses on and just laying next to Dan, tanning his stomach.

Dan manages to read a couple of pages before Phil interrupts him.

“Why are you reading that book?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…” He clears his throat. Phil looks a bit flushed, and Dan isn’t sure if it’s the sun and heat, or something else. “Why do you like it?”

Dan turns his book upside down and puts his hand on the cover. He thinks it’s stupid, but it feels like he’s putting his hand over his own heart.

“Because up until now, up until you, I haven’t had luck in love. People came and went, no one really stuck around. I’ve had a couple of shitty ones, you know. But these books…” Dan sighs. He can’t really explain it without making an ass out of himself. “They give me hope. Like they make me believe that love is good and there’s a really good one waiting for me. I get lost in these worlds, I fall in love with the characters, when they fall in love. I feel their pain, their hopes and worries, their heartache, their joy. I just… I love it.” He traces Crowley’s name with his fingers. “And I love the author. I think they’re really good, like it’s written so effortlessly. You know those writers who want to use big words because they think that’s what makes them good? Crowley is not like that. Whoever it is, they’ve got a really good humour and writing talent.” Dan stops, but Phil doesn’t say anything. He’s looking at Dan from behind his glasses, probably judging him. “Sorry, I know it’s a lot.”

“No, it’s…” Phil takes a deep breath. “Dan, I have to tell you something.”

Dan furrows his brows, already preparing himself for the worst. Phil opens his mouth, but before he could say anything, Leo interrupts them. “Sorry lads, we have to head back. There’s a storm heading our way.”

“Thanks,” Dan says quickly then turns back to Phil. “What did you want to say?”

“It’s fine, it’s not important.”

They pack up and head towards the bus. Dan’s feeling rather sour. He’s feeling like a kid who got left out. He can’t help wondering what Phil wanted to say. He asks him about it on the bus, then back on the ship, but it’s very clear to see that the moment has passed.

The storm hits when they’re having dinner. It’s a proper downpour, but there are no heavy winds. Dan likes storms, but he’d rather not experience a storm out on the open sea. So the four of them have dinner and a couple of glasses of wine. Afterwards, they decide to check out the 90s disco where Dan, fuelled by alcohol and hormones, grinds against Phil while Ironic is playing in the background. After a couple of shots and cocktails, their night ends at 2 am. They all head back into Dan’s room where they order brownies, before passing out.


	30. Day 12 - At sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of throwing up, but no actual vomiting happens

Dan wakes with a headache, which is not surprising after the drinking they did last night. He’s not a young lad anymore, not a university student (was he ever, really?) but he keeps forgetting that.

To his biggest dismay, he’s completely alone in his room. He expected Jimmy and Leo to go at some point, but not Phil. Just to make sure, he pats around his bed, but there’s no one. He tries to sit up, but his head and whole body go dizzy, so lets himself fall back asleep.

The second time he wakes, he’s feeling better. He manages to look around for a note Phil might have left, and surely enough, there’s a small piece of paper on the bedside table.

_Feeling a bit seasick, I don’t want to throw up on you, so went back to my room. P x_

Dan manages to drag his out of bed and into the shower. He has a lukewarm, if not cold, shower that gets rid of the remnants of his headache and the awful tug in his stomach. He stands under the stream until he starts shivering, but at least that woke him up. He wraps a towel around his body and walks back into his room to open the curtains.

It’s a pathetic day, grey and misty. The clouds are thick above them and seemingly the heavens can open at any second. So much for a nice last couple of days.

He dresses in black jeans and a black hoodie. It’s that kind of day, Dan decides as he makes his way towards Phil’s room. He knocks softly on the wooden door. Phil opens about half a minute later, his usually white complexion looking greyish green.

“Oh dear…” Dan lets himself in as Phil runs to the bathroom. He follows him, putting his hand on the small of Phil’s back. He doesn’t throw up, but the heaving isn’t nice. “Want me to get you anything? Some pills? A coffin?”

“Fuck you.” Phil drinks some water. “Told you, this is why I don’t drink on boats.”

“Yep, fair enough, my bad. Do you want me to get you a nurse? To give you the magic injection?”

“I can go down,” he says, before he leans over the toilet again. “Actually, yeah, please.”

“Okay.” Dan softly kisses the back of Phil’s head that’s grimy with sweat. “I’ll be back soon.”

There’s a bit of a queue at the medical bay. Some people seem to be reacting to the bad weather, so for a bit, Dan worries that no one will be able to attend to Phil. Worse, he will have to stick the needle in Phil.

“Hi there, how can I help you?” a nurse asks, her platinum blonde curls bobbing as she talks. 

“My…” Okay, Dan is not prepared. What is he supposed to say? Friend? He’s never done that much kissing with a friend. Boyfriend? They haven’t had the talk yet. Partner? Companion? They’re not lovers in secret and this is not the 1800s where they have to hide it. “I’ve got someone who’s poorly. Too poorly to make the trip down here.”

“Alright, can I take their name please?”

“Uh, Phil Lester.”

She nods and types on the tablet. “And this would be his third trip to the medical bay?”

“Yeah, he had tablets at first, then an injection, which worked, but it seems to be wearing off.”

“Alright.” Some more typing. “And the cabin number is B246?”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

“And your relation?” She looks at him expectantly.

Dan wishes he had an answer. Not even the right answer, just an answer. Then he remembers, last time they were here, the nurse assumed they’re dating. So for now, he’ll go with that and he can do some (over)thinking about it later. “He’s my boyfriend.”

She types some more and looks up with a smile. “All done. Someone will be with you in 10 minutes, if you’d like to head up.”

“Thanks, that’s great.”

Dan heads towards the lift, his heart only palpitating a little bit. That’s the very first time he referred to Phil as ‘boyfriend’. He didn’t even think about that phrase. But now that it’s out there, it feels so great. That’s what he wants - he wants Phil to be his boyfriend.

Like a clockwork, a nurse arrives ten minutes. It’s the same nurse who gave Phil his first injection.

Phil is still on the bathroom floor, hugging the toilet bowl like others hug a bowl of popcorn. But he must be feeling really unwell, because he doesn’t even react to the needle in his arm. Afterwards, with the help of Dan, the nurse pries Phil away from there and helps him onto his bed.

“Make sure he has a nap and once he’s awake, give him water.”

“Yeah, I will. Thank you so much.”

He sees her out and returns to the moaning Phil. “I’m dying.”

“You’re not dying.” Dan takes his shoes off and crawls into bed. “You just had too much to drink.”

“I’m dying, Dan.”

Dan rolls his eyes, then pulls Phil closer. Dan is still sat upright, so Phil’s giant head kind of ends up in his lap. “Sure. I’ll get some flowers for your funeral, mate.”

“Thanks,” he yawns. “I’m never doing a cruise again.” His speech is getting slower, more sluggish. “This was the worst idea. No, actually. The best idea.” He yawns again. Dan’s enjoying it, really. There’s something intimate, something domestic about it. “It’s ‘cause I met you. Are you glad that we met? I’m really glad I met you, babe.”

Silence and then… Phil’s soft snoring. Dan chuckles a bit, and pushes his fingers into Phil’s hair, gently massaging his scalp. Phil sighs a bit and seems to properly fall asleep.

Dan has nothing but time to kill, so he uses it to do what he likes best: reread his favourite book, this time on his phone. The blue tint of the screen kills his eyes, especially in the semi-darkness. But he loves it too much to care, really.

Every time he sees the title, _Man in the Sea_ , he feels childlike excitement. He found it one night on Amazon, browsing sadly at 2 am after a shitty day at work. He’s usually not one for self-published, 99p, cheesy novels from unknown authors, but something got his attention. Was it the name TJ Crowley? Dan was a fan of _Supernatural_ for a while, after all. Or was it the badly Photoshopped cover that someone very clearly did at home? Or was it the generic man on it, his shirt unbuttoned, chest smooth and ripped? Dan doesn’t remember. (He does. It was the man.)

So Dan, on a whim, bought the book on his Kindle and started reading it. He thought it would be a 67 page, badly written piece. He thought he would read a chapter before eventually falling asleep because it was so boring. But one page led to ten, then to a hundred, and by the time Dan finished his book, it was 6 in the morning, his alarm was going off in 30 minutes and he was, most definitely, in love. With the book, with the characters, but most importantly, with Crowley.

It’s been a love affair ever since. A passionate, albeit one-sided, love affair. Through six books by a normal publisher. He’s read them all, more than once, but nothing measures up to _Man in the Sea_ which since he got as a proper book.

So yes, he’s rereading it, for about the 20th time since stumbling upon it. 

He’s two chapters in when Phil stirs. Dan puts his phone down and watches Phil. His hand’s never stopped petting his hand, but when Phil moves, Dan lets his hand slip out.

“Did I drool on you?” is Phil’s first question.

“Even if you did, that’s okay.”

“What are you doing?”

“Reading.”

“Will you read it to me, please?”

Dan doesn’t really like reading out loud for others, but he can’t say no to a sleepy, poorly, sweet Phil.

“Sure.” Dan picks up his phone again and puts his hand back in Phil’s hair. He clears his throat and begins reading. “ _Oliver’s done with things. Really done. He feels like he’s been going over and over them for the past two years, never getting anywhere, always going back to square one. But now, seeing, watching, being with Rhys makes him realise that everything he’s done and had, well, they’ve been for nothing.’_ ” Phil moves next to him and this time, it’s rather unsettled. “ _‘If it wasn’t for Marian and her awful attitude, if it wasn’t for his cousin, Peter and his three, lovely but very annoying, daughters suddenly visiting, he wouldn’t have run away from Manchester until his car was running on fumes. And if it wasn’t for them, he wouldn’t have ended up in the sleepy Welsh seaside town of Llanddwyn and he wouldn’t have ended up in the arms of Rhys.”_ This is the first time he had to say that village name out loud and he’s 110% sure he managed to butcher it to death.

“Dan.”

“Hm? I thought you were sleeping.”

“Why are you reading that?”

“Because it’s my favourite book.”

Phil stays quiet for a couple of seconds, before saying, “Come cuddle me instead.”

And Dan does, managing to fall asleep promptly in Phil’s arms. 

His nap doesn’t last long, though. Within twenty minutes, he’s awake again, feeling groggy. But Phil is still fast asleep in his arms, so Dan gets his phone and continues with his book.

There are no words in any language to describe how much he loves Oliver and Rhys. A man running away from his life and he ends up in a small fishing village in the arms of a Welsh fisherman who seems to make his worries go away.

In a way, Dan can’t help but see the similarities between Olys (a portmanteau of Oliver and Rhys - not official, but he’s proud of himself for coming up with the ship name) and himself and Phil. Phin? Dal? Dhil? Pan? Phan. He smiles to himself. That’s a catchy one.

Dan was running. From Patrick and from a heartbreak. Phil was there to catch him. And he definitely makes Dan’s worst worries and anxieties go away. Olys is fiction, Dan knows that. He knows that there are probably Welshman who look like a boulder on steroids, like a Viking if they had gyms, but Dan’s a romantic. He sees the love between Oliver and Rhys and after all this time, he wants to have what they have. Simple, pure and everlasting. Oliver gives up his fancy life he already hates in Manchester and moves to Wales. Together, they start a fishery/restaurant, but in reality, it’s so much more than that. Oliver builds a life with Rhys. And deep down, that’s all Dan wants.

Phil moves in his arms, groaning as he stretches a bit. He blinks a couple of times, trying to look at Dan.

“Morning,” he mumbles.

“You look like a mole,” Dan says the first thing that flashes across his mind. “But a cute one.”

Phil chuckles. “Thanks.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Tired. Like I was hit by an orange tractor.”

“That’s very specific, but I appreciate the imagery.”

Phil turns in bed, until he manages to flick the bedside lamp on. He pats around for his glasses, only to knock them off the table. Dan with a sigh gets out of bed and walks to the other side. He puts them on Phil and kisses his forehead before climbing back into bed.

“Thanks, babe.”

“No worries, babe.”

It’s automatic on Dan’s part. He doesn’t say it to mock Phil, he says it because his heart wants him to say it. So he does.

But both of them still for a moment, then Phil says, “Should we talk about it?”

“Do you want to?”

“No.”

“Me neither. I don’t think we need to, then.”

“Good.”

After a second, Phil exhales and pulls Dan’s arm in front of him. He kisses the inside of his wrist, then his palm, then his fingers. Dan watches him with a smile and nothing but love in his heart.

“Sure you’re feeling okay?” Dan pushes his fingers into Phil’s hair, stroking his head.

“Yeah. Seriously, the injection is wonderful. Now I’m starving.”

“You’re always starving. You were probably thinking about food when you were glued to the toilet.”

“.... no.” Phil laughs and gently bites into the first body part he can reach. In this case, it’s Dan’s exposed love handle.

“Ow!”

“You like it.”

“Shut up.” He does. “You should have a shower. You stink, mate.”

“You want to join?”

“We need to have food, so no. I’m not ready to have an hour-long shower.”

“Boo, you’re boring!” Phil stands, stretching. His boxers slid down a bit, exposing the two dimples on the small of his back. For a second, Dan admires the swell of his ass and how much he misses holding the cheeks in his hands. “This is why you need to shower with me. So you can admire me naked.”

“Oh, I’m having a lovely view, thanks.” Dan moves closer to Phil so he can smack his ass. Phil grins at him. “But seriously, hurry up. I’m starving.”

“I want to have a fry up.”

“You missed that by like 4 hours. It’s the middle of the afternoon.”

“You keep ruining my day! Argh!”

And with that, he disappears in his bathroom, but Dan hears his laughter.

While he waits for Phil, Dan makes the bed before opening the curtains and the balcony door. It’s drizzling out there, the sky is still pathetically grey, but he sits on the wrought iron chairs.

He manages to read a chapter before Phil joins him, only in his boxers. His raven black hair is shiny with wetness and his skin looks well-moisturised, something Dan always forgets to do. “You’re not helping with our food situation, mate.”

“You know I’m not even sorry.”

“Unfortunately I do. Go, get dressed!”

Phil leans down and plants a kiss on the top of Dan’s head. Dan hums and before Phil could leave, he grabs his wrist, pulling him in for a kiss. It ends up being a Spiderman type kiss, because Phil is upside down, his nose brushing against Dan’s chin.

“It’s so awkward,” Phil mumbles after straightening up.

“Well, it’s us, so… Go on!”

Twenty minutes later they leave the room. Phil has to make sure that his quiff is quiffy enough, because he is refusing to be seen otherwise. Dan tells him how annoying it is, but in reality, he just finds it endearing.

As they go towards the lifts, they walk past Dan’s room and Jimmy who’s knocking on the door of said room.

“Oh, well hello there!” Jimmy says. “Surprising to see you here.”

“You alright, mate?” Dan guides the two men in front of him.

“Yeah, I was wondering where you disappeared.” He turns around, his eyes are bright and naughty. “Too much sex?”

“Too much puking,” Phil informs.

“Yikes.”

“Yeah.”

Dan presses the call button when they’re there and get inside, but hesitates. He doesn’t actually know where they’re going to be eating.

“Where are we going?”

“Leo’s down in Amber, so there.” Dan still doesn’t press the button. “Prom Deck,” Jimmy helps him.

“I knew that.”

So the three of them join Leo and have sweet chilli chicken wraps with chips while they catch up and discuss the embarrassing details of their ‘night out’. Let’s just say, there are some details Dan would rather not know, but Jimmy gladly fills him in, starting with the one where he had to drag Dan and Phil back to the dancefloor before Dan gave Phil a rather public blowjob. Upon hearing that, Dan downs his coffee and gets himself a refill, even though he most definitely doesn’t need it.


	31. Day 12 - At sea

After a filling and rather embarrassing lunch, they decide to check out the casino which all four of them managed to miss so far. At some point during the cruise, Dan remembers thinking that the whole ship was like Vegas casino. But when they walk into the  _ actual  _ casino he feels as if he was transported to Nevada. He’s never been to Las Vegas, let alone a casino, so he doesn’t know what he should expect. But when they push the doors open, the feeling hits his chest.

The brightly lit room is filled with colourful signs on slot machines and various gambling… things and the constant kaching! of people hitting smaller or bigger prizes. There are chandeliers bigger than Dan’s room (and costing more money than Dan has ever earnt), dangling above people hunched over roulette and blackjack tables.

The four of them stand in a line by the door as they take it all in. Leo is the first one to speak. “This is a… lot.”

Jimmy turns to him. “You okay? Should we leave?”

Leo gives him a ‘bitch please’ look. “I need to win some money so we can have more room service.”

“Oh man, you’re the best.” Jimmy gives Dan and Phil a look and waves them goodbye as he and Leo walk towards the slot machines.

“Should we go?” Dan whispers to Phil quietly. He doesn’t mind staying, but he doesn’t mind leaving either.

“Yeah, I’m not one for gambling, but we can stay if you’d like.”

“I’m not about to lose all my money, so let’s just leave.”

With nothing, but time to spare, they wander around. Going outside is not an option, the drizzle has strengthened into rain again. So they walk up and down the decks, trying to find something new, but other than trying out a sport (they both quickly say thanks, but no thanks to that), there isn’t anything they haven’t tried. The evening entertainment doesn’t start until later.

“Oh, I know!” Phil says suddenly and drags Dan to the lift and straight up to the Sun Deck.

For about a solid minute, Dan has no clue where they’re going. He didn’t memorise the floorplan of the ship other than the restaurants and bars, so he’s feeling lost.

But soon, he manages to piece the puzzle together. Just ahead of them, above glass doors, there’s a white sign that reads Blue Lagoon.

“Is this a spa? There’s a place on the ship named after one of my favourite guilty pleasures and you didn’t even tell me?”

“I thought you knew.” Phil pushes the door open, letting Dan go through first. “I figured we could both do with a massage.”

“You know what?” Dan grins at him. “That’s an excellent idea.”

They walk up to the reception desk. The lady behind is wearing all white, her auburn hair tied back into a neat bun. Her name tag reads Yvette; she smiles at the two of them. “Welcome to Blue Lagoon. How can I help you?”

“I’m wondering if you have any available slots for a couples massage for today.” Phil tugs at Dan’s hand, like he’s asking if he’s using the correct phrase. Dan smiles at him. He is.

“We’re all booked up for today, I’m afraid, but we do have an opening for tomorrow. How does ten o’clock sound?”

“Excellent,” Phil says. He gives Dan a reassuring look, before turning back to the lady. “Any chance we could use the sauna?”

“Yes, of course! I’ll take your details.” She turns to a colleague who’s standing behind her. “Anthea, could you get two sauna packs for these gentlemen?”

She nods and disappears behind a wooden door, while the receptionist lady takes their cards. After a quick scan and chat about health and safety, Dan and Phil are taken to the dressing room.

“What’s on your mind, Phil?” Dan asks. Phil is in the cubicle next to him, the only things Dan can see are Phil’s white tennis shoes. “I know you have some plan.”

“Yeah, relaxing.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “ _ Naughty  _ relaxing.”

Phil’s door opens then closes, but he doesn’t reply. Half a minute later, dressed in the contents of the ‘sauna pack’, Dan walks out. The towel is wrapped around his waist and he’s got the robe and the disposable slippers on, but otherwise, he has no idea what he’s doing. He’s clutching his clothes and feels absolutely ridiculous. Dan follows Phil to the lockers, where they not-so-neatly throw all their clothes in. 

“So what?” Phil bites into his lips. “Is it so bad that I want to see you sweating?”

“You know, for that, we could’ve just stayed in the room.”

“But where’s the fun in that?” Dan opens his mouth to answer, but nothing comes out, so Phil continues. “The other day you wanted to have sex in a bush on a Greek beach. That was your version of public sex. Maybe I’m into being watched by middle-aged men.”

Dan’s brain short circuits for a second, before rebooting. “Who is this cocky Phil and where have you been hiding before?”

Phil laughs. “Mm, you know full well why he’s here.”

“Damn, for a second I thought it was me, but it was actually the nurse.”

“That sweet, sweet lady,” Phil says with a dreamy smile, before laughing again. “You’re such an idiot.”

“So are you.”

There’s no one else in the changing room, so Dan, to live out his locker room fantasies, goes in for a hot and heavy kiss.

“Glad we found each other then.”

Phil grabs his hand and pulls him towards the sauna. On the wall are some bathrobes, so Dan and Phil add theirs to the mixture, then walk into the sauna room. They both hold on to their towels like their life depends on it; public sex or not, Dan is not about to flash the couple of men sitting inside.

It’s barely lit and it’s steamy (how surprising), so Dan follows Phil as they waddle towards the back wall. It’s a struggle to breathe, Dan isn’t sure why they decided to give saunas a go. 

Once sat on the wooden bench, Dan lets his knee bump against Phil’s. “You okay?”

Phil takes a deep breath, or tries to. “Yeah. We’re British, why did you let me persuade you? You know we can’t handle the heat.”

The door opens for a couple of seconds as someone walks out and Dan welcomes the short burst of cool air. “You can make up for it later.”

Phil lowers his voice as he says, “I wish I could touch you.”

“Are we in porn?”

“It would be better lit,” Phil says matter-of-factly. ”The naked lady would be on the top bench. We would be ripped.”

Dan snorts. “You have such a strange brain.” He exhales, as much as he can. “Still, this can be some indie porn. I reckon the title would be ‘Two British nerds have hot and dirty sex before one of them slips and dies.’ It would win all the awards”

Phil laughs and leans closer to Dan. Both of their upper arms are sweaty so they stick together, but Dan’s really happy for the touch.

“What is this conversation?” Phil laughs and puts his hand on Dan’s thigh.

Even in the hot room, Dan feels Phil’s palm is burning right into his skin. He gets a tingle low in his stomach and he really wants them to be alone.

“It’s us, nothing makes sense, does it?”

“Hmm, no, I guess not. You do, though.”

Dan’s heart almost bursts. He looks around, but the few people who are in the room are either preoccupied with chatting to each other or they simply have their eyes closed. So he kisses Phil’s cheek, letting his lips linger.

“You, too.”

They don’t talk much after that. In fact, Dan’s certain that Phil’s fallen asleep because he’s taking soft, deep breaths. Either that or he can’t breathe, which makes Dan concerned. But from time to time, Phil looks at him with a smile, before going back to his pseudo-sleep.

And Dan… Dan just watches him. He’s allowed to. He watches the curve of his Adam’s apple and remembers how it feels kissing it while his hand was in Phil’s boxers who was moaning Dan’s name. Then Dan moves his eyes to Phil’s nose and can almost feel it in the crook of his neck when he exhales after a pretty satisfying orgasm. Then he looks at Phil’s giant hands and thinks about how it feels when they hold Dan, when those fingers draw invisible patterns into his skin, when they grip the sheets as Dan was trying to get him to euphoria.

Fuck.

Fuck, he’s got a semi and the sauna is probably not the best place for it, but the only thing Dan wants right now is Phil’s hands on his body, his lips on his and… inside. He wants, he  _ needs  _ Phil inside, right away.

So he nudges Phil with his shoulder. “Phil.”

“Hm?” Phil blinks sleepily.

“Phil!”

“Sorry, yeah?” He looks at Dan. As if he seems to know, his eyes fall to Dan’s groin. “Oh!”

“Yeah, here I am, at 28, feeling as horny as a teenager.”

Phil chuckles. “Gotta say, when you have a lover as good-looking as I am… It’s given.”

“Please, don’t say the word ‘lover’, it’s a boner killer. Let’s just go.”

They should shower. They really should. Dan’s sticky and smelly and he doesn’t want to put his clothes on while he’s this sweaty, but in reality, he knows they’ll have to shower afterwards. So he throws on the clothes as quickly as he can, almost tripping and hitting his head, but he gets dressed in under a minute.

Once he’s done, he throws the towel and bathrobe into the laundry basket and knocks on Phil’s door.

“Yeah, just give me a second.”

“God, hurry up!” Dan looks around; they’re alone in the changing room. He could sneak into the cubicle with Phil, but that wouldn’t satisfy his needs. So he leans against the door and whispers to Phil, through the gap between the door and the frame. “I want to be kissing you.”

“Dan.”

“I want to be touching you.”

“Okay, I’m done.” Phil comes out, hastily throwing his towel towards the pile, but missing it. “Let’s go.”

He takes Dan’s hand, threading their fingers together. They’re warm and a bit sweaty, and Dan doesn’t know if it’s because of the sauna or because Phil’s excited. But he doesn’t care. His hands fit perfectly into Phil’s. Like that’s where they belong, like that’s where they’re meant to be.

They walk past the receptionist and bark a ‘thank you’ at her. It’s extremely rude, Dan knows, but they’re wasting precious minutes. Minutes they could spend… naked.

It seems like everything is against them. The three lifts are occupied and are not coming fast enough. Then they bump into Vaughn on their floor who asks them if they need anything. Dan almost says ‘Some goddamn peace and quiet’. As it turns out, he’s rather snappy when he’s horny.

Then finally, at last, they’re inside Dan’s room. Dan also remembered to put the ‘Do not disturb’ sign on the door.

“I’m really glad that exists,” he tells Phil as he pushes him against the door. His lips are already kissing Phil’s, his fingers are already digging into his hips. “God, you taste so good.”

Phil moans into the kiss and pulls Dan even closer. Their chests are pressed right against each other. Dan’s certain he can feel Phil’s heartbeat on his ribcage. He never wants to let go.

“I want you,” Phil whispers against his neck, then starts kissing it. A shiver runs through Dan, giving him goosebumps. “You’re so hot and you’re mine.”

“I’m yours. Always.”

Phil kisses him against, passionately and seemingly never wanting to stop. Dan’s okay with that. He grabs Phil’s shirt and, without breaking the kiss, he pulls him towards the bed, but stops suddenly.

“What?” Phil asks, still chasing Dan’s lips. “Are you okay?”

“I’m hot, you’re hot, yeah?”

“I mean I think we’ve established that.”

“No, I mean, literally hot.”

“Yeah?” A lightbulb goes off above Phil’s head. “Oh, you mean shower sex?”

Dan laughs. “No, you dumple. I’m 100% sure you’d slip.”

“Probably.” 

He distracts Dan again by kissing him and pushing him to the bed. The backs of Dan’s knees hit the mattress, so he pulls away, because he wants this  _ so much. _

“You trust me?”

The sincerity and kindness in his eyes make Dan go all jelly. Fuck, he’s  _ really  _ into this guy.

“Of course.”

Still, Dan hesitates. Not because of Phil, not because he’s unsure of himself. But he’s had an idea that’s a bit… out of the box. Not odd, just out of the box. But now it’s there, he wants it. So he lets go of Phil and goes to his bedside drawer and gets the lube and condoms. Phil watches him with curiosity and when he sees what Dan’s got in his hand, he chuckles quietly.

“What?”

“A bit… presumptuous.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “You should be glad.”

“Oh, I am.” He steps closer to Dan and puts his hands on his waist. “So very glad.” He presses small, soft kisses on the tip of Dan’s nose, then looks at him again. “So what are we doing?”

Thankfully, the essentials fit in one hand. Dan’s really glad he’s got giant paws. So with his free hand, he takes Phil’s, squeezing his fingers. “If you don’t want it… Let me know, I want you to know that you won’t hurt my feelings or anything. I know it’s weird, but like… I don’t know I find it quite…”

“Dan. You’re rambling.”

“Sorry.”

With a deep breath, he pulls Phil towards the balcony. He manages to open the door without dropping the essentials, then puts it down on the small table. It’s also windy and on the chillier side, so Dan’s not sure if they should wait until it’s sunny. They won’t freeze to death, but the weather could be a hell of a lot better.

“Oh,” is all Phil says when he puts two and two together.

“Is that a bad oh or a good oh?” Dan asks, chewing on his lip. He lets go of Phil’s hand and grips the railing.

Phil grins at him and puts his hands on the railing, on either side of Dan. He kisses Dan’s jaw, then his face before kissing him. Dan holds tight, the railing and Phil as well. If the wind won’t knock him off the balcony and into the Mediterranean Sea, it’ll be Phil’s kisses.

“It’s an excited oh. Honestly, I would’ve never thought of this. I only have one question though.”

“Which is?”

“Why are we still dressed?”

Dan laughs. Fuck. Phil’s… everything. Not just a fleck of dust amongst the oodles of things, no. Phil’s the rays of sunshine that comes in through the window after a downpour. He’s the first snow of the season that kids wake up to. He’s the cool breeze during a hot, heavy, suffocating heatwave. He’s happiness, gratitude, pride, joy, love.

Dan’s heart settles on that last word. Love. 


	32. Day 13 - At sea

Dan finds that his sex life has never been better. After the balcony sex they had the previous day, he’s happy to report he’s thoroughly satisfied. It was just incredible, because the chilly air cooled down their overheated bodies. And they could make as much noise as they wanted to (and they did!) because the storm, the sea and the ship were loud. Oh, and also because it was Phil. So yes, Dan’s sex life is just fucking great at the moment.

The next morning, when Dan wakes, he feels like he’s on a cloud. His body is soft and well-spent and he’s being cuddled by Phil. So he stirs, with his eyes still closed, wanting to get even closer to Phil. But as he moves, he feels the soreness in his body. It’s only a bit, but it’s definitely there.

“You okay?” Phil asks quietly. Dan didn’t even realise Phil was awake. “Are you hurting?”

Dan hums against his chest, pressing delicate kisses on the soft skin. “Yeah, but it’s okay. It’s the best kind of soreness.” Phil doesn’t say anything. Dan’s spent enough time with him that he’s worried. So he presses another kiss on Phil’s chest, then moves up to kiss the base of his throat, his Adam’s apple, the underside of his chin, before he pulls his face closer so he can kiss his lips. Those magical, wonderful lips. “Don’t worry,” he whispers against them, never leaving that sacred space. “I’m good. I’m really good.”

“I never want to hurt you, Dan.”

“You never could.”

Phil tightens his arms around Dan. “I don’t want to leave.”

“What do you mean?”

“This room. This cruise. It all feels like a dream. But like…” He exhales, ruffling Dan’s hair. “This feels like a dream that was waiting to happen, y’know? Like, I spent my teenage years feeling a bit lost. My friends were talking about their very straight love life and I was on the opposite end. So I kept dreaming of a life where I would be the person I wanted to be, without restraint, without feeling the need to censor myself.”

“Did they not accept you?”

“They did. I mean I didn’t tell them right away, but when I did, they were happy.” He chuckles a bit, seemingly lost in a memory. “They were annoying. They kept setting me up with guys, with obnoxious, annoying lads. But they meant well.”

“What about uni?”

“It was... great, but something was still missing. That dream was still there, waiting, lurking. I didn’t know what it was, I just knew it was there.” He kisses Dan’s forehead. “I think I had to, I don’t know, grow up, get a proper life far from my childhood so that dream could happen.”

“And did it?”

It’s almost completely dark, Dan can just about make out the general features of Phil’s face. But truth be told, he doesn’t need to see the way Phil’s lips curl to know that he’s smiling.

“Yeah.” He kisses the bridge of Dan’s nose then laughs. “That was supposed to be your forehead.”

“You’re a dork.” 

Dan moves to kiss Phil’s lips, wanting to get lost in the feeling. Every time their lips touch, there are thousands of small particles of electricity that run through him. He thinks back to the conclusion he came to last night. He knows it’s not love yet, but he knows that it will happen. It feels exhilarating, it feels intoxicating. It feels pure and good and wonderful.

“You know…” Phil presses a kiss on the corner of Dan’s mouth. “I’ve never been happier. I think…” He takes a deep breath. “Fuck, this feels wrong to say it so soon, but I feel like you’re that dream, Dan. Like I’ve been waiting for you.”

“Phil…” is all Dan manages to say before he gets interrupted.

“No, I know what you’re going to say.”

“No, you don’t. I like how sappy you get, how cheesy it is.”

Phil sighs; his hand is gripping Dan’s side, both pushing and pulling at the same time. He takes his time to say anything, which Dan doesn’t mind. He enjoys their silence because it means that he gets to know Phil’s soft little breaths.

“Don’t laugh at me, but I was going to say something even sappier and I forgot.”

Dan does laugh. Not at Phil, more like with him. Seemingly, forgetting what he was going to say is a Phil-thing and Dan finds that charming. He’s sure that at some point he’ll find something that’s annoying, but right now, he’s in a happy pink haze so he’s allowed to find everything endearing.

“I feel like at this point you’re just playing with me,” Dan says, wanting to make it sound like a joke.

But of course, Phil doesn’t pay attention to the joke. “What makes you say that?”

Dan buries his hose in the crook of Phil's neck. He takes a deep breath; it smells like sex, still, like sweat and pheromones, but beneath all of it, it smells like Phil, a scent Dan’s come to know so intimately. He likes it - he loves it, in fact.

“Because you’re incredible,” he says, after a few moments of deliberation. “You’re kind and nice and fantastic. You’re making me feel things I haven’t felt in a long time. Most of the time, deep down, I feel like I don’t even deserve you.”

Phil gently cups Dan’s face with one hand, thumb stroking his cheek. “I’m definitely not playing with you. You deserve everything, Dan, you deserve the whole world. And… If you let me, I can try and give it to you.”

“You already have.” He kisses Phil again, this time it’s slow and sweet, trying to signify that they’ve got nothing but time, that Dan isn’t going anywhere. “Fuck, we’re a mushy, sentimental bunch, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, most definitely.” He pauses for a second, then says, “Dan, I’ve been meaning to…”

“Fuck, what time is the massage?”

Phil turns to pick his phone up. The brightness lits up his face and Dan can’t help but chuckle when he sees the mole looking creature that’s in front of him. Fuck, he really is fond of Phil.

“We’ve got half an hour, shit.” Phil groans and lets go of Dan. “Shower and coffee. Is it inappropriate going to a massage unshowered? 

“Mum tells people not to shower, but I’m sure I’ve still got come on my stomach.”

“Gross.”

“It’s yours.”

“Grosser.”

Dan laughs. “Tell you what,” he says, sitting up. “You go and shower and I’ll grab some coffee to go, then I’ll go have a shower.”

“Can I use yours?”

“Sure, just make sure to wash the buttplug afterwards.” That answer gets a pillow in Dan’s face, but it was so worth it. 

Exactly 29 and a half minutes later, freshly showered and with a coffee each in their veins, they’re standing at the reception of Blue Lagoon. A different person is sitting there, this time it’s an older guy - old enough to be their father. He’s got silver-grey hair, neatly cut and a charming smile. He’s talking to another customer, so Dan and Phil have got time to thirst over him.

“I want to look like him when I’m in my 50s,” Dan says dreamily. His fingers are gently wrapped around Phil’s wrist. “Fuck, he looks good.”

“He does, doesn’t he?” Phil sighs. “He looks like the older version of the guy that made me realise that I was gay.”

Dan raises his eyebrows. “Care to tell that story?”

Phil laughs. “It’s not what you think it is. I was on a beach with my friends, a guy and his girlfriend walked past us, my friends were like ‘wow look at that girl! wow he’s so ripped, I want to be like him so I can get a girl like her’ and I was like ‘oh I want to kiss him’.”

“That sounds like the most on-brand thing, Phil.”

It’s their turn next. The guy, Benjamin, smiles at them with that enchanting smile. “Welcome to Blue Lagoon.” His voice is deep and smooth, the kind that narrates movie trailers. Dan shares a quick look with Phil; after all, he’s allowed to be thirsting if Phil’s thirsting, too. “How can I help you?”

“We booked a couple’s massage,” Phil tells the guy. “Hopefully, we’re not too late.”

“I’ll have a look.” Benjamin winks at Phil, completely ignoring Dan. “What’s the name, please?”

Internally, Dan becomes the Pikachu shocked meme. No one can ignore him like that, and no one can flirt with his… boyfriend? He puts his hand on Phil’s, who’s resting it on the counter of the reception. He’s not even paying any attention to the interaction in front of him.

“Okay?” Phil shoots a quick look at Dan, with a smile reserved for him.

Dan nods. Okay, so he’s jealous a bit. He’s got every right to be. He threads his fingers through Phil’s, kind of holding it like a child clings onto a teddy bear.

“Got you. If you follow me, I’ll show you to your therapy room.” Dan and Phil, still holding hands, follow him down the hallway. Then seemingly at random, he opens a door on their left and lets them go through. “Please change into the bathrobes, you can leave your underwear on. When you’re ready, go through. Your massage therapists will be with you in a bit.” After another wink at Phil, he leaves them.

“I don’t like him,” Dan says, once he made sure that the door is shut.

“What, why? He was so polite. A minute ago, you were thirsting after him.”

“Yeah, but he wanted you.”

Phil rolls his eyes and steps closer to Dan. “But the difference here is that I want someone else.” He presses a kiss on Dan’s forehead. “And before you start questioning, it’s you.”

Dan chuckles softly. He takes a step back, otherwise, they’d be stuck in this room for hours. While it’s nicely decorated (dark blue walls with a grey sofa), his muscles are aching for a massage. Especially after last night.

So they get undressed. Phil is humming an unknown, yet familiar melody as he’s taking his clothes. Dan, however, is just sat on the sofa, one leg still in his skinny jeans. He’s looking at Phil. How could he not? Phil’s right in front of him and he’s beautiful.

Sure, he’s not conventionally attractive, he hasn’t got 1000 pounds of muscle that’s about to tear apart an XS sized T-shirt. He’s got a funny shaped head and nose, but he’s still the most divine creature on Earth. He’s got the small crinkles in the corners of his eyes when he smiles. He’s got a very pronounced Adam’s apple which Dan loves kissing. He’s got hands that, for the love of everything, can’t do air quotes.

So what if he’s not ripped? What if he’s got love handles? To Dan, he’s the most beautiful, perfect, wonderful person there is. If he had to choose one person to look at for the rest of his life, it would be Phil.

Besides, it’s more than that. It’s more than attraction, and it’s more than obvious romance. They seem to be connected on a deep level. It even shocked Dan how quickly it all happened. For so long, he had no one that really got him. Sure, he’s got Louise and a couple of odd friends he managed to gather (and keep) during his life, but no one like Phil. He truly, genuinely likes Dan and Dan trusts him more than anything. He feels safe, so safe, safer than he’s ever felt. 

He’s known him for the ten fucking days. It’s ridiculous how quickly it came, how much everything has changed and how fast they’re moving. Maybe it’s bad. It’s definitely ridiculous. But the tiny, hopeful guy in his heart is telling him that in Phil, he’s found a best friend, someone who will care about it until he’s a grumpy, old man. It’s insane how compatible they are.

Dan stands up so quickly he forgets that half of his jeans are still on him. He almost trips, but makes it to Phil safely. Without a moment’s hesitation, he crashes his lips against Phil who kisses him back albeit a bit surprised. It’s a sweet, grateful, everlasting kiss. Dan’s trying to channel everything he’s feeling into the kiss.

“Thanks?”

“No, thank you.” Dan puts a hand on Phil’s chest, just over his heart. He can feel every heartbeat. It’s beating slowly and steadily and Dan feels his own against his ribcage, like it’s trying to mirror Phil’s. “You found me out on the sea when my shipwrecked heart was trying to make it to shore. You became my anchor.”

For a couple of long seconds, Phil just keeps looking at Dan, straight into his eyes, like he’s trying to study his soul. His hands are still on his side. He then pulls him into a hug, a hug so tight and warm and safe, that Dan can’t breathe. He doesn’t mind it, he keeps clinging onto Phil. It’s cliche, but he hugs him like his life depends on it.

“Oh, Dan. Wonderful, sweet Dan,” he whispers. He also adds some inaudible things which he whispers into Dan’s hair like a mantra.

“Fuck, this is so sappy.”

“We agreed we liked sappy.”

“Mm, true.” He tilts his head back and lets Phil kiss him. “I’m really, truly happy with you, Phil.”

He smiles softly. “So am I, babe.” He kisses the tip of Dan’s nose. “So am I.”

The therapy room is pretty. It’s a white room with a dark blue feature wall. All over the ceiling are tiny, lit up dots - they remind Dan of stars. In the corner, there’s a lamp that kind of looks like a lotus flower. It’s a barely lit room, but as soon as they walk in, Dan is already feeling relaxed. He takes a deep breath and is immediately hit by a rich scent of vanilla, sandalwood and amber. His nerves are smoothed, his worries gone. He should just move into this room and never leave.

After taking off the bathrobes and putting it on the hanger, they go and lie down. Dan takes the right bed, Phil takes the left. They are close enough that they can reach over and hold hands if they want to. Which is exactly what they do.

Then the door opens and two ladies walk in quietly. With a rich cotton sheet each, they cover the lower halves of Dan and Phil’s body.

“My name is Sasha, and this is Emily. For the next thirty minutes, try to relax and enjoy the massage.”

Half a minute later, some liquid, presumably massage oil, dribbles on Dan’s back and his nose is filled with lavender. Two gentle hands start working his shoulder and he can’t help but moan. He does try to keep it silent, but Phil snickers and squeezes his hand.

It goes like that for the whole duration. So what if Dan’s loud and he can’t keep it to himself? Phil’s the same, eventually, he cracks and softly moans. Dan’s sure his massage therapist has magical hands, because she manages to get rid of the knots and lumps in Dan’s back, taking the worries away as well.

Their session is over too soon. Suddenly, she’s wiping away the excess oil and then the magical hands are gone.

“We hope you enjoyed it,” Sasha says again. “Feel free to stay here for a couple of minutes, while you gather your thoughts.”

“Thank you,” Dan mumbles, close to falling asleep. He’s never been more relaxed.

The door opens and closes with a soft thud as the ladies leave. Phil sighs dreamily next to him and lets go of Dan’s hand. Dan turns his head to the side and watches Phil push himself up on one hand.

“You are very distracting!” he says, with a smile lurking in his voice. “How am I supposed to enjoy the massage when you’re making sex noises?”

Dan laughs. “Sex noises? That was barely anything.”

“I know what you sound like.” Dan involuntarily blushes at that. “But I want to be the only one who makes you sound like that,” Phil whines with pouty lips.

Fuck. The blood leaves Dan’s cheeks, heading straight towards his dick. “Let’s go back to my room.”

It feels bad to wear clean clothes when he’s got oil on his back, but he doesn’t want to waste any time. Phil’s right there, saying stuff like that, and Dan’s a horny teenager again. As they get dressed, he wonders what life would be like if they met ten years ago. Would they still be together? If so, where would they be? What their lives would look like?

“You okay?” Phil says, bumping into Dan. They’re standing in the lift now, although Dan is not sure how they got there. His head was swimming in the daydream. “Come back to me.”

“I’m here.” He kisses Phil’s lips, only barely, wanting him to want more.

“Enjoyed the massage?”

“Hmm, yeah.” Dan grins as he says, “Maybe next time, we could get some oils and just do it in our room.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “If you want me to break your back, then sure.”

“You’re not that bad.” The lift opens and Dan immediately starts dragging Phil towards the room, wanting to waste no seconds. The moment the door is open, Dan lets go of his want and gets the ‘essentials’, then goes back to Phil and tries to give it to him, but Phil just hands it back. “What?”

Phil raises his eyebrows and stares at the lube. He bites into his lower lip and starts undressing. Dan laughs and, once Phil’s out of his t-shirt, he pulls him in for a kiss.

“God, you taste so good,” Phil mumbles.

“You sure?”

“That you taste good?”

“No, that you want this.”

“Oh, yeah.” Phil laughs. “I’ve wanted this for days now.”

“Fuck me, you can’t just say stuff like that.”

“I thought you were fucking me?”

Dan groans and kisses Phil again. He’s certain that Phil will be the death of him, but it’s something he’ll gladly accept.


	33. Day 13 - At sea

A good while later, once they’re both thoroughly satisfied, they have a shower. Together, which knowing how clumsy Phil is, is a risk, but they survive it. After the shower, they continue to make out naked which is a rather good thing, but their loud, growling stomachs seem to think otherwise.

As they’re getting dressed, there’s a knock on the door. Dan’s certain it’s Jimmy, so he opens the door wearing a T-shirt and boxers. But it’s not him, it’s the porter who brought Dan up to his room on his first day. Yep, not Dan’s best form then.

“Mr Howell,” he says with a small smile, and Dan can’t help but notice the red tinge on his cheeks. “I’ve got a message for you. From Mr Hill.”

“Who?” Dan furrows his brows.

“Jimmy,” Phil says.

“Oh!” He turns back to the porter. “Right, yes, sorry.”

The porter gives him the small piece of paper before running away. Dan can’t even say ‘bye’ to him let alone ‘thank you’, he disappeared so quickly.

“What does it say?”

Dan unfolds the paper as he makes his way to the bed. He sits on the edge and Phil immediately wraps his arms around Dan’s waist, putting his chin on Dan’s shoulder.

“Oh my god…” Dan blushes and feels the tips of ears heat up as well. “He says ‘You better stop with all the sex and join us for lunch. We’re in Amethyst. You need the energy for all the sex you’ve been doing.’”

Phil laughs. “Well, that’s mortifying.”

“Stop enjoying this!” Dan hits him with the paper. “Do you think the guy had to take the message personally?

“I mean he did run away pretty quickly. Even if he didn’t, I’m sure he read it.”

“Phil!” Dan whines. “You’re not helping.”

With a snicker, Phil kisses Dan’s temple before moving away. “I mean we did have sex on a very public balcony last night. I’m sure a note won’t be the cause of your cringe attacks for the next five years.”

“It was in a storm! No one heard us.”

“That you know of.” 

Dan grabs a pillow and throws it at Phil who, very surprisingly, manages to dodge it.

A short while later, they’re walking on Sun Deck, towards Opal. The good weather is back; people are sunbathing around the pools or hiding under big parasols, trying to seek shelter from the heatwave.

It’s not hard to miss Jimmy and Leo. They’re hogging a table right on the edge of the ship, by the fence. Besides, as soon as Jimmy spots them, he starts waving frantically.

“Hey, love bunnies!”

Dan rolls his eyes at him as he and Phil sit down. “You’re such a prick.”

“I think they got your message,” Leo tells Jimmy with a grin. “Told you it would be effective.”

“Tell your boyfriend he’s a prick,” Dan says to Leo, wanting to make sure that the message gets across.

“Was I or was I not right? You’ve been going at it for days now. Haven’t even seen you yesterday!”

“Yeah, you have,” Phil says as he picks up the menu.

“Have I?”

“Yeah, you could  _ wait  _ to tell me how embarrassing and slutty I was at the 90s disco,” Dan tells him.

“Oh yeah!” Jimmy laughs. “But that’s just who you are. Dan: embarrassing and a bit of a hoe.”

Dan’s jaw drops as he stares at Jimmy. He only pretends to be shocked and hurt. The friendship the four of them have is something he’s never had so he more than enjoys it.

“Uh-oh, I think you broke him,” Leo adds with a snicker. 

Jimmy pokes Dan’s cheek. “Yup.”

“Dan.exe has broken,” Phil giggles.

This time, Dan turns towards Phil, looking at him with the same shocked face. “You too? You’d betray me like that?”

“Never, babe.” Phil pats Dan’s hand.

In the background, Leo and Jimmy holler. “ _ Baaabe _ ,” they say in unison, mocking Phil.

“Alright, I’ve had it with you lot.” Dan grabs Phil’s hand. “We’re leaving.”

“Ooh, they’re going to have S-E-X,” Jimmy says, spelling that last word. But then he starts laughing. “I’m just messing with you. You’re so easy to tease.”

Leo, very quietly, says, “Even though that’s Phil’s job.”

Dan breaks then. He starts laughing, kicking Jimmy’s foot playfully. “You’re such idiots. All of you.”

“So we finally have a team name?” Phil wonders. “‘Idiots on a cruise’?”

“Sounds about right.” Leo nods.

Jimmy raises his glass of beer and Leo raises his water. Since Dan and Phil don’t have anything in front of them, they raise the salt and pepper shakers. “To ‘Idiots on a cruise’!” Jimmy says.

“So you said something about food?” Dan asks. “You know, to replenish all the energy we’ve lost during sex.”

“I knew it! Ha!” Jimmy grins.

“I mean, it wasn’t  _ that  _ hard to guess,” Leo mumbles from behind his glass.

Dan and Phil have a cold chicken and avocado wrap each. Leo orders strawberry daiquiris for all of them as they continue the banter and teasing.

After lunch, they head down to Lido deck, where there’s an afternoon matinee of  _ Moana.  _ There are barely any sun loungers left, most of them really far away from the screen. But they do manage to hog two seats fairly close, under the shade, right by one of the pools. Phil is the big spoon, Dan is the small one. He cocoons himself into Phil’s warm embrace as the film starts.

Dan’s humming along to the songs for a bit, but then Phil gently kisses behind his ear.

“You okay?” Dan asks, putting his hand on Phil’s, squeezing a bit.

“Yeah, I am. This is nice.”

“It is,” he says with a smile. “Have you seen it before?”

“Yeah, with Martyn and his girlfriend. That was a weird evening.”

“Is that your brother?”

“Yeah, he made me third-wheel. I didn’t mind, he paid for my popcorn.”

Dan laughs quietly. “You can so easily be bribed with food.”

“Yep.” For a couple of minutes, they’re watching the film, then Phil asks. “Do you really want to give it a go when we’re back in England?”

“You mean us?”

“Yeah.”

Not so elegantly Dan turns towards Phil. He almost falls off the sun loungers that in no way was designed for two giants, but he gets there eventually.

“I meant everything I’ve said, Phil.” Dan puts his hand on Phil’s chest. “I’ve meant it. So yeah, I really do.” He sighs, hesitating to ask what he needs to ask. “Do you?

“Yeah. More than anything.” Phil smiles a bit and kisses Dan’s forehead. “I… I have to tell you something.”

“What is it?”

Phil opens his mouth, but at the same time, Jimmy slaps Dan’s ass. “Oi, that’s mine to slap,” he tells him with a grin.

“Then be quiet and watch the film!”

“This isn’t second grade, Jimmy,” Dan says, looking at him. Jimmy flips him off and turns back to the film. “What were you going to say?” he asks Phil.

“Nothing. It’s not important,” he promises. “Let’s just watch it.”

Dan can’t help but wonder as Moana sings on the screen. This wasn’t the first time Phil’s wanted to say something, but he keeps getting interrupted. He doesn’t know why Phil doesn’t say it when they’re on their own and there’s no one to disturb them.

After the film is over and the tears are shed, Phil suggests they have a pool party. They all find it a great idea. To make sure they keep their sunloungers, they decide that two people go and get changed while the other two stay there.

Dan thinks that will give him a great opportunity to ask Phil what he wanted to say. But Phil being Phil, or maybe wanting to dodge the interrogation says that Dan and Leo should go ahead because he hasn’t had time to reminisce about uni days with Jimmy. 

It’s a weird lift ride. Dan hasn’t really spent time with Leo alone, so talking is anything but smooth. They talk about the weather (hot), the film (great), the cruise ending soon (sad). Dan is about to ask him how things are with Jimmy but thankfully they arrive on his floor. He gets out with a wave, telling him they’ll meet upstairs.

As he’s walking to his room, Dan sees the cruise lady, wanting the pictures, about to knock on his door. Once again, he forgot about it. He smiles at her apologetically and says, “I’m the worst, I know.”

She laughs quietly. “That’s okay, Mr Howell. I understand that sea days can be a bit boring, especially towards the end of your trip.”

“I’ll get you a couple of extra ones from Gibraltar.”

“That’d be brilliant, thank you.” She leaves, scribbling on her notepad.

For a couple of seconds, Dan watches her and wonders if she wrote ‘ban Dan Howell for life’ on the paper.

Mere ten minutes later, he’s changed and he’s upstairs. Since he’s only got three days of the cruise left, he’s determined to finish the book. Even if that means reading in public where Phil and especially Jimmy will mock him for it.

He takes the sunlounger as Phil leaves; Leo was faster than him, so Jimmy’s already gone. Dan worries that he’ll have to make small talk with Leo. It sounds bad because Jimmy seems to genuinely like him and he’s a good egg, but Dan just can’t seem to connect with him when they’re alone. He knows he just needs to try harder. If they don’t drift apart after the cruise, Dan will do just that.

He’s half a chapter in when Phil returns. A seat next to Dan freed just a minute before that so Dan quickly hogged it by throwing his beach towel on it. Phil sits there and Dan feels sad about it. Reasonably, he knows they can’t fit on a single sun lounger, but he wanted his cuddles.

“Still reading that, I see,” Phil notes quietly.

“Yeah.” Dan closes his book for a second to look at its cover. It's bluey-green, like the rest of Crowley’s book, with intricate lace detail on the background and two hands intertwined in focus. “It’s no  _ Man in the Sea,  _ but it’s good.”

Phil scoffs and turns his attention towards the water. He opens his mouth to say something, but in that very moment, Jimmy returns. “We’re getting cocktails.”

“I’ll give you a hand,” Phil offers, avoiding a chat with Dan again.

It just pisses Dan off. What could possibly be so big and bad that Phil wants to talk about it but chickens out? It’s not like he needs to hide it from Dan. At this point, Dan’s certain that them having sex on a cruise ship during a storm means that whatever Phil wants to say can’t be that awful.

As a last resort, he turns to Leo. “Phil’s been meaning to talk to me about something, I think,” Dan says. Leo just looks at him, presumably looking at him confused from behind his sunglasses. “He keeps like… Giving me signals that he wants to talk but never actually does. Has he said anything to you? Or Jimmy?”

“Not to me, no. Jimmy hasn’t said anything to me, either.”

“Hmm…” Dan doesn’t want to ask Leo to ask Jimmy. He knows that if Phil feels ready, he will say something. He just needs to be patient. Which he cannot be. “Would you ask him, please? I mean when you get the chance, it’s not that urgent.” Except it is, but anyways.

“Sure, but Dan?” Leo pushes his glasses to the top of his head. The way sunshine reflects on the pool hits his face just right and Dan can see gold flecks in his chocolate brown eyes. “I don’t think you need to worry. Phil likes you, like really likes you. The guy looks at you and it’s like he’s looking at the seven wonders. I think it’s safe to say he’s rather fond of you.”

For a second, Dan considers his words. He knows Leo’s right, of course he does. But a small part of him, the annoying bit, the one that’s worried still wonders why Phil is hiding something. But then Dan’s rationality, with a big bat, knocks it out. Phil can have his secrets. It’s not like Dan has the right to know every single thing that goes through Phil’s head. He knows he’s being unreasonable, but frustration is a bitch.

“Thanks, Leo,” he says eventually. He looks towards the bar and sees Phil and Jimmy leaning against it, waiting for their drinks. “I’m really glad you and Jimmy found each other.”

“Yeah?” There’s a stupid smile on Leo’s face, one that’s mushy and full of crush.

“He looks genuinely happy. I mean, I haven’t known him for long, but I think he really likes being around you. You know that dreamy sigh heroines do in a shitty rom-com? I think Jimmy’s at that stage.”

Leo laughs a bit. “You and your romance things.”

“Hey, they’re good!”

“Have you thought about writing a book?”

Dan scoffs. “Yeah, no thanks. I gave it a go a while ago, but it was shit.”

“Well, there’s always the option of becoming a booktuber.”

Dan shakes his head. “I have to live in the real world, unfortunately.”

“Don’t we all?”

After that, for the next minute, they sit in a semi-uncomfortable silence, until Jimmy and Phil return, with two glasses each.

“Alright, lads?” Jimmy says as he hands one of the glasses to Leo. “Say thanks to our lovely benefactor, Phil Lester!”

Phil sits next to Dan on the sunlounger and carefully gives him the cocktail. “It’s Piña Colada, not a million quid, Jim.” 

Jimmy waves dismissively. “You saved me from thirst, my noble hero.”

To this, both Leo and Dan say, “Oi!” at the same time.

“He’s my hero!” Dan objects.

“Yeah and I’m supposed to be yours.” Leo gently hits Jimmy’s thigh. The two of them start bantering (also known as, shamelessly flirting), and pay no attention to Dan and Phil.

“Am I?” Phil blinks.

Dan rolls his eyes. “Of course.” He leans in and kisses Phil’s cheeks. He can’t help but notice how he blushes a bit, so he kisses it again.

“Good.”

After a moment, Dan says, “I know there’s something you want to tell me, but it’s okay, I don’t need to know everything. You’ll tell me if and when you’re ready.”

Phil looks at him. Usually, for Dan, it’s very easy to read his face, but not right now. Dan’s come to know that Phil is shit at acting and having a poker face, but right now, Phil’s just… staring. Either at Dan or the open sea behind him, but Dan can’t tell if he’s upset or if he’s relieved.

“Thanks,” Phil says eventually, that frozen face breaking, and a small smile appears. “I’ll uh… It’s nothing bad, I promise, like it’s not about us.”

“You’re not dying, are you?” Dan’s heart stops beating as he waits for an answer.

“No, God, no!” Phil laughs. “It’s nothing like that. I promise.”

“Okay, good.” 

Dan, with a hand on Phil’s knees, leans in, this time for a proper kiss. But almost immediately he hears Jimmy and Leo’s ‘whoop whoop’ in the background.

“Gross, guys,” Jimmy says with a grin, “absolutely gross.”

“Oh shut up, you’re the same,” Phil tells him off, while Dan gives him the finger.

“We are, aren’t we?” he asks from Leo. Dan can just about see the neon hearts coming from Jimmy’s eyes when he’s looking at his crush.

Leo squeezes his hand. “Let’s go for a swim.”

“Let’s.” Jimmy looks at Dan and Phil. “Can you watch our stuff? Also, I was thinking we could go for mini-golf later.”

“Sounds good,” Dan nods and with that Leo and Jimmy are gone, disappearing into the cool water. “What are we doing now?”

“Well, I had the brilliant idea of just lying here and doing absolutely nothing.”

“In a week, when I’ll be back at my shitty job, I’ll be thinking about this very moment.”

“And in two weeks, I’ll be convincing you that you have to quit your job.”

Dan smiles but stays quiet. His heart and mind are not focused on the fact that hopefully soon he’ll be quitting his job, but the fact that in two weeks, he’ll still be seeing Phil’s lovely face. He can live with that.

They stay until dinner time, then the four of them head to Ruby. As they walk in, Dan can’t help but laugh. They look like a boy band who sing operas at care homes. The chinos he has are really comfy though, so he’s rocking that pseudo-One Direction look. 

After dinner and a couple of glasses of wine, they head up to the Sports Deck for some mini-golf. It’s fun, they’re all tipsy and shit at it, but they’re all having a laugh and that’s all that matters. At the end of the night, they sit down on Sun Deck, Jimmy and Leo on one chair, Dan and Phil right next to them, on another. Dan is cuddled up to Phil on a sunlounger and he’s at peace. He’s never been happier. They’re enjoying the dark sky with thousands, if not millions of stars around them. But as Dan looks around, he can’t help but notice the lightning in the distance. Silently, he hopes it avoids them. He doesn’t want a storm.


	34. Day 14 - Gibraltar

Dan really likes waking up next to Phil. He likes how their legs are tangled together, inseparable. He likes how they perfectly fit, like their bodies were made for each other. He even likes how his naked skin sticks to Phil.

He enjoys waking up before Phil because that means he gets to stare at him, marvel at his beauty. But secretly, he prefers when Phil is up before him. The thing is, Phil is awkward, so not in control of his limbs. But he’s also the gentlest person Dan’s ever been with. Right now, his fingers are roaming endless circles on Dan’s skin, carving invisible patterns in it. His arm is loosely around Dan’s waist.

For a bit, Dan just lies there, silent, wanting to enjoy this moment forever. He never wants to leave this room. Everything is good and safe in here with Phil. He likes him, he really likes him. It makes his heart hurt, but in a good way. He never knew so much love and fondness can exist within it.

Suddenly, he really wants to convey that. So he opens his eyes, only to be met Phil’s bluey-greeny-yellowy ones. Sure, he’s not got his glasses on or contacts in, so he’s squinting, but he smiles when sees that Dan’s awake.

“Morning, babe,” he says quietly and still very sleepily and gingerly kisses Dan’s forehead.

Dan giggles and hides his face in Phil’s chest. “I really like hearing that, you know.” He kisses Phil’s throat, making his way up, kissing the underside of his chin, until his lips find Phil’s. He takes a soft little breath, inhaling Phil’s scent. It’s morning breath, mixed with the complimentary cruise shower gel they both use, a little bit of sea air and even a little bit of sweat and sex because they were too lazy to wash up last night. Just at the thought of that, Dan’s heart beats faster. “You smell so good,” he whispers against Phil’s lips, then kisses him again.

Phil smiles into the kiss and runs his fingers through Dan’s hair. His other hand is on Dan’s naked back, trying to pull him even closer. It’s like he’s trying to make their hearts one.

Gently, Phil pulls his head back, but only because he’s desperate to look Dan in the eyes. Well, squint. He’s still blind as a bat. “You are the best thing that’s happened to me in a long while,” he says with a small, unsure smile.

It almost makes Dan cry. He feels a full-on sob forming in his chest, wanting to burst out, wanting to shout. He clings onto Phil, never wanting to leave.

“Fuck, Phil.” His nails dig crescent moons into Phil’s shoulder blades. “You are, too.” He kisses Phil, softly, gently, featherlight. Maybe it lasts a couple of seconds, maybe it lasts a couple of hours, who knows, but it’s all too short. Eventually, Dan opens his eyes, his lips never leaving their sacred place from Phil’s as he whispers, “I know this is too much too soon, but I like you so fucking much. I don’t think you even realise how much I like you.”

“I don’t think  _ you  _ realise how much I like you.”

Phil kisses him again, but this time he pushes Dan onto his back until he’s straddling his hips, but never breaking the kiss. Dan wraps his legs around Phil, wanting to pull him even closer. With his two hands on either side of Dan’s face, he lowers himself until their chests are touching. Instinctively, Dan grinds against him and moans as his semi comes into contact with Phil’s.

“Fucking hell,” Dan says, breaking away from the kiss. His head tips backwards, exposing his throat which Phil uses to kiss the base of Dan’s throat, sucking on his skin, harder than before. The fact that it’ll leave a mark is the least of Dan’s worries. “Fuck, Phil,” he whines wanting more, wanting everything.

“Tell me what you want, baby.”

“You, always and forever you.”

“You have me.”

Dan reaches between them, tugging at Phil’s boxers. Even the five seconds it takes to get him out of the item of clothing is too long. He puts his palm on Phil’s stomach, until his fingers find the happy trail, leading Dan to heaven. He doesn’t know what he wants exactly. He wants everything at the same time, he wants him in his hand, in his mouth, he wants Phil inside him, he wants to be inside Phil.

While he’s deciding to choose, Phil seems to have decided for him. With a swifter move, he reaches into Dan’s boxers, taking him in his hand.

“Fuck,” Dan groans as Phil runs the tip of a finger across his slit. “Fuck, just kiss me.”

“Gladly.”

They leave the room perfectly sated. After a shower, they get dressed for the last excursion of their trip.

Dan feels all giddy and happy. They’re holding hands and he can’t stop smiling or jumping around like a 7-year-old. He’s certain this is heaven. He’s certain he found it with Phil.

In the lobby, Jimmy and Leo are already waiting for them. Upon seeing them and how happy they are, Jimmy rolls his eyes. Dan knows the only reason he does not yell ‘okay, we get it, you had a good shag’ is the family with three children next to them.

“Good morning, lovebirds,” Jimmy says with a wink.

“Good morning to you too!” Dan feels that nothing can ruin his day. He’s walking on clouds. Either that or he’s having an out of body experience. “Breakfast?”

“We’ll have it on land. Lenny here is dying for a fry up.”

Leo rolls his eyes. “Jimmy likes to think that he’s my 76-year-old grandmother who still calls me Lenny.”

“You love it.”

Leo tries to hide his smile but fails massively. He says, “Alright,” and kisses Jimmy’s cheek.

Gibraltar is a gem. With its bustling life, both locals and tourists, the place looks like it never stops. Sure, it’s not a big place because ten short minutes later on the shuttle bus, they’re in the town centre.

It’s a gorgeous little place. On one side, is the bay with ships big and small in the port. Their whites are in perfect contrast with the bright blue of the sea and the greenery of the Spanish hills in the distance. Opposite that is the Rock of Gibraltar, a massive mount overlooking the peninsula. Dan snaps a couple of photos and even takes a video of his surroundings. The day is just too perfect to miss out on anything.

The four of them wander down a small street, following Jimmy as usual.

“Mum recommended me this place,” he tells them, “she said it’s a must.” 

So they’re blindly following him down a narrow alleyway, which means Dan is squished up against Phil, but he doesn’t mind it. They have their arms tangled together, and even in the muggy heat that’s around them, he doesn’t mind that their skins are all stuck together.

As they’re walking to the restaurant, he stares at Phil. He stares at the unbuttoned bit of his maroon shirt with white spots on it. He stares at his pale legs sticking out of his denim shorts. He stares at his quiff that got a bit floppy in the wind. He stares at Phil’s face, partially covered by black sunglasses.

Dan smiles at Phil’s beauty. He smiles when he takes in just how beautiful this person is and how lucky he is he can call Phil his for a while.

Then, he realises, he’s falling. He’s falling in love fast and hard with this magnificent, gorgeous, funny, dorky, wonderful being. And he’s okay with that.

The restaurant is in a hidden corner of Gibraltar. It’s tucked away at the bottom of the promontory, on a sidestreet. They walk in and almost immediately, a waiter comes and asks if they’d like to be seated inside or out, to which all four of them say ‘out’ in unison. Their table is under a big, cream coloured shade so they don’t feel the heat that much.

Without even looking at the menu, they order four fry ups. It’s probably a mistake in the heat, both the fact it’s a warm breakfast and the number of calories it has, but their British bodies demand it. And truly, it’s the best full English Dan’s had in a while. Or maybe he was just craving it. Still, it’s a filling breakfast, but it makes him sleepy.

While they have coffee to make sure they don’t dive into a food coma, they talk about the day ahead of them. There’s a list of suggestions from Google open on Jimmy’s phone, considering he became their travel agent of some sorts.

“I’d like to go for a hike and maybe check out the cave if we have time,” Leo says, looking at Jimmy.

“Sounds like a good plan.” Jimmy types on his phone. “Get the cable car?”

“Sure, yeah.” Leo looks at Dan and Phil. “Are you coming?”

“It involves too much walking,” Dan says, patting his food baby. “We’ll wander around town.”

“Or just sit somewhere and not move,” Phil adds. “Too tired.”

Jimmy rolls his eyes. “Alright, fine, you lazy bastards.”

For a while, Jimmy and Leo chat about something Dan is not paying attention to. Phil is typing on his phone then excuses himself to call his mum. Only then does Dan realise, that he hasn’t even checked his phone.

This trip has done some good, after all. Sure, meeting Phil, Jimmy and even Leo, but he hasn’t even looked at his phone  _ as a phone.  _ He’s just taken some pictures and videos with it, but now that he’s left to his own devices, he checks his messages.

There are a couple of concerned messages from his mother (he texts back saying ‘hi still alive in Gibraltar I’ll call you in two days love you), and his boss asking when he’ll be back. Dan ignores that one, deciding that’s future Dan’s problem. Louise also messaged him (text, Facebook  _ and  _ Instagram), asking about his welfare. Dan quickly uploads a photo of the Rock of Gibraltar to his story, before heading to Facebook. When he sees that Louise is online, he hits the video chat button. He stands and walks away from the group a bit.

He smiles when he sees her blonde, bouncy hair and big smile. “Hi, Lou!”

“Hi, hon! Oh my god, you look so good!” She looks to the side. “Come here, Darce, say hi to Uncle Dan!”

“Hi, Uncle Dan!” Darcy waves into the camera. “Will you bring me something nice?”

“Of course, pumpkin.” He smiles at her and she smiles back, proudly showcasing her missing front tooth. “I can’t wait for you to see what I got for you.”

“Yay, Uncle Dan is the best!” She runs off.

Louise’s bright face returns to the camera. “How are you, Dan?”

“Good, I’m really good.” He grins and brings the microphone closer, so Jimmy doesn’t hear it and make fun of him later. “I’m really happy.” Phil walks into the video, completely oblivious and still on the phone, pacing as he talks. Dan points at him, but doesn’t move his phone. “That’s Phil.”

“The Phil?!”

“Yeah.”

“Well done, Dan!”

Dan laughs. “Thanks. Things are going really well, I hope.” He bites into his lip. “How have you been? How’s Pearlie? I’m sorry I didn’t really message you.”

“Don’t be silly!” She waves. “I’m really happy things are looking up for you, hon. Pearlie’s like a pearl, she’s a good girl. She’s got this big smile when you tickle her.”

“I miss you all so much.” Dan pouts. Opposite him, Jimmy and Leo stand up and wave goodbye. Jimmy quickly tells him that they’ll meet at the bus stop when they need to head back to the ship. “I’ve got to go, but I’ll call you when I’m back in Southampton.”

“Okay, be safe, flower!”

“Bye, Lou, love you!”

He hangs up with a smile. After everything, it’s weird to be talking to Louise. For her, nothing’s changed. But for Dan, the whole world took a spin, left and right, up and down. He turns to look at Phil who’s pacing up and down as he’s talking to his mother.

Dan doesn’t know why, but he gets an urge to be close to him. Sure, it’s inappropriate to intrude in on a call, but he doesn’t care. He walks to Phil, stopping him in his tracks and kissing him. Immediately, Phil blushes and becomes a mumbling mess.

“Phil?” he hears from the phone.

“Gotta go, bye, love you!” He hangs up, but not before they hear her yell ‘Philip’. But Phil doesn’t even care, he pockets his phone and puts his hands on either side of Dan’s face. Thankfully, his hands are big enough so he’s kind of cupping Dan’s jaws and it makes Dan melt. He kisses him, it’s big and swooping, the kind of kiss that happens at the end of romance films. Dan’s heart is beating fast, but as Phil pulls away to smile at him, it’s going even faster. “Hey.”

“Hey, yourself.” Dan smiles dreamily. He’s sure he’s floating ten feet in the air.

“You okay?” Phil asks, as he softly brushes Dan’s hair behind his ear.

It makes Dan’s knees go weak. Fuck. His emotions are ready to burst out, ready to soar high and far. “I really fucking like you, Phil.”

Phil’s features soften. He pulls Dan closer, but only to kiss Dan’s forehead. It’s weird, because Dan is a 28-year-old, 6 foot 3 giant and Phil is an inch shorter, but it feels so great.

“Well, good thing I like you, too.”

“Is it awful? That I’m this sappy and that I keep saying it?”

“No, I like hearing it.” Phil looks around them, then back at Dan. “Are we staying here or going somewhere?”

“Somewhere. I think there’s a lighthouse here. I mean, after all, it’s our one week anniversary.” Dan laughs and quickly continues, before Phil gets scared. “I’m joking! God, I think that would be a new level of bullshit from me.”

“But it’s bullshit I’d gladly take.”

Dan fondly rolls his eyes and says, “Idiot.”

Phil gets his phone and opens the map. After typing for a few seconds, they got their route to the lighthouse. It’s only 20 minutes away, during which they can explore most of Gibraltar.

“Let’s go,” Phil takes Dan’s hand and they start their hike. “I like how sappy and romantic you can get.”

“I think it’s borderline cringy, but I can’t stop.”

“I don’t want you to stop. Ever.” Phil tugs at Dan’s hand and pulls it in front of him so he kisses his knuckles. “I don’t know, sometimes it’s in contrast with everything. Like you wear black and have these self-deprecating jokes, but you’re just a huge softie. I think your outside is pitch black, but on the inside, it’s nothing but pink, fluffy cushions.”

“To be honest, I think that’s pretty accurate.”

“Okay, do me then.”

“Phil!” He whines with a laugh. “But also, gladly.”

“You’re back on your bush sex bullshit, aren’t you?”

Dan looks around, pretending to entertain the thought. “Not as nice as the Greek bushes of Cephalonia, but horny boys make do.”

Phil laughs and pulls Dan closer. He kisses his temple and his lips linger. “You know, for years, I’ve been… lonely isn’t the right word, but something along the lines. I mean I’ve got some friends and I’m close to my brother, but this is something I’ve been looking for.”

“Yeah?”

Phil smiles, small and lost. His fingers are gripping Dan’s, both clinging to Dan and keeping him close. “I’m a pretty private person, I think. Sometimes I have trouble connecting with people, like what do I say to them? But with you, it’s different.”

Dan chews on his lip, worrying a tiny bit. He feels awful. For the past two weeks or so, he’s been pretty selfish. There are things he knows about Phil, but not a whole lot. Sure, some things will come later, if there’s a later. He doesn’t need to find out everything right away. Right now, he reckons, it’s enough that he knows just how wonderful Phil is as a person. He knows he’s a good person, who likes food, who likes dorky things, who can’t stop obsessing over Buffy, who wants to have a dog. Phil’s funny in his own way, he says inappropriate things at the worst (or best) times, he’s got no control whatsoever over his own limbs.

“Sorry I haven’t really asked about, like, your life or anything.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to say, Dan.” They cross the street, and in the distance, they can already see the water. “I don’t usually find people I’m comfortable around. Like I’m very much of an introvert, people make me so tired.” He sighs. Dan knows that feeling so well. “But you don’t. Like, we spent the past week joined at the hip, didn’t we?”

“Yeah.”

“And still, I feel like it’s not enough. It’s so hard to find someone who’s on the same wavelength. People can fit together like puzzle pieces, but there are still gaps between the edges. I feel like… I feel like we don’t have that.”

Dan smiles. He feels exactly the same. He’s at peace around Phil. Sure, his heart is going a mile a minute and he feels like he hasn’t stopped smiling. But no one makes him feel as good and happy and loved as Phil does.

“We really don’t, huh?”

“It’s so gross.”

“It is.”

“You’re a wonderful guy, Dan. I’m really happy we met.”

Dan wants to debate the first part, but he’d rather not ruin the moment. So he stops Phil to kiss him, pouring everything into it, making sure that even if this is their last kiss (which Dan hopes won’t be), Phil knows how much he means to Dan already. 

And the thing is, Dan knows it’s fast. He knows it’s unrealistic. He knows it sounds like a story written by someone at 2 am because they’re lonely, but this is Dan’s reality. He met a guy and immediately, he hit the jackpot. It feels odd, because everything’s way too perfect, but he doesn’t care, because Phil is right there and he’s dragging him towards the lighthouse and everything, absolutely everything, is perfect. 


	35. Day 14 - Gibraltar

Soon enough, Dan and Phil arrive at the lighthouse. It’s on the edge of an ancient cliff formation. Maybe it’s the sea breeze, maybe it’s the thought, but Dan shivers when he thinks about the fact that he’s standing on the edge of Europe. In medieval times, people must’ve thought there was nothing beyond it. 

A year ago, even a couple of months ago, he was dreaming of this, of being on a holiday of his dreams, exploring places he kept seeing on pictures, in films. And now he’s here. And he’s got someone to share it with.

They sit down on a bench. To their right is the lighthouse, towering above Gibraltar with it’s white and red paint. For a bit, they just enjoy the sunshine and the cool breeze.

“It’s pretty,” Dan says.

“He is.”

Dan rolls his eyes, but that can’t hide his blushy cheeks or the fond grin. “Shut up, you spoon.”

It’s a bright, clear day. And truly, in the distance, he can see the mountains of Northern Africa. They can also see the Spanish settlements along the coast, towns bordering the water. Behind them is the Rock of Gibraltar, watching over the strait. 

“I don’t want to leave.”

“We’ve still got time before we have to head back to the ship.”

“No, I mean… The whole trip. I was so against it, like I thought me? With my seasickness? On a cruise ship for two weeks?”

“Still a silly idea.” Dan doesn’t want to say that he’s rather glad that Phil was forced to come on this trip.

“Do you remember what you told me? I think it was the first day we met.”

“I say a lot of bullshit, Phil, you know me.”

“You do, but that’s okay.” He kisses Dan’s temple and wraps his arm around his shoulder. “You said something like I should’ve just flown to Greece.”

“And I’m really glad you didn’t.”

“I don’t know if you remember, but just a couple of days ago you were taking care of me when I was spewing my guts.”

“Through sickness and in health.”

“Mainly in sickness on this cruise.” Phil laughs. “But still, despite that, I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to get back into boringness of my London life.”

“At least you have a great job.”

“That is until I get fired.”

A little girl drops her ice cream and she starts screaming like a banshee. Dan waits with his question until the girl’s dad picks her up, comforting her. “Why would you get fired?”

“I didn’t do something I should’ve.”

“You’re on holiday! The only thing you should be doing is kissing me.”

Phil chuckles and drops his arm to Dan’s waist. “Yep.”

“I’ll fight your boss.”

“You’d end up losing and crying. She’s really terrifying.”

“I’d do anything for you, Phil.”

Phil looks at him, staring into his eyes. There it is, that moment again. Phil wants to say something, but he changes his mind at the last moment. So instead, he smiles and says, “I know.”

For the next couple of minutes, they sit there. They’re not talking, but instead, they’re spending that time to listen to the waves as they crash against the battered rocks. Seagulls and other seabirds are calling above them. The wind rustles the soft grass behind them. It’s truly is picturesque, both for their eyes and ears.

Eventually, Dan stands. He takes Phil’s hand and takes him to the edge of the promenade, where the cliffs gave way to the water. It’s absolutely magnificent and a bit scary, too. But Dan takes a couple of shots, wanting to remember as it is, in the brilliant sunshine.

“Remember the selfie we took in Corfu?” Dan says. “We should’ve been recreating that on all excursions.”

“It seems such a long time ago.”

“You were so pretty. I actually took some photos of you.” While he talks, he opens his camera roll and finds the pictures. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

Before Dan could show Phil the pictures or even the selfie they took just before they had their first kiss, Phil puts his hand on the back of Dan’s head, guiding him closer to him. But before he actually kisses him, Phil says, “Dan? Shut up.”

It’s a giggly, happy, falling in love kind of kiss. That’s truly how Dan feels. And it’s good. It’s really fucking good.

They go for ice cream afterwards. Just to even out all the sappiness and all the cheese, Dan gets a blackcurrant flavoured ice cream that makes his tongue black. Phil got a strawberry and cream flavoured lolly. While they eat, they sit by the lighthouse again.

“Tell you what,” Dan says as he finishes his snack. “Tomorrow, I’m not getting dressed. We’re staying in bed all day, eating room service and watching films.”

“Sounds good, but I think you’re forgetting one thing.”

“The copious amount of making out? The endless orgasms?” Phil rolls his eyes, but Dan continues. “The sweet, sweet smell of sex?”

“You’re the worst.”

“My sex life has never been better, to be honest,” he admits. “I haven’t had this much sex like ever.”

“Dan!” Phil tells him off with a laugh. “If you’re so keen, why don’t we head back?”

Phil starts standing up, but Dan pulls him back. 

“Does it bother you?”

“What?”

“That I’m saying stuff like this. I don’t know, but I feel like I’m a new person.” Phil almost interrupts him, but Dan stops him. “I mean, quite literally. If you showed this guy to the Dan who lives in a crappy flat with awful flatmates, he’d say that this is a different person. I feel… so out of character? Like there’s a writer who kind of forgot about my real characterisation.”

Phil’s breath hitches. “You’re in vacation mode,” he says quietly. “I think it’s quite normal to act differently.”

“Hmm, maybe. Just tell me if you still like the real me.”

“Oh, I’m sure I will.”

Dan reckons that in a week or two, when they’re back in the real world and Phil still wants to carry on with this, he’ll realise that Dan is nothing but a depressed goblin, a formless blob, who overthinks everything, who paces around his room at 3 am because the thoughts in his head are just too much. The Dan Phil met on the cruise, the holiday Dan, is wearing a Hawaiian shirt on the inside, sipping cocktail after cocktail and his biggest worry is that it’s been about 5 minutes since he was last kissed.

But come the real world, come the grey weekdays, Phil will realise just how utterly pathetic Dan is. Maybe he’ll stay, maybe he won’t. So for now, Dan exorcises that thought and kisses the remnant of the ice cream away from the corner of Phil’s mouth.

They go for a wander by the seafront. There’s music coming from somewhere, quiet, but upbeat. As they make their way towards it, it gets louder, along with the chatter and laughter of a crowd.

It’s not really his scene, but it fills Dan with joy and excitement for some reason. It’s Latin music mixed with generic pop. It ignites his blood and although he is not really a dancer, it gets him moving.

“The only dance I’m good at is DDR,” he tells Phil as they stand on the sidelines, watching locals and tourists dance to the beat. He’s awkwardly shuffling from one foot to another, unable to properly move his limbs. “I love this!”

Phil smiles at him, getting his phone from his pocket. He snaps a photo of Dan who’s laughing into the camera. He’s genuinely enjoying himself and even the completely amateur, unposed photo doesn’t bother him, either.

“You look gorgeous,” Phil says, leaning close to him, whispering in his ear. His breath moves Dan’s hair. He gently kisses the spot beneath Dan’s ear, the soft skin he knows is so sensitive. “I can’t wait to undress you later.”

Dan blushes and he turns to Phil. “Now who’s horny on main?”

Others join in the dance and somehow, Dan and Phil end up in the crowd. They’re standing in the middle as the musicians switch to a softer, more gentle melody. Perfect for slow dancing.

Which is exactly what they do. It’s utterly ridiculous, but it’s perfect at the same time. Dan puts his hands on Phil’s shoulder, keeping him close as Phil wraps his arms around Dan’s torso, hugging him. Although the phrase ‘dancing’ is quite an exaggeration, as they look like two mannequins stepping left and right, it still feels good.

“I want to do this,” Phil admits, “back on the ship, listening to that song you showed me the other day. Clothes are optional.”

Dan raises his hand, brushing Phil’s quiff back a little. “You’re the sappiest, most romantic yet horniest guy I’ve ever met. Including me and that says something.”

“You know, speaking of the ‘real you’, I’m not any of that. I can’t really do romance in real life. I don’t know what to say most of the time or I just make it too awkward.”

“You’re doing just fine, Phil. I don’t really care about the grand gestures, the boombox outside my window. I care about the small thing,” Dan smiles a bit and he studies Phil for a second. “Like this, the way you’re looking at me. Trust me when I say that you are romantic.”

“Thanks.” Phil takes a deep breath. “So you don’t like the boombox thing? There goes my promposal.”

Dan laughs, loudly, even snorting a bit. A couple of people look at him, but he only sees Phil. “Damn! Sorry for ruining your plans.”

“It’s alright, you can make up for it later.”

Oh, Dan will, he’s sure of that.

They slowly find their way back to the town centre, following narrow, windy streets and cobblestoned alleyways. In the distance, a plane roars, taking up, taking holidaymakers away from paradise. In fact, as they get back to the town centre, they see Jimmy and Leo, wearing big, ridiculous straw hats.

“What on earth are you wearing?” Dan asks, questioning his sanity.

“This is called fashion, Daniel,” Jimmy says, doing a half-arsed Vogue pose.

Leo looks distraught. He stares at Dan and Phil as if he’s asking to be saved. “Jimmy got us these so we don’t get sunburnt.”

The hats, deep beige in colour, have wide rims decorated with fake poppies. Phil’s laughing at them and Dan is close, too, only his manners holding him back.

“It looks… lovely.” He leaves enough pause so Jimmy can hear the sarcasm.

Jimmy’s eyes go wide. “Fuck, I should’ve bought you, too! It’s too late to go back.”

“Oh no! What a shame!” Phil says, but he keeps laughing.

“Alright, you two. Knock it off.”

The shuttle arrives and they get on. As they find some seats, Leo turns to Dan and Phil, saying, “I tried to convince him not to get it. I told him it would not fit in his suitcase, but he just said ‘Eh, I’ve got some T-shirts I’ve been meaning to throw away.”

“What a chaotic energy.” Dan laughs.

“I heard that!” Jimmy says. They’re now sitting in the back. “To be honest, I think Marie Kondo would be proud of me.”

“For what? Keeping a fugly hat?” Dan questions. As they chat, his hand immediately finds Phil’s.

“She’d be proud of me.” Jimmy sounds so convincing, although if he wants to convince himself or the group, Dan isn’t sure. “I’m throwing something out that holds no sentimental value and I’m keeping something that does.”

“Alright,” Dan says with an eye roll. Next to him, Leo’s mouthing ‘too much Netflix, sorry’. “So how was your day?”

“Surprisingly short. Went up The Rock and took some lovely pictures.”

During the journey back to the ship, Dan and Phil listen to the summary of their trip, during which Jimmy and Leo fed a bird, found a stone that looked like Elvis and almost got mugged by some monkeys. While it sounds good, it sounds like too much exercise for Dan.

As they’re walking up the gangway, they agree to head up to the Sun Deck for some drinks after they get changed. In the lobby, they’re greeted by a cruise attendant handing out flyers for a pub quiz later that night. The four of them stop as they discuss it.

“We should totally go!” Jimmy says, reading the leaflet.

“Yeah, sounds like fun!” Leo nods. “Are you two in?”

Before Dan can reply, there’s a voice, a voice they’ve been dreading to hear ever again. It says, “Did you know that Phil is TJ Crowley?”


	36. Day 14 - Gibraltar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for emotional abuse, manipulation and toxicity

Suddenly, Dan’s worst fear comes true. Two of them, in fact. 

The voice belongs to Patrick. Fucking Patrick. Dan and Jimmy both freeze. The world slows down around them, only three of them are there. It’s a black space like they exist in a vacuum. The only sound is some kind of white noise, that vaguely sounds like Phil, saying Dan’s name.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Jimmy asks, quietly, but his voice is filled with rage and hatred.

Dan is looking at his own shoes, unable to move, unable to talk, unable to think. He feels ashamed, he feels awful. It’s the exact same feeling he used to get when he was with Patrick. He wants to be strong, but the world is slipping from his grip. Patrick’s sentence echoes in every fibre of his being. Phil is Crowley. Crowley is Phil. Can it be?

Dan starts trembling, it’s either fear or anger, he’s not quite sure. He’s never been this terrified. Patrick is not physical, he never hit Dan, but the emotional pressure and terror he puts Dan under might as well feel like it. He looks up briefly, but he can only see the black bubble they're in and Jimmy and Patrick. 

Patrick smiles, smugly. He looks like he just won the lottery. “What he deserves,” he points at Dan. “You ruined everything, Dan. You ruined me and Jimmy. Fuck, you ruined you and me.”

“Patrick, I swear to God…” Jimmy tries to say, but Patrick stops him.

“The only thing you can do is mope and destroy everything and everyone around you.” He chuckles. “So bit by bit, I’ll bring you down.”

Dan looks up, not at Patrick. He was never allowed to look him in the eye when Patrick was telling him off, unless he told him explicitly. Dan wants to run. He wants to run, like he always does, but his feet weigh a ton and he can’t move. Patrick still has him under his awful, awful spell.

“You have to leave or I’ll have you thrown off! You shouldn’t even be here, what…” Dan hears Jimmy tell Patrick, but it sounds so distant, so deep underwater.

Patrick stops him again. He walks up to Dan and says, “Have you heard what I told you? Look at me, you pathetic excuse of a man."

Dan feels a hand on his wrist, whether it’s Patrick’s or someone else’s, he doesn’t know. He silently begs that someone stops Patrick. Jimmy, Phil, a cruise attendant. God. Anyone. 

He does as he’s told: he looks into Patrick's eyes, seeing the smugness and fire in it. Dan realises he’s got tears running down his cheeks. He didn’t want to give Patrick the satisfaction, but he did. The life, the heart, the safety he’s been healing and building are now broken once more.

“Leave, Patrick,” Dan says weakly.

“Speak up, Dan.” Patrick laughs. “You’re still so weak. You destroy everything you touch.”

“Patrick, please,” he begs, wondering why Jimmy is not interrupting them. “Just leave me alone.”

“Your precious little Phil is your precious little author you’re so fucking in love with. Has he told you that? Did you know that I had to hire investigators to find dirt on him? He wasn’t easy to figure out, but I did.” Dan stays quiet. Patrick leans in close and says so quietly that only Dan can hear. “I’ll keep on doing this. I told you. You have ruined everything, now it's my turn to ruin everything for you.”

Maybe it’s tiredness, maybe it’s rage, but Dan steps away. Maybe he’s grown as a person, maybe he’s out of Patrick’s toxic grip. He gets out of the nothing they were in as he says to Patrick. “I know. He told me.” He tries to sound sure, even though his heart is breaking as he thinks about it.

Patrick stares at him, shocked. He wasn’t expecting it, it seems. He’s always thought he was the smartest guy around, meaning he's always humiliated Dan to make sure he knew his place. Dan’s never defied him - up until now. And it feels liberating, even though Dan is falling apart.

Then the next minute Leo comes, followed by two security guards who take Patrick’s arms and drag him away. Patrick shouts ‘you’ll regret this’, kicking and screaming at the two men who take him away.

Chatter returns to the lobby as people discuss the scene. To the other passengers, it’s just that: a scene. But for Dan, it’s a scenario he never thought would happen. But now it has and he feels awful and he feels like he’s about to throw up. 

Dan looks around, still teary-eyed. He sees Jimmy who’s just as shaken as he is. He sees Leo, consoling Jimmy. But most importantly, he sees Phil and the rage comes.

He feels like he was cheated on like he was betrayed and left to rot in the dirt. He wants to punch a wall, he wants to yell at people, he wants to tell people to fuck off for even staring. His cheeks redden, and this time, it’s not embarrassment or the heat.

Phil looks broken. He looks even paler than usual, his quiff has completely fallen apart. When he speaks, his voice is small, almost inaudible. “I can explain, I wanted to tell you.”

A reasonable, more logical part of Dan wants to hear it. He knows there must be some reason behind it, but the angry part of him is bigger. He knows whatever happened, he was lied to.

“Get the FUCK away from me!” he yells at Phil as Dan rushes past him, unable to hold his sobs back. 

He hears Phil running after him, calling his name. He can hear him shout apologies and explanations. But Dan is not interested. He manages to get into the lift before Phil can catch up. As the doors close, he feels his heart split into two. He feels like his chest is caving in.

The thing is, he’s not mad at Phil being Crowley, he can deal with that. He’s mad at him for lying. He’s mad at him for being deceived, especially after Phil witnessed on multiple occasions what Patrick did. He’s mad at Phil for saying all those nice things about them and their future and then hiding something so big.

Dan gets to his floor before Phil or anyone else can find him. He runs to his door, shoving his card in. Then his heart breaks again and the tears start falling even faster.

He sees Phil’s things all over the room. The phone charger with the silly cat sticker is still plugged in on Phil’s side. His contact lens case is still on his bedside table. His socks are still on the floor, his towel is still drying on the hanger and his toothbrush is still next to Dan’s.

Dan crumbles. He falls to the floor, but his heart falls even further. It sinks deep into the ocean as if it wants to stay there for all eternity, waiting to perish in the sandy seabed.

He stays on the soft carpet for five minutes or five hours, but he hears people walking past his door and he hears people knocking and calling out his name. But he doesn’t move until his pelvis start hurting. He stands up as slow as a sloth and strips from his clothes. 

His tears are still falling, wetting his cheeks and dripping down to his neck and chest. He gets into bed, feeling something hard under his pillow. He reaches for it, only to pull out A Kiss of Perfection.

For a minute, he holds it in his hand, staring at it. He almost finished it, only three chapters and the epilogue left. Then he looks at Crowley’s name. Phil’s pen name. Phil’s name.

This feels to worst of them, yet. His worst… Not even break up because they were never officially an item, they only hooked up. But the promises it held, the hopes that were ahead of them. They’re now gone.

Dan really thought Phil would be the one. Not only The One but the one who wouldn’t turn out to be a lying, manipulating, cheating bastard. Maybe Dan’s overreacting, who knows. But he feels… awful.

He throws the book across the room, until it hits the wall and falls onto the ground. And with that, a dark haze falls on Dan.


	37. Day 15 - At sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw depression/bad head day

The next day is bad. The worst Dan’s had in a while. He just lies in bed, duvet wrapped around him. He’s looking at the white ceiling, waiting for an answer that never comes. He hates feeling like this, but there’s nothing that can get him out of the gutter.

From time to time, he hears Jimmy’s voice just outside of his room saying ‘You okay there, mate? Please talk to us.’ There are knocks and questions, but Dan just can’t move.

The worst part? Phil’s voice. He hears him multiple times, day and night, for long minutes that seem to last hours.

“Dan, I know you’re in there, please, just let me explain.”

“Dan, I just want to make sure you’re okay, please.”

“Dan, I know I’m an asshole, but I want to know you’re okay after the whole Patrick thing.”

“Dan, if you don’t want to talk to me, at least talk to Jimmy.”

“Dan, we’re all worried sick.”

“Dan… Dan, I just want you to know that I care about you so very much. I wish I told you earlier. Please, just please, let me say why I didn’t. I don’t want to tell it to you through a door, please, just open up.”

But Dan doesn’t move. He wants to. He wants to stand up and open the door, but just to slam it into Phil’s face. He deserves it, he reckons. 

Hours pass or maybe minutes or maybe days and he’s back in Southampton. He can’t wait to get back to Southampton. He wants to be in his own room of that shitty, rented apartment, far away from Phil. 

He hates him. It’s so easy to hate him, but it’s also the hardest thing Dan’s ever had to do. He doesn’t want to, but there’s no other option left for him. Dan just keeps thinking about it, chewing his lip because that’s the only thing he can do. He cries. He hugs his pillow that still smells a bit like Phil and it continues to be breaking his heart.

His cruise started out so nicely. It was just him, finally living his dream. Then it got shit for a moment because fucking Patrick was there. Of course, he was there. At that point, he was the biggest villain in Dan’s love story. But then he met Jimmy who made everything better and through Jimmy, he met Phil.

Phil.

Dan’s heart still yearns for him. His fingers still feel the softness of his hair and the slight stubble across his jaw. His lips still taste Phil’s, they’re still kissing the soft skin of his chest. His skin still feels Phil’s touch when he hugged him when he held him.

At this point, Dan doesn’t know how long he’s been vegetating. But he can’t stop thinking about Phil. He doesn’t want to, but he needs to and he hates himself for it.

At some point, he goes to the bathroom. He gets some water and looks in the mirror.

His eyes are dark: both the bags underneath it and his pupils are dilated. He looks exhausted like he hasn’t slept in years. But he doesn’t care about that. What he cares about are the marks Phil left on his neck. Dark purple lovebites, only from the day before. He’s focused on the hickeys for long minutes.

Finally, he manages to move, dragging himself back to bed, even though his human body demands food. It’s not a conscious thing, but he is consciously choosing not to eat. It’s not that he starves himself, but even the thought of food makes him sick.

Just as he gets back into bed, there’s another knock. After a few seconds, Phil’s soft voice says, “Dan, please. I’m… I’m begging you. Let’s talk.”

Dan mumbles ‘fuck you’ to himself, refusing to hear the rest of Phil’s plea.

The rest of the day is the same. Knocks and begging, while Dan’s in bed. He keeps crying even though he's beginning to feel numb. He hates this feeling. He hates feeling useless, broken. He hates that the whole world is muted, the sounds, the colours, the feelings.

He remembers telling Phil that when his heart was broken, when his shipwrecked heart was out on the endless sea, Phil managed to ground him. But now, he feels as if his heart was left in Gibraltar and Phil was the cause of that.

It’s an awful feeling. His therapist would say that he needs to find a reason behind it. She’d tell him to detach himself from the situation and look at it with a clear mind. Dan’s never really got it. He was always a part of it, even when he tried his best. Maybe it’s who he is, with his stupid, hopeless romantic heart and larger than life personality. But he could never separate himself from the issue. His heart was always in it, and this time, it’s no different either.

He hates that he was so very close to falling in love with Phil. Or maybe he already did, because this feels like an absolute catastrophe. For almost two weeks, his heart was set on this track. He was ready to have it all, do it all. Then he not only hit a bump, he ran into an iceberg, destroying everything in his path.

Maybe that’s his proof that he was in love with Phil. Is. Deep down, he knows he fell in love with him, hard and fast. It’s just so easy to love Phil. Phil. He’s charming and dorky and cute and nerdy and a good person. 

Then the dark side of his brain adds another word. Liar.

Dan doesn’t like how true that is. 

The thing is, he wants to forgive him. He wants to give him the opportunity to tell his story because he wants to hear it. Maybe, at some point in the future, he will. But for now, the wound is too fresh.

It’s a confusing time in Dan’s head. Most of it is covered by a grey fuzz that settled over his emotions. There are some bits of his mind that hate Phil for lying, for deceiving him. But other parts still love him dearly because of who he is and how good he makes Dan feel. 

Even as bad as he feels, Dan knows that, at the end of the day, Phil doesn’t owe him anything. He doesn’t owe him an explanation or an apology. It’s not like Dan’s anything in his life. Reasonably speaking, he knows that Phil lying isn’t the end of the world. But it sure feels like it.

After hours of thinking, Dan realises that the part that hurts the most that it all came after all those promises. After all the good sex they had, after all the soft kisses, the cuddles, Phil calling him babe. It hurts to think about that, but Dan does.

He hates it. He absolutely hates it and he’s tired and hungry and lonely. He’s sad. He’s heartbroken. His heart, once again, is shipwrecked, aimlessly floating across the sea. 


	38. Day 16 - At sea

The next day is better. Dan is not completely okay, but at least he’s got the energy to drag himself into the bathroom for a shower. It makes him feel clean and a bit newer as a person, but it doesn’t magically cure his depression or his terrible mood. Or his heartbreak.

But at least it gives him a kick, an energy boost he so desperately needs. Just before he heads out for some breakfast, he notices a note on the floor. He picks it up and without even reading it, he pockets it. He could throw it in the bin, but then, when he’s back in the room, the temptation would be too big. So he’ll throw it away at breakfast.

As it turns out, it’s just past 6 am so Pearl is almost empty. Thankfully, that means no Jimmy or Leo and definitely no Phil. 

Dan throws the note in the bin next to the coffee machine. Maybe he should’ve checked it to see if it’s from the cruise, but he didn’t. He doesn’t care. In 24 hours, he’ll be off this cruise and on his way back to London to stitch the pieces of his heart back together.

He’s desperate to move past this. To move on. He wants to forget Phil, even though, deep down, he knows he’s overreacting. He should just man up and act like an adult. But he can't bring himself to do that. He's a wuss, terrified of more heartbreak. He's had a fair share of them, so he's decided, it's enough.

Over breakfast, Dan tries to think about it logically, wanting to see it as an outsider. His therapist would tell him the same. He is thinking about it so might as well make some sense of it. Fact: Phil lied about his career. Fact: it’s still within the same industry and Dan doesn’t really care what his job is. Fact: Phil saw the book Dan was reading and didn’t say anything, even when Dan was talking about it. Fact: Phil’s got his own reasons for not wanting to talk about it.

Fact: Dan was emotionally manipulated in his last relationship.

Fact: He’s got trouble trusting people at the moment. 

Fact: He had to find it out from said emotionally manipulative ex.

That what hurts the most. If Phil ended up telling him, a week, a month, or hell, even a year after the cruise, Dan would've been fine with it. But he had to find it out from Patrick. It makes Dan feel absolutely awful. He’s tired, so tired. He feels like his arms are made out of jelly and they’re moved by a puppeteer. He feels his heart, his shattered, broken, lost heart, beating hard in his chest, trying to get through another day. He feels like his whole body is trembling.

He feels like he’s about to have a heart attack. None of his heartbreaks felt this bad. Even at the lowest moment, just after breaking up, he knew he would get over it eventually. Not this time.

It’s crazy how fast he fell for Phil. He knows it might not be Love - the capital letter, scream-from-the-rooftop, neon signed sense of it. But it’s not his typical infatuation either. It’s something deep and profound, not something that he stumbled upon, but something that happened for a reason. His heart is breaking, aching, ending for a multiple of reasons.

Phil lying. Seeing Patrick again. Falling for Phil, but losing him. Being that hurt by Patrick. Not being able to love Phil.

Missing Phil.

It’s funny, really, how much Dan is trying to avoid thinking about Phil, let alone seeing him. But he misses him. He misses his dorky, totally inappropriate comments, his hearty laugh, his personality, his kisses.

The next thing Dan knows is that he’s crying over his coffee. He knows he’s overreacting. There’s nothing a conversation can’t fix between them. But after everything, after Patrick and all the others who got away, who cheated on Dan, who let him down, he just can’t bring himself to face him, even though he knows that Phil is nothing like them. 

His tears become full-on sobs. It’s pointless to hide it how much he’s crying, even if an old gentleman reading the paper is looking. Dan’s tired of caring, let people judge.

How can he make this go away? This bitter feeling in his throat, this hand around his gut squeezing him. The voice in his head telling him that he’s just not worthy of anyone’s love, that he just fucks up everything he touches. He knows that is his depression talking, but he’s feeling alone, completely and terrifyingly alone.

After breakfast (which consisted of tears diluted black coffee and half a slice of soggy toast), Dan goes back to his room. Well, almost. He stands outside of his door, watching the empty hallway. It’s weird without the chatter and kids running up and down. He’s just standing there, looking in the direction of Phil’s room.

He doesn’t know why, but his legs take him straight there, to Phil’s door. He’s sure it’s the puppeteer doing this, raising his hand to knock on the door. It’s a bad decision, he knows, so before Phil could open the door, he forces himself to walk away, but it’s too late.

Phil’s opening the door and Dan’s still standing there.

It’s not helping that Phil’s bed hair and pillow marks on his face are the best sights ever. It’s not helping that he’s squinting behind his glasses trying to wake up.

“Wha… Dan?” He blinks.

Dan opens his mouth to say something, anything. But it’s difficult when all you can feel is the pain and love and hurt. So what he says is, “This was a mistake.”

And with that, he runs away, quite literally, away from Phil, down the hall. He hears Phil shouting his name and running after him, but Dan doesn’t care. Doesn’t want to care.

He gets to the staircase and runs down, where to, he’s not sure. He should’ve gone back to his room, but Phil would’ve followed. 

He finds himself on Prom Deck. The Sun must’ve risen not that long ago, because it’s sitting low on the horizon. It has that special light that Dan doesn’t really see and it’s pretty. It would be even more beautiful if he was feeling better.

He feels the pain in his chest still, but it’s getting subdued. What follows isn’t better. It’s numbness. He hates that, when he just does things, when he goes through the motions to sustain his mundane body like a robot.

Seeing Phil was… without the lack of better words, not good. He wasn’t ready. He wants to be, to have that talk, but he just can’t do it.

Slowly, the numbness settles. He sits on the bench, looking at the water of the Atlantic as the ship cuts through the waves, the sea birds calling, the Sun lazily crawling higher up on the horizon. 

For a while, he’s just there, existing. He’s certain that Phil will find him. That moment never comes. Dan’s not sure if he’s happy or sad about that, but when early morning risers begin their stroll on Prom Deck, he decides it’s time to go back to his room.

He half-expects Phil to be camping outside his door, but he’s not. He opens the door, puts his card in the electricity slot and sits on the edge of his bed. Feeling nothing is the worst. He’s got no thoughts running through his head anymore.

For a while, he just sits there, making sure his lungs are expanding and deflating. He doesn’t cry, either. He’s certain that he’s used up all his tears. He watches his hands, imagines the veins in them, carrying blood, making sure he’s alive. It doesn’t feel like it.

Eventually, he lies down. The pillow still smells like Phil so he turns to the other side. For minutes or maybe for hours, he’s just staring at the blank wall, trying to imagine what it was like a week ago. They were in Venice. Dan was happy. He was happy with Phil as they walked through the narrow, windy streets of the city, holding hands. The world was his. As cliche as it is, it was his.

Then in a moment, it slipped from his hand. Fucking Patrick.

Then slowly, it dawns on Dan. Patrick told him. He keeps coming back. It doesn’t mean that Dan is not over him. It means that he needs to let go and he needs Patrick to let go of him otherwise they'll be in this dance for a long while. And there’s only one way to do that.

Almost as a sign, there’s a soft knock on his door. Silently, Dan crosses the floor and puts his hand on the solid wood. There’s no peephole, but Dan knows. He just knows.

“Dan…” Phil gentle voice says, almost getting lost in the noises of the ship. “I know you don’t want to talk to me. I know that and I know why. But please, at least talk to Jimmy.”

“Yeah, I’m here for you mate,” Jimmy says. “I’ve got you cookies.”

Dan sighs and opens the door. Phil and Jimmy seem shocked that Dan actually opened the door. Phil opens his mouth, but Jimmy just puts his hand on his chest to stop him. Dan knows he’s staring, but he can’t stop. He doesn’t want to stop. 

Jimmy walks in, pulling Dan away from the door which he then closes with a soft thud. Dan looks at him; he feels like he’s looking up, despite being taller than Jimmy. And just as he’s looking at him, at his soft hoodie, at his lazy curls, at his kind and understanding eyes, the tears start falling again. 

Within a second, Jimmy is hugging him. His arms are around Dan, wrapping him a bear hug he knows he needs. Dan lets the tears darken his grey hoodie, as he pours all the bad stuff into those crocodile tears.

After God knows how long, his sobs quieten and Jimmy lets him go, but only to put his hands on Dan’s cheeks and looks into his eyes. Dan’s certain he’s got snot all over his face and he’s looking like a depressed cherub with his red face. 

“How are you, Dan?”

“I’m okay,” he says, even though it’s a lie. He’s not completely awful, but he’s not great, either. “How are you?”

Jimmy ignores him. “Have you had anything to eat? To drink?”

“Yes, mum.” Dan pushes him away with an eye roll. “But I need some tucking in, though.”

“Let’s sit.” They do so, sitting in Dan’s bed after taking off their shoes and putting the duvet around them. “Really, how are you doing?”

Dan shrugs. It’s quite hard to conceptualise that. He doesn’t really think there are words to perfectly describe what he is feeling. “Have you got my cookies, then?”

“Don’t change the subject,” Jimmy tells him but hands him the packet. “How’s your head? I know you tend to uh… overthink.”

“It’s alright. Quite a few thoughts went through it, but… Nothing important, really.”

Jimmy doesn’t say anything and they’re quiet after that. Dan is eating his triple choc cookies, getting crumbs all over the white duvet but he doesn’t care. It boosts his mood and that’s all that matters, really. He would give anything to have that hot chocolate from the cafe below his flat, but since that’s impossible, this is the second-best thing.

“I’ve talked to Phil, you know,” Jimmy says softly, carefully. Dan looks at him. “I know this doesn’t excuse for not telling you, but he’s got a good reason. He’d like you to hear it when you’re ready.”

“I know. I want to. But it’s… Patrick ruined my trust in everything.” Dan takes a trembling breath and puts the bag on the bedside table, then scoots lower down in bed. Jimmy seems to be reading his mind because his fingers start brushing Dan’s hair. “I’m such a fool. I let him ruin Phil for me.”

“It’s not your fault, Dan.” Jimmy’s quiet, soft voice is soothing and that’s exactly what Dan needs. “It’s who he is. He injects himself into anything and everything you love and poisons it. The latest thing he happened to poison was your relationship with Phil. But it’s not your fault.”

“Deep down, I know that. But superficially, it’s more than that. Like I keep imagining that he’s still in my heart, waiting to ruin whatever comes next.”

“I know.” Jimmy pauses. “I went to see him yesterday. I thought I would regret it, but I wanted to shout at him. Fuck, it felt so good.” He chuckles.

“Wait, he’s still here?”

“Yeah, unfortunately. By the time security dealt with him, we already left port. So they shoved him into a room and police will take him into custody when we’re in Southampton.”

“What?” Dan blinks. He’s about 10 steps behind.

“As it turns out, this wasn’t his first harassment.”

“Fuck… Are you okay, though?”

“I am. I really him.” Jimmy smiles at him. “I told him he’s the worst fucking person and I deserve so much better and I won’t let him control me any further.”

Dan looks at Jimmy in amazement. It’s insane how close they got, considering Dan is a massive introvert and can’t make friends.

“I am so proud of you, Jimmy.”

“Thanks, bubba.” He strokes his head for a couple of seconds before continuing. “You know, I told him that I’m really happy. My life is better with him out of the picture.”

“Yeah, you and Leo are so great together.”

“So are you and Phil.”

Dan knows that. Of course, he does. Phil changed his whole world while letting him be the same person he’s always been. And that’s the thing, Phil genuinely likes him for who he is. Everything is perfect, the world is a better place when they’re together. Fuck. Dan really misses Phil. 

He knows his head is a mess. One second, he doesn’t even want to think about him, the next he’s already imagining Phil playing with their dog. And this time, the second one wins.

But if he wants to do that, he needs to talk to Phil. But to do  _ that _ , there’s something he needs to do.

So Dan looks up at Jimmy and says, “Take me to Patrick, please.”


	39. Day 16 - At sea

After a short chat (Jimmy wants to make sure Dan hasn’t lost all his sanity), they go down to the reception. Jimmy talks to a lady there, while Dan is awkwardly shifting from one foot to another, playing with the string of his hoodie.

He’s kind of starting to regret this decision, but at the same time, he needs to do this. Not for Patrick’s sake, because he doesn’t deserve it, but for his own. He needs to close the chapter on this. Or maybe he just needs to start a whole new library.

A member of security takes them downstairs, to one of the crew-only decks. It’s not as glamorous as the rest of the ship: the walls are painted beige and every couple of feet is a door, leading to a cabin each.

The security guy unlocks a door marked H54. Immediately, there’s some shouting. Patrick jumps up, immediately going against the guard, but there's no use. 

“This is illegal! You can’t keep me locked up!”

Jimmy sighs. “Sit down, Patrick.”

Patrick’s anger disappears as he notices Dan. “The little lost lamb returns.” He sits down, still looking at Dan with a smirk. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Give me a knock when you’re done,” the security guy says before leaving and locking them in the room.

Dan takes a second to calm his racing mind. He looks around the room. It’s barely a pod, bunk beds on one side, a small window, a sink, a desk and a chair and two chests of drawers. Utterly cosy.

“Jimmy says it’s not a good idea,” Dan says eventually, but he's still looking at the drawers. His voice is small and barely a whisper so he clears his throat. “You know, I thought you were a nice human being. You were so charming and delightful at first. But you’re just a piece of shit.”

“Fuck you, Dan.”

“No, you’ll hear me out this time, yeah?” Dan looks at Patrick, furrowing his brows, determined to say his piece. “For once in your fucking life, just listen.” To his biggest surprise, Patrick does, indeed, stay silent. “You knew I was having a bad time at work, with my depression and just like with my life in general. But then I met you and I thought everything would be magically perfect. Instead, you took everything from me, took my heart, my trust towards people. You don’t know what it’s like to be no one, to have nothing. But that wasn’t enough for you. You don’t know what it’s like to have no goals, no purpose and even then…” Patrick wants to interrupt, but Dan’s getting into it so he continues louder. “Even then, you stomped on me. You treated me like a rug. You treated the dishcloth better than me. But you know what? You didn’t break me.”

“Jesus, do you even hear how pathetic you are?"

“No, fucking listen. You might’ve broken my heart and it’s taken me a while, but now, I'm beginning to realise something. You made me so much fucking stronger. At first, I thought you took everything from me. You yourself believed that. But no.” Dan chuckles. He’s kind of losing the point of his speech, but he doesn’t care. “Sure, you might have broken me and my heart, but the thing I built back up is tougher. And now I found someone who’s really good, who’s a genuinely brilliant person and you can’t touch that. He’s nice and kind and appreciates me like you never did. You don’t have control over me anymore.”

“Are you done with your delusions?”

“Are you done with yours?” Patrick stares at Dan, unable to speak. “Goodbye, Patrick, I hope Satan himself fucks you until all eternity.” He knocks on the door, dragging the stunned Jimmy after him. “Oh, and by the way, Jimmy calls you ‘rick the dick and I think it’s kind of fitting.”

The security guard lets them out and then shuts and locks the door. Dan thinks about its symbolism and just how much lighter he feels.

“You okay?” Jimmy asks when they’re in the lift, heading up towards Deck B. “That was fucking amazing.”

“I’m actually really good.” Dan smiles, for the first time in two days. He is actually feeling better, free from Patrick's grip, free from his negativity. “I’m really glad I did that.”

“He had it coming.”

“Thanks, Jimmy.” Dan hugs him tightly. “I’m really glad we’re friends.”

The doors open with a small ping and they’re standing in the lobby of the deck. Dan looks at Jimmy, hoping he gets the hint.

Thankfully, he does. “I’ll see you at dinner?”

“You will.” Dan smiles at him and watches him get into the lift. “Thanks again for everything.”

“You’ll always have me, Danny boy.”

“Mm, if you call me that, then no thanks.”

Jimmy disappears with a laugh. For a couple of minutes, Dan’s just stood there like an idiot, gathering his thoughts.

He feels… Good. He feels liberated. Finally, he seems to be out of Patrick’s hold, his control, his spell. He knows there are some things to mend, some things to patch. He’ll have to do some talking with his therapist when he gets back to London to finally put things behind him. Things are not over yet, but they will be. For the first time in a while, he can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. A very bright and happy light that’s kind of shaped like Phil.

So, Dan begins his slow walk down the hall, towards Phil’s room. He can’t help but cry. Maybe it’s the remnants of frustration in his body or relief, but he’s crying. It’s also kind of happy, but the tears are definitely rolling down his cheeks.

He knocks on Phil’s door and waits. Fuck, he really missed him. Dan got so used to having Phil with him, in his space, at all times that spending apart two days was hard. Even if Dan’s kind of still pissed at him. But he missed him.

Phil opens the door and once he sees Dan, he sighs. “Dan.”

“I fucking hate you,” Dan says, still crying, his voice breaking. But despite all of that, he throws his arms around Phil’s neck and hugs him.

It feels so good. Sure, Jimmy’s hugs are great, but nothing compares them to Phil’s. He just knows. Phil instinctively knows how to make Dan feel good, how to make everything seem okay. 

“I know,” Phil says eventually, whispering into Dan’s hair. He’s still holding him. “I’m so sorry, Dan.”

Dan pulls away, wiping his face with the sleeve of his hoodie. “I think you owe me an explanation.”

“Yeah, come in.”

They sit on Phil’s bed, both of the cross-legged, opposite of each other. Their knees are touching, barely, but Dan can still feel it.

“I was so angry with you. Not for… Not for you being Crowley,” Dan still gets goosebumps at the thought of that, “but for lying. That I had to find out from Patrick.”

“I know and I wish I could go back in time and tell you the truth. I hate that I hurt you, that is the last thing I ever want to do.” Phil sighs and carefully puts his hand on Dan’s knee. Dan is not pulling away. “I am… I’m so sorry, I wish I didn’t have to repeat that. Like… Considering I’m a writer, I should be more eloquent, huh?”

Dan smiles at him. “I like hearing that, you know. Not the 'I’m sorry' bit, that’s getting really old now, but the writer part. I prefer it when you’re open and such.”

Phil looks into his eyes for a bit, then straightens up and extends his right hand. Dan just stares at him, so Phil grabs his right hand. “Hi, very nice to meet you. My name is Phil Lester, I’m an author, so you might know me as TJ Crowley. I’m 32, I’m gay as fuck and I hate cheese. Oh! There’s also this boy I like very much.”

Dan laughs. “You’re an idiot.”

“Thanks, it’s one of my better qualities.” Phil laughs as well. Then, after a couple of seconds, he says, “The reason I didn’t tell you was not because I don’t trust you. I know I should’ve when I saw the book. I wanted to. But uh…" He sighs. His eyes are closed and he's slightly shaking his head. "I was already writing when I was at uni. One day, I happened to leave my laptop running in the kitchen while I was on the phone with my mum. A guy I was living with also happened to be an old friend of mine and he sent it to all our friends back home.”

“Shit, Phil, that’s awful.”

“I wasn’t out then, so him sending the story to my friends kind of forced me out. It eventually made it back to my parents.”

Dan’s stomach drops. He was too self-absorbed to even think about that. “Jesus, Phil… I’m so sorry.”

“I mean, it all worked out, everyone was so accepting.” He smiles. “It’s just… It wasn’t a great feeling.”

“I bet, shit. Has anyone ever said anything about your writing? I mean in your personal life.”

“No, not really. Mum’s fully supportive, dad’s still at the ‘but how can you make a living out of that?’ phase. But they read all my books which is… equally terrifying and exciting.”

“Is that why you’re hiding it? Because you got outed?”

“Yeah.” Phil picks up a fluff and flicks it to the floor. “I mean, I know it’s not a great reason but a part of me is so scared of letting others see the whole picture. I'm worried that people will see this part of me and somehow end up using it against me. Like... I'm proud of my books, but they're so close to my heart and I want to protect them. I don’t know, it’s confusing.” Phil hides his face in his hands. 

“No, I think it makes sense. You want to protect your personal life. You’re worried that if the author thing doesn’t really work out, it’ll affect your personal life.”

“Kind of, yeah. I’d love to do public readings and book parties, but I’m just… unsure.”

“Yeah.” Without even thinking about it Dan reaches for Phil’s hand. It comes so naturally now. “I’m sorry for not letting you explain yourself before.”

“No, Dan, no.” Phil squeezes his hand. “Don’t apologise. I should’ve said something sooner. I feel awful.”

“Don’t, seriously. I mean the fact I had to find out from Patrick wasn’t a great feeling, but… I get why you were hiding it.” His mood is shit, so might as well talk about it. “For years, I was afraid to refer to myself as gay. People called me that in school, but like in a negative way. That and all of the other synonyms. I went to an all-boys’ school so it wasn’t a good experience.” He sniffles, already feeling the tears. He’s over it, mostly, but it never truly leaves him. “I know why you didn’t want to say anything. I know how traumatising it is.”

Dan really appreciates that Phil didn’t interrupt him. It’s a hard topic to discuss and it never gets any easier.

“Fuck, Dan… I’m so sorry.” It’s a split-second decision, but Dan’s aching for Phil’s touch and holding hands isn’t enough. So he leans forward, putting arms around Phil who holds him as tightly as the awkward position allows him to. “I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“Okay, we really have to stop apologising.” Dan laughs and Phil joins him. “We’re idiots.”

“Total idiots.”

Dan sniffles again and pulls away, but leaves his hands on Phil’s knees. “Promise me something, yeah?”

“Anything.”

“If we decide to carry on with this when we’re back in London, be honest with me. I can take anything but lying.”

“I’ve got nothing else to hide.” Phil smiles at him. “Oh, other than the fact that my life is a disaster.”

“I’ve said hide. I already know that.”

“Hey!”

Dan grins and leans closer to Phil. They meet halfway for a kiss they’ve been waiting for. It’s so easy, Dan thinks as he grazes his teeth against Phil’s lower lip. This is what he’s meant to do. Kiss him, hold him, love him. Love him.

“Do you have anywhere to be?”

Phil shakes his head and then tilts it. “Yeah, I’ve got a meeting in 5 minutes in Manchester.”

“Smartass.”

“What are you thinking?”

Dan moves to kneel on the bed, close to Phil, bringing their lips together in a hungry, never fully sated kiss. God, he’s missed this. He can’t believe he was angry at Phil. It seems such a long time ago. He can’t believe he spent almost two days without his kisses.

He hooks two fingers into the collar of Phil’s t-shirt, pulling him as Dan lies down on his back. Phil crawls on top of him, straddling his hips. With a hand, he brushes Dan’s fringe away and leans down to kiss his forehead.

“I missed you,” Dan admits.

“I did too.” After another kiss, Phil lies next to Dan, but pulls him close, right into his arms. “Let’s have a nap.”

“You’re reading my mind.” Dan presses small, delicate kisses on the inside of Phil’s forearm then looks up at him. “Thank you for being you. Thank you for choosing me.”

“I will always choose you.” Phil kisses the top of his head. “Always.”


	40. Day 16 - At sea

Dan doesn’t really sleep. He’s slept enough for the past two days, but the cosiness and safety make him mellow. He takes deep breaths, this time to make sure that Phil’s scent imprints on his brain.

He stirs, not so long after. He turns around to look at Phil, who’s surprisingly wide awake.

“I thought you were sleeping,” Dan says, barely whispering.

“I thought _you_ were sleeping.”

“Mm, not really tired.” He kisses the base of Phil’s throat, up towards his Adam’s apple, sucking at the soft skin. He feels some scruffiness which he definitely enjoys.

“Fuck, Dan… Don’t tease me like that.”

“We’ve got time before dinner.”

Phil carefully pushes him away, not too far, only to allow him to look into his eyes. “Before you start overthinking it,” he says quickly, “I do want you and that’s not why I’m stopping you.”

“But?”

“But I want to make sure we’re okay. Like I don’t want you to, I don’t know, regret it, because there’s still some hidden anger.”

Dan really appreciates Phil. It was a major overreaction for Dan, even if he had to find it out from Patrick. He's dramatic as hell, but it wasn't the end of the world (but it did feel like it). He puts a hand on Phil’s face, thumb gently stroking his cheek. “We’re good. As I said, if I just listened to your explanation, we would’ve solved it in about 5 minutes. I know I kind of overreacted, but you know me.” Dan presses a peck on Phil’s lips. “We’re good,” he promises.

“You didn't overreact, I didn't tell you, even when I had to opportunity."

"We got there in the end, didn't we? We're good," he tells him again.

"Are you sure? We can take it slow, if you want, like go on dates and whatnot and wait with the whole…”

“Oh my god!” Dan pushes him back until Phil is lying flat on his back and Dan is above him. He’s pressed against him from chest to thighs, feeling _every_ bit and letting Phil feel every bit. Dan reaches between them with a steady hand, until his fingers can touch the harsh metal of his jeans. “We’re good.” Dan pauses. “Unless you don’t want this.”

“I want you every day for the rest of my life.”

“Then we’ve got the same plans, mate.”

Dan feels absolutely carefree as they fool around, almost falling off the bed. He loves that feeling, it makes him feel like a teenager he never got to be. He enjoys the freedom, he enjoys doing what he likes and what he’s good at.

And he’s _really_ good at blowjobs.

The funny thing is, he doesn’t like the taste. He’d like to say it’s different with Phil, but it’s still the same. But the real difference is that it’s Phil. Dan would punch God, fight Zeus and conquer the world for him.

And who is he to deny an orgasm? He hasn’t got many talents, but giving great head is one of them. Judging by the way Phil’s gripping the sheets and the way he’s moaning Dan’s name, it seems to be a great one.

Once Phil comes, Dan wipes his mouth and looks at him with a cheeky grin. He hasn’t moved, his chin is resting on Phil’s exposed tummy, pressing small kissing on the soft skin. He’s so fucking hard himself but he’s willing to wait because, well, he hasn’t had enough of Phil’s dick.

“What?” Phil asks, barely blinking. “Why’s that smile?”

“Nothing, I just like this. You’re so easy to please.”

“Yeah, well,” Phil sighs. “That thing you do with your tongue.

Dan grins proudly. It’s actually really nice to hear that. “What else do you like?”

“You. Anything. Everything.”

Dan laughs. It seems that Phil’s brain is currently on vacation in the Bahamas. “You know, I wish I knew you as a teenager. We wouldn’t have to wait 20 minutes to go again.”

“Hey!” Phil runs his fingers through Dan’s hair, tugging slightly. “I’m not that old. Give me 15.”

Dan smiles, but it’s not a naughty, horny smile. It's a completely amazed and stunned one. He’s looking at Phil, who’s still got teeth marks on his lower lip, who looks completely spent, whose perfect quiff is now messy and flat.

“Is it cheesy to say that I want to do this every morning for the rest of my life?”

“I’d end up having a heart attack at 45 then. I don’t think my body can take that many orgasms.”

“Not that, you doofus. Although, you’d die a happy man.”

“That’s true.” Phil smiles, moving his hand to Dan’s cheek, cupping it gently.

“No, I mean this. Waking up next to you with your hair all over the place and the stubble. I want you with me as long as you’ll have me.”

“That’s all I want, too.” Phil grabs Dan’s wrist, pulling him upwards, right into his arms. He kisses him and Dan makes sure Phil can taste himself. “I know you’re probably eager to get home once we’re back in England, but d’you want to come back to mine?”

It’s not even a question. “On one hand, I’ve got flatmates who never clean and are loud as fuck. On the other is my boyfriend, who’s nice and wonderful and he’s got a magic cock that cures everything. Hmm, I think I’ll choose my flatmates. Besides, we've agreed.” Dan grins.

For a second, Phil’s quiet. He’s looking at Dan, with his mouth open a bit. Then he says, “Did you mean that? That boyfriend bit?”

Dan stares back in shock as redness spreads across his cheeks. He didn’t even realise he said that. “I mean, shit sorry. I didn’t... I should’ve…”

Phil quickly puts his finger on Dan’s lips to shut him up. “Stop freaking out. I like it. I think it’s a perfect way to describe you.”

Dan snorts. “I’ll get a heart attack first, Jesus!” He sighs. “You don’t mind? I mean you knew I was a bloody hopeless romantic, but we’re moving pretty fucking fast.”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life, Dan. You’re like this rock. No, actually.” Phil giggles. “Do you know that weight thing that holds balloons in place? You’re that.”

“Never would’ve guessed that you’re a writer.”

“Hey!” Phil says with a grin. 

He leans close to Dan until he can kiss the base of his neck. Dan automatically tilts his head so more of it is exposed. Phil kisses and bites and licks and Dan almost comes when Phil accidentally brushes his hand against his very painfully hard dick.

“Fuck, I wish we had the lube. Well, that and a Viagra for you.”

“Alright, that’s it.” Phil tries to sound serious, but his laugh kind of ruins it. “No hanky panky for you.”

“Just how old are you?” Dan asks playfully to which Phil replies by biting into his neck. Dan yelps, but it comes out as a moan. “Fuck, Phil!”

“Well, lucky for you, you’re not the only one who got prepared.” Phil reaches into his bedside table, then gives Dan a packet of condoms and a small bottle of lube. “What do you want?” he whispers, grazing his teeth on Dan’s earlobe.

Fuck. Dan doesn’t know what he wants. He can’t stop thinking of having Phil inside him, gripping his hand, grunting when he comes. He’s sure he could come without even having to touch himself. But on the other hand, he’d love to see Phil on top of him, throw his head backwards and chant his name as he shoots his come across Dan’s chest.

“Jesus, Phil, you’ll be the death of me.” Dan crashes his lips against Phil’s for a second before whispering, “I want you to ride me.”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

A good couple of hours later, freshly showered and wearing their best clothes (Dan did have to go and quickly buy a suit jacket), they head upstairs to Citrine for some drinks. As they’re making their way towards the lift, Dan can’t help but notice that Phil’s walking a bit funny. It’s barely noticeable but Dan knows it’s there. He feels happy and slightly proud.

It’s a gorgeous early evening. This is Dan’s favourite kind of summer weather, with the balmy breeze and the bright, but not blinding sunshine. All around them, people are enjoying the last full day and he feels the same excitement. He's missed this. The buzz and excitement around him, the good company, the time of his life.

They make their way across the deck, hand in hand, dodging drunk parents, drunker grandparents and kids with balloon and ribbons. As Dan looks around, he sees Mina behind the bar. She notices him and gives him a wave before turning towards a patron. Dan knows that before he leaves, he wants to say goodbye to her.

To their biggest surprise, Jimmy and Leo are already drinking Mai Tais under a big parasol. Leo notices them first; he pokes Jimmy’s shoulder who turns and waves them over.

“Glad to see you two together.” Jimmy’s already tipsy because he stands and hugs Dan and Phil at the same time. “Worked everything out?”

“Yeah.” Dan squeezes Phil’s hand and gives him a small smile. “We did.”

“Great!” Jimmy sits down. “Now get some booze, this is the last day of heaven.”

Dan doesn’t want to drink because he’s barely had anything to eat these past two days, but he can’t say no to the drink Mina created for him.

“Nice to see you,” Mina greets them with a genuine smile when they make their way to the bar. “Haven’t seen you much lately, been busy?” She wiggles her eyebrows. Dan reckons it’s probably unacceptable, but he doesn’t care.

“Yeah, a lot has happened since I last saw you.”

“Oh?” Dan definitely likes her and not just because she’s forced to be polite towards him. “Tell you what, I’ll make your drinks really slow.”

“Dan’s told me about the drink you made for him,” Phil chimes in. “Come up with one for me as well? Please?”

“Sure thing!” Mina grins at him, then squints her eyes. “I’m getting a sugary, colourful gay vibe, am I close?”

“You just summarised Phil in three words.” Dan laughs, tightening his arm around Phil’s waist. 

He silently asks him if it’s okay that she tells Mina everything. Phil seems to know. Phil always seems to know, it’s as if they have this mental connection. He smiles reassuringly at Dan who begins the second half of his tale. Mina does remember the first update, thank God, because Dan is not in the mood of relieving everything.

And he tells her. All the details (apart from the naughty bits), all the miscommunication, Patrick’s return. There’s only one thing he omits; he reckons, Phil needs to hear that first. Between the apologies, explanations and sex, he forgot about the talk he had with Patrick.

“Wow, that’s dark, Dan,” Mina says. “Shit, mate.”

“Yeah, well, it’s all behind me now. If it comes back to bite me in the ass, I don’t care. I’m over him.”

“Hopefully he won’t.” She hands a rainbow coloured drink to Phil. “Enjoy!”

The colourful drink is in a hurricane glass and as far as Dan can tell, it’s some kind of a slushie. The adult kind, of course.

“What’s in it?” Phil asks cautiously.

“Vodka infused ice with food colouring. Not as sweet as you’d want it to be, but still good, I think.”

“Is it your own invention?” Dan turns to Mina, trying his best to ignore Phil’s moaning. 

“Yeah, I like to experiment with my own drinks,” she admits with a blush as she starts preparing Dan’s cocktail.

“You should do this full time,” Phil says. “This is so good.”

“Thanks.” She looks away in embarrassment and then asks, “So what are your plans for the evening?”

As it turns out, they have none, other than dinner, so Mina, like a good insider, suggests some options. She tells them that there are different events happening, including live music, stand up comedy, a play and some kind of dance.

From the corner of his eye, Dan sees Jimmy waving them over. “We’ll check them out, thanks.” They stand up and almost walk away, before Dan remembers. “Go ahead, I’ll catch up,” he tells Phil.

“Okay.”

Dan looks at Mina. “If I don’t see you before I leave, thanks for… Everything.”

“Ah, I knew you were my favourite customer for a reason.”

“I think I worked hard to earn that title.”

“You did.”

“You were absolutely brilliant, Mina.”

“And you too, sir,” she says with a wink. “Go, before I use my towel to chase you back to your boyfriend.”

“Alright. Well, bye.” Dan turns, then looks back at her. “Hey, I know this is probably against the rules, but I’d like to keep up with you? If you don’t mind.”

“Sure.” Mina gets a piece of napkin and writes her number on it. Very stereotypical and Dan can’t help but laugh at it. “Now, go, be happy!”

“Speaking of, you need to do something about that,” he lowers his voice, “Holly situation. You know, get some.”

“Oh my god, just go already!” But she’s smiling so Dan knows it’s all good.

“Bye!” he says with a laugh.

Holding his drink he goes back to the table, where Phil, Jimmy and Leo are talking about their favourite Marvel heroes. Phil gives him a charming smile as Dan sits next to him. His hands find their way to Dan’s thigh, squeezing it as Jimmy tells a stupid joke. It’ll be a good night, Dan can feel.

Maybe it’s the hunger, maybe it’s the fact that this is their last night on the cruise, but dinner is exceptionally good. Dan and Phil split some salmon and asparagus bruschetta as an appetiser, then as his main, Dan chooses roasted vegetables with sauteed potatoes and chicken and hollandaise sauce. To dot the I, the four of them share a platter of macaroons. To wash everything down, they drink rose.

“So are you all packed now?” Jimmy asks, then he downs the rest of his wine.

“Shit!” Dan says louder than he intends to and the elderly couple next to their table look at him like they’re about to murder him. “Of course not, I don’t know why I’m so surprised.”

Phil giggles. “We’ll pack after dinner.”

“Leo and I are gonna check out the play if you want to join?”

“Actually,” Dan says, “we’re gonna check out a dance thing upstairs. You could come.”

“We all know that’s your code for shagging, Dan, you don’t need to hide it,” Leo tells him. It seems the wine has brought out his confidence.

“I can’t wait to leave you two behind, Jesus!” Dan stands up and looks at Phil. “Shall we?”

“Just so you know,” Phil leans in so only the four of them hear it. He’s got a wicked smile so Dan kind of knows what’s coming. “This night will end up with sex.”

“Oh my god!” Dan rolls his eyes and grabs Phil’s hand. “We will see you tomorrow.”

Giggling, they walk out of the restaurant, to the lifts. Guests around them are already drunk, singing loudly like they just got out of their local pub after a night out, heading to the nearest chippy. Dan smiles and thinks about just how quintessentially British this sight is.

“Are we really gonna be dancing?” Phil asks with worry.

“Yeah! Can’t wait to slow dance with you.”

“But I’ve got two left feet! Besides, we could be slow dancing naked in your bed.”

“Jesus, you’re the worst.” Dan secretly likes that idea, but he won’t give Phil the pleasure. Well, not just yet. “Sun Deck, real slow dancing.”

At some point, while everyone was having dinner, the deck was transformed. There are no sun loungers to be seen; although the bar is open and dimly lit, most of the deck is covered in some kind of canopy. It’s a light enough, see-through material, but it transforms the space into a Disney kingdom. The posts and spandrels are decorated with fairy lights and they’re the only light source over the dancefloor. In fairness, it reminds Dan of the prom in Twilight.

There’s music playing and people are already dancing. It’s slow and beautiful and as Dan and Phil make their way across the deck, Dan feels transported.

“I’ve got you,” he says to Phil as he leads him onto the dancefloor. “Just trust me.”

“Always.”

Phil puts his hand on Dan’s back as Dan wraps his arms around his neck. He feels perfect in the soft lighting and early twilight. It’s magic waiting to happen.

“This is nice.” The music changes to something he doesn’t recognise. It’s still slow, so it allows them to shift from one foot to another as they’re ‘dancing.’ “See, this is not so bad.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Phil smiles at him. “I’ve got a very lovely teacher.”

“You do.” Dan bites into his lip, before closing the distance between them. The kiss matches the tempo of the song. It’s soft and delicate; Dan’s adamant to let Phil know that they’ve got time, that they’ve got all eternity together if he wants. “What are you thinking?”

Phil brushes a stray curl away from Dan’s forehead. “I’m just thinking about how beautiful you are.”

“God, so cheesy,” Dan answers, as pinkness spreads across his cheeks. “But just so you know, so are you. You’re like the most perfect man I’ve ever met.”

“Alright, I think that’s overkill,” Phil laughs. “Have you met Chris Hemsworth?”

“I have, actually! I think he walked past me in London.”

“Oh my gosh!”

“Still not as handsome as you are.”

“You’re an idiot.” Phil kisses his forehead. “But you’re my idiot.”

Dan smiles, delighted to have that title. “Are you happy, Phil?”

“I am very happy,” Phil reassures him with a smile. “I’ve never been happier.”

“Don’t you think it’s strange that we’ve only known each other for two weeks now but like… so much has happened?”

Phil’s quiet for a couple of seconds, not wanting to rush his answer. “No, I think… I think everything’s been quite natural, actually. Like we’ve not rushed anything, I don’t think. Sometimes things are just meant to be, they’re destined to fall into a place where they belong. This is like that.”

“Considering I don’t believe in destiny or any of that crap… yeah, I agree.”

Phil twirls him to which Dan replies with a giggle. He feels like a princess and he just met Prince Charming. Except, Phil is all the Disney princes, all in one.

“Are you happy?”

“Yeah, I am.” Dan kisses him again. “I’m really glad we met.”

“Me too.”

For a bit, they dance without talking. At some point, Dan’s head ends up on Phil’s shoulder as they sway. It’s a really nice evening. Dan could cry. He’s truly happy. Maybe for the first time in his life, he’s happy, and safe and Phil…

Fuck. There’s something he wants to tell Phil.

“Phil?” He looks at him.

“Hmm?”

“I didn’t mean it, you know?”

“Didn’t mean what?” Phil sounds a bit terrified.

“I don’t actually hate you.”

“Oh,” he smiles. “That’s a relief.” Dan’s head goes back to Phil’s shoulder. He chickened out a bit. He still desperately wants to tell him, but he doesn’t want to scare him away. Dan knows that at this point, it’s a real possibility. “Dan, look at me,” Phil says quietly.

“What is it?”

Phil’s quiet, then… “I think I love you, Dan.”

“Wh…”

“I mean, I know, I do know I love you and I know we just talked about this, but we only met two weeks ago, Dan, and I don’t want to come off as creepy and…”

Dan kisses him to shut him up. His brain straight-up short-circuited, so the only thing he can do is to keep kissing Phil.

Fuck.

Phil loves him.

There’s this wonderful, gorgeous, amazing, kind, nice, dorky, funny, hot, lovely, caring, considerate, inappropriate, pretty, perfect man and he loves Dan.

“Fuck, Phil.”

“I mean you don’t have to say it back, I’ll understand if you don’t but I just didn’t want to hold it back any longer,” he blurts.

“Do I need to kiss you again to shut you up?”

“Sorry.”

Dan smiles at him. He raises his hands and pushes his fingers into Phil’s hair. It’s soft and perfect, just like their evening.

“I love you, too,” he says, without any kind of big fanfare. It’s not complicated, it’s easily the simplest, self-explanatory thing. “I love you.”

“You do?” Phil’s almost tearing up and Dan is not far behind.

“Yeah.” Dan bites into his lip. “I really do.” He kisses Phil for a couple of seconds, but seems to last for all eternity. Then he pulls away and says, “Let’s go downstairs, I’ll show you that I do.”

As they head downstairs, to Dan’s room, Dan’s giggling like a teenager. He wants to shout it from the bridge: Phil loves him. He feels… There are no words known to man to describe how happy he feels.

Once they get into a lift and Dan presses the button down to his floor, Phil pushes him against the doors, kissing him. His whole body is pressed against Dan’s, from chest to groin.

“It’s all you,” Phil breathes against his lips. “Since I met you, it’s you.”

“Fuck, Phil.” Dan grips Phil’s jacket, wanting to pull him closer. Then the doors open with a ding and they’re on Deck B. “Come on!” He intertwines their fingers together as he pulls him towards the cabin.

Two weeks ago, Dan was longing for someone he could worship, he could love, he could make happy without feeling that he was being too forward or too much. Two weeks ago, he wanted it all, happiness, love, all of it.

Now he has it.

So yeah, Dan spends his evening showing Phil that he really, truly loves him. And the thing is, Phil really, truly loves him back. Two weeks be damned.


	41. Day 17 - Southampton/London

Being busy the previous day means that Dan and Phil left the packing to the very last minute. Thankfully, Phil remembered to set an alarm (half 7, to Dan’s biggest dismay), so when it goes off, they both curse it to hell. The ship is standing still, there’s no engine noise. They’re back in England.

“I just want to go back to Greece!” Dan grunts. “Is that too much to ask?”

He rolls to his other side so now he’s facing Phil. He’s so tired; they only had about 5 hours of sleep because, well… They had better things to do.

“You can’t fall asleep, Dan.”

“Just five more minutes.” Technically, they have time, since debarkation for them starts at 10, but they’ve got packing to do.

“Come on, up we get.”

Dan opens his eyes a bit. Phil’s gorgeous face is right in front of his. Then he remembers. Phil loves him.

He puts his hand on Phil’s hip, gently caressing his soft skin. Phil is smiling a bit, enjoying Dan’s touch. Then, Dan being Dan, he moves his hand, to Phil’s naked thigh, then down to his soft dick.

Phil takes a sharp breath and opens his eyes. He leans in to kiss Dan, hurriedly, hungrily, with pure want. 

“I love you, Phil,” Dan says because he can. “We’ve got a couple of minutes, I think.”

“We do,” Phil moans.

An hour later, everything is packed. It’s sad to see his cabin so empty. There’s no hoodie on the sofa, no book on the bedside table. (Which reminds Dan that he still has to finish that.) He actually got used to everything. He’ll miss the trip, he’ll miss this room, he’ll miss the ship, but fuck, he’s so excited for everything that’s ahead of them.

He wheels his suitcase outside of his room, then takes one last look. The bed. The magical bed where so many good things have happened. His skin is tingling when he thinks about all the kisses and all the orgasms he had in that bed. Then, he decides, that’s why it’s not sad. They led to a happier future, one Dan is really glad for. He closes the door with a soft thud. The future is pretty clear.

He walks down the hall, to Phil’s cabin. He knocks and five seconds later, Phil opens it.

“Hey, babe.” Phil kisses him.

“You know you’ve got a sock on your shoulder, right?”

Phil grabs the item. “I’ve been looking for that for five minutes! Thanks.”

Dan laughs and follows Phil into his room. The curtains are drawn shut so while Phil’s frantically looking for something, Dan opens it and walks out to the balcony.

It’s disheartening to see the port and Southampton. It’s overcast; of course, it is, they’re back in England after all. There’s another cruise ship there, which looks like it’s about to leave. Dan wishes he could hide on it and go for another journey of a lifetime.

After a while, Phil steps behind him and puts his arms around Dan’s body. Dan melts into the touch and with a smile, he says, “Hey.”

“Hey yourself.” Phil kisses behind his ear. “I got a text from Jimmy, they’re waiting for us in Pearl.”

“Alright, just give me a minute.” Phil’s about to leave, but Dan puts his hand on his. “Where you think you’re going?”

“Oh, I thought you wanted to be alone.”

Dan doesn’t say, just pushes his back against Phil’s chest. “I didn’t take enough pictures, I don’t think.”

“Well, that gives you a reason to come back.”

“As if I’ll ever have enough money.”

“You never know.”

Dan turns around, putting his arms around Phil’s neck. For a second, he just watches the man he fell in love with. He can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.

“You know, I actually found a lovely cruise companion, but he’s got travel sickness and I’m not going without him.”

“The bastard.”

Dan laughs then lets go of Phil, but only to take his hand. “Are you finished with your packing?”

“Almost, I just need some help closing it.” ‘It’ is Phil’s suitcase with clothes haphazardly thrown into it. Dan gives him a look. “What? That’s future Phil’s problem.”

“Jesus, you’re so chaotic.”

“But you love me.”

Dan loves how easily it rolls off Phil’s tongue.

“I do. I really fucking do.”

A bit later, once Phil’s messy suitcase is closed, they’re heading to Pearl, for one last breakfast. Jimmy and Leo are already there, chatting over a mug of coffee each.

“Hey, lovebirds,” Jimmy greets them.

“Hey, Jimbo.” Dan ruffles his hair as he walks past him, towards the coffee machine. “You slept okay?” He asks once his latte is brewing.

“Yeah, we slept alright,” Leo grins.

“I guess you also enjoyed the uh…” Phil says and Dan turns to look at him. He can’t wait to hear where this is going. “The uh… privacy of your cabin one more time?”

Jimmy smirks. “And the shower, as well.”

Leo groans and hides his face in his hands and Dan feels obliged to high five Jimmy. God, he’ll miss this awful yet amazing group of people. 

“How was your night?” Leo says quickly to divert the attention from them.

“Look at them,” Jimmy points at Dan and Phil who still seem to be joined at the hip. “They literally look like they came five times in two minutes.”

“Excuse me!” A middle-aged lady, sitting behind Jimmy, says with an outraged look on her face. “This is a public restaurant!”

Jimmy mumbles a ‘sorry’ but grins at his friends. Dan rolls his eyes as he pours some more milk into his latte. He can’t wait to make this his new normal.

Dan leans in so the mean old lady can’t hear him. “Actually, it was six.”

Once breakfast is eaten, it’s, unfortunately, time for their debarkation. Just before they leave, they ask an attendant to take a picture of the four of them in the lobby. Phil on one end, his arm around Dan’s waist. Dan nestled between him and Jimmy, striking a pose and putting his arm casually on Jimmy’s shoulder, just kind of leaning on him. Jimmy is placing a kiss on Leo’s cheek who’s doing a very awkward peace sign. God, what an awkward bunch, Dan thinks. He loves them, really.

Leaving behind the ship’s fabulousness and opulence is rather hard, Dan has to admit. He got so used to not cooking, not cleaning, not working, just having fun. Before coming on this cruise, he looked up other ones. He saw literal world trips that take 3 months. He could get used to that.

Half an hour later, they are standing on British soil. The terminal is just as grey as their moods. They already have their suitcases and are ready to go, but it’s hard to walk away. They’re not only leaving the holiday and good times behind, but each other in a way and a part of themselves who were on this cruise.

Sure, they’ll still be Dan and Phil and Jimmy and Leo, but it just won’t be the same. For over two weeks, the three men were Dan’s life. They saw each other every day, through thick and thin. Now, they’re back in the real world, their jobs are waiting for them and they won’t have as much free time.

“I guess this is it, then.” Jimmy smiles at them sadly. “How are you getting back to London?”

“Uh… Poppy’s got a car picking me up,” Phil admits with a blush.

“Train for me,” Dan says.

He’s not looking forward to dragging his suitcase up to a train. Plus, it means less time with Phil. They still haven’t discussed the ‘after’ bit. Dan doesn’t know where they’ll go from here or how they’ll get there.

“You know there are other seats in the car,” Phil smiles at him.

“Can you take us then?” Jimmy asks.

“Sorry, it’s a three-seater car.” 

Phil’s deadpan humour makes Dan laugh. God, his humour is so shit, but so good.

“You can come with us,” Leo offers. “If you can put up with my dad’s jokes. And farts.”

“I can, because I put up with you, too.” Jimmy kisses his forehead. “Besides, I think yours are worse."

“Gross!” Dan says, pretending to be disgusted but he loves it.

He’s so glad he met Jimmy when he did. Sure it might not have been under the best circumstances, but they became friends so quickly and it’s something that holds. And out of all the people on the planet, Dan is really glad that Jimmy and Leo found each other. Leo seems to make Jimmy happy and that’s all that matters to Dan.

“Text me?” Jimmy says as he pulls in Dan for a tight hug.

“You’ll end up blocking me because I’ll be messaging you all the time.” Dan squeezes him. He looks to the side and sees Phil and Leo hug each other, too. “I’ll miss you, Jimmy.”

“We have to make a tradition, yeah? Sunday brunches, just the four of us.”

“Sounds good.” Dan lets go and sniffles to hide his tears. But there’s no point when he sees Jimmy’s red-rimmed eyes. “Take care, Leo.” He hugs him as well, but it’s more awkward.

Next to him, Phil and Jimmy are sharing a hug. Jimmy is telling Phil something very quietly and Phil smiles. He’ll miss them, God knows he will.

A couple of seconds later, Jimmy and Leo gather their stuff and walk out of the terminal where Leo’s family is already waiting for him. Dan watches them as long as he can, feeling nothing but sadness and gratitude. 

“Ready to go?” Phil asks quietly, as he opens the handle of his suitcase.

“Mr Howell!” A voice says and Dan sees Miss Lopes, the picture lady, looking as sharp and smart as ever, walking towards him. “A word, if I may.”

“Sure, of course.”

Dan leaves his suitcase with Phil as he follows the woman to a small office to the side. She closes the door behind him and gestures to the armchairs. Dan takes one, she takes the other.

“Have you got the remaining pictures?” Dan made sure to get a couple of extra from the last day. So he plugs it in and uploads the photos to her laptop. “That is excellent, thank you very much.”

“Thank you for this opportunity.”

“Have you enjoyed the cruise?”

“Oh, yes, definitely. If I could, I’d be on the next one, but sadly the real world awaits.”

She laughs. “Yes, well, there’s one more thing I’d like to ask if that’s not too big of a deal.” Dan nods. “If you made a video about your experiences, inserting photos and videos you took during your cruise, we would be more than grateful. No pressure and no rush, of course, I know settling back is a bit tricky, but once you're done,” she gets a business card from the table and hands it to Dan, “upload it to YouTube and send me the link.”

“Oh, I uh… Don’t know anything about it, but I’ll give it a go!” He actually doesn’t mind, but he hasn’t the foggiest where to start. “I’ll figure it out, I’m actually quite excited.

“That’s excellent! Thank you so much, Mr Howell and I hope you had the best of times!”

Oh, if only she knew.

Dan heads back to Phil who’s already on his phone. As Dan crosses the waiting area, he turns his data back on and notifications flood his phone. Top of the list? A tweet from none other than TJ Crowley himself:  _ ‘Back in the motherland! Spent too much time in the Sun, but I had so much fun! Pictures to follow, but first I need my own bed!” _

Dan grins. How much has changed, really? He walks to Phil and says, “You misspelt ‘motherland’.

“What?!” Phil goes to double-check, but Dan’s laugh makes him realise that he just got pranked. “Ha ha, Mr Funny.”

They walk outside the terminal. Dan looks around and feels how much has changed since leaving. He was a completely different person.

“I don’t mind getting the train.”

“Shush!” Phil tells him as a car pulls up in front of them. “Alright, Greg?” he says to the driver who’s opening the boot of the car.

“Poppy will be delighted,” he tells Phil as he takes their suitcase. “She can’t wait to have her star author back.”

“Poppy will be pissed when she finds out that I don’t have anything for her.”

Greg grunts as he shoves Dan’s suitcase on top of Phil’s. “Looks like I’m taking to your funeral then, son.” He turns towards Dan. “No one said nothing about a stowaway, but the more the merrier.”

“Yes, sorry,” Phil gives him an apologetic smile. “This is my… Dan.” He pauses, looking at Dan, then continuing with more confidence and pride. “Boyfriend. He is, yeah.”

“Nice one, Phil,” Dan laughs, “you seemingly lost your language skills during the cruise.”

“Shut up,” he retorts and gets into the back of the car.

Dan rolls his eyes and sits next to Phil. “You dinkus,” he says and presses a kiss on his cheek. Once the driver is sat behind the wheel, he says to him, “Uh, I’m not sure where you’re dropping Phil off, but you can just…”

Phil interrupts him. “You’re still coming back to mine, aren’t you?”

“Am I?”

“Well, duh! We agreed yesterday.”

Dan looks at him; he isn’t sure if it’s a plot for some more sex or because Real Life is about to begin, but either way, he doesn’t mind. “Alright, then.” He scoots closer to Phil and whispers in his ear, “I guess all the sex made me forget.”

Phil laughs. “We’re ready when you are, Greg.”

The two-hour trip back to London takes them three because of traffic and roadworks. They use that time to update their friends and family. Dan calls Louise and chats to her for about 10 minutes. He has a lot to say and tries to recap it in a way that doesn’t hurt Phil’s feelings. Louise then hands the phone to Darcy and she talks about the book she’s reading with her mummy and asks Dan to take her to the playground when he visits them. Dan tells her that he got some really nice presents to which Darcy reacts with a squeal.

He then calls her mum who happens to be at his grandmother’s so he has a chat with them as well. He promises to visit at some point (which, knowing him, won’t be for weeks).

After that, he catches up on social media. On Facebook he sees posts from friends he hasn’t seen or talked to for years, announcing their engagement, the birth of their first child and other life events that make Dan feel a bit blue, but then Phil puts his hand on his knee and everything is good again.

He opens Twitter and sees that Crowley aka Phil has been answering some tweets. He hovers over the reply button below his last tweet before typing:  _ so how much fun did you exactly have?👀 _

He waits for a minute, but there’s no reply from him. So he writes a new tweet:  _ oi @tj_crowley pay attention to me instead of your phone :( _

After a couple of seconds, Phil snorts. “Want something, maybe?”

“You.”

“Cheesy.”

“Is it okay, though? Me tweeting you like that.” Dan’s phone buzzes and he sees he got a new follower on Twitter: one TJ Crowley.

“Yeah, of course.” Phil reaches for his hand, squeezing it.

“What’s next? I mean I know you’re trying to work on your next thing, but I know you said you want to do public readings and such.”

Phil thinks for a second, hand still on Dan’s. “I’ll have to talk to Poppy about it, but I still want to. It will have to be a whole thing about revealing the person behind the pseudonym, so that’ll be… That’ll be nerve-wracking.”

This time, it’s Dan who’s squeezing Phil’s hand. “And I’ll be around to help you. If you want me.”

“Of course I do. I know people say that everyday life can be boring, but not with you.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “You need to get back to writing so you can channel your cheesiness somewhere.”

“Yeah, I’m actually… quite inspired. The only thing stopping me from opening my laptop is the motion sickness.”

“No holidays for a while, then?”

“Not boats or cars, no. Otherwise, yeah, let's go to Florida for two weeks.”

“Rich boy.”

“I’ll pay for you.”

“Alright,  _ thanks _ , sugar daddy.”

Phil laughs and leans over to kiss Dan’s temple. “So what about you? What are you gonna do with your job?”

“Nuh-uh, I’m still off on holiday for two days, I refuse to think about it until I have to get up at 7 am on Monday.”

“What time do you finish?”

“5:30. Why?”

“Cause I’ll meet you there and we’ll go out for food and then we’ll talk about it.”

Dan wishes it was that easy. He’d like to quit his shit job and shit life. He’d like to spend the remainder of his years in life on cruise ships or on holidays. But he can’t. He’s not a millionaire, he’s got to bills and rent to pay. Fuck adulthood.

“Fine. If I become homeless, then it’s your fault.”

Phil opens his mouth to say something but then closes it. He smiles and instead decides to say, “You’re an idiot.”

“That I am.” Dan stares out the window for a few minutes. There are thoughts in his head, quite a lot of them, but no specific ones. He’s thinking about the trip they had, the posts he saw on Facebook, the talk he had with Louise and food. Speaking of. “You said you’ll eat your entire body weight in Domino’s pizza when you get home. Wanna go halfsies?”

“I thought that was self-explanatory. But only if I can feed you.”

“Jesus, any kinks you want to tell me about, mate?”

“Yeah, my kink is loving you.”

Dan laughs. How could he not? He fucking adores Phil. He can’t wait for Real Life to start, after all.

After hours, they finally make it back to London. Phil’s building is in a posher part of Islington than his. No black bin bags in front of his door, no empty beer bottles. His flat is on the third floor of a five-story building and the lucky bastard has a lift.

Phil gets his mail from the post box before going towards the lift. It’s a tight fit, with the two suitcases and bags they’re carrying, but it’s better than walking up.

On his floor are two more flats; his is 3A, on the right side of the building. Phil unlocks the door, puts his door on the handle and stops.

“If it gets too much, just let me know, yeah?”

“What does? Wait, have you got a sex dungeon?”

“I live on the third floor, can’t really have a dungeon, can I?” Phil shakes his head. “No, nothing like that. It’s just… Everything we’re doing is a massive jump. It feels like we’ve known each other for each, but in reality, it’s only been 2 weeks.”

“Now who’s overthinking shit? This isn’t a corridor conversation, so why don’t we just go inside?” Phil still doesn’t move, so Dan sighs and continues. “It’s not a massive jump. It was meant to happen.  _ We  _ were meant to happen.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Now go inside because I want to get you naked.”

Dan doesn’t have to say twice. Phil opens the door and pushes the suitcases in before kissing Dan. He leads him to his bedroom so Dan doesn’t really have time to take in his flat.

A while later, once Dan’s knees stopped trembling after the orgasms Phil gave him, he wanders around the flat. Phil’s still in bed, ordering pizza.

His flat is not as big as Dan thought it would be. The bookshelves in Phil’s living room aren’t filled to the brim with the novel. Instead, he’s got mementoes and pictures, silly, yet sentimental knick-knacks lying around. He’s also got some awards, shiny metals, engraved with ‘Best Novel’, ‘Best Romance Novel’, ‘Best Author’. Dan’s heart swells. Phil did that. His fucking boyfriend did that. Even though Dan didn’t know him personally when he got those accolades, he still feels nothing but pride. 

“This is the best sight.”

Dan turns around to see Phil leaning against the doorframe, looking absolutely gorgeous. He’s only wearing black boxers and nothing else. He’s got hickeys on his neck and chest and fuck, it makes Dan so happy.

“What is?”

“You standing there,” Phil takes a couple of steps towards him, “wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt and just looking at the stuff I’ve got.”

“Oh.”

“I’ve never had that, you know? In the past couple of years, I never did the dating thing. I was too busy with writing and such. You’re the first person to know.”

“Oh, Phil.” Dan walks to him, putting his arms around his neck. “I’m so proud of you.”

“And honestly, it means a lot. You know I’m really glad about everything, but especially about the fact that you know all of it.”

“I think the cruise did some good for us.”

“It did. I mean, not for my stomach, but that’s a different thing.” Phil kisses his forehead. “Want to see something?”

“Sure.” Dan sits down as Phil goes to his bookcase to get a notebook which then he hands to Dan. It’s a plain blue, A4 notebook, but it looks battered. Its cover is hanging off, the pages are damaged and dog eared. “What is this?”

“Open it.”

And Dan does. He reads the scribbles and names and realises. It’s Phil’s notes for  _ Man in the Sea. _ Dan spends the next few minutes reading the notes and getting intricate details and backstories for his favourite novel.

“Fuck, Phil, this is… Perfect.”

“I figured you’d love it and... I want you to have it. I remember when you were reading me. I wanted to say something then but I think I was too out of it. So this is me compensating.”

“You know, and I know I keep saying it, but thank fucking God for that cruise.” Dan kisses him, then pulls away as the lightbulb lights up above his head. “Does that mean I can be your first reader from now on?”

Phil smiles at him. It’s the cheeky, confident smirk Dan’s fallen and keeps falling in love with. “Actually, I have an idea for my next novel.”


	42. Epilogue

*** ONE YEAR LATER ***

Dan sits in the cafe below his old apartment, slowly drinking a mug of scalding hot latte. He looks out the window and smiles. One year. One bloody year. How much has changed.

Louise is running late, but Dan doesn’t mind. At least he’s got time to reminisce. It all started in this little cafe. The once familiar establishment with its navy coloured walls and deep brown, age-old tables and chairs turned itself around, into a posh place with crushed velvet armchairs and lamps more expensive than Dan’s rent used to be. But this place led to the life he has now. He doesn't know why he keeps coming back. There are better places, friendlier prices, but this place, it's special.

About 18 months ago, he was crying his eyes out. Back then, he thought that the love of his life dumped him. Dan felt like his world was collapsing. He was wrong. Oh, how wrong. That breakup and the chat he had with Louise led to him finding the competition then subsequently winning it. A truly life-changing event.

First, he saw his ex again and his new boyfriend. That was the second time Dan thought his world was about to end. But it didn’t. Through his friendship with the new (then very quickly ex) boyfriend, Jimmy, he realised that the ex was a massive dickhead, a manipulative, abusive asshole.

His friendship with Jimmy was something he needed right there and then. They formed a lifelong thing that only got stronger after the cruise ended. They have sleepovers where they talk about boys, where they gossip, where they have a heart to heart. Dan truly loves Jimmy; he’s one of the best things that happened on that cruise. 

But not _the_ best, most important thing. Through Jimmy, he met Phil.

He could sing melodies, write hymns, dedicate a whole frickin’ religion to him. But at the end of the day, it all comes down to one single thing: his love for Phil.

He hasn’t loved anyone that truly, that fiercely, that freely. As someone who doesn’t believe in soulmates, destiny and fate, Dan’s still fairly certain Phil ticks all those boxes.

Once the cruise ended, once they were back on solid ground, they were still testing the waters. But they quickly fell into a good and safe place. Dan spent most of his time at Phil’s. Eventually, when Dan walked in on his two flatmates having sex at 1 pm on the dining table, he packed a suitcase and went over and simply announced: “I’m moving in.”

Phil was more than delighted. They were happy. They are happy.

A couple of weeks after the cruise ended, Dan did as he was asked by the cruise company: he recorded a video detailing his experiences. And oddly enough, he had a lot of fun with it even though it was all new and unknown to him and had to ask for Jimmy’s help. He thought it would be a stand-alone thing, something he only does once. But he uploaded it to YouTube to send the link to the cruise company and it got… popular. Really popular. The numbers doubled then tripled when the company shared Dan’s video on their social media.

People in the comments were asking Dan to upload more. He tried uploading a couple of comedy sketches but they didn’t really get views. So he got to Plan B. When Phil took him to the Isle of Man to introduce Dan to his parents, Dan hit record. He recorded a bit of their hike, a bit at the restaurants they went to, even the 80s pub quiz Kath and Nigel took them to. When they went back to London, Dan uploaded it. Again, it was a hit.

So with a bit of encouragement from Phil, a plan was born. Dan was to quit his job and they go on a one-week holiday to Paris, Brussels and Amsterdam. Dan would record and take the camera everywhere they went, making a travel vlog. It was a nerve-wracking thing, putting everything on this one thing. Dan figured it wasn’t going to work out, but at least they had a getaway. The thing was, however… It worked.

So Dan’s Travel Journal was born. They went all across Europe, to Germany, to Italy, to Hungary. They had Czech beer, Spanish tapas, Swedish meatballs. And soon it became a steady income for him and for once he’s been doing something he loves with all his heart. Next on the list is a tour of the US, sponsored by a small American fast-food chain.

As for Phil… Dan is so very proud of him. After getting home, he jumped straight into his new novel. He enjoyed writing it so much and he was in the mood for it as well that he got it done in only two months. He took Dan along for the journey, as his official number one fan. And Dan loves the story.

After a chat with his agent, Phil made a short video on Instagram, uploading it to TJ Crowley’s page. With his face, voice and real name. No backlash, no negativity happened around it. Fans were happy to see the face behind the author they love and the only question they had was about the new _Man in the Sea_ film. Because Phil just had to go and sell the rights so now his first novel, and Dan’s favourite story, will be made into a film.

They go travelling together (no seas or oceans are involved, other than standing by bodies of water) and while Phil didn't really want to be a part of Dan's videos at first, he loves it now. It's also a good platform to spon his books. Which he does.

They’re together. They’re stronger and happier than ever. A couple of months ago, Phil’s flat with Dan hogging half of his bed turned into _their_ first shared home. They moved out of the one bed flat, into a bigger, two bed one where they used the spare room as an office for their growing adventures.

Life is truly good. Dan is so fucking in love with Phil it’s actually unbelievable. And the thing is, Phil loves him back just as passionately. Good thing they found each other.

The door of the cafe opens, hitting the small bells above. Dan looks up and sees Louise walk in with her bright pink hair. She doesn’t have the girls with her; on one hand, Dan is sad because he wanted to have a bit of Darcy and Pearlie time, but on the other hand, there’s so much to discuss with Louise.

“Ah, Dan, you look so good!” she says instead of ‘hello’ and hugs him. “How do you look so good?”

“It’s love.”

Louise rolls her eyes and sits. A waitress comes over, taking her order for cappuccino and carrot cake. “How are you, hon?”

“I’m great!” He bites into his lips so he doesn’t spill the tea so early on. “Thanks for agreeing to come to Phil’s reading.”

“Are you kidding? I’m so excited.” She fixes a curl. “I can’t believe he hasn’t given me a sneak peek.”

“Oh, I think you’ll love it.” He smiles, drinking a bit of his coffee. It’s still too hot, so it burns his tongue. “How are things with you?”

“Darcy’s off on her holiday, so she has a lot of energy. Do you know how exhausting it is to entertain an 8-year-old? Pearl is… well, a pearl. She’s a good one.”

“I was thinking, we could have a holiday. The gang.” Over the past year, their friendship group has grown massively; it now includes Louise and Liam, Jimmy and Leo, Dan and Phil. “Find a house on Airbnb and just take a couple of days.”

“That’s an excellent idea!” She claps in excitement.

For the next hour, they do some general catching up. Louise talks about her relationship with Liam, then her work, then a book she’s been reading. Dan tells her about Phil and the weird animal noises he’s been perfecting, their upcoming trip to the Scottish Highlands. Finally, about the event later tonight: the publication of Phil’s new book and his first public reading.

“He keeps picking up the phone to ask Poppy to cancel it.” Dan shakes his head. “He’s so fucking nervous. I had to take his phone from him and hide it.”

“How many people will be there?”

“About 50, which is about 49 more he ever had to do a reading for.”

“He’ll be great. When you go home, tell him that I’ll bake those nice cookies for him this week.”

“He’s so easily bribed, you know him.”

“God, I do.”

They laugh, then fall silent for a bit. Dan uses that to debate whether to tell Louise what he really wants to tell her or not. But he also realises that he can’t keep his excitement.

“I think he’s going to propose!” Dan blurts.

Louise blinks then squeals quietly. “Oh, Dan! I’m so happy for you!”

“I mean I don’t know when and I don’t know for certain, but I have this feeling.” 

“This is so amazing!”

They’ve discussed marriage with Phil. Only a little, but the consensus was to get married in the future, but they both want it. It wasn’t an earth-shattering discovery nor was it something Dan was actively thinking about. They both know this is it, the big love Phil talks about in his books, the big love Dan’s been looking for, the one that lasts for all eternity and longer. They will grow old together. So getting married, while it’s on the agenda, it’s not a priority. But god. Getting married to Phil is a dream come true.

For a bit after that, they chat about small, insignificant things. Dan feels so much lighter now that it’s out.

He goes home, feeling happy and giddy. Sure, the proposal is on his mind, but he’s mainly thinking about the party tonight.

So when he gets in, he finds Phil pacing up and down in their bedroom. When he sees Dan he sighs and hugs him tightly.

“Are you okay?” Dan puts his arm around him, squeezing him. “Babe, are you okay?”

“I’m so worried about tonight,” Phil admits, whispering it into the crook of Dan’s neck. “I don’t think people will like it.”

“Look at me.” He does. Their embrace is not broken, but there’s enough distance between them so they can look into each other's eyes. God. Dan is crazy about this guy. “It is a great book. It is a fun-fucking-tastic story. I know that because, after all, I’m your biggest fan.”

Phil laughs, a small part of the tension leaving his body. “You’re an idiot.” He kisses Dan, then says, “Still, I’m worried.”

“I know. And it’s a natural reaction. Do you like it?”

“The story? Yeah, of course.”

“Do you know that I like it?” Phil nods in response. “Does Poppy like it?”

“She loves it.”

“And so do your parents, your brother and Corn. Phil, it’s great, people will love it, it’ll be the next Times bestseller.”

For a few seconds, Phil inhales then exhales, trying to calm himself. When he gets to a place where he deems himself relaxed, he smiles at Dan. “I know, I’m being silly.”

“You are, but that’s okay.” Dan gently cups his face. It still amazes him that he gets to do this every single day. “You are a wonderful storyteller, Phil. You’re so incredibly good with stories and the characters. Not everyone can do that, write so effortlessly. And I’m fairly certain this thing is the best thing ever created.”

Phil just looks at him for a few seconds, quiet but at ease. “I love you, Dan Howell.”

“Lucky for you, Phil Lester, I love you too.” Dan presses a kiss on his lips. “I love every single bit of you.”

“Even the bit that leaves cupboards open?”

“Yes.”

“Even the bit that eats all your cereal?”

Dan doesn’t say anything; he usually tells him that he’ll murder him for stealing all his cereal, but in reality, he loves that part just as much. 

“Tell you what. Instead of reading the whole first chapter, why don’t you just do the first couple of paragraphs? I know you don’t like the whole public speaking thing.”

Phil stays quiet again, before taking his hand and leading him towards their bed. “That’s the best idea, babe.”

Half an hour later, naked and sweaty, with the duvet tangled around their bodies, Dan and Phil bask in the afternoon sunlight coming through the bedroom window. Dan’s exhausted but happy brain muses that this is his aesthetic, not the all-black facade he’s got going on. A clean, almost bare room with white walls, with a plant in the corner, a comfy bed with white sheets and covers, million and one pillows, the love of his life, naked, beautiful, next to him and sunshine.

Dan turns to Phil. He gets to grow old with this person and that’s the best feeling.

He scoots closer until he is curled up next to Phil, face buried in the crook of his neck. Sex smells really good on Phil. It makes Dan a horny teenager again, but he doesn’t mind and Phil definitely doesn’t mind. He loves adoring Dan’s body and he’s definitely not afraid to show that.

“I love you, Philly,” Dan whispers, pressing a tiny kiss on his skin. He was banned from giving Phil hickeys anywhere visible which made him upset for a minute, but then he remembered that there are other spots. “So fucking much.”

Phil giggles. “I love it when you can’t even think.”

“Shut up!” Dan pats around beneath the duvet until his fingers reach Phil’s soft and still sensitive dick. He hisses in response and Dan tells him, “This is what you get for not saying I love you back.”

“God, ever so demanding.” Phil turns his head and Dan moves from his spot as well. They share a kiss and Phil says, “I love you, you absolute idiot.”

For the next few minutes, they’re quiet as they both return from the out of body experience. Dan’s certain that Phil's nerves are also returning. He knows how hard he worked on this story and how much it means to him. Dan wishes he could say for certain that everyone will love it. He’s sure they will, but when Phil’s like this, any kind of reason doesn’t penetrate that anxious fog.

So, to occupy Phil’s mind with something else, Dan decides to change the conversation to something he’s been thinking about for weeks.

“After America, we’ve got nothing going on for a while, right?”

“I mean, I’ve got a novel to finish, but no. Why?”

Dan chews on his lips. It’s not like they haven’t talked about it, but it’s a big decision. It’s the first big step of their shared life, really.

“I was thinking… Now that I’ve got a steady income from the videos, I mean I know it’s not a lot, and most of it goes to the travelling, but it’s a decent one and whatever I have left is pretty much the same as in my last job and…”

“Dan.”

He’s rambling, shit. A bad habit he can’t get rid of. “Sorry.” He takes a deep breath. “So I was thinking we could uh… Buy a house. Together.”

“Oh.” Phil laughs and immediately, Dan’s heart drops. He wasn’t expecting that, Phil almost mocking him for thinking something silly. He looks away, hoping that Phil won’t notice the disappointment on his face. He does. “Don’t go to your dark place, babe.”

“Well… Too late.”

“It’s a good ‘oh’, I promise. I was actually thinking about the same thing.”

“You were?”

“Of course.” Phil kisses the side of his nose, before kissing his lips. “I can’t wait to be done with the tour so we can move.”

“Phil…” Dan whines and clings onto Phil’s arm. How did he get so lucky? “So what are we thinking, three bed, two baths? Garden?”

“We won’t ever be able to afford that in London, though.”

“Yeah, I know,” Dan sighs. “I don’t mind moving to further afield. Kent or Surrey, even.”

“Yeah,” Phil says, but it’s not a convincing, ‘I agree’ yeah. Dan knows him pretty well, so he knows it’s a distant, ‘I just had an idea’ yeah. “What if… This is just a wild thought, but what if we moved to even further?”

“What, like Berkshire?” Phil doesn’t say anything, so Dan will keep guessing until he gets it. “Manchester? Isle of Man?”

“Greece.”

Dan blinks rapidly, trying to gather a single thought.

“Greece,” he repeats eventually.

“Or Italy, I don’t know.” Phil sighs. “It’s just… We loved it so much, didn’t we? It would be so nice to have one of those old vineyards and renovate it. Make an Airbnb from the spare rooms.”

Dan looks at him with furrowed brows. “I think _Under the Tuscan Sun_ got into your head.”

“Yeah, maybe, I don’t know. But I’ve been thinking about my next book and I think the guy will move to somewhere and run an inn or something and I just… I can’t stop thinking about it.”

Dan considers it. He really did love it abroad. He could get used to that. But then again, visiting a country for a few days is not the same as living there full time. Besides, he’s not sure how they could make it work with their travels. It’s a nice idea, but he’s not sure just how plausible it is.

Still, it plants its seeds in Dan’s head. He gives Phil a reassuring smile and says, “We need to get ready, but we’ll talk more about it, yeah?”

“Sure, yeah.”

Phil pulls away, sitting on the edge of the bed. Dan kneels behind him, wrapping his arms around Phil’s chest. He plants soft kisses on his freckled shoulder. “It’s an idea, babe. Not better or worse than any other we’ve had.”

“I know, I just… I already imagined it. A big house in a sleepy Italian village, but not too far a city, a couple of bedrooms, a big kitchen where we would make food and such. A big garden with cypress trees and wildflowers. I know you’d love a swing bench and I would too. Just…” He sighs, putting his hands on Dan’s. “Just imagine it, Dan. You, me, our beautiful Italian house in Tuscany, a couple of well-behaved dogs… maybe, at some point, down the line, a couple of kids as well.”

Dan can and does imagine it. And suddenly, he wants nothing more. A proper life with Phil, not this hectic one in this concrete jungle. But they’re not rich; buying a house in the UK is different than upping their lives and moving to a country where they don't even speak the language.

But fuck, it’s the life he’s always wanted, with the man he’s always wanted. Would it be so bad to go chase that dream? It’s almost out of reach, but not quite. Phil loves writing and he’s pretty well-established, but who knows what the future holds? Sure, with his new book and film deal, he’s set for a while, but moving abroad and especially purchasing and possibly renovating a property is a massive deal. Even if a room or two is rented out on Airbnb, they would need to have a secure and pretty steady income.

It’s not an easy decision to make and they both know that. They would need to have a chat or ten about it.

“It’s a pretty dream, Phil.”

“But?”

“We’ll need to discuss it, okay?”

“No, I know.” He turns his head to the side and looks at Dan from the corners of his eyes. “Just… Think about it.”

“I will,” Dan promises because he wants to think about it. He kisses Phil’s shoulder and says, “Besides, I’d love to see you as Colin Firth from _Love, Actually_.”

Phil laughs. “Of course, you would.”

A couple of hours later, they’re in a taxi, heading to the party. Phil looks fucking hot, Dan has to say. Navy chinos with a pale blue button-up. Just for Dan, he left the top two unbuttoned. Simple, yet so fucking sexy. Dan can’t wait to get them off of him later.

But first, the release party. Phil’s really anxious, judging from the way he keeps squeezing Dan’s hand. His hands are also clammy which Dan doesn’t mind, but he’s been trying to calm him for the past five minutes.

“Your parents are here, too, we haven’t seen them in ages.”

Phil swallows hard. “God, thanks, Dan!”

“I’m just trying to calm you, babe.”

Phil sighs and looks at Dan. He’s wearing his glasses which make him look even hotter. “I know, sorry. I’d never thought I’d be doing this.”

“But you are. This is the best thing ever, Phil. Sharing something you love, a piece of your heart… it’s wonderful.”

“What if they think the book is awful?”

“They won’t.”

“How would you know? You’re very clearly biased.”

Dan rolls his eyes. While he _is_ biased, he has a fucking brain. But he also knows that won’t be enough to convince Phil, not when he’s being so silly. “What was the name of that critic? The Times one. The guy who said that A Kiss Of Perfection was nothing but a bowl of mac and cheese?”

“Jesus, sure, keep on destroying my confidence!”

“Oh, shut up. What did he say about this one?”

Phil’s quiet for a second. Dan knows very well it’s not because he’s trying to recall the review. He memorised it, they both did. 

“He said,” Phil starts quietly, “that it’s the best romance novel of the decade and he’s very hard to please.”

“And?”

“And that ‘It has more heart than anything written by a man, a wonderful story that will take you by the hand and onto a Mediterranean cruise.’ But I don’t know.”

“I’ll hit you, Jesus. What more do you want?” Phil doesn't say anything. He’s chewing on his lip, deep in thought. Dan’s determined to get him out of there. “Tell you what. Take it slow, okay? If you want to read the first paragraph only, you’ll do that.”

“The first paragraph is literally five words. I’d get fired for it.”

“Sure, babe.” Dan kisses his temple. “Let’s have a bet,” he suggests as a last resort. “You read and if people don’t like it, I’ll do the cleaning for a month. And if people, for whatever mysterious reason do like it,” he says with flair, “then you’ll uh… Okay, I haven’t thought this through.”

Phil laughs and leans in so only Dan can hear. “If they do like it, you’ll get a very big surprise.”

The location of the party is simply genius. Poppy came up with it, one night when they were drunk on Tesco’s own brand wine at 3 am in their living room when Phil submitted the final draft.

When they arrive, Poppy hugs Phil tightly and says to him, "Do not fuck this up or I'll murder you." She looks at Dan and says, "Hi, darling."

"Do I need to protect my boyfriend from you?"

She just laughs. "Hopefully tonight will go smoothly. This place looks good."

It really is the most fitting place to have this thing. “Here’s to hoping that Phil won’t get sick,” Dan says to Poppy.

“Fiver that the night will end up with him puking into the Thames.”

“You’re on,” Dan raises his champagne glass.

“You two are having fun? Cause I’m not!” Phil slips his arm around Dan’s waist, kissing his temple. “This is your second bet tonight, Dan, should I be worried about your gambling addiction?”

Dan rolls his eyes and sips his drink. He takes Phil’s hand and leads him around the ship. They did their introductions already, Phil’s met every critic and agent and publisher and even a producer on this ship. They already had a chat with Kath and Nigel, hugged Martyn and Cornelia and said hi to Louise and Liam, Jimmy and Leo teased Phil for looking like Calvin Klein model. This stroll is for taking in the ship.

“It’s very fitting, isn’t it?” Dan says as they walk past a paper mache ship.

“Sure.”

He lets him have that, he doesn’t think there’s anything else left to say. Now he’s getting nervous as well, the reading starts in five minutes. This is it, Dan knows.

“I like the fairy lights.” It’s an enclosed space, windows to both sides, through which the late afternoon London can be seen. The Sun is setting slowly, colouring everything in a pinkish-orange haze. “We should get some fairy lights.”

Poppy walks over to them, clutching her phone and looking worried. “Phil, you’re starting now.”

“What?” Phil lets go of Dan’s hand. “No, I’ve still got like four minutes.”

“Clayton is looking antsy, so your four minutes is up.” Clayton is the producer Phil wants to impress for further film rights. “Just… Thank them for coming before starting, okay? You’ll be fine.”

Poppy hugs him a bit, then goes back to Clayton. Phil looks at Dan, turning white and sweat breaking on his temples.

“Phil, look at me.” Dan puts his hands on his neck. “Your book, it’s great. You’re great. You did something very brilliant and you should be proud of it because I’m very, very, very proud of you, okay? I love you, no matter what happens, never forget that.”

With a shaky breath, Phil nods. He kisses Dan’s forehead and says, “Thank you for being you.”

He walks away, straight up to the impromptu platform, where on a small podium the book is sitting. Dan sees how hard he’s breathing and he can just about see his trembling hands.

Phil clears his throat and smiles. Dan watches as the people gather and sit on the chairs. He takes his seat as well, in the first row, next to Jimmy. Leo gives Phil a thumbs up as Jimmy grips Dan’s hand.

“He’ll be fine, yeah?” Dan asks him, his own nervousness coming forward.

“He’ll be amazing.”

“Thank you, everyone, for coming,” Phil starts. His voice is loud and clear, just as they practised. “Some of you know me as Phil Lester, some of you know me as TJ Crowley. If you know me as both, then I’m so sorry.” The crowd laughs and it seems to give Phil the confidence he so desperately needs. “This novel, _My Shipwrecked Heart,_ is special to me. I want to say something else, but I’m saving that for later, for now, I just want to say that I hope you’ll enjoy this. “

He clears his throat again and after a deep breath, he begins. Dan closes his eyes as he listens to Phil’s soothing voice.

‘ _Mason Sade is an idiot._

_He’s an idiot because even after many futile dates and failed relationships, he still believes in love. He’s an idiot because he thought Hartley might be the one. He’s an idiot because… Well, their current setting._

_Hartley called him earlier, telling Mason that he wants to meet up. They agreed to have dinner. That was the first mistake Mason made._

_The second mistake was getting all dolled up, wearing his best outfit which he even ironed. He never irons. When he got to the restaurant, Hartley was already there, waiting for him. Mason took a seat opposite of him and right now, he’s just waiting for him to talk._

_“How are you?” Mason says, kickstarting their conversation, but his boyfriend of seven months doesn’t say anything. “Are you okay, Hart?”_

_Hartley just stares at him, like he usually does. Mason likes to think he’s just admiring him, but deep down, he knows that’s not the case. Tonight, it’s even worse. The staring is spiced with some nervousness that Mason can’t place._

_He almost speaks again, when Hartley says, “I’m breaking up with you.”_

_“I… What?” Mason starts crying, the shock running through his system fast. “What?!”_

_“Oh, there it is, the crybaby.” Hartley grunts._

_“I thought we were happy!”_

_“Seemed like you were happier with what’s his face.”_

_Mason is utterly lost now. What is Hartley on about, but more importantly, why is he breaking up with him?_

_To make things worse, a nearby table notices Mason’s tears. The lady, while she means well, adds that to the intimate setting of the venue and the candles in front of them. She starts clapping and says, “Oh, you just got engaged! Congratulations!”_

_So yes. Mason Sade is an idiot.’_

Phil pauses and in the silence, Dan opens his eyes. They find each other’s gaze. Dan gives him a reassuring smile and mouths ‘You’ve got this, I’m so proud of you’ to him. Phil replies with a nervous look to the producer and continues.

‘ _Five months on, Mason Sade is still an idiot, but he’s at least drunk. After his break up with Hartley, life just… turned upside down. One thing after the other, one valley after the other, with no hills in sight. First the breakup, then he got fired, then he moved back with his parents. Then, one morning, when he was driving to a job interview, he ran over the neighbour's cat._

_Life was, at that point, truly the worst for him.’_

People laugh, some say ‘oh’ and Dan even hears an ‘I wouldn’t want to be him’ from someone. Thankfully, it gives Phil the much-needed confidence.

' _So what does a responsible adult do when they got dumped, fired and living with their parents? Make an action plan, get a job and try to get back on their feet._

_But not Mason._

_No, he used whatever savings he had left and spent it on a 17-day long Mediterranean cruise. That’s the sane thing to do, right?'_

Phil pauses again, but this time, he looks at Poppy who nods. That was enough and from Poppy’s happy smile, Dan knows that he managed to impress the producer.

“Uh, oh, I know that was a bit short,” Phil chuckles, “but I hope you enjoyed it.” People clap and Dan and Jimmy loudly ‘whoop whoop’ which makes Phil blush. “Truth to be told, this was my first public reading and I’m not sure how these things go, so I’m just going to follow my own head.”

“I know it’s cliche, but I’ve always wanted to be a writer. My mother will attest to that.”

“It’s true!” Kath laughs.

“I remember giving her these stories I made up and scribbled on a piece of paper with crayon but they were just that, scribbles because I couldn’t read or write yet. Throughout school, I’ve been writing and my parents have always been one of my biggest supporters. Even when they have to read some of the… steamier parts. So thank you.” Kath sends him kisses and Phil continues. “To my dear brother, Martyn. You’re the best big brother a person could ever wish for, even though you’re an idiot sometimes. You and Cornelia being here mean so much to me.”

“I met Jimmy at university and I’ll be honest, we weren’t close back then. We met about a year ago, on a cruise Poppy forced me on. Jimmy and Leo, you’ve become my biggest distraction so you get nothing.” Phil laughs and so do Jimmy and Leo. “I’m just kidding, thanks, lads.”

“Poppy, without you, this wouldn’t have been possible. You found me, you allowed me not only to dream this thing but to make it happen. I love you so much.”

“The word finally makes it seem like this is an afterthought, but it’s not. This is for the person who is, quite frankly, my everything.”

Dan can already feel the tears forming in his eyes as Phil looks at him.

“If you told Phil ten years ago who was sat in his bedroom, that ten years later, he would have a fantastic life with a fantastic person by his side, he probably would’ve dived out of the window. I’ve spent the majority of last year with another person, Dan Howell, so I think it’s only fair he comes up here and shares this with me.” Laughing, but with tears still falling down his cheeks, Dan makes his way to Phil, bumping against him. Phil puts his hand on his, squeezing it. Dan isn’t sure if he should be saying something, so for now, he stays quiet. “Dan, in the past year, you’ve supported me through this. You helped me calm down when it was 4 in the morning and I didn’t know how to continue. You celebrated with me when I handed in the final draft. Even with the published novels, even with the career I built, I can say that you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

A loud sob breaks from Dan, totally not gracious, but he doesn’t care. “Oh, Phil.”

“So thank you for being you.” He squeezes Dan’s hand again. “I wonder what would happen if we were ever apart.”

“I think the universe would rip in half, so let’s not try that, Phil.”

“Agreed.” He laughs and for a second, they forget they’re in public. Phil is the first to remember. “Thank you, everyone. We have drinks and sandwiches, go mingle.”

People clap again and stand up, in search of alcohol and food.

“I’m so proud of you, baby.” Dan brushes Phil’s hair a bit, just the way he likes it. “You’re wonderful.”

“I love you, Dan.”

“I love you, too.”

Phil kisses him softly, for a few seconds. They’re in public, after all.

“Urgh, too gross,” Jimmy says, interrupting them. Leo is by his side. “You were great, Phil.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah, it’s funny, it’s original,” Leo says with a smile. “And besides, a clear caricature of Dan’s life, so what more could I want.”

Dan gasps. “Jimmy, you ruined a perfectly innocent person!” He turns to Leo. “I’m so sorry, I know that the real you is beneath this mean and seemingly funny person.”

“You’re an idiot,” Jimmy tells him, then turns to Phil. “I hope I get a signed copy of the novel.”

“You get ten so you can sell it on eBay.” Phil winks at him. “Should we go 50-50?”

“Deal.”

They shake on it, then Jimmy gets distracted by the sandwiches and drags Leo away with him. Dan notices a certain person walking through the doors and he says to Phil, “I’ll catch up with you in a second.”

“Meet me in five minutes?”

“Sure.”

As Dan makes his way across the room, he watches Phil getting engulfed in a family hug, before Poppy takes him away to talk to the producer.

“Well, well, well…” Mina says with a smirk.

“Look what the cat dragged in.”

“Sorry, I was late, someone held me up.” She leans in, whispering to him. “It was a dog.”

Dan laughs and hugs Mina. “I’ve missed your face.”

“I did too. Sorry I missed Phil’s reading, how was it?”

“Oh, it was brilliant, thanks for asking. I’ll get you a copy if you’re in town.”

“Yeah, I’m not leaving for another month, so we need to have that coffee I’ve been promising you.”

She puts her hair behind her ears. She’s got dark red tips at the moment and it suits her.

“How are things with you?” 

“Good, yeah, just got back from Norway. Things are good.”

“And… Holly?” Dan’s careful to ask about that. It’s a sore topic for her. Her love life didn’t end up being romance novel worthy. She and Holly got together for a couple of weeks until she moved to Australia for a few months. “Is it still awkward?”

“Yeah. She was on the cruise with me, it was… bad.”

“Shit, I’m sorry.”

She waves. “It’s fine, it wasn’t meant to be. But I’m not here to talk about my failed love life, I’m here for you and Phil.” She looks up, smiles at someone, then says to Dan, “Speaking of, your boyfriend is beckoning you.”

“Right, yeah, sorry, just give me a minute.”

“Go, I’m only here for the free booze.”

“I thought you were here for me and Phil.”

“Shoo!”

Dan walks to Phil with a laugh. Over the past year, he’s formed a friendship with Mina as well, albeit not as strong as with Jimmy and Leo. They mostly text because Mina is on an adventure somewhere most of the time.

“You okay?” Dan asks Phil, slipping his arm around his waist.

“Yeah.” He smiles. It’s dreamy, almost distant. “Let’s get some air.”

Phil takes his hand, leading him outside through sliding doors, to the front of the ship. There’s an area out there, like they are in Titanic, and for a second Dan wonders if Phil wants to live out his Leonardo DiCaprio dreams.

The outside is decorated with fairy lights as well, a lovely contrast against the dark skyline of London. Lights are on in some windows and cars drive past. It’s a beautiful time of the year.

They walk to the side, watching the dark river for a bit. When Dan is with Phil, he’s not afraid of the darkness, he’s not afraid of the unknown water below them. 

“You were really brilliant in there, Phil,” Dan says quietly, afraid to break the tranquilness of the evening.

“Clayton liked it.” Phil exhales, seemingly for the first time that evening. “He says he’ll show the book to other producers.”

“That’s good.”

They’re quiet again for a bit, then Phil says, “I can’t take this, I can’t wait.”

As suddenly as he said that, he reaches into his pocket and drops to one knee.

“What!” Dan borderline screams.

Phil opens the red velvet box, showing the ring to Dan. For the second time in about fifteen minutes, Dan bursts into tears, but this time, Phil does as well. “The truth is simple. I love you, Dan. I love you more than anything else and loving you is the best thing I’ve done. You are beautiful and perfect and you’re mine and I want to keep you as mine forever. I can’t imagine settling down and growing old with another person and I don’t even want to. It’s you, Dan.”

“Yes!” Dan says when he grows too excited.

“Haven’t even said my question, have I?”

“Sorry,” he says, laughing and wipes his tears away.

“Jesus, you ruined my vibe.” Phil stands laughing.

“I’m so sorry, babe.” Dan pauses, then takes the box from Phil’s hand before dropping to one knee. “You are everything to me, Phil. You’re my best friend, my partner-in-crime, my live-in maid, but above all that, you’re home. You’re the home I’ve been longing for and I’ll love you until the end of times. Will you marry me?”

Phil nods and puts his hands on Dan’s cheeks, pulling him up. Just before they kiss, he whispers against his boyfriend’s - fiancé’s - lips, “Yes.”

Love has never been more beautiful, Dan finds. Love is an overwhelming thing, but it’s also the simplest thing. And being with Phil, while it has its challenges, is easily the best thing.

“Oh, we’re so sappy,” Dan chuckles softly. They break apart, but their noses are still touching.

“It’s still your ring though. I’ve got it so you’re the one wearing it.”

“If I’d known, I would’ve got you something.”

“Don’t be silly.”

Phil takes the box from Dan, then takes the ring from its place and slips it onto his finger. Dan examines it closely. Seemingly, it’s a simple black ring, but from closer inspection, the middle bit is an engraved abstract, dark grey pattern. 

“It’s beautiful, Phil. It’s… Fuck, it’s perfect.” Dan looks up, putting his hands on Phil’s jaws. “How did you find it? You were so busy with your novel and everything…”

“About that.” Phil’s got a small smile playing on his lips. “I bought it in… Venice. When we went shopping and you went to buy some clothes, I saw this in a window and I knew I had to buy it. I knew I’d be using at some point. I knew I’d marry you one day and the question was when.”

Dan kisses him with so much fever that he almost knocks them both into the water. But not even that would ruin their perfect evening.

A year and a half ago, Dan was miserable. In a dead-end job, in an awful flat, fresh out of a horrible relationship. He took a risk and that risk was worth it.

Now, he has a career he loves, good friends, a very amazing home, a future to look forward to. But above everything, he has his future husband right by his side. His life is no longer falling apart. He hasn’t got a shipwrecked heart anymore, but it’s not anchored in a port either. It's out on the ocean, sailing to a bright future - with Phil right there with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for coming on this journey with me. Hope it was a good one. Thank you for reading, for commenting, I've read each and every one of them (multiple times) and there are no words to describe how grateful I am. So, this is for you, reader.
> 
> As always, thank you [Amethyst](http://amethysthollis.tumblr.com) for being my biggest cheerleader.

**Author's Note:**

> You can come and say hi on Tumblr [@outphan](http://outphan.tumblr.com).
> 
> If you liked the fic, you can like/reblog it on [Tumblr](https://outphan.tumblr.com/post/190351587644/my-shipwrecked-heart).
> 
> If you'd like, you can also reblog the mood board for this fic. You can find it [here](https://outphan.tumblr.com/post/613308715926454272/my-shipwrecked-heart-120k-words-mature).


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